Mostly OT - but need advice quick!
This is only semi step related but since I've gotten so much good advice on here regarding toxic family members I'm putting it out there anyway.
Short background: MIL has appeared to be having meltdowns that DH doesnt see her as much anymore, sending FIL and SIL to try different ways to provoke a reaction, including having them go suck up to BM when none of them had contact with her before, etc.
FIL asked DH a couple days ago if DH wanted to bring SD down with him. No mention of the other kids. MIL sent DH this text today:
Hi DH, dad mentioned he had asked you to come down to the shooting range and bring SD if she wanted to come. JUST TO BE CLEAR....I know Jcksjj doesn't care to come down, therefore no YDS but everyone is always welcome to come here. I would hope that you already know that. If ODS wants to or if you wanted to bring MDS we would love to see him also. I know dad said you would let him know if you could. I just wanted to clarify our intentions.
I feel like this is first of all blaming me for things that have never been said. Neither DH or I have ever told her I dont like going there. And also, I'm wondering what the actual intention is. It feels like its provocative, but it's so difficult to tell over a text. Or possibly its guilt tripping and I'm supposed to go to tell her how much I love going there? Any ideas on what DH should respond?
- Jcksjj's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
If everyone is welcome, why
If everyone is welcome, why was only your husband and sd invited initially (if you could cal the rest of that an invite for everyone else).
This is bullcrap.
I agree. So the dilemma here
I agree. So the dilemma here is did MIL say something to FIL about wanting SD to come to start with or did he send it on his own? Because it could go either way. FIL is legitimately that dumb that he wouldnt even realize that's offensive. On the other hand, MIL is quite intelligent but sneaky. The original invite for DH made sense because it's an activity I definitely have no interest in and they do. But the with SD part doesnt make much sense.
My take:
My take:
MIL is using other relatives as Flying Monkeys to acheive her goals. She somehow found out about the overtly exclusionary invite FIL issued (because apparently she hasn't sufficiently reprogrammed him yet) and reached out attempting to do damage control. Her message attempts to still exclude you while making herself look accommodating.
Best case scenario: your DH responds via text. He takes her power away by saying something like " I don't know where you got the idea that Jcksjj wouldn't enjoy shooting, or why you wouldn't like to see your youngest gkid. Jcksjj is actually a crack shot with both hand and long guns. You should reach out to her to coordinate things."
I was thinking the same with
I was thinking the same with what you said about the first paragraph re the flying monkeys. SIL has actually done a total 180 out of nowhere with excluding us from everything. We hadnt even seen her recently when she started. And FIL hadnt had anything to do with BM since DH split with her and then 5 years later is sucking up to her? Interesting point that shes still attempting to exclude me....hmm. That could very definitely be a reason she said it that way.
For the response though- DH and I had taken the messages as he would go shooting with FIL while SD hung out at MILs house. And that I dont enjoy going to their house.
Eta: there was a really awkward attempt by SIL to have just SD invited to MILs usual summer party (a week after YDS was born) she throws and SIL didnt know how to play it off and basically started stuttering about it when she found out we didnt even have SD that week and awkwardly invited "the other kids." I bet that was the same thing.
When my MIL was playing power
When my MIL was playing power games I backed out totally for few years and made DH handle all of it. He didn't handle much and to this day we don't have much contact with them. She looking for a reaction, any to make herself feel noticed. Ignore her. Learn about the drama triangle. Then take yourself out of it and follow DH's lead on how to deal or not deal with his mother. " You know nothing and are totally incapable of solving any of this." That should be your new mantra. The peace your find will be surprising after all this drama.
I looked up the drama
I looked up the drama triangle thing awhile ago, and even though it made sense in the article I had trouble applying the concept to my specific situations.
I think shes looking for attention/drama in any way she can too. If she was actually concerned I didnt want to go there why not ask him about it instead of saying it in a guilt tripping "poor me" way?
Mine I thought was kind of
Mine I thought was kind of complicated too, but bringing in outsiders to do the deed to stir the pot with the intended is how my MIL worked. (BM too). So MIL would make a comment to SIL, who would then take it up with DH, who would then fight with me over it. SIL was just the messanger when the drama came from MIL. So it looks like 4 people but really it was 3. I think MIL is trying to cause a fight with you and DH and using others to stir the pot. If you and DH recognize her game, you can stop playing it and stop the messangers from having any effect on your home.
I checked out and left it all to DH to handle for a few years. DH didn't like having to handle his mother on his own, no buffer anymore, and all had to deal with the reasons for my absence. ( is it too much to ask for respect as the wife of DH?)
All this drama takes the focus off of MIL and her questionable behavior which started the whole thing. That's how it played out in my situation, but it took me a bit to figure it all out, maybe its not in your situation but I'd look a little deeper at the motivations and who is aware of being manipulated. I suspect that MIL has never met someone she couldn't control. She doesn't like it so she's trying the only tricks she knows that have worked in the past. My MIL practices Catholic guilt but since I wasn't brought up Catholic it doesn't work on me. LOL DH is on to her now.
Sounds similar. Its
Sounds similar. Its definitely MILs agenda, SIL and FIL werent like this before. And now they are and MIL is pretending to be the opposite. I dont think that makes SIL and FIL are just messengers in my case either though. They are actively taking part in it even if they never would have done it on their own. DH wants to see them as innocent but I don't - this is pretty basic right and wrong and they are both adults and know the difference.