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Anyone else's SO still scared of BM?

Jcksjj's picture

Does anyone else have a DH that is still somewhat scared of BM? Alot of times when BM messages me (its ended up being me and her doing most of the communication now since I'm physically with SD more and it's less drama) his first thought alot of time is still being afraid shes going to throw a fit about the response sent. 

I really dont get why he should still care. My ODS dad is the type that will shout to the entire world that I'm a horrible mom on social media and I really dont care anymore and havent for a long time. I think alot of it is hes afraid of SD being manipulated into thinking things by BM, but really if she wanted to do that it would happen either way. What's the point of leaving the ex if you would still allow them control over you?


Chmmy's picture

Yes my DH is still afraid of her and her reactions. We have custody. The kids rarely want to see her. Dont know why he's afraid to confront her.

Monkeysee's picture

Nope. My DH is far more ‘afraid’ of me than he is of BM. I’m much better to him than BM ever was & he knows it. He also knows I’ll be out the door if he ever starts dancing to her tune again.

tog redux's picture

My DH isn't afraid of BM, and never was - but it's pretty hard not to react emotionally when someone is using your kid as a pawn against you. That's the BM's whole point, to keep control over the ex by using the kids. In my DH's case, it's anger, not fear.  But how do you not feel angry when someone has destroyed your kid, destroyed your relationship with your kid, and then dangles the kid in front of you like a carrot? You'd have to have nerves of steel not to be afraid or angry (whatever your MO is), in those situations.

So your ex may talk trash about you, but has he tried to alienate your daughter, and if so, has he had any success? Has it influenced her? I firmly believe that DH and I both have some PTSD from the court battles and alienation. If your DH does too, anxiety is part of that.


Jcksjj's picture

No, to be fair my ex hasn't seen my son in almost 3 years so I know it's not the same in that way. However I absolutely know if he ever does the first card he will play is claiming I wouldnt let him see him. I also get the PTSD thing because he was physically and emotionally abusive and I had to get a domestic violence protection order to leave him.

BM has never actually attempted to alienate SD from DH which is why I dont get the level of fear he has. She actually is dead set on 50/50 and was planning on giving him 100 percent custody at one point so she could move in with her boyfriend 4 hours away. She will say things directly to DH to guilt trip him to get her way but as far as we are aware she doesnt to SD. SD has always preferred her mom though and been closer to her so that could be part of it.

tog redux's picture

Well, that’s different, I suppose, unless she made those threats when they were married. 

Jcksjj's picture

They weren't married BUT yes when they lived together she absolutley did guilt trip him all the time and really twisted anything she wanted into it somehow being about SD. Alot of it was just so obviously unreasonable though that I dont get how you could take it seriously. I understand that living with an abusive person distorts you're thinking and makes you feel like you are at fault because I lived it, but again it's been years and he hardly has any contact with her at this point. It's mostly me talking to her and she wont argue or try manipulate me like she did to him. She tried it a couple times and gave up when I didnt play into it and give her the reaction she wanted. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Mine was for a long time. He tip toed around her, it was so irritating. He finally found his balls again after we got together. It took a long time though and he felt very powerless as a father. Since the PAS really ramped up we found he is powerless. It sucks but at least he doesn't take so much of her crap anymore. 

Jcksjj's picture

Sometimes it seems like he is finding his balls and then something will come up and it's back to square one. There hasn't been any PAS in his case though so I dont really get it. SD prefers being at her moms but shes not alienated. I actually cant relate to most of the BM stories on this site at all because BM is totally different than most of them. Shes actually more like the deadbeat dad stereotype that still wants to put on a public persona of being an amazing parent but they dont actually want to parent and definitely dont want to be custodial parent. So I find it weird that DH still acts exactly like alot of the SOs on here when hes had a very different experience.

Cover1W's picture

My DH isn't afraid of BM, but he's constantly trying to appeal to her "reasonable" side.  Like she cares anything about him, his relationship with the SDs, or his schedule, or anything.  There's no reasoning with her.  I constantly tell him why bother, it's yes/no or ignore.

lieutenant_dad's picture

My DH isn't afraid of her. He just doesn't want to deal with her BS, and he has a lot of guilt surrounding the life she provides to his kids in spite of his efforts.

My DH will bleed himself dry trying to assuage his guilt, and he'll let BM get away with things I think she needs to be called out on because it won't do any good (and he's mostly right). He is to the point where he just wants to survive until both kids are 18 and then he can deal with them directly.

It doesn't matter why our SOs do the stupid things they do. If it hurts us, we need to speak up and demand change. Our SOs SHOULD be afraid of losing us because so long as we are putting in our 100%, the only reason the marriage will fail is because they didn't put in their 100%.

elkclan's picture

Yep, my SO is. And to be fair, I still have a similar reaction to my ex. I had PTSD from that relationship pretty bad. 


Glassslipper's picture

Yep! DH is scared shitless ofBM and now SD13 too, wouldn't dare speak up to either of them or not let them tell him they are doing what they are doing when they say so PERIOD.
I looked for his balls...found them right where I expected to find them: in BMs purse. They have always been there and always will be.

blayze's picture

Before he got full custody, exSO was afraid of 

- BM calling him a “bad father”

She only said it if he didn’t do what she wanted. As if SHE had any authority judge his parenting. 

- BM taking the kids away

She did that a couple times by moving across the country twice. 


What I thought was “fear” was actually his desire to be comfortable. That meant doing whatever the ex (or kids) wanted/said. THAT was infuriating. I quickly learned that to get through to him I had to act crazier than they were... which is out of character for me as I’m more chill. It wasn’t til I left that he realized that “comfort” means keeping a good woman in his house who helped to make his life better. Some men are slow, and with that ignorance and laziness comes being left!