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Venting again

JBDmom's picture

If you are reading this and feel the urge to tell me how shitty of a mom I am or that I’m not suited to be a SAHM please just don’t read this because I’m so tired of it. I’m not a perfect person and I have my flaws I am venting because I’m frustrated. I am in general a very level headed and understanding person. That being said the same occurrence has happened during both of my pregnancies where I can’t seem to keep my calm and patient personality, and instead become irritated and irrational. I know logically my SD isn’t acting out to get under my skin or make me mad. She’s gotten to the point that it feels almost intentional to make me mad though. With the lying, the disrespectful attitude, hurting her sister, yelling, throwing tantrums, the entitlement like I can’t get a break from any of it. It seems that lately the only way to keep my sanity is to just ignore the problems until they escalate to the point the have to be dealt with. Like when she literally yells in my face when she doesn’t get her way or pushes her sister down for the third time in a row. Even with not getting on to her for the first few times she still seems to stay in trouble. I have recently been trying more positive reinforcement because I hate seeing her stay in trouble, but even rewarding her when she’s good hasn’t helped with her at all. I want nothing more than to stay home and raise my kids because I enjoy it so much and I am usually very good at it. 

Comments

Gimlet's picture

JBD, I mean this all gently because I don't believe in kicking people while they are down.

It sounds like you would love to stay home with your kids and are trying your best to care for your SD as well.  I have no trouble with people being a stay at home parent, especially if they enjoy it and it's best for the family.  In this case, however, I don't think it matters how much you love it or how well you perform in the role. 

You are being set up to fail by your SO.  He is not supportive of you or the effort you are putting forth.   He is going to continue to ignore your requests for help with your SD and he is going to continue to ignore your mutual child(ren).   This arrangement can work well, but I believe it takes two parties who are invested in it to make that happen.  Your SO is not invested in anything that doesn't suit or benefit him.

I understand that you want to stay home, but your reality might be that it's better for you to get back into the workforce and make a home for yourself and your children that is full of love and hope instead of the frustration and sadness you're feeling now.   I know how it feels to choose an unsuitable parent for your child/children, but you cannot change him.  All you can do is what is best for you and your kids going forward and it does not sound like he is on the same page.

Best of luck, JBD.

JBDmom's picture

I’be been telling myself for years now that things will get better and they have a little, but I’m afraid you might be right. Unfortunately at this time I have no way to start working until my SO can get our car fixed. I do though once it is plan on working weekends at least to try and save up some money. Maybe to eventually leave him or to move into my own place. I’ve always struggled with respecting myself enough to care how I’m treated but to constantly see my daughter put on the back burner at such a young age I fear I need to get away from this relationship. 

Gimlet's picture

((hugs))

So you are starting to accept this and it's going to take you some time to get to a place where you are ready to take the next step.  I know how hard it can be to start over.  I also know how it feels to dislike yourself and to accept the kind of love you think you deserve.  You realize that your daughter being put on the back burner isn't the best for her and that when she's older she will look to you for an example of what love looks like and how she should be in the world.  That is what spurred me into getting help and learning to love myself more. 

Make your plan. Practice loving yourself.  You have value as a human being, not just as partner or a mom.   Get that weekend job and start saving once you can.  Find a support network if you don't have one.  Vent if you need to vent and keep moving toward your goals, even if it's just a little at a time.   

I promise you, the more you can find love for yourself the more clear your path will become.   

bananaseedo's picture

Yep a divorced, blended family situations or single parents is so much better then being 'on the back burner' in an intact home- here come the pro every family divorce squad.  

Gimlet's picture

Hey Banana,

Hope you're well! 

I am all for going to counseling and trying to work it out.  What do you suggest for situations like this one where the other partner gets upset when asked for help and doesn't come home to punish his partner?   OP is miserable and she can't change him or make him want to be an engaged and supportive father.  None of her blogs indicate a partner willing to meet her halfway, but I could be wrong.

Maybe I am pro-divorce as you say, because I know I am certainly not pro-misery in an intact family.  I do not for one second regret being a single parent and modeling independence and self-love for my daughter, instead of living with a man who refused to change and called me "fat" when I weighed 120 pounds, tried to control every penny I spent when I was working, and said that college was wasted on women. 

But, it's quite possible that I'm biased because of my own experience.  I'd like to hear your thoughts and where you disagree, and I mean that sincerely.

 

 

bananaseedo's picture

I think matters of abuse are completely different.  I think she needs to give it time, and counseling or herself and then with her partner.  Sometimes even involving your village can help- a FIL, BIL, older or same age man that can help model/teach him HOW to be a better hubsand/father to his child.  In addition, time can be on your side.  Sometimes marriages WILL be miserable and unhappy but can and do so many times turn themselves around when people stick to their commitments.  I'd have to read more of her story to have a better opinion I admit.  

Gimlet's picture

Thanks Banana!

You are right, there are some details missing.  I think your perspective is valuable and important for OP to hear.  I'm learning all the time too.

Some couples can work it out if they are both committed to it, and there are different ways of doing so.

 

Gimlet's picture

Dup