when BM doesn't know the visitation schedule at ALL and tries to change plans last minute...
So last week BM calls DH on Thursday prior (5/24) with the statement of "did you decide you aren't getting SS today?"
No BM, we did not "decide" to not pick up SS today because WE DON'T HAVE SS today, or this weekend. You would know this if you would simply TRY to follow/learn the visitation schedule that has been in place for over three damn years now. Oh that's right, I forgot, "you don't need to be following that because you are the mother"...
When DH reminded her of the schedule, BM was quick to follow with "ss wants to spend this weekend with you".
Um...No BM...this is YOUR holiday weekend, the only 3 day weekend you get with ss this year and the only 3 day weekend we get without him. And she wasn't interested in trading memorial day for labor day.
DH reminded her of the heavy visitation schedule this summer. DH also let her know he has a desk-sized calender hanging on ss bedroom door with ALL of the visitation days highlighted so SS knows when he is coming over. BM never, ever offers to give dh extra time unless she knows it will impact our schedule. It is always, ALWAYS last-minute, and she always talks to ss about it BEFORE talking to dh so he looks like the bad guy if he says no. She also always does this when she isn't home and around ss so dh can't talk to ss after. She knows any weekend that dh isn't with ss that he is spending time with me, and she hates it. Truth be told most of the time dh is working when he doesn't have SS, but BM doesn't' believe him. It's odd that the schedule has been the same with alternating holidays for the last three years, yet BM still can't be bothered to keep track. It's not an overly complicated schedule.
When we only have SS for one weekend in May instead of two BM throws a tantrum and tries to force dh to pick up SS on non-days, telling dh that "you're not a dad" etc if he refuses.
Then June/July rolls around where BM only gets one full weekend in June out of the 4 weekends (just like DH had in May!) , followed by us having ss 16+ days in July: she throws a fit again saying "you have too much of his time" in which dh responds with "oh, but in May you said I didn't have him enough and I wasn't a dad. Now am I a dad BM?"
He has offered/tried twice now to exchange one of his weekends in July with her for one of her weekends in May, but she always says no. It's frustrating because DH always tells her "this is why I talked to you back in May, but you said no. So no, I am not giving you this time now, you had most of May". He has tried showing her calenders in advance so she sees what is coming up for summer but she doesn't want to look at them. Then acts all "surprised" when the schedule is heavy in DH favor.
I know dh has tried to talk to ss about this, and he has sat down with him and shown him the calender. At 10 1/2 ss should be able to understand a calender. But then BM throws a wrench in it "lets surprise daddy!" without talking to dh and it sucks. Our plans revolve around "we have him/we don't' have him" as far as planning in advance. Our entire month is spent planning around the visitation schedule.
BM also offered to "give" dh her only weekend with ss in June. I KNOW there is another motive to this. First, the fact that it would give me no weekends alone with DH, but also because if dh says yes, she will most likely try to use her "you owe me one" at the most inconvenient time possible. I also would bet that she is forgetting DH has ss from early morning to the evening on Father's Day (falls on BM weekend) so if DH does take ss on his "off weekend" then goes to pick him up on "her weekend/father's day" something will happen. So tired of these games. DH mom and grandmother were more than willing to take ss for a weekend if BM wanted a break, but BM said no. If it isn't dh, nobody gets ss. Which is fine, it's her visitation time. Dh had no issue with this. But I'm sick of the guilt-tripping when the schedule is pretty even.
If you can follow a work schedule that is usually either every week or e/o week out, why can't you follow a visitation schedule? It's not that hard! The only part that changes are for the "holiday schedule", and it simply alternates on the major holidays!
Counting down the years.
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Comments
First thing your DH needs to
First thing your DH needs to do is try and make her text or email so its all in writing for later on, in case of any court days in the future.
Best for him to just let her calls go to voice mail and only return important or emergency calls. Tell him to just text back if its just an easy answer, such as, I have given you the schedule already, repeatedly. That is all he needs to say to her. Argueing the same thing over and over just gives her attention and keeps her coming back for more.
She knows the schedule, she is just wanting his time and attention on her and SS.
Honestly with all the times
Honestly with all the times she has done this, I don't think she keeps track of the holiday schedule. Just the regular schedule. The week long stretch we have ss over the fourth of July? Picture swapping a year where we DON"T have him for that stretch and BM has ss for a week. She usually calls super early on day 4: "aren't you going to see your son AT ALL this week?? He misses you" It drives me bonkers...
My ex can't keep track of a
My ex can't keep track of a schedule to save his life. I started a google account & have the calender public as well as linked SO, DS & ExH to it. Anyone can see the schedule at anytime. If ex called asking about it - i sent him a link. end of conversation. Might help.
Yep. This is what we do too!
Yep. This is what we do too!
dh and I have this...BM
dh and I have something like this...BM refuses to download it *sigh* It's called "time tree" and I have the entire visitatin schedule for the next two years mapped out on it already. DH hasn't downloaded it yet, BM refuses. In dh defense I'm the one that put the HUGE desk scheduler on ss door not only for ss benefit but for dh too...You can't exit our bedroom without walking past ss room (yay) so dh see's it every damn day.
This sounds SO familiar
DW's kids live with BD. We are *supposed* to only get them every 2nd weekend, but, hoo boy! March: 4 weekends running. April: 3 weekends. May, 3 and counting. BD as new girlfriend and clearly the kids are now in the way of his sex life with the new girlfriend. BD also stays out until 1am on school nights, and when his kids dared to complain, he told them that they can come and live with us. At which point I finally grew a pair and told BD to man up because I'm not taking over 100% of his responsibilities as a dad, the next time we took them home to him.
try a 13 day stretch of No V...disney dad going to explode
Oh man....I don't think I could do it. 4/3/3 weekends in a row? I feel for you. I'm already internally dreading the June/July schedule. It's not that many days if you add it all up, but not having a free weekend all month with "disney dad"...
Especially since he gave BM today (dh was supposed to have ss for 4 hours) so she could take ss on "vacation"..I'm prepared for him to over-do this Monday's visitation into a gd "event". He hasn't seen ss since 5/21. Thanks to giving her today, that's 13 days between visitation days instead of 9. *shudder* June is going to be hell. I better stock up on wine....
ex-h and I have week on week
ex-h and I have week on week off, with alternating holidays being first dibs on preferred times if it's not ours that year.
It has happend that we have traded, but we're civil like that, and it's never forced, or guilt-ridden - it's usually a "hey, my family's in town from across the country, would you mind if we switched x days for others so they can visit?" and it's usually a "no problem, I'd like to trade for X days or Y days, if that works for you."
With my DH, BM used to always shove ss on him last minute on the one or 2 evenings she was supposed to have them... and she always used to use "but ss wants to see you!" until he finally grew a pair and told her that it's not her place to discuss HIS schedule with ss, and that it's just as easy for her to say that it's her time with ss, he'll see dad tomorrow.
We have an established schedule now, it's been working out, there's no issues, no reason to change. Of course I'm open to swaps, but not just for the hell of it - there needs to be a legitimate reason, and "because I want to go out for dinner" is NOT one.
Refusing to cater to someone else's wants and desires doesn't make one less of a parent - quite the opposite - it reinforces that the kids are on the parent's time, not the other way around. A child's desire to spend time with one parent over the other does not supercede the schedule of our daily lives. I won't bend over and kiss my own arse just because ss doesn't want to be with his mom that day... if DH wants to, that's on him, but don't expect me to be involved.
I've done that, too. DH mentioned it to me, I protested, he took ss anyway - I took the time to pretend like they weren't even around - nope, sorry, I had plans to garden, bubble bath, wine with my mom, whatever... I'm not breaking my plans just because you decided to bend over.
We go through the same stuff,
We go through the same stuff, we have 50/50 custody with 5/5/2/2 schedule, I made color-coded calendars thru the rest of the year, we all have copies, DH, BM, SS11, and me. We NEVER deviate from the schedule, did that and it was a mess.
Do you think that stops her.......nope, the Monday before Memorial day weekend DH receives a text asking if he is keeping SS for the long weekend, DH doesn't reply right away, the next day he gets a text from SS asking if he is staying with us for the long weekend, Wednesday (now SS is with us, and never asked when he saw us) DH gets a email from BM asking about the weekend. DH just simply attaches May's calendar to the email. She can't stop herself, she has to respond and tell DH that she was just trying to be nice and offering him an extra day, but she won't in the future as he obviously doesn't want to spend time with his son. DH was pissed and replied (against my better judgement, but I understand his feelings too) asking her if they have 50/50 custody why she was trying to get rid of him for an extra day, did she not want to spend her time with him, and that if she wanted to give up time on a permenant basis he would be more than happy to take him.
That shut her up..........until next time......
When you have someone like
When you have someone like this, who wants to use the schedule when it suits them and then conveniently forget the schedule when it doesn't, you and DH need to learn to disengage from BM. Do not ever deviate from the schedule. For any reason. No favours, nothing.
If it impacts on your plans, work around it, but never ever deviate. It is only being used as a tool to frustrate you. Your defence is the word NO. No change, no deviation. No talking about the schedule. It is not your problem if she can not learn the days she has her kid.
It's hard for dh to disengage
It's hard for dh to disengage with her though. Example: she spoke to dh on Thursday and spewed all that crap, dh was pretty firm in reminding her about the heavy summer schedule, but also went as far as telling her "I make plans that aren't always kid friendly when I don't have him BM, yes I could drag him with, but it wouldn't be fun for him and it wouldn't be one on one time. That is why we have the schedule. I have plans for him on the days I have him, I have the year schedule mapped out already". I wish he wouldn't have worded it like that, because I just KNOW that all she got out of that was "daddy doesn't want to see you on his off days ss". The guilt tripping with this woman-child is INTENSE. Dh is getting slightly better with handling this, but she still "twists the knife" every month at least and then dh is all mopey/moody. Sucks.
He still thinks he can get
He still thinks he can get through to her. He can't. That part of people who want to improve and do the right thing is missing with these people. He can go outside and have a better talk with a tree.
He needs a copy of Say Goodbye to Crazy.
"LETS SURPRISE DADDY" lol
when I read that I lost it.
I am so sorry your going thru this especially the poor boy. It used to take my dh 13 1/2 days to confirm eow because bm would cause chaos each and every time. That is the God's Honest Truth.
Holiday time we finally gave it all to her. This going back and forth back and forth BACK AND FORTH, conflict every inch of the way was and IS insane. Ours went on for years AND years......it was hell.
Many of us older SM know how it feels to be where you are.
I would stick with the schedule and DO NOT offer or give any changes moving forward. I wouldnt make a deal with her about anything.
A social worker once said in court "A schedule IS extremely important to a child. In fact it gives the child something to count on. Ms. Bm's fly by the seat of her pants is very disruptive to the child not to mention everyone else who is affected by BM' antics"
DO NOT buy bm's bs into making you or dh feel bad. Schedules are in EVERY area of life. During an emergency is one thing to change it......
BM is yanking dh chain. It is VERY clear she is deviling him simply by telling her own on "LETS surprise daddy"....
We went through the same
We went through the same thing when skids were younger.
BM just liked interfering with SO's visitation time with his kids.
It's a control issue.
I believe your BM knows the schedule, she just doesn't want to follow it.
She knows the regular e/o
She knows the regular e/o weekend and weekdays schedule, she just honestly has NEVER been able to follow the holiday schedule unless it's Christmas. Christmas is the only one she can keep track of for the e/o year. All other holidays are just one big argument with her lol.