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Are all men completely self centered?

JBDmom's picture

Submitted by JBDmom on Wed, 06/26/2019 - 6:15pm

I just am at a loss right now. It wasn’t even a huge deal until the way he responded to me. I’m a SAHM with 2 children SD4 and DD1 on top of being about to pop with our son. I spent this past weekend out of town to see my sister with out the kids for the first time in months. My SO has decided that since I got one weekend to myself he now can rub it in my face and use it to justify not being home after work except for maybe and hour or two. Not only do I not get to really see him our girls don’t get to spend anytime with him at all. I tried to bring it up trying to explain that he’s been gone everyday this week and to try and be joke a little more. Instead of talking to me about it he tells me I’m always complaining about something and that nothing is ever good enough for me. He leaves like 5 minutes later not giving me a time that he’s planning on being back. It’s so disrespectful and getting under my skin. I want him to spend time with his family and I don’t even push him to be here all the time. I know he works hard and I know he has friends. I don’t want to take away his friends and his life I just wish me and our kids were more of a priority when it comes to his time. He makes me feel like being home is a huge burden and that doesn’t seem like a fair way to treat your family.

Comments

susanm's picture

Submitted by susanm on Wed, 06/26/2019 - 6:40pm

Getting to run away from home is only a thrill if you are missed and someone is looking for you.  It sounds like he is feeling some kind of way about the added responsibility of a third child and is acting out.  Telling him that he should want to be with you and the kids is just going to make him feel even more like a rebellious teenager.  Just go about your life and let him wonder what is going on.  Not in a mean or spiteful way but a genuine "I thought you would be busy and uninterested so I didn't mention it - sorry babe - gotta go."  If that doesn't get him to stop seeing you as "mommy keeping him home" and snap him out of the funk in a couple of weeks, then you will have every reason in the world to tie him to a chair for a serious talk about what it means to be a grown-up with children and whether he can man-up or not.

JBDmom's picture

Submitted by JBDmom on Wed, 06/26/2019 - 7:05pm

This has been going on for almost our entire relationship. I’ve had talks to him about needing to grow up but he’s really good at making me feel stupid when we argue. His aunt has even talked to him about it but he doesn’t see a problem with it. I thought it would be better since we moved about 30 minutes from his friends house but I guess old habits die hard. They’re literally obsessed with each other *dash1* Dash 1 Dash 1

susanm's picture

Submitted by susanm on Wed, 06/26/2019 - 7:12pm

That is entirely different then.  You have some serious choices to make.  He is not the husband you want him to be but he gives you the life you want - SAHM.  Absent a near-death experience that changes him as a person, he is who he is.  You can leave him and find a more satisfying personal life but that means getting a job.  Even if he pays a decent amount of support, it is not going to be enough to continue as a SAHM.  Many on the board have strong views on what a woman should do in your position - on both sides.  But you are the person who has to live the life.  The only person whose opinion matters is yours.  Good luck in making up your mind on what you want to do after the baby is born.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Wed, 06/26/2019 - 8:10pm

You have no career and had one child... now having another.  He has been like this your whole relationship... I know it must be frustrating but it cant be unexpected.   You are in a tough spot.  My advice is to go to work. Asap. So you van be prepared to support your own self and kids.

marblefawn's picture

Submitted by marblefawn on Thu, 06/27/2019 - 10:51am

What the hell attracted you to him?

Some guy obsessed with another guy does not sound very sexy to me.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Submitted by notsurehowtodeal on Wed, 06/26/2019 - 7:26pm

No, not all men are self centered. Good men and good fathers care about their partners and children. They come home after work and spend time with their families. What does your DH do instead of coming home to you and his children?

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Wed, 06/26/2019 - 8:13pm

Mine is not self-centered. I think you have to own your choice to stay with this one and have more children with him, rather than blame all men. 

Monkeysee's picture

Submitted by Monkeysee on Thu, 06/27/2019 - 3:26am

Nope, they're not all like this.  Yours clearly thinks he pays the bills so he can do what he wants when he wants. Aniki might be onto something too..

Siemprematahari's picture

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Thu, 06/27/2019 - 9:49am

No, not all men are self centered. I will vouch for my H every day, all day. Your SO seems to feel that having children doesn't require much of his time because you're there to do it. What he needs to understand is that he's not 16 anymore with the whole needing to hang out with his friend on a regular basis. That flies out the window when you have more important responsibilities like a family. All that time he's with his "friend" he can be spending with his children. You are also pregnant so I'm sure helping you would be appreciated.

He seems to be inconsiderate and may think because he's the main bread winner that he gets a pass to do what he wants.......You need to shut that down, especially now that you're having a 2nd child with this immature man.

 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Thu, 06/27/2019 - 10:26am

Nope. Not my DH and not my Dad (who is the most selfless man I know.) I actually know a fair number of men who are NOT self-centered.

Who you're with... DEFINITELY a self-centered man-baby.

caligirl510's picture

Submitted by caligirl510 on Thu, 06/27/2019 - 12:19pm

my ex he never changed, and I feel that a man who loves his wife and family makes them their priority, family comes first, there should be time with the family, time with just you and your spouse and time with friends but equally divided, I left my ex because I couldn't live like that he was always with his friends 

marblefawn's picture

Submitted by marblefawn on Thu, 06/27/2019 - 2:23pm

Ugh, I had the worst thought when I read this...

He sounds like the kind of guy who's a shit father to the first set of kids and ends up divorced in no small part because he's a shit husband and father. After that, he phones in parenting those kids while he gets in Round 2 or 3 of sowing his oats as a swinging divorcee.

Then he gets married again, maybe even divorced and married a third time, and suddenly he becomes Father of the Year to the kids he has with his second or third wife when he's like 50-something -- you know, he's the perfect older father to these adorable little kids...meanwhile, his older kids see what kind of father he is now and are like, who the hell is THAT guy? And of course, he's all family man to his young third wife because, ya know, he doesn't have all that testosterone coursing through him...and all those losers he hung out with in his 20s or 30s (when he should have been at home with his first wife and kids) are all fat, bald and divorced themselves, so none of them are hanging out quite the way they used to...

If you can't fix this or fix him, don't linger too long. If you walk away from him, you'll be in better shape than if you give him time to leave first. Don't let him spend all your confidence and best years.