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Treating the BM Like A Disease My DH Will Always Have

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

This morning I’ve been reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder from a narcissist’s point of view on Quora. Interesting stuff.

I’m pretty sure BM has NPD based on her actions, opinions of people who have known her for decades, and oh yeah, that little golden psyche report which came back “inconclusive” during the divorce. 

So I’ve been reading about things from this Narcissist’s point of view and I feel like it is helpful to do so. I like the gray rock method, but I also feel a need to reach a certain emotional conclusion about BM. I feel it will prepare me for the potential of SD13 becoming NPD also. Sort of an odd move on my part. But I wouldn’t be doing it if it didn’t make me feel somehow better.

Reading how sad and terrified a Narcissist is of abandonment, how miserable they are and how basicaly they are incapable of normal human connection makes me feel better. Sort of a “Ha!” I feel like BM isn’t just getting away with things. She is not exempt from the old wisdom, we reap what we sow. She is really pitiful. Not worthy of lasting anger. I mean, am I still angry at that ear infection I got years ago?

So beyond me feeling satisfied that she is making her own punishment for her continued wickedness, I am also able to privately begin to (verly slowly) forgive BM for how screwed up she is, the horror she made of her marriage to DH, and the theft she has committed against SD13. She can’t help it. She is literally functioning as less of a person. She lacks empathy. 

I’m doing this mental work for me so I can be my best for my family.

Comments

tog redux's picture

Link, please?

I try to remember too how miserable BM really is. She filed the most recent court petition on the 5 year anniversary of their divorce (both dates are on the petition) - which is not coincidence.  How bitter do you have to be to commemorate your divorce by heading down to Family Court? How miserable do you have to be to cling onto your 19-year-old son like he's your husband?

But still - she affects my life, and DH's and I don't like that. And she does not get consequences for the immoral and illegal things she does. 

My DH does actually have a chronic illness and that's MUCH easier to deal with than the chronic narcissist who clings to him.

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

https://www.quora.com/?digest_story=53685850

 

The Lucy woman answers a lot of questions. Very interesting stuff.

DH does ok at ignoring BM’s presence until she is taking him to court over nonsense. Then he gets annoyed. And angry. 

These BMs do get away with a lot. And it fing sucks for us. But they NEVER get to experience life fully. No matter the exotic vacation,  nice car, or even the attention from skids, these kinds of BMs are always empty. Anything appearing otherwise  is an elaborate lie and act. Sad.

Reminds me a lot of The Little Mermaid when Ursula steals Ariel’s voice. Even though Ursula is with the Prince, she cannot experience life like Ariel can. So she is still Ursula. She is trapped by her own heart.

nengooseus's picture

My BFF and and I referred to my mother as Ursula since we saw the movie in 1992!  

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

haha! 

tog redux's picture

Thanks for the link.

My DH is the same - he mostly doesn't care about her at all. He's ignored her entirely for years.  At this point, SS is basically PAS'd out, so he didn't have to deal with her at all until this little Divorce Bitterness CS Grab.  I do believe she is an NPD/BPD hybrid and she has also been formally diagnosed as Bipolar.

I can never feel pity for her, because as someone said below, she knows what she's doing - but I want to just not hate her or give her too much power to upset me.  I understand why she does what she does, but have no sympathy or forgiveness whatsoever.

susanm's picture

You are going to assume she was caused by demons and do a lot of chanting when she is around?  Is there chicken blood and burning of herbs involved?  Some people have all the fun!  Sad

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

no im assuming her lack of empathy was caused by trauma

Was your comment funny?

Want2's picture

I am glad you’re taking such a wise approach and doing the research. Are you referring to Sam Valkin? There are also many blogs for recovering from narcissistic abuse and they can be so helpful and informative.

I was married for 22 years to a true narcissist and his mother is one too. I see some signs of it in my own DD and work with her on developing empathy and a healthy sense of her own self worth so she doesn’t need to try to get it from others which those seem to be her weaknesses.

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

I havent heard of Sam. The person I read answers from is Lucy. 

That is so good that you are helping your DD. It is so scary to see this develop in kids. It isnt fair.

nengooseus's picture

He's VERY controversial in the NPD community.

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

Do you have any tips for how to encourage empathy in my SD13 who is being raised by screwed up BM? I’m not taking that role on, but I will pass any advice on to DH.

Want2's picture

I know it might sound counter intuitive to think a narcissist needs a sense of true self worth but when you understand the disorder and what a tragedy it really is you’ll see what is really happening in the narcissistic mind. They are very disordered people and lost souls. I am going to do everything in my power to save my daughter from the abyss AND without turning her into a codependent instead. I have faith that she is able achieve balance and lead a good and happy life. I hope the same for your SD

nengooseus's picture

Of course neither will ever be diagnosed, but all indicators point to it for both.  My therapist worked with me for years as if my mother carried the diagnosis and DH's therapist did the same with him.

I will say that the grey rock method is a great tool to have in your toolbox, but it's not the only method to use with a true narc.  Grey rock is to make them bored with you, which is awesome in some cases, but when you're dealing with kids' best interests, it isn't always a feasible option. We like to look for patterns of behavior.  We can link BM's bad behavior to things that happen in her life.  We know that when she's not annoying us, it's because she's preying on someone else.

Also, I understand that it can be comforting to pity the narcissist, and to think that they just can't help themselves.  That's not entirely the case.  When they want to lure their prey in, they can pretend to not be evil.  They can pretend to have reasonable emotions like normal people.  They just don't, and that makes their behavior a choice.  Do they have personal demons?  Yes.  Like all of us.  They just act on them differently.  Ultimately, they're bratty children who behave badly because it's what they want to do.

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

So to me it is less about pity and more about me figuring out how to be the most consistent emotionally in my house. I get so frustrated at BM’s behavior and I feel trapped. I feel violated by this soulless woman. I feel violated by her kids. But me stating my feelings doesn’t matter one bit because there is no empathy there.

So how do I figure this stuff out for myself so that I can be who I want to be? Forgiveness and pity for BM, as well as some serious protections put in place, willgive me that freedom and joy I used to feel without interruption when I woke up in the morning. The pity is a tool I think could be very useful. 

Even tho I have every reason to despise this woman, I recognize that it is affecting who I am and causing me pain because I never wanted to grow up to hate anyone. 

Want2's picture

I know it’s hard to pity evil and narcissists surely are capable of being evil. You mentioned emotional tools, I do think narcissists lack a lot of those. At least good ones, they seem to have an abundance of bad ones.

Now the problem becomes, can I blame someone who lacks tools for their poor choices? Tbh when it comes to my ex my first thought is hell yes he’s a shitty person and it’s all on him. But my second thought is who cares if he’s to blame, I fell for it and that’s on me. That’s what I can change, and try to help others change, is not to be scammed that way ever again.

Melanie Tonia Evans is a great blogger from Australia and her website is an amazing resource 

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

I will look her up. Thank you

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

We also have a HCBM who is most Def an undiagnosed NPD.  

What we have found that works - is not to care! If she makes demands such as wanting skids we say go for it. But when she wants to return them early the answer is no.

When she decides she wants to keep belongings we don't bat an eye. But when skids complain we redirect back to her.

If she decides it is my SO's responsibility to do something out of the norm he suddenly has previous plans and thanks her for doing it for him.

We also Grey rock. Get lots of messages that go unanswered and then finally SO will apologize and claim he was otherwise occupied. 

Basically we let her have at it. And you know what, out life is EASIER!

Just don't care.  And smile and apologize and wave. It drives the NPD insane! Like slap their new spouse insane LOL!!! 

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

I love this. Mainly because the endless emails BM sends DH. He is so focused on being honest that it is hard for him to say “oh sorry I was busy.” 

I have to remind him that we do not have to tell her much of anything at all. Respond to her like she is a corporate robot sending junk mail. Unless it is an emergency, there is no reason to call or text. But she couldnt understand that, so we blocked her number. 

Healyourslf's picture

Narcs. Boy are they crawling out of the woodwork in this day and age!  I've had my share of these "I'm the victim vampires" including BM and SD.  It's taken time, but "no contact" works wonders. One thing I am absolutely sure of is that you need to detach asap. Everyone has their own way of doing so, but the sooner...the better. Anyone who toys with the idea that they can fix and/or cure a Narc needs to check their own self. Even the most highly-trained clinicians will tell you that very few Narcs ever heal and change. 

Don't question your character, integrity and compassion. You do not need to be dependent on anyone else's approval, viewpoint, or feelings especially the Narc (and whoever they have triagulated into the situation).   

Stay firm with establishing boundaries, don't let them rattle you - learn to stay grounded and centered despite what they do, and don't let them get in your head.  Spend time, thought and energy creating and maintaining all the positives in your life.

In my awful experiences with Narcs, I always have to look at my shadow side. What buried aspects of myself make me susceptible to their manipulation/control...a.k.a. the need to please and be validated as "good."  (For me, this layer of onion went all the way back to childhood trauma and controlling parents.)  Every time a Narc finds their parasitic way into my life, and I have an issue detaching, I have to look at my own wounding and why I am even allowing them to drain my energy.  SD24 was using the two-edged empathy sword. I wanted SD to believe, "I was a good, loving person who welcomed her with open arms into our blended family."  Nope...she just amused herself using my empathy as a fulcrum for manipulation and control until I disengaged fully.  She and BM are currently in the midst of "divide and conquer" Narc strategies - triangulating whoever will listen to regain control over DH. We're giving them all the rope they need.

A thought...maybe your uneasy reaction is being triggered by unhealed parts of you - the Narc is bringing them to the surface and that's not a bad thing. Shadows are only present when the light is bright.  Whatever unconscious wounds remain within us always surface as external factors/influences. They are important, self-reflective lessons.

"I’m doing this mental work for me so I can be my best for my family."

Keep up the good work! 

 

 

 

Jcksjj's picture

This is great and super interesting information. Any resources on how to heal the things that make you more susceptible to manipulation?