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Computer issue...

hismineandours's picture

Ok-folks just want to see if I am being "fair".

As many know my ss13 moved in this week. On Saturday prior to him officially moving in I said something about the computer. I have a netbook that dh bought me, I didnt like it so he bought me a new one Smile and since that time I've let the kids use the netbook. I mentioned this this weekend, knowing ss was coming, and said he would be able to get on the computer and his facebook account if he gave me the password (all 3 of my kids have given me their password and I check their accounts almost daily). SS really said nothing in response. Fine, I was just being conversational.

Wednesday-the day after he moved in-I again mentioned this. He just had his phone taken from his permanently for reasons I blogged about earlier and I mentioned that he could use the computer if again he gave up the password. (we actually knew the password by now-and had changed it-but this was unknown to him). He stated that he would just delte the account-he did not want us to have the password-that he did nto want ME to be speaking to his friends and he knew that i had done that with the other kids. (In the years I've been monitoring their accts I have used the chat function at times to find out info-someoen sees my kid on there and starts a convo and basically I make noncommittal replies and "listen" to what they have to say-I've done this maybe 3 or 4 times with all 3 of my kids in the last two years). So when he said this, I said fine-but it doesnt seem wise to give up all your access to the computer because you dont want to give up the password.

Thursday-dh allowed ss to get on the computer. I confronted dh on me telling him he couldnt-while dh was standing there and not disagreeing-and he said, "well he doesnt have access to his facebook acct since we changed his password" I told him then-"I still dont want him on there-I told him I wanted him to give us the password and he still hasnt. At that point,dh asks for it and ss turns it over. However by this time, ss was already hacking into another account and using that profile. He had already tried his own and found out he couldnt get into it (so I am guessing he realized that it was meaningless to give us the password at that time)-I told dh that ss was hacking into the other profile. Dh did nothing.

Friday-ss still has access to the netbook-using the alternate profile early this morning and then I am thinking dh changed the password to his profile again so he could get on there as I could no longer get on there and it said it had been changed this morning. SS was then using his own profile at that point.

Ok-I am perturbed. I am perturbed that he was allowed on the computer when I said he couldnt be. He knew the reason he couldnt be on it was because I did not allow kids unsupervised access to facebook. So he found a way to get unsupervised access to it, by hacking someone else. My dh continued to allow access even after he found out ss was doing what I asked him not to-and even though he offered up his password and then dh evidently changed it to a password THEY both knew-ss still has access to the hacked account and has not offered THAT password-so bottom line is the kid still had unsupervised access to facebook. So this morning after he left for school, I just went and got the netbook and hid it. SS has been looking for it since he got home Smile

A side issue is that he is using it to talk to a girl. A girl that I've told dh is not appropriate (she self mutilates, talks about smoking weed on facebook, curses and makes a general ass of herself in cyberspace)-he has agreed that she has issues and even told ss that he did not think she was appropriate and they argued over it. However, when dh took ss's phone he said he was just going to break up with this girl, that there was no point-she just caued trouble for him and he didnt want to "date" someone that he'd never see (she was from his old school). Also, I made my dd14 break it off recenty with what is realy a decent young man, because essentially he was too immature for a rlatioship So yes, I dont think my ss should "date" this young lady. He is on facebook assuring her that he has no intention of breaking up with her-he loves her, and blah, blah blah.

I havent told dh I've put the netbook up-I wanted to make sure I explained to him very clearly my reasons for doing so. So tryig to get those straight in my head. Am I being harsh here?


ThatGirl's picture

You are not being too harsh. If the other kids have to turn over passwords to use the computer, he should as well. Your husband is playing favorites the first week SS moved in. This isn't going to fare well.

overitall's picture

I believe in monitoring the Facebook accounts and having the passwords. I don't believe, when you sre signed on under another, pretending to be that person and "listening". I consider it a lie and a betrayal of trust. I don't blame your ss for not wanting to give up his password if he knew you had done that in the past.
I realy don't know why you had your BD beak up with a young man because he was not mature enough. At 14, she is not mature for a relationship either.
With both those things being said, you are being "fair" and have every reason to be very upset with both your husband and ss. The house rules were clearly established and clearly ignored. I agree with the above posters, block access and have them address the issue to you.

beyond pissed-off's picture

Woah - H made a run on the bank and took half the savings??? PLEASE tell me you are protecting yourself and have some cash squirreled away! And please separate your accounts now. There is no need to tell DH first - just open an account for yourself and gradually fund it. If he gets angry - tough shit! HE is the one who broke trust.

Protect yourself girl! Yes - you are totally doing the right thing on the net book but you have bigger things to worry about now....

Inneedofgrace's picture

I agree with StepAside on this one. You're trying to do the right thing, and that's admirable, but "you can't parent someone's kid more than they will parent their own kid. It doesn't work.".

Vichychoisse's picture

IMO, if it's your computer, you have the right to have rules around it and let whomever use it that you want to. So don't let him use it if he breaks your rules.

However, it is up to DH how he wants to police his kid, if at all. If he buys him his own netbook and doesn't give a crap what the kids does on it, not your problem.

hismineandours's picture

So just to update-dh and I further discussed-he agreed that ss broke trust and agreed that he was not monitoring well enough which allowed the breach of trust in the first place. So ss has lost all access to internet, facebook, computer etc for now. Dh was not mad that I put the netbook up-it is MY netbook and since I outlined my rules to ss for the use of it and he broke them then I feel pretty justified in putting it away.

I get what you are saying stepaside-but I dont see this working at ALL if we parent separately. Our kids are too close in age-my dh parents the ones that are not his biologically and for me to be "disengaged" from ss creates too big of a division in the household. I am ok with him taking the "lead" so to speak-but when I feel like he's wrong I will speak up either directly to ss or to dh. In some ways we have the ability to function more as an intact family-my two oldest bio kids dad is deceased so dh really is the father for all intent and purposes and bm has seen ss only 3 times in 9 months-two of those times just for a few hours. My mil also provided transport-which I have no plans to do so I am not anticipating any visits with the bm-who has made it clear directly to ss that she is not willing to have him back in her home. In the past, I also parented ss fully when he lived here-the problem occurred because dh was gone so often that I was doing 90% of the parenting by myself-and back then we still had bm's interference.

We intend to do things OUR way-which admittedly might be somewhat difficult at times-we are defintely going to have some bumps along the way and we fully expect that. But we need to do some radical parenting here in order for ss to have a chance to be successful. So far he has not done anything, IMO, that is really bad-he's just really testing the limits to see what he can get away with. NOone has EVER (well with the exception of myself years ago) monitored the kid or paid that much attention to what he is doing so all this is new to him.

As far as me "listening" in on my kids facebook-My children are children. They have zero right to
privacy unless they earn it. I have not "listened" into my daughter's acct for almost a year-why? because she has earned trust-back a year ago she was making some mistakes and quite frankly I would have done anything in order to find out what those were so I could address them with her and help her. I found out some bad things and some good things that way. She was never angry with me for 'listening" in. This is somthing that I made my kids aware of that I would feel free to do if they had facebook accts. It's part of it and they are all ok with it. If my ss wants the privilege of facebook, then he will have to agree to the same.

hismineandours's picture

My dh doesnt have an issue with me monitoring any of the kids, including ss, on the internet. Dh let him on the computer as he thought ss couldn't log into facebook as we changed his password. That's why he initially thought it was no big deal for him to get on there. Then he did give it up-but he already knew it had been changed-BUT dh didnt know that he knew it had been changed. Make sense?

My dh has a traumatic brain injury, ptsd, and chronic pain disorder, and has 5 surgeries on his spinal cord. I dont believe he can do radical parenting-at least not consistently. We knew this going in which is part of the reason I was so reluctant to have him move in-I KNEW that I would have to parent him as well as dh is just not capable of doing it on his own. I want him to just support everything that I did and I felt he wasnt doing that. After talking to him, it was more an error on his part rather than any well thought action he made.