Yep been there and still dealing with it from time to time. Maybe it's because we aren't in their shoes? I get frustrated and just want to tell him to get the hell over it and remind him how nice life is without her here causing trouble every weekend. He's better than he was but when he gets in a funk it's annoying.

I don't think stating the obvious is cold, it's just blunt. My SD is a clone of BM since she was little. I told DH years ago that she was going to be trouble and probably won't be around in a few years and that's pretty much where we are. I feel bad for DH but I also want to move on in life and leave out anything that disrupts our peace (SD). 

You can clearly see that your DH tried and didn't do anything to be treated this way. It is what it is. Sometimes they can't always see that. A year and half ago I was going through hell with DH blaming himself but it has gotten better. We've recently had setbacks but I am hoping he gets over it again. So sorry your going through this it isn't fun. Hopefully your husband can pick up the pieces and stop feeling guilty for what has happened with his daughter.

I don't think the feelings of guilt ever go away. Even if they have reached the point of acceptance of Thier situation. 

SO isn't crazy like he used to be, in that I can reiterate boundaries with him when he has moments of weakness and he is accepting. But he still brings things up as if he needs reminders to maintain healthy boundaries himself.

I admit at this point I lack empathy and find myself irritated that we have to even discuss it. Which is I should be better about because I think it's just his way if processing through his feelings by sharing them with me. 

He needs to place the blame strictly where it belongs - on BM. Not to say he was perfect, but I'm quite sure he didn't do anything to deserve being alienated from his daughter. This is about BM's pathology and not about him - and feeling "guilty" means he's buying into BM's abusive statements and blaming himself, as she wants him to. My DH seemed to see that right away and it helped. 

I think that I would have to tell him that he needs to deal with his guilt and that at some point he has to accept the reality of where everything stands today.

I would tell him that it isn't fair that he is causing these guilty feelings to impact the present.  That sure, everyone has a down day from time to time, but it isn't fair to himself, to you.. to his family today to live in a past and allow that to constantly put a pall over everyone's life.

I might also add that for what it's worth, his daughter is alive and despite the history, there is always the chance that things may be able to be positive in the future.. but that if he can't get past the history and deal with the present.. that is never going to have a chance of happening.

But, it's incredibly unfair to you to have to deal with his moodiness over something that you didn't cause and have no way of fixing.. and neither does he. 

Maybe he needs to go to counseling, but you can't keep standing around waiting for him to snap out of it.

I feel like this is going to be my future someday soon. SD is going to turn out just like BM,  Do the bare minimum her whole life and of course will probably constantly need daddy to help her out financially. And he is going to be all blue and down in the dumps and say things like " I should have done this" or "I should've pushed her more when she was younger". I swear to god if he does I'm gonna lose it though! I tried over and over to tell him that he needed to push her to do things that he is the father needs to put his foot down on some things. He just wants to do the bare minimum himself and blame everything on BM. Unless of course something good happens then he's all ready to take the credit for it.