DH cant let go of the fantasy
Every week its the same. SD is gone for the week and DH expects that theres a clean slate and I'm completely over anything that's ever happened with her and this is the week that we are going to turn into a happy loving family. If I'm not actively complaining - which I'm doing much less of since I'm on here and disengaged more - he assumes that means things are turning around. It's getting old. She was difficult to get along with and like at only 4 years old, why would he think that's going to get better? He knows she is exactly like her mom but is desperately searching for any little sign that shes going to be "normal" and I'm getting sick of having every little piece of evidence that she is excitedly thrown in my face when I'm still dealing with her being awful to me and my kids. What will it take for him to come to terms with the fact that other people do not love his kid like he does and how I feel about her is based alot on her behavior, which is only getting worse as she gets older?
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Let me know when you figure
Let me know when you figure men out.
I think it’s gotta be their pride or just pure laziness. I do know from attending group therapist with SD and DH it’s really codependency, but I’m not sure what the benefit is for either of them.
My SD is definitely personality disordered, not a surprise, BM is too. She’s been kind of off emotionally since she was real little. DH read the first chapter of teen BPD book, and said this isn’t SD at all this actually sounds a lot like me, and I’m alright. And I’m like really DH, you fly off the handle at people for little things, you cut yourself because you’re depressed, you lie and manipulate people all the time, and you have to go to extremes to copy people to have a self identity? Sometimes I really feel like I’m living in a nut house.
Anyway that led to him just giving up on getting her a therapist for her myriad of problems, thinking she’s ok because at that moment she was happy and well, so all must be ok. Luckily BM realizes that both SD and herself have problems and she got them both a therapist.
Can I ask how SD was off a
Can I ask how SD was off a little bit as a child? I felt the same way even after meeting my SD only a couple times...there was just something not quite right about her and that made me uncomfortable even when she was only 4 years old. Nearly everyone I know that knows BM thinks shes a narcissist and I think SD is growing up to be the same. I think codependency is an issue for DH def as well. I've been meaning to look into that subject more as I dont know much about it. SD couldn't care less about anyone unless they are serving a purpose for her at that moment so I doubt that's her issue though.
When she was little, when she
When she was little, when she was happy, she was super happy, jumping on couches, running down the hall, she was way more wild than my two boys put together. When she was sad/mad it took her a very long time to stop being upset, like hours. She would be sad and pouty on Christmas morning, and the first day of school, or when grandparents came to visit where most kids are super happy and excited.
Then at six, the horrible lies about family members started and the manipulation of other people usually to get stuff or food out of them. At 10 she would be screaming angry, and super bossy over little stuff, towardes other students even at her teacher. Then when they fought back she would claim that she was “bullied”.
She calmed down in middle school, she was getting good grades, and we thought everything was fine, until she revealed she was actually depressed and cutting, and then she joined some crazy cultish church that only wore dresses, and they “saved” her. After banning her from going to the church, and then 3 months of constant arguing between DH and SD about her still wearing the stupid dresses all the time. 1 month after she stopped wearing the dresses she turns around and she starts screaming at her dad asking him why he ever let her go to that church in the first place.
She now came out as gay, and it makes sense. She preferred boy toys, and tore up Barbies into body parts and led them around in nooses, rather than playing Barbie. When she was 8ish she wanted to dress like and just be like her dad. She would even wear fake glasses because DH had glasses. After years of her complaining that she needed glasses, when she was 13 she and her mom finally found an optometrist that would give her a prescription for a pair of glasses.
Sorry, it’s long. This seriously has been the most stressful year with her.
When SD was 11, I found out
When SD was 11, I found out she was still co-sleeping with her mother. Late at night, when SD's resistances were low, Voldemort would cry to SD about her tortured existence, and how evil DH is. Nothing was off limits. This is the only "intimacy" Voldemort has allowed SD. I doubt there has been any physical incest, but the emotional incest is staggering with these narcissists. Voldemort hates sex, hates men, and cries to SD all the time about how painful bearing a child is, and shows SD the scars on her gross body from her one voluntary c-section. She has one child for no other reason than the meal ticket.
SD is almost 15 and I'm pretty sure she is gay, but she hasn't come out yet. I'm fine with anyone being gay, but I think life is so much harder for them in this culture. And I'm not sure this happens organically for these children of narcissists. I think all the male bashing she's gotten from her mom, along with the warped, disgusting "intimacy", has caused SD's frigidity and distaste for men.
I wonder how often this happens.
That is interesting, SD and
That is interesting, SD and BM would share a bed when BM and her stepdad were fighting (which was a lot and there were 3 other kids there). I’m not really sure how attached she and her mom are, but SD is super defensive of her mom. Like she’s not allowed to like my cooking or have fun when I take her places. I’m not sure if the pressure is coming from SD or BM. BM acts all happy stepfamily in front of us, but who knows what happens in private... Anyway they both have borderline tendencies so maybe they need that close intimacy. They can be a comfort to each other and leave other people out of their screwed up lives.
Hmm. Well I cant relate to
Hmm. Well I cant relate to the first part at all because SD is very very in control of her emotions. Creepily so. Genuine emotion is very rare but theres alot of over the top faked emotions to get what she wants that she can turn off and on instantly. It actually weirds me out that she never loses any control of herself and she can calmly wait until the best opportunity to act and get what she wants. Most adults arent that in control of their emotions let alone a nearly 8 year old. She also has an extreme lack of genuine attachment to people that freaks me out. The manipulativeness though is the same and I'd say the lying about people to get what she wants also started around 6. She would tell gma she didnf have enough clothes, that we bought my son stuff that she wanted so that someone would buy it for her (things he didnt even actually have), supposedly she had no stuffed animals even though her entire bed and a laundry basket is full of them, etc. Told DH once I didnt feed her supper and I have no idea why. Now whenever we actually buy her something she sticks her nose up at it and has gma or BM buy her a "better" one and refuses to wear or use whatever we got. She gave her teacher a big sob story about how she didnt have any winter clothes at our house when she actually refused to wear them when it was just starting to get cold.
Also the sleeping in bed, she slept with her mom until she moved in with her bf maybe 6 months ago.
My SD is exactly like this.
My SD is exactly like this. She's creepy as eff. BM is a psychopath, and SD got a lot of her habits from the poor role modelling. Maybe it's partly genetic. It's gross. I love DH, but I often feel like running away.
Does she have the "dead
Does she have the "dead behind the eyes" look to her to?
I cant imagine it's not partially genetic. If nothing else having a temperament or personality traits that make you more likely to be influenced by and follow in a personality disordered person footsteps. I mean my kids were both definitely born with personality traits that have stayed consistent and it's not just how I've parented them.
Yes. She's a cyborg. She
Yes. She's a cyborg. She skulks, she stares. She kinda scares me. I stopped all contact with her even though we live in the same house. I'm not shunning her on purpose, I just can't.
According to DH, she loves me and misses me. What? She has no idea who I am. Maybe she's playing the victim for sympathy, maybe she misses the narcissistic supply, maybe she doesn't like the idea that someone might need to avoid her, but "misses" me? No. She has no emotions. All she cares about is getting her material wants met, and toying with people. She's pulled some elaborate schemes, really effed up things, that seemed to come out of nowhere. She has no "tell". She's completely flat. I have no idea what she is capable of. Her mother is responsible for at least two deaths. Opportunistic like bacteria. So weird. I feel gaslit. They are so similar.
She feigns "rage face" to intimidate people. Never shows any joy or interest in anything. She has no personality.
I could go on and on. Thanks for listening, I thought I was the only one.
Interesting similarities. I
Interesting similarities. I've also seen the insane rage face from BM and SD both. Dh knew exactly what I was talking about without me having to hardly describe it. Looks like they are going to kill someone. When I saw SD do it it was around when I first met her and she was about 4. It was because I took my sons picture at his preschool graduation with his hat and certificate. She was so enraged by that that she yanked off his hat and grabbed the certificate and demanded her picture be taken...even though her preschool graduation was a week before that. That really hasn't changed...she still was furious we went to his school play a few days after we had attended hers. My mom got then both matching sweatshirts with their names and she was thrilled until she saw he also had gotten one and it wasnt special and unique to just her. She will attempt to suck up to me once in awhile but DH is under no illusion that she likes me at all and neither am I. Maybe I wasnt good enough supply. Oh well. I feel the same. It would make my life way easier to be able to enjoy her on some level but I just cant.
I'm not a narcissist, but my
I'm not a narcissist, but my mother is. As I became an adult I realised I displayed a lot of narc behaviours. This is really no surprise because these were the behaviours I learned. I had to unlearn them. I had to re-connect to my empathy - a trait which wasn't much valued and I had to do it in a healthy way. It's entirely possible that SD is off behaviourally but it may not be WHO she is just WHAT's she's learned. This doesn't make it any easier, but it's something you can suggest to DH, because as a parent he can help check those behaviours and learned methods of dealing with people. If he's willing.
Possibly. I wonder what makes
Possibly. I wonder what makes kids follow one parents example more than the others.
I will tell you - POWER. In a
I will tell you - POWER. In a dysfunctional family, kids often model after the parent who has more power. If BM is narcissistic, then she has the power in the family.
My SS has totally aligned himself with BM because of watching her get power via manipulation for years.
That makes perfect sense
That makes perfect sense actually. Dh used to cower to both BM and GBM and those are the only 2 people she respects or looks up to in any manner. Everyone else, even teachers, are treated as insignificant pawns. Dh isn't as bad about it anymore but SD has no way of knowing that since all of their communication is via text and she isn't aware of it. Dh also gets way to obviously nervous about parenting SD so that probably plays a factor also. The sad thing is he thinks bowing down to everyone is what is going to make SD like him more and if anything it does the opposite. I've seen the smirk on her face when she manipulates him.
God Speed
I want to be super optimistic and all but really its probably going to come down to a real heart to heart with your man. It is absolutely hard to love a child that is not yours and a child that is nothing but naughty makes it harder.
I understand husband wanting it to be sunshine and rainbows and ignore a problem so it doesnt exist but thats just not how it works.. you are more than likely trying to love SK but its hard. And maybe a talk to be had with your husband on how hard it is on you or what you're stuggling with. Maybe try to approach it a different way like try to bring up a different "Rewards for good behavior" system or a conversation about dicipline boundaries.. there is also forgiveness. Not so much totally forgetting but just talk it over and discuss why it upsets you or what your expectations are and a realist way to reach them?
I sure hope it gets better for you
Thank you. I think he does
Thank you. I think he does actually get it but his way of dealing with things is burying his head in the sand and expecting things to magically get better. Which isn't realistic and I have come to accept that most likely it will only get to be so much better. And it's never going to be the same as a nuclear family which i think is what he wants.
Your husband wants a happy
Your husband wants a happy home. You really can't fault him for that. But.. yeah.. it's hard to love a kid that isn't your own.. especially a living, breathing reminder of his EX wife.. and especially if the kid takes after mom to any degree.
All I can say is that at some point, you need to do what you can do to come to peace with the situation. If you truly do not think you can stand being around this kid for the next 10 plus years.. perhaps it isn't worth staying in a relationship with such a huge negative? Otherwise... while you can work with your husband on his parenting.. and can work with the child on her expected behaviors in the home.. at some point, you may need to figure out a way to peacefully coexist in the home that is ALSO her home.
As the adult.. that probably means more sucking up, work and compromise on your part. I hate to be blunt about it.. and no.. it's not fair.. but if your husband won't or can't improve his daughter's behavior.. and you can't bring yourself to help parent her.. you have to accept that she will be there in her existing form...
And.... it's hard. There are things about her that are going to naturally bother you.. she is an unrelated child.. ALL kids are annoying and ill behaved at times. ALL kids need to learn manners and rules.. All kids will try their parents. All kids will do crappy stuff.. and say crappy things..even if they know better. If you cling to the nugget of resentment because she is your husband's EX's child.. then it may never be possible for you to get past it. You have to try to figure out how to accept that some things are not necessarily the girl's fault.. OR designed to hurt you. She is in many ways probably just being a kid... as aggravating as she may be to you.. it's probably also not easy for her to be in a home with someone who doesn't care for her.. and she probably can tell.
I know this probably doesn't strike you as helpful.. but step parenting isn't for everyone. It can be approached in a wide variety of ways.. it is also quite different for many people due to the mix of situations.. personalities.. etc...
Disengagement works.. but it is not just the absence of "doing" for the kids..it's also the absence of anger and annoyance..etc.. it's really more apathy. Let your DH drone on.. or learn how to change the subject. He may be dense.. or he may get the hint. If he doesn't get the hint.. suddenly realize you need to do something in the other room.. or have to make a quick call if you can't leave like if you are in a car. If he calls you on that behavior.. simply tell him without anger or irritation that "I have just come to the decision that SD is YOUR daughter with your EX.. and when she is in our home.. she is here to see you.. so I am really not involved with her to any extent it just wasn't a productive exercise in the past. You and your EX are her parents.. she doesn't need me for that. I don't think we are getting along better.. maybe more learning how to coexist in the same place without conflict.. if that's progress.. I guess you can call it that".
We do actually exist fairly
We do actually exist fairly peacefully for the most part. Mainly because I dont engage her alot and ignore most of her crap. But no I probably will never love her or honestly especially enjoy her and I wish DH would stop with the trying to make it as though he is still with her mom. Basically I think he wants me to love her so it will be the same as a nuclear family and the way it is with our ours baby. But it's never going to be, even if I get along with her better I'm not going to love her as my own and she absolutely does not accept me as a mother figure in any way. She already has a mom and that's fine. I dont think she would accept anyone else, not just me She wants DH to herself when she is here and that is it. I think he needs to accept that it's on both sides and that neither her or I want a parent child relationship. As far as disengagement the part I'm still struggling with is the absence of annoyance.
More Flashbacks!
After every entitlement training session, errr I mean "visitation" Chef would openly pronounce the peccaries "good" and then expect me to forget the entire lousy weekend.
I think that's the
I think that's the "unconditional" part of unconditional love that is much easier for bio parents. Also it doesnt help that MIL is a raging lunatic and DH grew up used to being treated like crap so he has a much higher tolerance for being a doormat then I do. Sd isn't even nice to him alot of the time and shes not even in the pulling away from parents adolescent stage yet. He actually said shes been off and on like that toward him basically her whole life.
This was my life, except I
This was my life, except I didn't have kids.
I guess parents are hardwired to love their kids no matter what.
Even if they are beyond help, they think you have the ability to forgive their children and not hold "grudges" because the kids are young.
Constantly putting up with bad behaviour only makes you a doormat with an inability to forget.
That's basically it. He
That's basically it. He thinks once the event is over that everyone should move on. I'm not even sure if he actually believes that actually or if he doesnt know what else to do. Honestly I'm not sure what I would do if it were my kid either. Even if she was behaving great though idk if I would actually love her like he wants, I think I would just enjoy being around her more. She still wouldnt be my kid and I still wouldn't be her mom.