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Someone told me we should take custody of SD

Jcksjj's picture

Someone told me today we should try to take SD back now and essentially "fix her" while she's still really little (I dont consider a 5th grader really little). So we don't end up having to take her back in when she's older with more issues because "dh couldn't ever refuse to take his own kid."

Ummm...I already spent (wasted) several years of my life attempting to correct her poor behavior and I'm done. It didn't change anything and I still ended up being her scapegoat.

No. No, no, no no no.


Rumplestiltskin's picture

You aren't Supernanny lol. Come to think of it, besides being an expert in child behavior modification, Supernanny had more authority than most stepmoms. Whoever told you that has no idea what they are talking about. 

Jcksjj's picture

She doesn't. She really wants to do foster care but can't until she has a bigger home and I don't think she realizes how difficult it is to help a kid that isn't yours and that you didn't mess up.

While I think wanting to help kids in foster care is fantastic (and also something I have a soft spot for), reality isn't the hallmark movie she seems to think it is.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

That someone needs a vat of coffee and a Matrix red pill. Like Rumple said, you're not Superananny. Although a cape might be fun...

If SD's parents cannot "fix her", they can get her into therapy. Not your circus, not your monkey.


hereiam's picture

Well, people outside of the situation are just full of wonderful, helpful advice, aren't they?

And, you know what? There are definitely circumstances in which DH could refuse to take his own kid. When dealing with lying, manipulative BMs and offspring, sometimes it's necessary for self preservation.

Jcksjj's picture

Yes. I dont see either of us wanting to put the rest of our family at risk. I didnt think we would be dealing with her being this bad until she was a teen so I can't imagine what it will be like then.

tog redux's picture

Why do people think it's so easy to "take custody" of a child? Obviously none of these people have ever been in Family Court. Or do they think we are still living in times where fathers own the children?

Jcksjj's picture

I think she's assuming that because we objectively have a better household that we could easily take her. But in reality at best it would be 50/50 and thats only because that's what it had been for a long time. BM has a clean record and there's no evidence of actual abuse. The only thing we have any record of that could possibly hold up in court at all is her school attendance.

tog redux's picture

Exactly. And BM will present herself as Mother of The Year and get SD to lie about you - there is nothing objective about family court. 

Jcksjj's picture

She probably does believe we're as awful as BM and SIL have pushed her to believe anyway. I mean SIL flat out told her that I bully her and that our rules regarding chores are unfair. And BM made her go talk to the school counselor about DH.

CastleJJ's picture

This person is bananas. Your SD is refusing to visit right now and apologizing/begging for her return isn't going to fix the situation. You guys will have no influence to change SD with BM and in-laws so involved. You guys are facing constant abuse from BM, in-laws, and SD. You guys need to remain disengaged and let the situation play out as it is. 

I also love that people think you can just "take custody" of a child. DH spent a year in court and $30k to gain more visitation than 6 weeks per year and failed miserably. We didn't even gain an additional day. But don't worry, it's so EASY to take custody! 

Jcksjj's picture

I'd like to think that at some age people will stop feeling sorry for her, but idk. It seems like people tend to have more sympathy for people acting like a*holes than the people that are being treated poorly.

It's rare that someone will mention on their own how it could affect the other kids. And they don't seem to realize that it affects me at all.

CastleJJ's picture

Because it's all about poor SD... the child of divorce. You and your kids have an intact family with DH, where SD's family is broken hence the emotional turmoil that everyone must jump in to fix... Also, people who play the victims will always ensure they get victim treatment - your BM, SD, MIL... 

Jcksjj's picture

They all conveniently forget that my ODS had a dad that was absent for a few years and then passed away. But since he's not constantly acting out I guess that's forgettable.

CastleJJ's picture

Bingo. Your ODS is well-adjusted and "okay" so clearly he can't be doing that bad compared to poor SD. 

JRI's picture

When you get done correctiIng SD,'s personality and behavior, start on world peace, climate change and a cancer cure.  Lol.


CastleJJ's picture

I'm pretty sure you have a better chance of curing cancer and securing world peace... 

CajunMom's picture

Take the them to be better. Ummmm...after three attempts, all sabotaged by the BM (now dead) and the two oldest kids of DH....not one damn thing changed. I continued to be the "bad" guy because I had rules and expectations in our home. Thankfully, after the third try, I gave up and refused to have any of them live in this home ever again. I let the BM and the oldest daughter take over....and the two youngest kids both ended up being high school drop outs and both still struggle today.

As BM is dead, now the oldest daughter can relish in her accomplishments with her youngest siblings. This gal is D.O.N.E.

I would not take on this kid in the 5th grade let alone high school (future). 

PetSpoiler's picture

SS came to live with us when he was 8 because BM couldn't deal with him and didn't want him living with her anymore.  That is how DH got custody.  It is hard from what I understand for a father to get custody from the mother unless he is able to prove that the mother is unfit.  SS did improve a lot.  He was always pretty good with me and DH.  His behavior improved with BM as well.  Problem was he had an issue with lying, courtesy of BM.  For a time I thought he had stopped.  His lying merely went dormant.  I will say that he is a productive member of society.  He officially launched when he was 21, but was rarely home after he graduated high school so he was practically out the door before then.  He got with SDIL and she brought out the liar in him.

  We haven't spoken to him in two years. He claimed that he considered me his mother yet he wasn't comfortable talking to me, the woman who helped raise him, who he lived with longer than he did BM.  Yeah, that one.  He claimed that he thought of me as his mother but treated me like I was just someone his dad married that he hadn't known for most of his life.  He certainly didn't treat me like a mother.  He wasn't openly rude but he also knew that DH and I wouldn't tolerate that.  He was polite at least.  Yet he expected me to act like grandma to his son. If I'm so awful why did he want me around his kid?  

So no, whoever said that has no clue what they're talking about.  Did we keep him from turning out like his mother, who was addicted to drugs and refused to work?  Maybe.  He may have chosen to be better than her in that regard anyway with or without our influence.  But we were not able to break him from the lying and manipulating.  He chose to hold onto those character traits unfortunately.   Unless and until he and his wife both apologize, acknowledge their wrongs, and change their behavior, I will not have anything to do with them.   I won't hold my breath.  

I wouldn't take SD to live with you if I was in your shoes.  As long as BM is an influence in her life, it won't do any good.  Or she'll have friends or a SO who will influence her negatively because she will gravitate towards people like that.  

shamds's picture

Or product of failure to parent well or daddy's breeding experiment with hcgubm batshit crazy!! Worry about your own self and your own kids.

my husband has made it clear to his kids especially the 2 adults sd26, ss23.5 that by their own admission, bio mum abandoned and neglected them and when hubby is no longer alive and their mum has no care for them, they have nobody!! 

bio mums family is batshit crazy and the closest relatives they have is me and the 2 kids i had with hubby and guess what?? They sabotaged that relationship multiple times and we want nothing to do with them. So hubby said enjoy the loneliness and reflect on the consequences of your actions and behaviour because his priority is to the 2 kids he has with me who are now 4 & 5 and require his attention, care and nurturing.

cue in sd at age 24 calling daddy with a whole sob story how daddy abandoned them for me and our 2 kids when they cut off contact for 5.5 yrs over lies they know bio mum made of daddy

shamds's picture

Into it. Thing is, people eventually see through the bullshit. 
grown arse adult skids in my case can claim hubby abandoned them but he is the only one that has financially provided for them since biomum hasn't worked in 30yrs, working is so beneath queen b!! Its not his job anymore to pander or prioritise their wants over me and our 2 minor kids needs. 

skids don't know this clearly but my husband said when he retires early in about 1-2 yrs, he's leaving them high and dry. He will one day cut them off financially. The 2 adults aged 26 (full time employment 2 yrs already) and ss23.5 (finished university in march 2020 and chose to stay at home not get a job till may this yr- a bum freeloader for 14 months), will be told one day no more money i'm retiring, live off your own salary is gonna be the day i predict the guilt trip hubby and blame me and our 2 young kids aged 4 & almost 6 now for why daddy cut them off. 
yes apparently eldest sd26 believes hubby must prioritise indefinite cs as a priority forever over and above our kids basic needs and retirement 

Winterglow's picture

Like you just had to snap your fingers and HEY PRESTO! you have full custody of SD ... I hope you told that someone to keep taking the tablets...

Stepdrama2020's picture

Ya know the saying "walk a mile in someone elses shoes " applies here.

Unless you live it you dont get it. Thats why there is this forum.


Ispofacto's picture

My exBF has a degree in criminal justice and sociology, works at a minimum security prison.  He says personality is set by age 7.  You might be able to make very minor improvements, if people weren't actively undermining you.


Jcksjj's picture

Yes, that's what I've heard too. And interestingly the person I was talking too also said that more than once so it didn't make a ton of sense to me. I mean, obviously people grow and mature past 7, but I think the foundation is set.

For me personally, I went through a phase as a teen where I acted way different, and then after a few years went back to how I had been personality wise as a child, for the most part.

shamds's picture

Ways and you cannot remarry and have that partner/spouse parent that kid. If their mum is high conflict, you will struggle to have change and accommodate the new family members because existing kids want things the way they always were when they are no longer the family they always were before