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Difference between wife vs child

Jcksjj's picture

Alright, DH is finally actually discussing the guilt parenting and midwife behaviors. So that i dont leave anything out and since alot of you all are much better at explaining these things then me - what's the best way to explain the mini wife stuff and how you should treat a wife vs a child? Specific examples are good 

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advice.only2's picture

Example:
DH: Where should we go to dinner tonight?
You: How about ABC....
Child: I want XYZ and we need to go there now DADDDY!
DH: Okay we will go to XYZ let's go
You: Um I don't think we should eat at XYZ because it's very expensive and child only wants to go there for the desert and won't eat.
Kid: DADDY XYZ NOW!!
DH: But they want XYZ!
You: Well then you can both go to XYZ I will stay home.
DH: You always do this, whatever the KID wants you don't so we all get punished!

This shows that DH is on a adult relationship level with the child, and views you as the child who is spoiling the plans between him and his adult companion.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Husband that puts more thought into mini wife’s birthday presents etc than yours, and spends way more money on them than yours (without even even consulting you). Expensive dresses and jewellery way into her twenties, cos she is entitled to and ‘won’t speak to daddy if he doesn’t do what she wants, get what she wants. In the meantime actual wife is left with scraps. This shows when there is a limited amount of money in the pot so to speak he is way more frightened of saying no to his mini wife than actual wife. Mini wife takes advantage of guilty dad. Etc etc.

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

SKIDS spoiled rotten with material possessions, MR. ED spoils himself with material possessions, I live on a separate thrift store budget (which I am used to, but truthfully...it sucks sometimes being the non-spoiled odd ball out).  

I ask MR. ED all the time, "Why is it so easy for you to tell me no, ask me what I did all day, complain if I did not take care of some mundane chore that I didn't even know you preferred I do, or call me on the slightest hint of a negative tone in my voice, but NOT...ONE...WORD...WHISPERED to SKIDS that might hurt their feelings or cause them to feel "judged".  I can put off pulling weeds in lieu of a busy workday and his disapproval flows freely.  Meanwhile, SD16 gets drunk, high, vapes, does no chores, trashes her room, physically threatens me, stays out for days who knows where or who with and insists on MR. ED kicking me out so she can feel comfortable in her home.  MR. ED's response?  ***Silence***  Miniwife...yeah.

Jcksjj's picture

I wish I could post a screenshot of my convo earlier with DH - that's so similar to what I said. Why can you easily dismiss me telling you blatantly how unhappy I am but with her you sit there and panic that she MIGHT get upset when shes showing zero signs that she will be.

Ispofacto's picture

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1500231029/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0

 

My SD15 is a miniwife, but not in an affectionate way.  She's a cold miniwife in the same sense that her pyschopath BM was a wife.  Controlling, naricissistic, dramatic, she makes everything about her.  She believes she transcends the adults in the household, and wants to run everything her way.  Despite being a viper, she acts cutesy and helpless, and never gets enough attention.  She's a calculated, scheming backstabber.

 

CLove's picture

She talkes about the origins (always wondered), and helpful hints on how to "squash that bug".

I am thinking about actually purchasing it and referring my step-friends!

Woulnt that be cool - a virtual library of must -reads for steps.

NoThanks's picture

SO claims the only reason he hasn’t purchased your engagement ring yet is because he wants to pay for it in cash with his upcoming bonus. Then turns around runs up well over $1000 in credit for his princess’ 12th bday gifts. Yeah, fuck you too bro. Sorry for the language but that one still burns. 

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

Best example I can think of from our home...

I've left briefly a couple of times over the 6 years we've been together because of the toxicity around SKIDS.  Each time, SDs would suddenly start cleaning the house and cooking for MR. ED while I was gone and he would brag about them doing so.  As soon as I returned to the scene to reconcile, they disappeared and refused to do any housework or chores.  I once asked YSD16 why she does that, and she said because she wants to help MR. ED.  I tried to reason with her that if that is the case she should continue even when I am here.  I asked if that means she DOES NOT want to help me in any way or just be a responsible person that takes pride in her home.  Her response..***SILENCE*** 

With a mini wife, I think ANY women would threaten their perceived status.  SDs behaved this way with MR. ED's previous GF, so its not personal...its a mini wife!

CLove's picture

DH told me that the eldest, Feral Forger, used to be SO HELPFUL and did a LOT of cleaning and "helping". And of course she SUDDENLY STOPPED when I turned up. I thought that was really strange, and though that perhaps she was just lazy, and here there is another adult to carry the load. But over time, I have realised that she had been elevated to role of decision making adult, with authority over the household decisions as well as her younger sister. Now I realize the source of our conflict (one of them, anyways)

The source of our conflict was her and I "battling for the Queendome". LOL.

I wish I had known even half of what I do now!

Iamwoman's picture

This can be easily summed up:

1. The child’s basic NEEDS such as food (any food, not preferred food), clothing (any, not preferred), and shelter (basic shelter, not cutesy shelter) come before your needs and wants. Why? You’re an adult and can feed, clothe, and shelter yourself on a basic level. Children, due to “protective” law, have a hard time even getting hired at a job until 16. Therefore, they are completely reliant on their parents to stay alive, warm, and safe.

2. YOUR needs, such as love, respect, teamwork, friendship, peace, quiet, sanity, etc, come second in line. You are the other adult in the house, and have earned a higher status than a child. After very basic food, clothing, and shelter for the children, your husband’s desire to fulfill needs should pivot around you.

3. YOUR wants come third. Again, you are not only an adult (and therefore higher in status), but you are your husband’s spouse. That should mean the world to him. A married couple is one person, and he should consider your wants as evenly as he considers his own if not moreso.

4. After all of your needs, and most of your important wants have been fulfilled, lastly are the children’s wants. Putting the children’s wants last teaches them to respect you as an adult figure, teaches them patience in waiting for their wants, and strengthens their sense of desire to someday fulfill their own wants (we all want what we can’t have). This builds character. If DH chooses to meet the children’s wants before yours, he is teaching them zero boundaries, lack of respect for you, and how to manipulate people to getvwhat they want in life. ... and the first person they’ll ty to manipulate for the rest of their lives is dear old dad.

STaround's picture

That comes before my kid wanting to join the school soccer team?   If we cannot afford both?

STaround's picture

Most of your important covers very broad language.  But then again, my wants include my DC going to college, ECs in HS, etc. Which I made clear to him when we were engaged. 

 

In many second marriages, esp among people of a certain age, fiances are seperate.

ESMOD's picture

Of course, if you can afford to pay for your child's EC etc.. then I believe you should be allowed to prioritize your money over subsidizing your spouses hobby... because again.. your spouse is an adult and capable of funding their own hobbies.

 

Iamwoman's picture

Hi STaround, at first I didn’t consider your response as warranting a reply from me. It seemed ridiculously black and white. People who live their lives under black and white hard-lined terms tend to not do well overall.

However, I mentally immersed myself in this proposed scenario of a spousal boat desire versus a child’s soccer team desire, and decided to reply.

Here are my thoughts:

1. If the family can afford a boat (we bought a lovely sailboat for $1500 and renovated it to the tune of another $1000, so let’s use $2500 for a reasonably sized family boat), then paying for a school soccer team shouldn’t be a problem. Team fees and athletic insurance should run less than $80 total, plus another $100 for uniform, cleats, shin guards, ball, and mouth guard. If a family can easily drop $2500 on a boat, then ~$200 for a soccer season should be a drop in the bucket. If you don’t think so, then you really can’t afford that boat now can you?

2. Let’s pretend that you and spouse are willing to spend every last penny on a boat with absolutely nothing left over for emergencies or low-level expenses such as a soccer team. If a boat is the dream of a spouse, then yes. The boat takes precedence. You and spouse have worked your rears  off for years, graduating from school, getting hired for jobs, putting up with life’s garbage... if a boat will make a spouse insanely happy (such as our sailboat does for me), then soccer can wait, or the child can join the city league for practically no cost. Perhaps the child could prove their desire to play soccer by practicing in the yard first (I played soccer as a child, and prior to that spent most of my free time in the yard kicking a ball down the street or at the walls until my parents (who could easily afford everything) decided to put me in a soccer league. I didn’t just SAY “I wan to play soccer,” without ever having touched a soccer ball, and if I had, my folks would not have responded like genies in a lamp. I had to prove my wants before they hopped on over to the ATM for me.

This is part of character building... something that is seriously lacking in families these days who revolve their lives around their children.

My parents were the most important people in our family and we kids knew it. Guess what? I don’t feel as if I were neglected or abused, and I have gone on to earn a masters degree, a successful career, and married to my best friend and soul mate.

Boat first, soccer second.

AlwaysSmiling's picture

When I asked SO to take me out dancing, he told me he just physically cannot anymore, that his dancing days are over.
But a few weeks later, SO & MW get all dressed up in matching outfits and stay late at the Daddy/Daughter dance (which he's taken her to for years and they won't miss one).

On our very 1st anniversary, my SO told me days before to get dressed up because he was going to take me out to eat at a fancy restaraunt. Then he called me last minute, to let me know that he was going to have to cancel as he spent all- yes all, of his money on MW the day before.

They have a favorite restaraunt that they frequent so much (always dressed up in matching outfits) that the waiters refer to MW as his 'other half' (I cannot stand this place & refuse to go there anymore).

My SO is an author. Not famous or anything, but he has written several books. He wrote 4 dedicated soley to MW and her first years. He wrote another fantasy adventure series & the world is named after her. He wrote another set of books in which the main character is named after her. My name appears as a character in that series as well. At one point in that fantasy book, the character that is named after her becomes a goddess and all the other characters (including the one that bears my namesake) 'bow down before her'.

It's like an obsession. He adores her above all others- he says she is his miracle, bc he was told he couldn't have kids. He says he was at a point of giving up in life & she came along and saved his life. 

She acts like she is his biggest fan. She doesn't hound him about leaving dirty clothes on the floor or other household chores. It's hard to compete for his attention when he sees her as the one that wouldn't change a thing about him, and I'm the one that is always complaining about him.

When a MW behavior Or a Guilty dad behavior pops up, I'm quick to address them both. For MW behaviors, there's always a hundred excuses from him why things should be different in her case (often stating something like - she doesn't get any attention at her mom's bc there's other kids there).

Hope those examples help. MW behavior is the worst bc you're constantly told that you are just jealous...of a child.

I own my jealousy- I say, damn right I'm jealous! I'm your woman. Shame on you for putting me in a sitution with your unhealthy boundaries and where I am left to feel jealous of a child!

Jcksjj's picture

That sounds like alot of pressure for the kid to live up to as being their miracle and savior. The kid didn't do anything themselves to be that anyway- they just motivated the parent to fix themselves.

CLove's picture

The total Mini-wife competion is yours!

So sad about that, geeze, I hope someday he dedicates his life to YOU.

AlwaysSmiling's picture

We've got lots more structured in the few years that we've been together. I've bought several books on the MW topic and enmeshment. I don't tolerate any of it anymore and respond to it as the abuse that it is. And it is abuse to choose not to provide your child with discipline and direction. We can go months at a time without seeing these behaviors from either of them. But I'm always on the lookout for them bc he will not be. I've become very comfortable being a bitch. I don't care if I hurt either of their feelings. I refuse to even discuss marriage anymore. Maybe one day, I'll feel like number one in someone's life again. But I do question if that will ever be in my partner's lifetime...

Doublehelix's picture

LMAO...sorry, I know it's not funny...but sometimes I feel like my life is so ridiculous now it's funny...WHYYYYYY 

tog redux's picture

I wonder this every day when I read these boards.

"DH can't understand why I don't want his son living in a shed in our backyard/his daughter sleeping in bed between us/ his 34-year-old son moving into our basement with his wife, daughter and 14 cats/his delinquent 17-year-old daughter moving in after she gets out of lock-up. He thinks it's fine to rub his daughter's leg under the table/fix her bathing suit top when she's 24/cuddle with his 10-year-old when she interrupts us during sex. He says I'm just jealous and selfish and I need to stop being insecure.  Am I the problem here?"

Merry's picture

Example from my house while discussing Christmas gifts:

Me: How about tickets to an event for Auntie? 

DH: No, I don’t like to give people tickets as gifts because blah blah blah.

SD a few days later: Dad, I have the perfect gift for you to give to Auntie. Tickets!

DH: That’s a great idea! I wouldn’t have thought of that.

DH to me later: Merry, SD had the BEST idea for a gift for Auntie. Tickets!

Cbarton12's picture

Examples:

-DH snuggling SD on the couch or bed instead of me. 

-SD getting full reign of the tv from 6pm to 9pm and weekends

-SD getting to eat dinner in front of the TV vs my desire to eat without the tv at the table

-SD asking for her dad every 30 seconds when he's not in view. 

AlwaysSmiling's picture

When a MW matures into adult relationships they are often confused and find themselves depressed to discover their boyfriend or spouse wishes for them to equals- because this is an absolute demosion from the superior role that she's always been accustomed to. 

It's unhealthy and the MW will ultimately reap the consequences of it in her adult years. 

I do care for the child, thus will not allow this abuse to continue in my home. 

I don't know how others see it. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

partner  and your child is your dependent. " Both should be treated  with love and respect.

Neither should  be treated like property  or a possession. 

You should listen attentively to  both and respond with love and  consideration.

A man who does these things is not likely going to have friction and conflict in his home.

mro's picture

A parent's role is to guide, teach, and when needed, discipline the child, in an age-appropriate way.  Married/commmitted couples do not punish one another.  If there is concern about a behavior they discuss it adult to adult.  

Married/committed couples share intimate (not necessarily sexual) thoughts with one another, not with their children, though of course they should be sounding boards for their kids' concerns.

shamds's picture

And you follow them and are expected to ask their permission. 

In my case sd23 & 14 actually told me in front kf daddy that they would do whatever to my toddlers when i said no don’t do this. I firmly told hubby on what planet do i get told by his 2 daughters that what they naughtily want to do to my toddlers supercedes my authority as their mum? Since when do i get tood to seek their permission or need to run things by them? Yup never and until hubby addresses thid with his daughters i will never be present

hubby justified this as daughters being friendly. Are you effin kidding me??

Trying to Stepmom's picture

I have no problem telling my SD to stop doing something that could hurt my toddler or create bad habits. And I will do this whether DH is in the room or not. 

When my toddler was younger and eating baby food, she did spit her food out (or something like that) and SD laughed. So of course DD did it again and SD laughed again. She couldn’t control her laughing (I didn’t find it very funny since I was getting sprayed with food) and very sternly told her to just leave the room. I’ve had to remind DH at times to talk to her about laughing when DD does something we don’t want her to do.