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JBDmom's picture

My fiance keeps bringing up how unaffectionate I am with SD. I grew up in an unaffectionate household. I'm not saying its a good thing but it's why I get uncomfortable with any amount of unwanted or lingering touching. SD is needy like has to be touching you constantly needy and i cant stand it. I hold my babies and let them crawl all over me but I also have many moments through out the day that I can't stand them being on top of me. I definitely feel like a shitty mom when he talks to me about it but also I feel like it's not my fault her mom isnt in her life. I literally do everything for all of my kids and the touching is one of the only things I can't provide. My fiance told me tonight that I'm an adult so I should be doing it even if it makes me uncomfortable because she's a kid. I want to be the best mom i can be to all of them i really do. I'm not sure though if I can provide that sort of thing the way they expect me to. They want me to lay with her and let her sit in my lap but to me 6 is a little bit ridiculous to be sitting all over your parents. I dont know man maybe it's because shes my step daughter. I really feel like in my heart though that it's not that i dont love her enough it was the way I was raised. I love my step daughter so much even though she gets on my last nerve but i feel like that's never gonna be enough.


Rumplestiltskin's picture

I wonder would your fiance feel the same way if you were trying to force him to be physically affectionate with, say, a 6-year-old son you had with another man. To me, forced physical affection is a big "hell no!", by anyone, to anyone. Do NOT let him gaslight you into thinking you are doing something wrong.

Are you treating her with kindness, fairness and respect? If so, you are doing your stepmotherly duty. If you are responsible for her care, such as if you are a SAHM and that is your arrangement, are you meeting her daily needs?

From your previous blogs, you are dealing with behavior problems with her also. Your fiance is delusional if he thinks you are going to want to constantly be cuddling her. But all the kids in the home are his, and why would he try to see that maybe, for you, things are different than they are with him? SMH. 

JBDmom's picture

See that's how ive always looked at things. You cant force that kind of thing on someone. And yes as a SAHM I make sure all my kids are taken care of and even set apart time as often as possible to do things with them such as watching movies or crafts. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

It sounds like you are doing all you can, then. My dad told me once, never force my kids to give someone a hug or a kiss. It teaches them that physical affection is something they owe people, and sets them up to possibly be taken advantage of (molested!) later in life. That, to me, goes both ways. Nobody owes them physical affection, either.  

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Instead of complaining about your lack of physical affection, maybe your SO should spend time actually parenting his daughter. Is he still giving her Tylenol every night? Has he started her in the therapy that she so desperately needs? Has she hurt your daughter anymore?

Do not let this man make you think that you are doing anything wrong. You are not. You do not need to let a 6 year old be on top of you all the time. It is great you want to be a good mom, but that does not mean you need to let others violate your physical boundaries. What is your SO doing to be the best Dad that he can be?

JBDmom's picture

The Tylenol has stopped finally after many fights over it thank God. She has not hurt my littles again after we talked abput proper ways to deal with her anger. He wont even consider therapy unfortunately but we have had a few discussions about having her doctor evaluate her for ADHD. We're moving forward very slowly in my most places but at least we're moving. He has been spending more time actually enjoying the kids lately and im really hoping it lasts. I just wish he could stop trying to push me to be his perfect version of a mom becauae I definitely don't push that on him.

Kes's picture

Your fiance is wrong in asking you to give SD physical affection when you don't want to.  We are able to easily sense if someone is hugging us and doesn't want to be - and she will know you don't really want to - this will worsen not improve things between you.   Far better to have a good talking relationship and leave the cuddling to her father.  Also - your feelings matter as well as your SD's - your fiance should accept this.  Asking you to override your feelings is not acceptable. Do you really want to marry this man who makes you feel like a "shitty mom"? 

hereiam's picture

So, is that what he is teaching his daughter, that physical affection should be given to whoever wants it, even if it makes her uncomfortable?

Your SO sounds like a terrible father.

Winterglow's picture

Not to mention that with that kind of upbringing, she'd be an easy target for anyone seeking to groom her ...

Dogmom1321's picture

Ask him if he's going to be encouraging BMs boyfriend to "be affectionate" with his 6 year old girl. Yep, didn't think so. Shouldn't be a double standard if someone is uncomfortable.