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hismineandours's picture

To recap-ss16 is in detention. Dh and ss hadn't spoke in over 18 months until he was arrested when ss called saying he had changed. Of course dh was overjoyed.

Ss is not allowed here in our home for thousand of reasons- but they primarily boil down to my kids safety. I feel he has traumatized me and my children and want no contact whatsoever with him. That being said I understand that dh may feel differently and has the right to feel how he feels.

The one thing I asked dh in this situation is for dh to tell ss16 to not call the home phone. I do not wish to answer it nor do I want my kids to do so. He agreed. This was a month ago,

Ss called today. My youngest dd did answer the phone. She didn't know who it even was. Although my guess is that dh has told her already (as he doesn't grasp the gravity of ss's behaviors most of the time). In fairness, I do not believe ss has called in the last month for dh to tell him not to call the home. Although he could have written him and told him.

He easily told me that it was ss on the phone- then he told me he was going to go visit him soon. I asked why he didn't tell him not to call the home phone and his answer was, "I forgot". I e en somewhat believe him. He has add and a mild tbi- it's not far fetched to believe he actually did forget- but I think a lot of it is also he does not wish to remember and also that he finds it unnecessary. When I dint respond to him saying he forgot -he said "at least he's not harassing anyone". Well, no, not right now as he has already spent the last 10 years or so doing that.

He told me that ss got in the program that is the least punitive. I didn't respond further. However, I am upset. I am upset that he didn't follow thru on what he said he would do. I am upset because I think he did it because ultimately he doesn't wish to hurt this kids feeling or possibly make him angry. This is the way he has always interacted with him, it has created many of the problems that ss now has. To me, there is no,point in ss and dh even speaking if they are just both lying to one another. I am upset that my dh is just so naive in believing that
This kid has changed. I am worried about the future-,what happens when the kid gets out in 6th months? He of course will not be living here, but there Is only 1 option. With inlaws which is where he came from- inlaws despise me and dh hasn't spoke to them in a coup,e of years either. ss will not continue to speak to dh once he is back with inlaws. They are poisonous people who will blatantly and subtly give him the message that dh is evil-so once again dh will be upset.

I am upset because once again to get my point across with dh- I will have to be harsh and blunt. I will come off being the " bad guy". Dh will be a guy who just wants to be there for his son. And ss will just be a young boy who is trying to learn from his mistakes- while I come off as cold, unforgiving, and bitter.

Just looking to vent right now. I will be speaking to dh again later about all this, but it just gets tiring to repeat myself over and over again.


moeilijk's picture

In some ways you have to be less give-and-take with your DH than most spouses have to be with their partners. Not just because SS is so completely wrong inside, but due to DH's brain injury and how he processes information.

I'm sure it must be difficult to have to compartmentalize things for yourself, instead of being able to just talk things over with your husband.