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Asked SO for help

JBDmom's picture

I said something and now I’m alone. I asked my BF for help with our kids and now he’s not talking to me. I just wanted him to come home. No I needed him to come home my health and our babies health depend on it. Being alone for 5 days out of the week with my DD 1 and SD 4 along with being pregnant for months it feels like has put so much stress on me and my body. After taking the stress and everything else that’s involved with taking care of kids by yourself I finally broke. He couldn’t come home though so he got a babysitter for SD 4 so I at least I don’t have both of them here all the time. Now though for the past couple days he’s basically shunned me. Telling me that I’m ridiculous for not being able to handle another week by myself, and that I shouldn’t put everything on him. Basically I’m being childish and I need to handle kids with my mouth shut. I’m not allowed to need help is what this is making me feel like. This is why I hate absolutely hate asking anything of him because the backlash is just as damaging as the initial problem. This relationship is going to be the death of me and honestly I don’t know if it’s worth staying in anymore. 

Comments

sunshinex's picture

Why are you staying in this relationship? And why on earth are you watching SD4 without his help - he's the parent? Take your 1 year old and leave the house next time he's home... Leave the house for as long as you can. Make him miss work or whatever it is he needs to do if you need to. SD4 is HIS child and he needs to take care of her, at the very least, but he should be taking care of your mutual child too. 

 

Cbarton12's picture

Uh you shouldn't be watching SD if he isn't there. Our CO doesn't even allow for that. If DH can't take care of SD for more than 4 hours, parenting time goes back to BM.

Your BF sounds selfish. Where is he?

Monkeysee's picture

You’re being childish & need to keep your mouth shut? Wtf? Let me guess, he’s never spent an afternoon alone with them, let alone weeks on end, and he’s got no idea how taxing being pregnant is either. What a loser. 

You deserve better than this, and your kids deserve to see you with someone who actually treats you well. Next time he’s at home just leave, let him stay home with the kids & you go out for a rest. Stay out as long as you can as well, and don’t let yourself give a f*^k if he gets upset. He’s an a$$hole.

shamds's picture

He’s an arsehole for telling you to shut your mouth and handle all kids and be pregnant like its so f*#king easy. ITS NOT!!

his is where you tell him “great!! This weekend i’m going to the spa at 8.30am and won’t be back till evening” relax enjoy your day because if he has half a brain and gets rid of his ego, he’ll likely barely last an hour before apologising and say i get it now” thats if he doesn’t half arse the parenting of those 2 kids, you know like ignore them to fend for themselves while he sleeps, watches tv and plays with his phone. So before you leave the house remind him the vacuuming, mopping and laundry needs to be done and folded and kids fed and he needs to get dinner on the table...

i haven’t gotten to that point yet with my husband but when pregnant i ask him to do certain chores like kitty litter aicne pregnant woman canmt change it for fear of toxoplasmosis (i think its called), empty trash and do load of laundry or hang the load i did as often i’ve just been vomiting throughout the day. This helps alot because once bubs comes hubby is preconditioned to do these things

sunshinex's picture

I loved getting out of litter duty while pregnant lol I remember about a week after giving birth, my husband had still been keeping up with the litter, then a couple days went by and he didn't. I asked him to do it and he was like "ummm what? you're not pregnant, you can do it" and I tried to say I couldn't because I was breastfeeding hahaha he called my bluff pretty quick. Oops. 

shamds's picture

I told him once bubs is here it’s ridiculous he turns a blind eye when he sees trash overflowing because i should not be made to clean up after them and this is a courteous thing to do.

also ss20 literally piled his trash till overflowing and on the floor. He never emptied it and claimed he didn’t know he had to... “are you f*cking kidding me!!” Was what hubby got when he told me how frustrated he was with that response from ss.

ss now has no choice because hubby agreed he has the privilege of a bedroom and bathroom to come home to, he can get off his arse and bloody clean!!

tog redux's picture

He's an emotionally abusive jerk. You'd be better off as a single mother with your own two. He can pay child support.

He's the childish one, not you.

sunshinex's picture

My father was not well (severe PTSD) and left everything to my mother growing up. He didn't interact with or talk to us very much. If he was in a bad mood, he might yell or nag, but that was about it. My mother reached her breaking point and asked her therapist if it was better for us to have him around how he was or for us to not have a father in our lives at all. Her therapist said it's better for us to have him around how he was. 

My mom really, really regrets listening to that therapist. We were all damaged in some way by growing up watching our father barely speak with/do anything for us and watching our mother run around like a crazy person trying to handle everything because he was "too sick." 

All three of us (2 older siblings and I) were desperate for my father's attention. We all felt unlovable. We all acted out in our teen years. We all have attachment issues now. And I think my sister got the worst of it because she always goes for men she has to "parent" and she's never been in a relationship where her boyfriend didn't sit around while she took care of everything. 

Think about how your children will be impacted here. I can tell you firsthand, watching your father not be involved with you whatsoever hurts more than him being gone. It sucks knowing someone is in the same house as you but doesn't care to speak with or play with you. It sucks watching your mother get more and more depressed because of this person who is supposed to take care of her/you. 

 

futurobrillante99's picture

"And I think my sister got the worst of it because she always goes for men she has to "parent"."

I guess I'm a lot like your sister. I keep attracting fragile men with fragile egos and mommy issues.

But I'm smart enough not to fall for that any more. No more fixer uppers for me. My dad was highly emotionally unavailable and displayed all the traits of a malignant narcissist.

I'm sad that your mom didn't boot him but listened to the therapist. Sad

justmakingthebest's picture

As soon as you are able to work, get back into the work force. Do not continue to stay at home. 

I don't know what education or training you have but there are plenty of programs that last under 3 months that provide you with $15/hr jobs to start. You need to get out of the house and gain your independence back. Once you start feeling secure and are around other adults that have their shit together, you will come to see, on your own, what a crapbag your SO is. Hopefully then you can prepare to leave. Be smart and have a plan. 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

This is a tough position. But your SO is making it much worse. Any Mom who is pregnant and caring for a 4 year old and 1 year old would be stressed and tired. In your case, your SO isn't home during the week, spends unecessarily on his 4 year old when is home, and isn't making an effort to support you. 

What options do you have? Can 4yo stay with the aunt during the week while you go stay with your family and your 1 year old? Are there any daycares nearby that you've heard about? It sounds like you need to rest and get your physical and mental health on track.

I'm sorry he's not taking better careof your and the girls.