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SD hurt my baby

JBDmom's picture

My absolute worst nightmare became a reality this evening. SD smashed my 11 mo finger in the door so badly I thought I was broken. His finger was so squished it looked mishapen until it started swelling. We’re very lucky it isn’t broken. His finger getting smashed though is not the nightmare I’m referring to unfortunately. No. My nightmare is SD purposely hurting one of my kids. I know what everyone is gonna say. How can I be so sure she did this on purpose? She told me she did. I was trying to find out the time frame of when she was aware that she’d hurt him because did she tell me he was hurt? No she didn’t. I wanted to believe it was an accident and that she didn’t tell me because she was afraid of getting in trouble. Of course I understand why she wouldn’t want to tell me, but for her to have known his finger was there and close the door and hold it on it while he’s screaming bloody murder is crossing a line. I should have been there immediately. I’m so disappointed and upset with myself for being distracted and brushing off the crying for a minute. I absolutely hate that I wasn’t right there for him. What really gets me is the reaction I got from my fiancé. Not only does he think me grounding her through tomorrow was too harsh he actually told me he thinks she “just said she did it on purpose”  because he doesn’t believe she’s capable of something like that. This is the same girl who not even a week ago hit my son her baby brother because he pulled her hair so hard he cried. I don’t know how to feel besides upset and now scared for my kids. 

Comments

SeeYouNever's picture

I would not allow her in my home anymore. And never let your son out of sight when she is around again.

I would seriously banish my SD if she did something like that.

JBDmom's picture

SD lives with us full time. Her BM is not in the picture at all. The only thing I can do is never let the kids out of my sight again. I’m not sure I could ever trust her again. 

SMto2's picture

That is scary. I would never leave my child alone with her again. It sounds like the girl needs counseling to talk through her jealousy or anger issues or whatever. The catch 22 you're in is that if you do leave DH, unless you can convince a court the SD is a danger to your DS and should be carefully supervised around him (& it sounds like you'd have resistance from your DH on that), then your DS would have visitation with DH and SD present without you there to protect him.

JBDmom's picture

I’ve tried to talk DH into finding counseling for her multiple times but he doesn’t want to believe she needs it. I don’t want to leave him either. He is such an amazing dad he is just blinded by feeling bad for SDs mom abandoning her. He will never believe she is in the wrong.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Your description of him doesn't describe an amazing dad. Not believing you, allowing his guilt about BM to cloud his judgement, and not protecting the little ones are pretty crappy. He may be a "nice" dad, but he is falling down on the job and failing you and your babies. 

JBDmom's picture

I know he won’t and doesn’t come off well in my posts because I’m venting. He loves his kids and is happy to see them everyday when he walks into work. His major flaw will always be feeling like he owes SD something because her mom left. It is a problem that he is slowly starting to realize. Painfully slow but it is something I’ve come to terms with for the most part and something I’m actively trying to help him with.

The_Upgrade's picture

No one is disputing how much your DH loves his kids or how happy he is to be with them. But the amount of love he has for each of them doesn't define how good a parent he is. Part of being a good parent is being able to accept harsh truths about your kids and make the tough decisions in their best interest. It's not in SD's best interest to leave her obvious issues unaddressed. It's not in your baby's best interest to leave him with someone who may disfigure him and think it's no big deal. 

Gimlet's picture

He is such an amazing dad he is just blinded by feeling bad for SDs mom abandoning her.

No.  He's not an amazing dad.  He's not an amazing partner.  He is not an amazing anything.

This is the man who neglected his daughter's teeth for so long they started rotting out of her head.

This is the man who "cuddles" his daughter while they are both in just underwear.

This is the man who tries to gaslight you into thinking there is something wrong with you because you don't want to take over everything for his kid and love her "as your own" while he sits on his ass and neglects her and now is neglecting and failing his other kids.

I don't mean to sound mean or harsh, I know you're upset and vulnerable, but you cannot allow him to get in your head and think any of this is acceptable and he's just some nice guy who got screwed over by BM but is trying so hard.  He's a neglectful and ignorant man and your kids need to be protected from both him and your screwed up SD.  He's never going to step up to the plate for any of his kids.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You need to have a "come to Jesus" conversation with your SO. He either gets on board and gets SD into counseling, or you are going to take your baby and leave. Be prepared to leave to get the message across. This would be hard enough to deal with even if you had his support - but he since he doesn't believe SD actually hurt your son on purpose - you are in an impossible situation. This is at least the second time she has purposely hurt your son.

Your SO is not an amazing Dad. An amazing Dad does not give his child Tylenol every day and an amazing Dad does not prevent his daughter from getting the therapy that she so obviously needs.

Kes's picture

Having to watch your baby 24/7 because you are scared of your SD seriously hurting him is no way to live.   Your DH is certainly not "amazing" - he is living in deep denial about what his daughter is capable of.  This is not doing her any favours - she needs help to deal with her violent impulses.  If he is not willing to drop his refusal to see this, then I would take the baby and leave. 

thinkthrice's picture

in the sense that he doesn't see his kid from the holy failed first family as a budding Jeffrina Dahmer.

To be abrupt, you're letting your "love" for this guy cloud your maternal protective instincts for your own child.

What will Daaaddeeeee say when his spawn shoves your baby down the stairs, trips him, tries to suffocate him, etc?

Even with nanny cam evidence?  Let me guess "she wouldn't do thaaaat."  

SteppedOut's picture

My formerSO's kid hurt and attempted to hurt my baby. I left to protect him.

FormerSO was the same, he "couldn't" believe his son hurt/tried to him on purpose and would come up with rediculous excuses. Like the MULTIPLE times I found broken glass all over baby's play areas....Oooooh the ceiling fan was on too high and the vibration probably caused the light fixture to chip. What?! Never mind it happened multiple times and it was WAY more glass than would come from the entire fixture completely broken. Oh and the remnants of a broken drinking glass in kid's room. His kid was 13, not sure how old your husband's kid is.

I know first hand how completey exhausting it is trying to keep an eagle eye watch. Even when my baby was sleeping, I had to stay in the room or keep a constant watch on the baby monitor. His kid SNUCK in baby's room several time and I would have to rush in.... When asked why..."he didnt know" or wouldn't say anything and just walk away. I had to take my baby to the bathroom with me; I couldn't leave for even short periods or suddenly baby would be crying with him standing there. 

Lay the law down. Force that kid into therapy or leave with your baby. It will NOT get better on it's own...it WILL get worse. 

 

tog redux's picture

OP, your DH is in denial about SD and you are in denial about DH.  He is not amazing at all if he's not protecting his son and not getting the help for his daughter that she needs. At some point, she could cause irreversible harm to your child (he could have lost his finger from being slammed in the door).  She needs a therapist to help her deal with the loss of her mother and how that's affecting her.

It's clear you don't want to leave - but I'd demand marriage counseling at the very least, so you can get on the same page about protecting your son and helping SD.

Aunt Agatha's picture

In addition to counseling for SD, what about seeing a counselor yourself?  It's not normal to allow your SO to gaslight you about his SD to the point your own child is getting hurt.  He is NOT an amazing man.  He is a terrible parent regardless of what you feel is love for his offspring (hint - love doesn't allow some of his kids to hurt others without dealing with what are clearly severe problems this girl is having!)

I'm very concerned you have alllowed this man to cloud your vision.  His child is a danger and he is too much of a mushy headed jerk to deal with it.

ESMOD's picture

Is this a very young child here?  I tried to go back and skim your blogs and the only thing I saw was your bio mentioning 3yo.. but not sure if that is her age now.. or years ago.  

If the child is super young, like 5-6 or below.. in a way, I am not sure I would put 100% stock in her doing things on purpose.  kindof akin to a kid saying "I'm glad you are hurt" when they, themselves are feeling hurt.. even if they didn't do something intentional.  Then there is the issue of she could be very jealous of the baby and acting out.  I mean, kids will hit out at each other.. I know, for a fact, both my brother and myself have literal scars from each other from mishaps and tussles growing up.

I am definitely not trying to say that a child hurting another child is "ok".. but it is not abnormal and it happens quite often even when there isn't any Stepland involved.  So, maybe trying to put it into a little more perspective there. 

What does sound like something that needs to happen is that there needs to be more supervision of the children until the little one is able to "hold their own" with their older sibling.  Of course SD should get a consequence for hurting her sibling.. even if it may have been unintentional... even if it is only for the fact that one of the kids was hurt and she knew and didn't get an adult.  A "one day" grounding doesn't seem too extreme.

Your husband needs to understand that discipline is not picking on a child.. it's teaching them right from wrong.  If the child is older.. than 8 then this is super troubling as a child should start to develop a higher level of executive function and be able to control impulses and deal with losses without lashing out.

But.. things like a kid hitting out when another child pulls their hair.. that is kind of instinctive when they are very small...but given the history, certainly the adults need to be a bit more vigalent since the younger child isn't able to take care of it's own interests quite yet.

 

tog redux's picture

Slamming a baby's finger in a door intentionally and HOLDING IT CLOSED is not in any way normal childhood aggression. Hitting someone because they took your toy, biting can be "normal" for a while - but what SD did is not normal at all.  It appears that it was a cold-blooded act - either she saw his finger in there and took the opportunity, or she told him to stick his finger in there - but it didn't happen because she was angry that he did something to her, which is when most childhood aggression happens.

This is an enormous red flag, and the OP is right to be concerned.

ESMOD's picture

Since she wasn't there.. I don't know that we know for sure that the child really intentionally did it and held the door closed.  

This is what she surmises.. maybe even what the young child relayed to her.. but that may not be what actually happened.. kids say and do some really odd things when they are stressed.. and I think the older child is stressed by multiple things. 

I agree it's troublling if that is exactly what happened.. but I'm not so sure it may have been accidental but when the older child was getting in trouble for it they said the equivalent of "I'm glad baby hurt"... when they are frustrated and may not have purposefully caused the issue at all.

What is clear is that OP and her DH (though most likey OP) will have to supervise more closely... there is no other option.

tog redux's picture

I know you like to walk the middle path, but IMO, this is a significant event.

From her past blogs, SD is at least 5, so "I'm glad baby hurt" is more like, "I wanted to hurt my brother and I took the chance to do it."  5-year-olds are fairly civilized and know they shouldn't hit or bite other kids. Most of them go to school where they know they get in trouble for that stuff.

And even if it WAS an accident, her being happy he was hurt is also a red flag.  Kids have empathy. This one doesn't seem to.

ESMOD's picture

I was hoping for more clarity on age because it is definitely different when a 3 yo does something like that and an older child.. 5 is still pretty young but definitely old enough to know better to a great extent.  It would be much worse if it were a 10 yo though.  It seems pretty clear that the child is having some issues with their situation.. feeling displaced etc.. The worse sign is that her husband is so reluctant to try to protect the baby... sure kids get hurt but that doesn't mean that the kids don't need to be disciplined and taught right from wrong.

beebeel's picture

I agree. This girl is closer to 6 than 5. My 4 year old says sorry to the dogs when he accidentally bumps into them. There is something very serious going on with that little kid, and dad is full of excuses. I don't think this should be justified by age, or any other horseshit excuse.

justmakingthebest's picture

There is nothing I can add that hasn't already been said.

Your H is not an amazing dad- if he was he would be seeking help for his daughter and protecting his baby.

Your H is not an amazing husband- if he was he would make sure that you weren't alone in this.

OP- I hope you listen to what is being said here. As hard and as scary as this all is you have a couple of choices and they will all be hard.

1- Leave. Plain and simple, keep your baby safe- demand only supervised visits until SD has completed counseling and it is determined that she is safe to be around the baby.

2- Get her in counseling whether or no your H agrees. Draw a line in the sand and say it is counseling or me. Be prepared for him to say goodbye. He can't believe that something is wrong with her- that is a MAJOR ego red flag btw.

3- Live on pins and needles for the rest of your life in constant fear that your SD could do real and permanent harm to your baby. 

 

futurobrillante99's picture

A good mom says to herself, "I pity the fool man who doesn't protect my children, whether they are his or not, and allows anyone to hurt them. No man will be more important than the safety of my children."

I left my first husband, father of our 3 children, after he told our Autistic son that he hates Autistic people. He'd done plenty before that for me to leave him, but he lashed out at our special needs child one too many times. You don't mess with my kids - ever.

I hope you'll see a therapist to figure out how to restore your momma bear instinct.

Livingoutloud's picture

I am sorry to hear all this. Your poor child. He most certainly is not an amazing dad. You can love your children and still be a horrible parent. Same how a man could love his wife yet still be a bad husband. Love isn't enough in both cases. He either gets his kid into counseling and make her behave or you need to be gone. If you have any family go stay with them until things improve 

Thumper's picture

Oppss. another question. Are you and your boyfriend legally married yet? You referred to him as Significant other (SO) in a Feb 2020 post

JBDmom's picture

I did not take him to the hospital only because not even an hour later he was moving it around and using it normally again. We are engaged currently going on 3 years.

JBDmom's picture

I did not take him to the hospital only because not even an hour later he was moving it around and using it normally again. We are engaged currently going on 3 years.

susanm's picture

You have gotten excellent advice here.  A man who protects one child at the expense of the other - particularly the older versus a helpless infant - is not an "amazing father."  Failing to teach this girl right from wrong is a shocking abdication of parental responsibility.  You are not married yet and have some serious thinking to do.

advice.only2's picture

I get it you are living in an abusive relationship so it's hard to see the forest through the trees, but this man is abusive. Somebody posted on here yesterday a link to a post about miniwives and the destruction it has on relationships. Read that post! Then take a good hard look at what your life is going to be like for the next 10-15-20 years from now.

ETA the link
https://www.steptalk.org/blog/nothanks/daddydaughter-enmeshment-263100

bearcub25's picture

Your DH will belive it when the school or cops call bc she has hurt someone intentionally in school.  She could end up taken and put in a group home and your baby taken bc you can not keep him safe 24/7.

It will not get better, only worse.

Aniki's picture

I am so angry at your denial to see this "man" for what he is. 

You have a duty to protect your helpless baby.  Even if it means leaving Mr. VERY-Far-From-Amazing. 

advice.only2's picture

Leave it to Aniki to cut through all the bullkaka straight to the heart of it. 

Livingoutloud's picture

I've read your previous blogs. Your BF is horrible often times abusive partner, he treats you bad. You already have two kids with him but are not married to him. Now it escalated to your child being abused. Why are you with this  man?? What is it going to take for you to see things clearly? Are you going to continue having kids with him?You and definitely innocent kids deserve better. 

Maxwell09's picture

I've had this happen before except it was a head injury and SS was only 6 at the time. I even posted it here for advice and it was a lot like what you got-leave him, never let them be alone together, never let her come over, blah blah blah....

some of these are just unrealistic and a little extreme in my opinion and had I done them I would have ruined my family so I'll tell you what I actually did. I told my DH what happened. I told him that I was worried SS was being encouraged by Bm whether intentional or not because she doesn't monitor how SS plays with her other child and she's extremely jealous of how much time SS spends with my child and not hers. I didn't put the blame on SS because I don't think kids are inherently malicious of siblings unless there's a provoked rivalry. I gave him a chance to help me and it worked out better than I can imagine. He talked with SS about how what he did was not okay, not allowed and will always result in him being punished. He even said "I don't care how you behave at your moms house with Spawn, but not here!" Now I did start watching them closely and gradually I wouldn't check on them as much. They are now 9 and 5 and thick as thieves.
 

Bm sends SS videos of boys wrestling laughing about how much it reminds her of him and spawn....we ended up running into SS with BM and Spawn at the local amusement park that just opened up and SS straight up ignored Spawn to play with BS. BM was pissed because it was 'her time' BUT SS gets to actually enjoy himself with BS because I don't let either one of them get too rough with the other. There are no accidents or outburst when I'm on ''mom' duty. I don't let BS beat up on SS or play like that just like we put a stop to SS acting that way when BS was little. 

Teach your skid the boundary line, point out how other adults handle their feelings of jealousy or rage appropriately (bc it IS normal), keep firm on your consequences when she lashes out and have patience while she is adjusting to new house rules. 

Livingoutloud's picture

The difference is that your DH listened to what you had to say. OP repeatedly posts that her boyfriend doesn't listen to what she has to say. So I doubt she can get him to be on board. I think that's why people adviced what they adviced. 

tog redux's picture

Her BF said, "SD would never do that," and won't address it. He doesn't care if she hurts the other child, as long as he can keep believing he's a good father. 
 

Some families need to be ruined. 

Livingoutloud's picture

Talking about families and families being ruined...

OP and her two children are also a family. Single mom with kids is still a family. If she breaks up whth her boyfriend, it doesn't mean her family is ruined. Having a man isn't a prerequisite to having a family. Her child gets hurt. Her guy does nothing about it. Which family should she worry about? Family with her kids being endangered or family whth this man who can't care less. 

when I was single raising my DD we were a family. Not having a man doesn't mean I had no family or something was ruined. Safety of innocent children is more important than keeping a man, especially a man who can't care less 

Winterglow's picture

OP, so what will it take for things to change? If you wait until something serious happens you could lose your baby to CPS... 

JBDmom's picture

It took me packing all of my things and making plans to leave for DH to actually listen to me. We then agreed upon a day of grounding and no tv through the weekend. I’ve also sat down and talked with her multiple times about how to take out your anger in a healthier way. DH has not only listened but has stuck with it so far. I don’t want to leave this relationship obviously but I am out of chances to give him. He will either be stepping up as an actual father to ALL of the kids or I will be leaving for good. So far he’s been more active and talked to me but again it’s only been a day so. I’m hoping for better things to come.

Gimlet's picture

It took me packing all of my things and making plans to leave for DH to actually (listen to me) bother to placate me.

FTFY.

Please start making plans for what you will do when he goes back to being his true, neglectful self.  I'm not trying to be a downer, but your primary duty is to protect your children and I have ZERO faith that this man plans to change anything.    

I really, really hope that I am wrong.

Aniki's picture

...actually LISTEN to me.

IOW, he said what you wanted to hear to get you to stay. 

This "man" is a horrible father. He LET his child's teeth ROT IN HER HEAD.

His placating will last long enough to keep you there and get you "back on track". It's heartbreaking that you allowed him to suck you back in. YOU can pretty much protect yourself. That baby is helpless. I pray your baby isn't seriously hurt or worse.

I am literally sickened and cannot read any more of your blogs. No partner is worth sacrificing the safety of your child. NEVER. I'm out.