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More soul searching

Jcksjj's picture

Doing some more soul searching and I've come to the realization that I think part of my feelings not going away is because I feel a sense of loss. And it's kind of like going through a grieving process.

So when I first met DH, I already obviously had a son. The situation he was born into wasnt great, but I had no regrets because I love being a parent. I did, however, not want to have a stepfamily or kids with multiple dads. Part of the reason I stayed with abusive ex so long was to try to have the ideal "normal" family I wanted. I came to terms with the fact that it wasnt going to work out with his dad and moved on. When I met DH, I was also at peace with the idea of having more kids and them being half siblings. 

But then when MDS (22 months) was born, it started to hit me again that I would never have the family structure I had always wanted. I mean obviously I knew that already and thought I had come to terms with it. But having kids in a better situation with a better person is so different. And it made me realize what it could have been like if DH hadnt already had a kid. I mean I had already had one too, but on my end its different because ODS dad is out of the picture, he doesnt bother us, ODS accepts DH, etc. For most things its not much different than if it were a nuclear family when it comes to him. But having SD adds all these complications that wouldn't be there in a nuclear family. And having ours babies brought things to the surface and added complications I didn't expect. Inlaws viewing my kids as "secondary" is one thing. I didnt expect grandkids that are also their bios to be treated the way they are just because they were born after SD. But "poor SD doesnt like sharing her daddy" (MILs words). So they're less special and should be put second. Theres other things to, but that's the one that comes to mind right now. Having important things like birthdays, first holidays, etc be hard to enjoy because of drama that BM and SD and things related to them causes is another. When it was just ODS and SD that wasnt as much of an issue because things tended to be more "you go with your family, I'll go with mine."

Bottom line, situation changed and I dont think I've come to terms with everything that those changes brought to my awareness.


Thisisnotus's picture

oh huge hugs to you. I know it's so hard. I live it, too. I never knew it would be like this. And you are right, it is so much life grief. I feel like I have a gaping hole where my fun loving heart used to be.


Lodo27's picture

May I ask you an honest question: Had you known this is how things would be, would you have chosen someone without a child already over this man you are now with?

Jcksjj's picture

Um..I really don't know. Since I already had one myself also, i think there would have been a different set of issues with that scenario.

I think the ideal would be to find the right person and only have kids with them. But the divorce rate is still high then and staying married doesnt mean you're happy either so...idk.

missginger's picture

This comment would make me want to punch throat your MIL:  "poor SD doesnt like sharing her daddy" 

susanm's picture

"I know what you mean, MIL.  My son doesn't like sharing his father either.  I guess DH is going to have to choose between the kids pretty soon.  And you know how much men like having "their boy!"  I hope SD doesn't take it too hard but I am sure BM will find her a new daddy."  *diablo*

Jcksjj's picture

Every other thing she says makes me feel that way. But yeah, I hate the insinuations that the other kids are a burden to SD. Give me a break, most kids have siblings, it's not some sad misfortune. Most people would actually see having siblings as a good thing.

Jcksjj's picture

No no I actually was going to comment and got sidetracked but your comment was actually very spot on to what I was going to make another blog about. I still find myself being suspicious all the time that DH is putting SD above the rest of us in one way or another and snapping at him. Many times it turns out I'm wrong, but I clearly haven't fully gotten over that. So yes, there probably is some unresolved issues. I think that his family is now causing problems on SDs behalf and he isnt really sticking up for us to them is also part of it. Same issue with different people. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I know how you feel! My SD10 is the same

way and MIL treat her the same way. It really sucks to have that feeling but this weekend I did some hard thinking and I came up with just fully disengaging from the whole BM and SD .