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I am having a hard time stopping myself...

hismineandours's picture

So I am turning to you fine ladies. Many of you know my ss17 is in Juvie- has been for about 6 months. Prior to that we hadn't seen him in like 3 years and 18 months of no verbal contact.

He is defiant, antisocial, and a pervert. He has victimized myself, my dd, bullied my ds mercilessly and threatened to kill him.

So I want nothing to do with the kid. For the past 3 years kid hasn't wanted anything to do with any of us. But he calls dh in January. With the jailhouse routine of how he's changed, blah, blah.

Of course dh wants to believe this. I get it. Kid even wrote letter that I talked about in last blog inquiring how myself and the other kids felt about them communicating.- which dh and I both interpreted as him hinting around to move back home. Which- no. Will never happen.

Well then fast forward a month and dh casually brings up using our campsite- or "love nest" as dh likes to refer to it as a place to bring ss for home visits. I'm like wha? He said yeah, I've talked about seeing him (he had talked about driving and visiting with him for an hour in the facility) and he gets these home passes so I wanted to do it at the camper since you don't want him at the house.

K. First I have trouble wrapping my head around this. You haven't seen the kid in 3 years and you are planning on picking him up from detention and keeping him all weekend? Really- is that where you start? I am confused why this facility would send him on a home pass someplace that is not a home and to A person he is not going home with. And if I don't want him in my home, I also don't want him in. My camper which we spend every weekend in during the summer. Meaning all my clothes, my girls clothes, money, adult beverages would have to be removed and even then I would still feel violated knowing he is in my 2 nd home. So, no. So he says ok I will take him to a hotel. Well. That's a nice treat- lets refuse to speak to you for 3 years, get arrested for drug dealing, and first chance you get you are going to take him to a hotel and live it up. I know- nothing is p,easing me at this point. Anyway we argued- he didn't like my attitude I didn't like his. But then I guess e talked to the facility. They told dh he'd have to come to 2 counseling sessions and then he might get a 2 hour pass not some type of every other weekend thing. Dh also ponied up for once-and said he realized that he couldn't just make nice with ss without confronting issues- so he told the counselor and ss that he wanted ss to think about all his actions here and be ready to share why he did those things. This is literally the most confront ive dh has been in years- lol. Anyway ss called him once a week later and they chatted.

Then dh hadn't heard from him for weeks. Finally he calls and tells dh he lost privileges for smarting off. Then another two weeks pass and I guess he called dh Sunday and dh put money on his phone card. This is the first time dh did this. I don't know where ss got money for phone cards prior.

I'm not sure what my point is in sharing all this, but I feel like dh is back at the not rocking the boat phase. Since there was minimal contact for the last month, I feel like even though it's not related to dh- dh deep down suspects that ss did not talk to him on purpose to "punish" him for "confronting" him. I know I should not care it's their relationship but it just kills me- that dh can not manage to have a healthy relationship with this kid.

That point aside, I really want to write ss. He did specifically inquire as to what I thought. I am sure dh did not tell him what I thought so I would like to,take the opportunity to assist ss with his curiousity. I have no intention of cursing, writing anything inappropriate- but rather stating my feelings-since he asked. I also am assuming that they monitor mail. So other than my own personal closure, I would like to put it out there the things that ss did do here so that staff can become aware of it and hopefully they can deal with it before ss perpetrates on some innocent victim in the future. these things have never been addressed as ss consistently lies abou them, hides them, or vastly minimizes- and all of that makes any sort of therapy or any other program he is in pretty pointless if you know what I mean.

Anybody see a downside to this? I can't find one. Sure, if dh finds out he may be a little frosty, but Imo it's not really his business. ss wronged me and mine and I feel I have the right to my feelings aboutbthat and the right to call him out In an appropriate and civilized manner. Just like dh has the right to have a relationship with him if that's what he chooses. I have to eat that as much as I dont like it- but I know it's true.


AVR1962's picture

I went thru something very similar and I really feel for what you are dealing with right now. My husband had full custody of his sons from the time the boys were 2 & 4, I met them when they were 5 & 7 and there was some obvious issues, mostly seemed to be discipline. The oldest boy was very destructive, angry and hateful. He told me he hated me, told my daughter (he was 15 at the time) that he wanted to kill me and felt he could do it in my sleep, he molested and sexually abused my oldest daughter, he was a thief, he started 2 fires in our house. Husband and his ex-wife wanted to do nothing to help this kid, said it was normal behavior for a boy.....boys will be boys mind-set. I was totally blown away that anyone could see this behavior as acceptable but I guess when it is your blood and you love that child you can make all kind of excuses, and they did! I, on the other hand, was disgusted and wanted nothing to do with this boy with time. He lived in our home full time.

After he set the second fire in our house which he lied about and tried to cover I made an appt for counseling for him. At this point I had no clue about the molesting and sexual abuse, that would surface years later. The counseling took all his behavior very seriously. Told my husband if he set another fire in the house that the police needed to be called. She also helped us figure out a way for him to make an apology to all those people he stole from (which of course he blamed me for, saying I was punishing him by making him apologize). husband followed thru with what the counselor suggested but he sure could not see the problem when I presented it to him, kind of crazy huh?

With all that said so you understand I really have been in your shoes....this boy has problems but your husband is still his father. the best thing your husband could do is try and have a relationship with his son and support his efforts to work thru his issues and if that means counseling together as a family, the ex included, it could help.

In my situations, besides the counseling for the fire setting and the stealing my SS has not had counseling and has lead a very destructive life-style. He is now 33, soon to marry for the first time....was unfaithful to every woman he has been with.....this lady that he is marrying has children and boy do I feel sorry for the girl. I so hope that everything he dished to me comes back on him and his actions towards me are full in his face.

You do not have to have anything to do with this boy, and I would not if I were you. He sounds like a danger to you and any children you might have. If he is targeting his anger at you it is best to stay out of the picture but don't stop your husband from trying to see his son and develop a relationship with him. You don't have to understand how he can love a boy that has caused you so much pain and caused so much damage....parents love their children regardless. If the boy is still living destructively though I would encourage your husband to seek counseling with his son. Your husband needs to be a strong parent to your son.

bearcub25's picture

Write a letter and then put it away somewhere. Do not send it. It tells you something right there that he keeps getting in trouble and getting privileges taken away.

Both my SS' have spent a few years in juvie. I thought about writing OSS many times. I wanted to confront him about the way he sexually harassed me and made me feel uncomfortable in my own home. He was also giving DSO that whole, I have changed....BM and Gpa never visit me and I don't want anything to do with them, I just want to live with you Dad....bullshit. YSS is now doing the same thing with DSO.
Now, if OSS had come to me and apologized and said he wanted to build a better r'ship, then we could have working on it and maybe been in a better place. Instead he ignores me and acts like I'm the whore GF that took Daddy from Mommy when he has dropped by for a short visit.

When OSS got released, he did exactly what he said he wouldn't do...ran straight to BM and Gpa house and helped them do a lot of work on their house. Only contacted DSO for money.

DSO was ready to quit his job and live on welfare for YSS bc of the same bullshit...I only want you Dad, can I live with you. All a bunch of bullshit. YSS was living with us, and treated DSO and I so poorly that he let YSS go back and live with BM...bc that's all he wanted to do.

I know it hurts DSO deeply his boys are trash, but they still won't ever live in my home again and DSO and both them boys know this.

hismineandours's picture

My goal is not to work on a relationship with ss. That ship has sailed. I have no interest in participating in any sort of therapy with him. My goal would be to never be in the same room as him.

My goals are 1) for me to stand up for myself and kids and gain a little closure and personal growth. I've always been the type of person In Which I just keep my mouth shut, go with the flow, etc. in the last few years I've begun to realize whata hindrance that has been for me personally as well as I feel it prevents me from being the best mom I can be to my own kids. I've been far more assertive in all areas of my life in the last year or so and it has been such a positive for me. 2) if my dh is going to have a relationship with this kid, I DO for his sake hope that ss can be the healthiest version of himself. If ss never acknowledges anything he's done wrong he's not going to benefit from therapy. I don't think that that is his best version of himself. I have no unrealistic expectations that if the staff knows about these things that ss is going to make a remarkable change, but gee if it makes him spend 5 minutes realizing what he did was wrong that's probably better than what we've got now. 3) if this does not improve ss In General or his relationship with dh, maybe just maybe it might slow his roll a bit and he will think twice about victimizing others if he does not like the experience of dealing with the aftermath. I feel almost ashamed at times that I know the capacity this kid has to harm others and I do and say nothing about it.

I have zero expectations in terms of a response. I couldn't care less actually-again it's more for me and actually the staff so they are aware of what sorts of issues he might have. But again, mostly for me.

I am not sure in what way this could backfire for me. Will it create huge problems for dh and I? No. I don't necessarily think he will be happy about it, but overall I don't think it will bother him much one way or another. As far as trying to stand in the way- I'm not trying to do so. I don't like it but I get it. I thought the whole no contact for 3 years to putting him up in a motel every other weekend was strange- but it was more the strangeness that I was commenting on- which as it turns out that's not how it would happen anyway that is just what ss led dh to believe.

You guys gotta give me reasons that you feel that this would be a bad thing- because I just can't see any. Again I don't care if ss benefits from it (that would be a bonus but I certainly don't have that expectation), I don't care what he says back or if he says anything back. There is no custody battle, no arguments regarding visitation- the kid is already 17 and lives with my inlaws as his bm will not have him in her house either. The plan at this point is that he will be released back to his grandparents until he is off probation and then he will be moving an hour away to live with his 19 year old half sister on bm's side when he is 18. There is no child support order. He is cared for by dh's social security, va disability and dh provides health/ dental insurance on him already. He will not return to school- is working on his ged. So what's the downside?

moeilijk's picture

I'd write the letter.


You asked about my feelings about you. I feel concerned. You have stolen my underwear and my xx yo daughter's underwear on many ocassions. You have described how you would kill me, in great detail, on many ocassions. You have snuck into the pantry in the middle of night and eaten all the food, enough to feed a family of six for a week, on many ocassions. You have abused drugs and alcohol on many ocassions. You do not wash yourself, even after you wet the bed. You have threatened and engaged in violence repeatedly. I feel concerned because your behaviours are not safe and you are harmful to yourself and those around you.


Most Evil's picture

Yes!! Write this!!! so they can know what he is capable of, and HAS DONE already, and not be fooled by him!!!

I too am trying to be more assertive and it is going over like a brick, but I feel better about everything because of it!!! Especially the sexual abuse element here!!!!!