Do you feel he's a bit indifferent? When you say he's emotionless do you feel like you could do the stuff he does and it genuinely wouldn't bother him because he's indifferent to it all? Just asking because in this blog your situation sounds alot like mine was.

 Almost like "we'll I didn't do it to upset you so therefore you shouldn't be upset" kind of attitude?

I completely understand how you feel. I can’t talk to my BF about anything with out feeling like my opinion is stupid or that I’m just being too emotional and irrational. On top of him telling me we need to learn how to talk to each other. I really hope you can figure it out though and I’m sorry you have to go through this. 

In general, guys don't love talking about "feelings".  They tend to communicate differently.

That being said, it sounds like he is gaslighting a little bit.

Bottom line is you are entitled to your feelings but you need to figure out how to communicate  your needs without your SO getting sidetracked by minutae.

Have you tried counseling?

My DH used to do this, answer a question with a question to deflect, or make me feel like my feelings weren't valid because that's not how he felt about a situation.

It took a lot of time, help with counseling and now he is a lot better. Sometimes he still falls back into the deflecting mode because it's easier for him, but then I stop and remind him that he needs to answer a question before he can ask me one. I have sat for periods of time waiting for an answer and none has come, that's when I just tell him because of his lack of response the subject is closed and we both need to move on, usually that motivates him to open up and finally start talking.

We are married to the same man. My DH does the same thing. If I say X-bad-thing, he says but-Y-good-thing. He and the skids can never be bad/wrong. If I bring up a pattern, I'm dredging up the past (even if the past is within months of the discussion). And I do get the "but I didn't mean to" excuse. What it means really is: I couldn't be bothered to think about you or show any empathy and now you're making me feel uncomfortable so stop.

In a relationship, both people are equal partners.  One may do A and the other does B. But that and agreement between the partners. Is a second marriage with SK there a lot of sucking it up in general. As in his first marriage there was not any kids, yet.  So all they did was go out alone, Have alone time. 

You are sucking up the fact he brought a kid in to your relationship. Him treating you as another child is not right. You can try counseling, to get someone else to tell him he’s wrong.  And see how it goes from there.  Then either he changes, maybe you can change a little.  Or you have to consider your next step,.

I get it.  DH deflects like crazy too.  He can also gas-light but I don't take it.

When he gets on a roll, I just don't respond or walk away. I don't stand there to be talked to like I don't know anything because I'm not a COD.  I simply remind him I'm a PERSON and have feelings and opinions, and he can take that or leave it. Just because my experiences are not his or his kids does not make my viewpoint meaningless.  He played the "I'm the dad" card wiht me this spring, and oh boy, I remind him of that a lot. "Ok, then, you're the dad - you decide."

I'll tell you, DH and I have some talking to do when he gets back from his trip. I'm not putting up with his recent 14 yo boy mentality and blaming everyone but himself for what's going on.

Hmmm. If this is how he behaves with a partner, no wonder he's divorced. As bad as BMs can be, these men are far from perfect.

Enough of you trying to fix yourself - it's past time the two of you went to couples counseling. Communication is KEY in any relationship, and your guy sounds almost impossible to have a conversation with.

Same here. There are good days and bad days...the good days, he's a little more reasonable and understanding. Does couples counseling really work? How do you get past the "why do we need couples counseling? We just need to communicate better." Um yah, if we were doing that oh so well, we wouldn't need the counseling.

Here are some lines that worked with DH:

"I know you are but what am I??  How old are you??"

"You're wrong.  Why can't you just apologize?"

"This problem isn't going to go away.  Do you want to fight about this again tomorrow??"

"We're talking about you or skids right now, stop trying to derail this conversation.  If you have a problem with something I am doing wrong, we can talk about that next."

"That's a separate issue.  We're talking about THIS right now."

"This is a pattern, not an isolated incident."

"That's not what you told me yesterday.  Your story keeps changing.  I'm going to start writing down everything you say."

"You're gaslighting me."

It also helps to frame things in terms of how he is crippling his kid, instead of how annoyed you are.  Because, really, when you think on it, the major reason you are annoyed is because you can see where this is all going.

Killjoy is crippled.  The whole family always hated her, and now she barely has any friends.  I used to blame BM for egging her on and setting a poor example, but really the fault mostly lies with DH, for spoiling her and refusing to address her obnoxious behaviors.

I can so relate to all this. My SO (female, but as i say wired a lot like a typical male) does the same. If im upset by something NOT related to her and I she is great. But heaven forbid i try to go to her with a hurt that she has inadvertently been involved in - denial, justifying, minimizing etc. ANYTHING to have it not be her fault, which usually means I just feel like im being hypersensitive, irrational etc. Before the kid/disney parenting issues this was and has been out key communication issue which gives rise to our most difficult relational dynamics.

I can totally see where my SOs childhood causes her to feel like she needs to defend and not be bad/wrong in essence to 'survive' but its exhausting and disconnecting and makes me feel like I cant go to her when something isnt sitting right. 

The other day for the first time ever i called her on it but in a big way. Ive raised it in the past but as usual, i always try to be gentle which probably just means I'm being indirect. The other day we were chatting and I raised a serious fight we had a few months ago - and how she said things in that scenario which were just black and white not true and was trying to convince me that they were (about what she had said and done). She asked if i thought she was a liar and i gulped and all i could honestly and painfully say at that point was "Yes, i think in that scenario you were lying and manipulating. It was just simply untrue and you even admitted it later yourself".... and the poor thing started crying (tears rolling down her cheek). She said that she didn't mean to, and that maybe in the moment even she wasn't aware that she was lying/contradicting herself. I'm a sucker for other people feeling hurt so i backed off completely and we just sat together. Later I told her that I can accept her explanation - that it could just have been a stress response type denial/lie on her part.

But even in typing this out my head is going "Well, is that it? Do we just accept that she will unknowingly deny things that she has done or said just so as not to 'be in trouble' as she perceives it?"

The sad bit is when i go to her with hurts I'm never even angry because I trust she doesn't do things intentionally. I just want to hear an "Im sorry babe, i didn't mean to hurt you" and i instantly can let it go - but she takes it as an attack, as some kind of threat that she needs to avoid at all costs. So sad. I am far from perfect myself. I wish I didnt need my partner to be able to hear me and be a soft place for me when im feeling vulnerable - but I do. Just frustrating that what i need most is whats hardest for her to give... 

ARRRGHHH!