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“Motherly connection”

JBDmom's picture

I’m not much of a cuddler. My babies sure they’re babies they actually need to be held. A 5 year old though? Not so much. I’m just really so uncomfortable with it. My SO regardless of everything I do still tells me I’m not good enough because I won’t cuddle with SD. I hug her and that’s about as much as I can do with out being weirded out. I feel like I’m being held to standards he doesn’t hold her BM to. I take care of this little girl, I’m here for her when she needs me, I do everything I can to make sure she’s taken care of. Her own mother walked out on her, used drugs in front of her, locked her in a bedroom so she could party all night. I love SD. As annoying as she is and as tired as I am of being the only active parent I love her and all I want is what’s best for her. I just don’t know how to get it through S Os thick skull that you don’t have to cuddle and hold and be all over each other to show your kids you love them. That’s not what a  “motherly connection” is. If anyone knows of any articles or helpful links that I can have him read so he doesn’t think it’s just me I would really appreciate it. 

Comments

tog redux's picture

You've made clear that you are not leaving your SO. But none of these complaints about him are going to change - he feels he has the right to tell you how to behave and how to parent his daughter, because he supports you financially and because he's just overall controlling that way. 

All you can do is set your boundaries. You can't do forced cuddling. So tell him to back off, or just nod your head and then do whatever you want. 

Harry's picture

She has one.  Most likely it will never happen.  Your SO is out of his mind,  thinking he can recreate, ( happy family) that was not there the first time. 

susanm's picture

Sorry - I don't have any articles or anything but does he not get that different people show love in different ways?  And I am sure you have a division of duties in your house.  Someone does the laundry, someone maintains the cars, someone pays the bills, someone takes the pets to the vet and so on.  Maybe child-cuddling is not exactly a "chore" but if he believes it is a necessary thing to do and you are not comfortable with it then it is something he can step up and do.  It is his kid after all!

But if he is making these statements more along the lines of a character defect of yours, rather than a practical statement of something that he feels the child needs, then you have major pushback to do.  Not only is there the fact that not everyone is touchy-feely cuddly, there is the glaring fact that this is NOT your kid.  And anyone who is too touchy with another person's kid is potentially putting themselves in a position where they could be the recipient of some nasty accusations.  Not only is a complaint like his insulting, it is also rather naive.

It sounds like a very frank and open discussion is required here with the bottom line being that you are going to behave in the way that you find appropriate and if he does not like it then he can find someone else to play substitute mommy.

JBDmom's picture

He has told me it’s something she needs to have as if he doesn’t hold her enough himself. I’ve explained to him many times that I wasn’t raised in a touchy family. I’m weirded out by excessive touching. He told me this morning while arguing with me that I need to just suck it up. That my “excuse” is trash and that it’s not about me it’s about SD. He absolutely refuses to understand that people all show affection in different ways. 

tog redux's picture

Does it ever occur to him that you forcing yourself to cuddle with her because he says so could be WORSE for her than you behaving how you would naturally? 

SD in therapy in 30 years: "My stepmother used to pretend she loved me and cuddled with me, but it was awkward because I knew she didn't really want to". 

susanm's picture

So people must hold the same opinions and beliefs as him and live as he sees is the proper way.  Charming.  I can't imagine living with someone telling me that I need to change a fundamental characteristic of my personality.   Does he allow others to salt their food to taste or does he want to control that as well?

Aniki's picture

That jerkwad has a lot of nerve to criticize you. He can't be bothered to care for his oldest child, yet thinks he knows best?? He needs to suck it up, take time off of work, and take HIS daughter to the bloody dentist. He's not even a man. He's a miserable POS who LOOKS like a man, but is verbally abusive, neglectful of his child, and is in serious need of removing his head from his backside.

futurobrillante99's picture

JBDmom - the place you REALLY need to arrive at is being true to yourself and not CARING what your SO thinks. Yes, we want our partners to be proud of us and approve of us, but this guy is CONTROLLING and MANIPULATING you.

He's pushing you to worship at the altar of a child he doesn't provide basic dental care for. There is a disconnect in his philosophy of caring.

I would snap back to him and say, I have two children that came from my body and I will provide them with affection. SD is your blood relative and the day you take care of her basic health needs is the day I will consider your expectations that I cuddle her. Until then, it's YOUR job to cuddle her and take care of her teeth.

Kiwi_koala's picture

THIS

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Hun, the sooner you accept that you married a low class ignoramous, the sooner his words will lose any ability to affect you.

He has an agenda, which is to get YOU to shoulder his parental responsibilities. And he's willing to use guilt and insults to manipulate you into picking up HIS slack. Flip the script on him and ask him what sort of daddee lets his child's oral health get so bad. Flip, flip, flip and present him with cold hard facts.