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Why cant skids be the same as other inlaws?

Jcksjj's picture

You know, how no one is FORCED to love their MIL, for example, but it's also perfectly acceptable if you do and want to call them Mom. And it's just as acceptable if you dont. 

Why can't people see it the same for skids and let the skid and stepparent choose how their relationship is instead of forcing the "love them like your own" on steps?

Comments

tog redux's picture

I think some can - no one has ever suggested I had to love SS like my own.  My sister has a great relationship with her SD, but I never expected her to love her as much as she loves her own daughter.

To me, that expectation is just unrealistic, and the person holding that expectation should be set straight.

ESMOD's picture

I think that happens too.. I know my DH never made it a condition that I "love" his children.  Now, I am fairly certain my MIL would expect that I should treat them "as my own".. but since I don't have bio kids.. that is a little hard to fake what I have never done..lol.

In fact, I think that it works better when the BP isn't forcing a certain dynamic of relationship on them... except for basic standards of behavior/civility that would be expected if you share a home.. even part of the time.

I do also see the reverse thinking from step-parents that want their partner to compartmentalize the fact that they are the parent to only "their time".. and not allow any bleed over to other time  (taking extra time.. letting their child come by even if it's not during set visitation... keeping up with them via calls etc).  I am not necessarily even talking about excessive calls.. but they want the child to only be relevant during custody time.  I don't think parents cease to become parents and cease to have some responsibility towards their child just because the kid is sleeping at their mom's that week.  There still may be contact. etc.

Evil3's picture

It's because society sees SKs as children and God forbid an adult not love sweet innocent children, especially traumatized poopies of divorce. People don't understand just how evil SKs can be whether it's because they're trained by their BMs to destroy the dads' marriages or whether these precious poopsies aren't parented properly and are taught that their evil manipulative ways work for them which reinforces these brats' ways. I really think most people don't understand just how unlikable poorly parented kids can be, so the adults expect that SParents will worship the kiddos just because they're kids. Society doesn't see the level of evil and manipulation SKs can do. Society doesn't see the level of damage SKs can cause.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

"I really think most people don't understand just how unlikeable poorly parented kids can be ..."  "Society doesn't see the level of evil and manipulation SKs can do."  "Society doesn't see the level of damage SKs can cause."

Very true. 

strugglingSM's picture

I'm glad you raised this, because I've always seen the SKid relationship as being the same as an in-law relationship. A lot of people, myself included - don't like their in-laws. I tolerate them and I think they have no idea how I really feel, so I think I've succeeded. So, why should things be any different with Skids. People will often say that Skids didn't have a choice in their parents divorcing, but it's not like I caused the divorce...also, I didn't really have a choice that my DH had children. I could have walked away, but we love one another and have a great relationship (outside of SKid, BM, and MIL / BIL drama), so was that my choice, that I choose to love my DH's kids or choose to break things off because I couldn't love his children? 

 

Simpleton21's picture

I feel like my relationship with my MIL is forced on me too.  I do think that skids should be considered the same.  It has never made sense to me that people act like you just HAVE to LOVE their kids like your own when in most cases (especially here) what they really want and expect is for you to love their kid more than your own and treat your kids like less than because skids can't cope.  Guess what, my ODS is also from a broken home and he acts NOTHING like SD because he isn't treated like he is more special or deserves more than the other kids in the family.  This expectation is unrealistic.  I cannot possibly love any child like I love my own.  I can care for them and treat them kindly but you can't force that type of love.  I myself couldn't even imagine telling another woman that she must love my child like he is her own and put my child before her own as well.  Yet a lot of SMs here have that expectation thrust on them.  Yes, we know that they had a child when we met them but that doesn't justify this expectation.  These parents that chose to divorce also know that their partners will move on after divorce and possibly have more children and that doesn't make the children born after less important than the COD.

UpgradeWife's picture

I tend to avoid people who toe the "poor widdle COD" line. I used to socialize with this sow (sorry, she is a super bully, mean and nasty and also morbidly obese) who ripped my head off for suggesting some other lady's MIL (SM to her husband) might not have baby accoutrement if she never had kids of her own. Like, I tried to ask if MIL had her own kids but I was cut off, interrupted by the sow. She shouted at me, said something that I would not be allowed to say such a thing under HER roof. She humiliated me in front of the group. Her own sister tried to soothe my ruffled feathers but the damage was done. I find it laughable to be shouted at for such a minor (inaginary) transgression. I wish i had said "well, I wouldn't be caught dead under your roof, anyway" but discretion is the better part of valor.

I made a mild "inside joke" to the sow and her sister when the meeting was over, lightly, without a trace of anger or upset. 

Then I sashayed my fabulous azz the F out of there, permablocked the lot and haven't seen or spoken to any of them since. If I see Sow I will ignore her. If she has the audacity to speak with me then the gloves come off. I will rip her to shreds; i know a lot about her and I know why she is a mean, hateful bully. I will leverage my knowledge and use it against her. With a smile on my face. She might shuffle away crying, we'll see. She crossed the wrong B.

I'm slow to boil but I have zero tolerance for bullies. I was bullied and I won't be, again.

InDisbelief's picture

Ugh, tell me about it. I had dated a guy a long time ago who came with a son. He was a good kid. His father did not expect me at all to love his son like my own. Of course I was kind and respectful to him and that was enough. When that relationship ended, I just assumed that all men thought that way, so I carried that onto my last relationship, but I was in for a treat. This guy expected me to assume all motherly duties to his children including loving them unconditionally. Nope, they have a mom. I just couldn't do it. There was nothing wrong with any of the kids from these relationships , but they weren't my kids. Expectations were definitely different with those two men. One was realistic and the other was delusional. 

Imdone21's picture

I dont get it either. I was just recently told by my DH's ex that when my DH and I married, I married their child too and that I needed to treat him like my own. I didn't marry their child. I married my husband!  He didn't marry my children....he married me. I don't get it. 

Simpleton21's picture

Sounds like my DH's delusional ex as well.  If she is anything like the crazy we deal with she also really means "I expect you to treat my child different and better than your own".

Imdone21's picture

Yeeessss! This child is supposed to take precedence over everything and everyone else. He is priority number 1. What he says goes. Whatever he wants he gets. Otherwise it's a problem. 

UpgradeWife's picture

I'm gonna choke.

The crazy b!tch said WHAT?!

Simpleton21's picture

She didn't directly come out and say it like that but all of the things she says basically = I expect my child to be treated better.  Most of the time she says to DH not me b/c I don't talk to her, "SD comes FIRST, she is your priority" and accuses him of being a bad dad.  When I had SD do chores with my kids, something SD PROMISED to do if we got a dog, I was chastised for it.  "Simpleton needs to treat SD the same as her children", well in that case I was, expecting her to do chores like the other children out there doing them also.  She didn't like that.  That is what I mean by being expected to treat SD as the more special child. 

strugglingSM's picture

I love how many "first families" believe that their children need to come first just for the very reason that they existed first. No, children should be at the same priority level in any family....they don't rise to the top simply because their parents are no longer married. If that's the case, we need to put out warnings to people before they have children - "warning - if you ever divorce the other parent of this child, you must make your life revolve around this child and give up any adult emotional fulfilment ever again".

Simpleton21's picture

And if that was the case my ODS would be a priority as well since he also came from a "first family" and is 6 months older than SD, right?!?! Oh wait, I don't think like a lunatic so that isn't how I treat my child!  If the parents were so worried about the child being above all else and not having siblings to contend with they should have stayed married.  They should definitely come with warnings for all the crazy HCGUBMs that think this way.

advice.only2's picture

I always had it thrown back in my face that my DH treated my BS like his own. Well yeah because I allowed him too, I allowed him to parent and be a father to BS because I wasn't a crazy selfish a$$hole who thought I was the end all be all. But I digress, so I had that thrown in my face a lot and never knew how to fully address it. Now it's simple I just point out DH is a Disney Dad, Meth Mouth is a drug addict and Spawn was taught to hate me from day one, but hey if you can see a solution in there that I haven't figured out by all means please show me the light from your high perch and fully intact marriage sans stepkids.

Simpleton21's picture

Oh my DH does this as well and it the similar is pretty much the same.   Except BM isn't meth mouth she is horse face control freak and wants to try to control my home.  I've told him many times to just go back to BM and SD and make sure SD is priority b/c that is all that matters...no one else, lol!  DH parents from a guilty place all the time b/c of BM and SD manipulation.  Every time I think DH is coming around and actually parenting SD and BM will raise hell and manipulate to get him right back into guilty daddy mode.  We are in guilty daddy parenting mode right now and I'm over it.  I'm tired of having the same conversation with him and seeing progress to simply watch him revert for whatever reason.