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They never disappoint

Ginger_SM's picture

The fun of discussing summer visitation has started! We received an email from BM asking about dates we are okay to take the girls, which is fine, but it starts with that the girls would like to split up the visit and have a week with her family smack dab in the middle. 

DH and I both feel like having all days consecutive would be best considering what happened last year with have a very minimal split in time. Also, it creates more unnecessary contact and drama.

We respond to BM just saying we feel it would be best for both parties to just have time consecutively. 

Well we got a response this morning but I have been avoiding it because I just know I'll be irritated and I was talking with my Mother about it. Right after I got off the phone I get a call from DH referencing the email and how she is annoying. So, I finally read it and to no surprise it is annoying. 

She says that the girls have expressed it is hard for them to be left somewhat unsupervised for 5-6 weeks straight and that's why she is requesting the split but whatever we prefer she will tell the girls. 

I could understand if the girls were super young but they really aren't.  At least in my opinion. She works from home so apparently that makes all the difference at her house when it isn't like she is watching the girls every second. Does she think we are supposed to take the girls to daycare or something.  

I really want to be petty with my response and say well considering there will be time that MIL wants to see them that can break up the time. 

Anyways I told my Mom immediately after that as I had suspected the email was irritating. Her response was, "At least she never disappoints. "    SO TRUE!!!!


tog redux's picture

BM here would do that. She would first ask for something, and if she didn't get it, she would then say that SS wanted it that way because of some deficient thing that DH had done to upset him. So first nice, then guilt. And if guilt didn't work (never did with DH), it would be anger.  And then she would just withhold SS entirely to spite DH.

Just go with whatever the CO says.

Ginger_SM's picture

BM always words things of the girls want. When in reality it is more likely she asked if they would want something and they said yes. 

Our CO just says we get half of summer break, it doesn't really detail anything but why split it at all. I personally think her family has something planned that week and that is how she is choosing to try to get it. 

tog redux's picture

If she's the alienating type, she probably doesn't want them away from her influence for so long.

Yes, BM here always made it about what SS wanted too, but only after she asked and didn't get what she wanted - and always in a way that made it seem like her first request was made just to protect DH's feelings.

Just like your BM did - "I want them for a family vacation", "Well, I really want them because they don't like to spend so long with you, but I didn't want to tell you that."  Please.  It's just a control thing. 

BM here used to say that she felt "controlled" by the CO -so however she could mess with it, she did.

Cbarton12's picture

Stick to your guns and say no. No reason to split the time. How old are the girls that they feel they need to be supervised? 

BM sounds fun 

Ginger_SM's picture

Oh you can tell the CO only means something when it benefits her. 

Our lawyer said we should bring some stuff up that she is not following in regards to joint legal custody. Which almost feels like a losing battle but it's better than constantly laying down to her. 

Cbarton12 We definitely plan to stick to our guns because it's just another thing to worry about that isn't worth it. But they are 9 and 13. The 9 year old is very co-dependant though because that is how BM wants it I feel. 

Oh she definitely is. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'm going to play devil's advocate here.

I was the oldest sibling, and summers sucked until my siblings were old enough to stay home by themselves because I was defacto babysitter. Want to go to camp? Nope, no one to babysit. Want to go out with friends? Parents better be off so I can do that. Want to just hold up in my room for the day? Can't, need to make sure the siblings are fed and not making a mess and are taken care of.

I'm not saying kids need to have an awesome-sauce, jam-packed, top-tier summer. But if the plan is just for them to be there for 6ish weeks without OSD getting a break except on weekends (and if you all live far away, she may not have friends nearby to hang out with), I can see BM saying it's too much and the girls don't like it.

Can you get them involved in things, like a week-long camp, or day camp for the younger one so the older one can spend some time home alone without responsibility? Or have MIL and other family take the girls out on random days? Or take a few days off here and there so the girls can go do something fun outside the house?

I do understand the headache of having a BM who does/says things "on behalf of the kids" and realizing that it's not really them asking (happens all the GD time here, though BM is too scared to PAS the boys at this point). But, I have also been the sibling who had to take care of younger siblings over the summer and HATING it (eventually my mom gave me a monthly allowance for doing it because I couldn't get a job doing anything else and had no other way to make money). There is a middle ground that will placate the girls IF they are complaining while also shutting down BM's BS about the girls being bored/feeling abandoned and alone/not having anyone to hang out with.

Ginger_SM's picture

BM already asked about YSD doing a summer day camp during our time for a week or two. We agreed it would be fine for one week. 

Also, more than likely they will go stay with my in laws for a week, who are retired now. They have a cabin that the girls love to go to. That's why it was a little annoying because it's like why do we have to break up the time with her family when there is family on our side that are going to take time. 

Also, both of the girls get along really well with my nieces so I am sure there will be some sleepovers and such. 

We mostly feel like doing that invites more problems than necessary given BM and her families track record. They have no respect for DHs time or his position as a Father. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Sounds like a solid plan, then. The girls have activities and are spending time with their grands and paternal family. BM can suck an egg.

shamds's picture

is their dad not gonna be home or you?

this is dads job to watch them but i get if its part of your marriage and you’re fine to watch them at times but geez i read this as the bio mum thibking or implying kids will be at your home on their own and oh poor them

thinkthrice's picture

"Follow the Yellow Brick Road"

Follow The Written C-O

Follow The Written C-O

Follow, follow, follow, follow

Follow The Written C-O

tankh21's picture

Ok...So the CO doesn't give exact date of when your DH can take the girls for his summer visitation so you are always going to be dealing with this crap with the BM until they turn 18 unless you go to court or mediation and get the CO changed. While I get the kids will be bored or the oldest could be stuck babysitting the younger one during your DH's summer visitation it's not the end of the world. Everyone's situation is different and work and bills come first. Visitation is voluntary and if your DH doesn't want to split up his visitation he shouldn't have to. Kids shouldn't be given a choice on what they want to do just because it's summer. They are kids and need to follow rules that their parents give them.

Ginger_SM's picture

They will be home alone while we are at work. I don't get off of work all that late though and my husband has a day off during the week as well. What's funny is with her job she probably works more time even though she is home. So, we essentially probably spend more quality time with the girls even though they are home alone for a period of time. 

I loved being home alone when I was younger, so I guess I don't think it's all that big of a deal. 

Tank I definitely foresee future mediation or court days. DH and I talked about starting a savings for court stuff with how often it is occurring on our end and also so we will have money to push on things when the time is right. 

But I agree at the end of the day we are the adults and need to arrange what works for us and not constantly put the kids in the driver's seat. Which is something BM does with OSD consistently.