More soul searching
Doing some more soul searching and I've come to the realization that I think part of my feelings not going away is because I feel a sense of loss. And it's kind of like going through a grieving process.
So when I first met DH, I already obviously had a son. The situation he was born into wasnt great, but I had no regrets because I love being a parent. I did, however, not want to have a stepfamily or kids with multiple dads. Part of the reason I stayed with abusive ex so long was to try to have the ideal "normal" family I wanted. I came to terms with the fact that it wasnt going to work out with his dad and moved on. When I met DH, I was also at peace with the idea of having more kids and them being half siblings.
But then when MDS (22 months) was born, it started to hit me again that I would never have the family structure I had always wanted. I mean obviously I knew that already and thought I had come to terms with it. But having kids in a better situation with a better person is so different. And it made me realize what it could have been like if DH hadnt already had a kid. I mean I had already had one too, but on my end its different because ODS dad is out of the picture, he doesnt bother us, ODS accepts DH, etc. For most things its not much different than if it were a nuclear family when it comes to him. But having SD adds all these complications that wouldn't be there in a nuclear family. And having ours babies brought things to the surface and added complications I didn't expect. Inlaws viewing my kids as "secondary" is one thing. I didnt expect grandkids that are also their bios to be treated the way they are just because they were born after SD. But "poor SD doesnt like sharing her daddy" (MILs words). So they're less special and should be put second. Theres other things to, but that's the one that comes to mind right now. Having important things like birthdays, first holidays, etc be hard to enjoy because of drama that BM and SD and things related to them causes is another. When it was just ODS and SD that wasnt as much of an issue because things tended to be more "you go with your family, I'll go with mine."
Bottom line, situation changed and I dont think I've come to terms with everything that those changes brought to my awareness.