Stealing Finally Addressed
**sucking down a beer as I type-**
I couldn’t find a pair of earrings. I really thought SD13 had stolen them. I asked. She of course said “No.” I brought up (finally!) the stolen jewelry. I asked where it was.
“In that drawer” and she pointed.
“Try again,” I said.
“In my closet,” she answered.
”No, it isn’t in your closet. Because I found it and took it back. You just lied to me. You stole my jewelry, hid it for months and then just lied to me.”
SD13 makes her eyebrows jump like “Well, here we go. I only have 20 minutes of visit left here, so whatever.”
So then I verbally jump her. “Go to your room. Don’t you raise your eyebrows at me when you just admitted to stealing and hiding my property.”
Some time passes. Maybe 3 minutes. Enough time for DH to say he is glad this has been brought up, finally. We both agree that there isn’t much point because the Enough time for me to say, “I get why you feel there is not recourse.” And for us to look at each other and know we are in this together. “I’m not going to blame you for my guilt at getting angry with her, because I see why you have given up. There simply isn’t much to do beyond counseling.” Regardless, I’m angry. So I march into her room and say “You know, most people who steal from someone feel bad at least when they are caught. They apologize and feel awful. Don’t you think it’s odd that you feel no need to apologize?” I continue to have a long speech about why it is wrong to steal someone’s things. I make her repeat it back to me. The only answer she can come up with as to why stealing is wrong is “It isn’t mine.”
That’s it. No “because it made you sad.” No empathy whatsoever. No sympathy. Then I ask her if she is sorry. She says directly “No I don’t care.” wow some honesty! I almost jump up in glee!
A bit later on, she says hatefully to her saint of a father who has somehow remained calm enough to not ring her neck, “ I ONLY FEEL BAD WHEN I STEAL FROM CERTAIN PEOPLE, DAD!”
To which I laugh, “That is so many levels of screwed up I can’t even count them all. So because I love your dad, he loves me and not your mom anymore, it’s OK to steal from me? Wow.”
Then I proceed to tell her how there seem to be two versions of her. One version smiles to my face and has me do nice things for her. The other steals from me and doesn’t feel bad about it. “Guess which version I see when I look at you?” I say.
Her mother, the cause of this poor child’s lack of identity and pitiful social skills, made SD13 call and apologize to me. HA! I politely accepted, but guess what BM? I know you are secretly panicking. If your screwed up daughter acts screwed up in a public way like stealing, it will embarrass you. It will reflect on you. Your charade of loving her will come tumbling down. DH and I are stronger than ever. He is realistic about who is child is. He is realistic about her chances of beating and outgrowing the screwed up raising you’ve done. But qe will go to counselling anyway. Just so when SD13 is 22 and at rock bottom, wemll be able to live our lives without guilt. We will not be broken by your pitiful attempt at motherhood, you shameless worm.
SD13 is on the way to a BPD diagnosis in about 7 years. No doubt. We know you will abandon her as soon as she embarrasses you, and we wait for that fateful day. Because that will be the first time in that poor child’s life she is able to have her own thought without your relentless, soulless pressure to make you feel better about the hole that is your self esteem.
bottom line—this child is absolutely lost, stealing from me to earn brownie points with her mom. She will have an unhappy life. We will try to help her see the error of her ways with professional help. But we do not have much hope. I cannot keep DS away fromher, but I can teach him