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Not handling this two week summer thing very well

Kona_California's picture

So it's pretty normal for kids to spend a period of time, usually two weeks, with each parent during the summer. This was agreed on back when my BF and BM finalized their CO. They planned each of their two weeks back-to-back, knowing we may not travel.

My BF is terrible at keeping track of his calendar so I never know what's coming around the corner every day with him. He went to a hand-off a couple weeks ago, BM said "So this is the last time you'll see him for two weeks. Unless you want to forget it and stick with regular time-sharing. Let me know." Their normal time sharing is 50/50 2-2-3 and I f#@king hate it. When BF came home, he told me this and I said no, I would really rather we stay with the plan. I've been looking forward to having two weeks of adult time and these last-minute scheduleling surprises are exhausting. He wouldn't take no for an answer, and it turned into an arguement. He said HE didn't want to go that long without seeing SS6. That he didn't think it was in SS6's best interest (ummm what??). He was throwing low blows, saying "it's MY son and I'm allowed to have a relationship with him" and other statements implying I'm trying to block him from seeing him or am generally unsupportive. I said HELLO you planned this!! And I've ALWAYS been supportive of him having his son. I've embraced him completely so comments like that feel like a slap in the face.

After arguing about it off and on for two-three days, he decided to cave and do the two weeks but take SS6 on the two days during the week I go in to my office and am not home, only during the work day and not overnight. Fine. This week was supposed to be the second week child-free, with my birthday this weekend. BM sent an email Monday night to BF, two days ago, and says "long story short I think I have shingles. Can you take SS6" and it wasn't even a discussion. BF said he was going to take him and I was so angry. I said how long?? I had to wait another day to find out how long she felt like dumping her kid on us. Until Thursday at 5:00pm. I felt defeated. Like I didn't matter.

I'm so angry. I don't often feel recognized, prioritized or important in this dynamic. So much of what BM wants BM gets. I have to make such a huge stink to have a voice. My friend who has two grown kids of her own commented that BM should not be handing off her kid every time she feels it's inconvenient to her. She said part of being a mother is you have them no matter what. Why should the kid be taught he should only be around people who can be "on" and entertain him 24/7?? And if you're really incompacitated, why go crying to my BF every time? I feel like this very significant two week time was immediately hijacked because BM didn't feel like having her son for two weeks.

It would be nice to have insight on any similar situations or thoughts on all this.

Comments

Chelseybychelsey's picture

Hating on bm when you're doing the same thing you're accusing her of doing?

beebeel's picture

What? Op isn't the child's mother. She is his dad's GIRLFRIEND and therefore couldn't possibly be shirking any responsibility here because she has none.

Chelseybychelsey's picture

Her boyfriend to have his kid on a schedule that suits her needs just as she's claiming bm wants.

shellpell's picture

You mean she wants her SO to stick to the schedule he already agreed to with BM, not to have BM dump the kid whenever she wants. There you go, fixed that for you.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

How did you come to that conclusion?  This is a schedule that BM and her DH made up.  She is just asking them to follow their own schedule.  Its BS to compare the two situations.

Chelseybychelsey's picture

Of them want kid-free time.

 

If the tables were turned and it was the boyfriend who whined if his gf saw her kid on a nonscheduled day y'all be calling him an asshole.

Chelseybychelsey's picture

Of them want kid-free time.

 

If the tables were turned and it was the boyfriend who whined if his gf saw her kid on a nonscheduled day y'all be calling him an asshole.

Gimlet's picture

No, no, they are terrible dads if they turn down extra time and BM is a generous saint for allowing dad to have more time with the child, regardless of circumstances. 

Chelseybychelsey's picture

So op can have kid free time with her boyfriend just as bm wants kid free time.

shellpell's picture

Wrong.

Kona_California's picture

First of all. "Hating on BM" is kiiiiind of a thing peole come to do here in a safe space. Second, yes I'm "hating on her" and no the two are not comparable. My role in the child's life is wildly different than BM's role. There is a pattern on BM's end of making last-minute schedule changes that's convenient to her and a pattern of my BF of going with it without talking to me. Even though there have been plenty of times that I've been sick, BF has been sick, and I'm still doing the dang thing. No one said to me OH let's message BM and have her take SS since you aren't feeling well. HA! And again, THEY planned this. Two weeks out of the year, one parent has the child. I have a say in my relationship, my family, and my house about why I'm not cool with the unilateral decision-making of appeasing BM's selfish wants. Does that make me selfish? Debatable. But if it does, I'm not the freaking BM and have no obligation to the child, so it wouldn't matter. Even though I am here for the maternal role 50% of his life and am arguably more present than his dad is. My SS and I have a tight bond and I don't think this has to do with the child being psychologically damaged. It's about me feeling not at all considered yet again with these matters and I wanna b!tch about it in practically the only space I can!

I appreciate the back-up from you all on this. It's validating for sure. Smile

Gimlet's picture

My ex is a firefighter and if I was sick on my custody time, I just dealt with it because he couldn't leave work even if he wanted to.  It's part of being a parent.  Sometimes you just have to power through.

Kona_California's picture

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I hadn't actually conceptualized this until my friend who is a mother informed me that ummm, that's kind of why mothers get so much praise for having such a hard "job." It makes me emotional thinking about how no one in my family OR friends acknowledges me as a parent. I fully know that I'm not SS6's mother and that he has one, but I am a parent to him and have been for more than half his life. I've been in it, man. And I don't expect a medal or anything like that.... but I get no "happy mother's day" from anyone in my life. Yet BM gets showered with cards gifts and money on that day to recognize her hard work, but then dumps her kid on us the second it's getting tough. It's hard to not feel resentful.

CLove's picture

Our BM, Toxic Troll likes to dictate schedules when its convenient to her. "Oh, can I have munchkin SD14 eary, because I need her to watch my dog for me, Im going on a trip."

Or my personal favorite "oh, I need spending money for my trip to Hawaii, can I have my child support check early this time?"

Sounds like your SO is gaslighting you and trying to make you feel like its YOUR fault and its YOUR problem.

That would make me mad...

Kona_California's picture

Yeah that's his go-to when he feels up against a corner. "You said" statements rather than "I'm sorry this is so sudden, can we work out a compromise" or heck just shush and stick to the schedule.

beebeel's picture

It's pretty rare for a person under 60 to come down with freaking shingles. And since she's "thinks" it's shingles, tell her to pound sand until she's had her rash checked out. She's trying to sabotage your birthday and Mr. Spineless is helping her.

Kona_California's picture

Totally. There's always some medical issue with her AND her kid, which means SO gets dragged to the doctor's any time SS is taken in. Actually, I had shingles a few years ago (early 30s). Apparently it's becoming a little more common for some reason. So I knew that sure it sucked, but you aren't bed-ridden. And you can only pass it if someone hasn't had chicken pox, hasn't been vaccinated, and if the spots are completely open and uncovered AND you touch it.

SubstituteMommy's picture

"it's MY son and I'm allowed to have a relationship with him"

Those kind of comments are hysterical! My SO says things like that, too. If I say something in regards to SD9 like, "You really need to stop going back on punishments and you should also work on not kissing her a** so much." He has responded with, "I'm never going to stop loving my daughter!" WTF?! LOL! So dramatic.

As for the main reason for your post. Schedule changes are beyond frustrating. We have SD9 full-time and her BM only sees her for seven weeks out of the year. When BM decides not to show up, or cut her visits short, it instantly aggravates me. It's one of the worst parts of being a step-mom, for sure.

Kona_California's picture

Oh geez. Our SO's sound pretty freakin similar. I've probably had that exact dialog with him lol

Seven weeks a year.... how would any parent be able to mess with that?? Yeah I agree about the scheduling thing making it one of the hardest parts of being a step-mom. It's one way they have direct control to mess with us. When COVID began I was trying to be sympathetic and let SO know it might be a good idea to be flexible with having SS during the work day since her job isn't as secure as ours. I also agreed she could come up to our house for hand-offs (normally she would have to meet SO in a parking lot because of the hostility) since it was raining so much. First time she pulled up, she was glaring as hard as she could at my SO, slamming the car doors, making comments, all because we didn't walk SS down the stairs.... After that I said no more. SO told BM no more coming to our home and to go back to meeting in the parking lot, but she showed up anyway! With her family!! They would all squeal and make comments while I could be seen in my PJs. That feeling of fight-or-flight is not something I should have to experience in my sanctuary.  Fortunately, we moved not long after that and I thought it was hiliarious when she was told to meet at the parking lot, she rolled up to an empty house LOL! Dumb b*$ch.

SubstituteMommy's picture

Yes, seven weeks a year seems impossible to mess up, but she has! It's usually something along the lines of "I have no money" or "I missed my flight" or "I couldn't find a flight" or "I'm not feeling well." It really sucks that you were trying to be nice and the BM still acted like a miserable a-hole. It's not even worth it to try to be nice!