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Words I can’t say to anyone

JBDmom's picture

I have a lot to say that I can’t share with my bf with out tons of backlash. First and foremost I love my SD. I wish I could’ve grown and matured before I was thrown into being her mother , but I didn’t. She moved in with me and my BF permanently at the age of 3 after me being introduced into her life after maybe 4 months. We had no time to bond or really get to know each other before she was tossed into my lap to basically raise. My BF spoils and treats her like she’s a literal baby and has the hardest time believing she is anything but sweet and perfect. As her now only mother it falls on me to actually raise her and help her grow into a good and decent person. I’m the primary caregiver to her yet I get told I’m mean and harsh when all I’m doing is fixing the the bad habits and terrible behavior she has been taught. She is mean and hateful when she thinks her dad isn’t looking because when he is she pretends to be this innocent sweet little girl. She refuses to do anything for herself when he’s around and basically reverts back into this baby. She completely switches personalities depending on who’s she’s with. I’m overwhelmed, exhausted and annoyed all day everyday because she demands all of your attention all day everyday. I’ve had her 2 years and I still can’t stand being in the same room with her for more than 5 minutes because she’s so needy and annoying.

Comments

GirlfriendMom's picture

SD is great with me. She is well behaved, well mannered, and independent. When her dad is around, she is a clingy obnoxious baby and somehow my SO finds it cute. I hate it. I honestly prefer her around when my SO isnt. Being around them both for two long makes me miserable these days. I'm sorry you're going through that. Single dads with their daughters are a f***ing mess. 

Letti.R's picture

If you can't speak honestly and openly to your BF then you have real problems.
In a situation like that, I would not advise you to progress your relationship to marriage, and I would question why you continue to be in this relationship where the basic fundamental of real communication can not happen.

Not telling him how you honestly feel is a form of dishonesty and a tacit endorsement of his bad parenting and SD's horrible behaviour.
How are you ok with that - merely for fearing  the backlash?

Your honesty and openness could help remedy the situation or you wil continue to suffer in silence by your own choice.
You really need to think about why you continue to put up with this situation.

tog redux's picture

Agreed. And why she would raise someone else’s child with no support from the actual parent. He should be kissing her feet with gratitude, instead he criticizes her parenting. 

Let him take care of her alone for a couple of weeks while you go travel, OP. Let’s see how he feels then. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

not your responsibility .  Move out and into your own home where you can enjoy life and live the life of a free and independent young woman.

Date this man of you wish,  but you are not doing yourself any favors by surrendering your youth in the altar of his responsibilities.

Both you and his daughter deserve better.

 

Want2's picture

You start off stating you love your SD but end by saying you can’t stand to be around her. Maybe you have cognitive dissonance? If you don’t think she knows how you really feel you’re wrong. I think you should leave and get some counseling.

sunshinex's picture

How old are you?

I ask because I was 18 when my husband (then boyfriend) and I started dating. We dated for 5 years before we married and I started taking on some responsibility. Sure, he tried to ask if I could "just watch her for a few hours" while he worked and such, but I always put my foot down and said no - I'm too young to spend my days babysitting instead of enjoying being a young professional woman. I'm not interested in playing mommy when I'm not even sure we'll work out. He struggled with finding and paying for sitters and such, but you know what? He always managed because he respected MY feelings about the situation. 

You sound young. You remind me of me when I was starting out. And I was resentful of any time I had to spend with his daughter without him around. It felt forced instead of when it was the three of us and I was able to move slow and get to know her/play a friend figure. Go at the pace YOU feel comfortable moving and if he says anything about you being a mother figure/having responsibility or obligations, remind him that you're NOT a mother figure and you DON'T have obligations and you'd appreciate he take care of his shit while you take care of yours. 

If he pushes, he's not the right man for you - he's probably only looking for someone to take care of his child. If he doesn't push and respects your boundaries, you've got yourself a good relationship. I did let my husband (then boyfriend) know that I was sure someday my relationship with his daughter would grow into a loving motherly figure type of situation, but I wasn't going to force it. 

Goodluck's picture

boyfriend?? He isyour boyfriend?

Are you being held captive against your will?

Highly unlikely...you have free will to come and go, agree or disagree to do things...use it.

Your staying and have taken this role because you made the decision to. Notice I used the words You made the decision to..verses..'good choice/bad choice is juvenile". your not picking between cherry or grape popsicles

 You do have power to hit re-set button. But it is YOUR decision...not your boyfriends.

Welcome to step talk and I do wish you the very best.

 

 

 

JBDmom's picture

I completely understand that I chose and continue to choose to be in this situation. It’s not that I don’t want to be here it’s that I don’t get listened to when I do ask for help with things and it makes it hard for me to enjoy and want to be here at times. I feel tied to my relationship partly because I do have a child and another on the way with him, but mostly because i chose to have a family and build a life with my BF regardless of his previous relationships. Struggling constantly with hormone changes has brought on a lot of negative feelings that I have a lot of trouble handling. Thank you though for all that you’ve said and I will take into consideration every word.