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Boundaries. The real question is..

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

I may have hurt DH’s feelings, but the words poured out, the question, “Has anyone ever loved your children enough to tell then the truth?”

 The truth about their behavior, about their mother’s lack of a conscience? 

I’ll focus on SD13 because she is the one I actually have to be around regularly. But it isn’t her that gets to me. It is DH’s parenting. Yes, he does “tell” her to stop standing on his shoes, and he does “tell” her to stop sitting on his lap or to stop lying across him because she is too old for that, but always in a tone of voice that is so kind and reserved, nothing ever happens! She continues the behavior! IT WEIRDS PEOPLE OUT. 

And as for her theft of his and my property.. the excuse is “she didn’t sell it. She just took the things and stashed them in her closet for months. Is it really stealing?” And when I reply with an emphatic YES IT IS STILL STEALING, DH questions whether it should or how it could possibly be addressed because “What leverage do I have now that SD13 lives with her mom FT?”

 

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve procreated with a man who, despite all of his experience, doesn’t have the guts to actually parent a child. I swear, it’s like if SD13 is on auto-pilot polite mode, all is well to DH. It doesn’t matter if she just told horrible lies about him to CPS. Doesn’t matter if she has stolen. 

 

I swear it’s like he uses “kindness” as an excuse to be the buggest coward in the world wnd his children suffer for it. Because the ONLY strong personality they see every day is the coniving and wicked example of his EXW.

Anyway...

 

I am going to begin counseling so I can figure out how to care LESS about these children. Because my “checking in” emotionally to them gives me a lot of anxiety and anger towards my DH.

Comments

momjeans's picture

My immediate words of wisdom to you would be try not to  be so hard on yourself. 

Being a self aware empath has its downside, that’s for sure.

My DH’s oldest is a 12 year old, mini BM in the making, so I feel you in regards to this whole transparency thing, because the sooner the better for everyone

somethingwicked's picture

THIS question :Sometimes I wonder if I’ve procreated with a man who, despite all of his experience, doesn’t have the guts to actually parent a child. 

And your answer: 

I swear, it’s like if SD13 is on auto-pilot polite mode, all is well to DH. It doesn’t matter if she just told horrible lies about him to CPS. Doesn’t matter if she has stolen. 

I swear it’s like he uses “kindness” as an excuse to be the biggest coward in the world and his children suffer for it. Because the ONLY strong personality they see every day is the coniving and wicked example of his EXW.

And the positive conclusion of your Q &A:

I am going to begin counseling so I can figure out how to care LESS about these children. Because my “checking in” emotionally to them gives me a lot of anxiety and anger towards my DH.

 

Your DH may not change the way he deals with his children. And if he does  try it may take months maybe years before he figures out how he enables their disrespectful , rude and or obnoxious  behavior  and how detrimental his non action is to your union. .

In the meantime if you feel there is something important to salvage from your marriage and you do love him but hate his weakness and ,too,  how he allows his skids to  act like insufferable shit heads ,then change how you respond.

Therapy /counseling may give you the tools to reduce the stress and negative emotions that  these episodes of Disney Daddee pandering to his  manipulative spawn  induce in you.AND you may even want to encourage your DH ,too, to  attend.

Who knows ..he  may even be sick and tired of being a patsy to his adult skid but lacks the ability and testicular fortitude  to change his responses at this time.

Good luck!

Smile

 

Harry's picture

to change and if he does it will not be over night.  She will age out before he does anything. If he does not want her on his shoes, or on his lap. He would stop it.   He not stopping it.  He likes it.  You DH is not a bad or is not parenting, He like that relationship with his DD.  She is first, you are second 

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

Not only is your comment difficult to understand, it is not helpful. 

Chmmy's picture

I choose not to procreate with with my husband because of his awful parenting skills with the skids. He wants more...I have 2 grown and living on their own, he has 4 at home with us full time.

Also kindness or coward...DH is so afraid to stand up to the skids or BM

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

If I was smart, I would’ve trusted my younger self that made a disgusted face at the thought of getting with someone who already had children. My old self jsed to say “Why the heck would I want to have to deal with somebody else’s kids?”

 

Oh but I fell in love! Lol...

tog redux's picture

Time and again, people post here about how they fell in love with their DH because he was so "kind" and "gentle", and then a few years later, are incredibly frustrated with his inability to stand up to his kids or ex.  Seems like a common theme.

I would totally lose respect for a man who was intimidated by his own children, and refused to parent out of "kindness". That's a cop out - he's afraid of a little girl, is the bottom line. Afraid that if he acts like a parent, she won't love him anymore.  So he neglects her need for boundaries in favor of avoiding his own anxiety.

Notup4it's picture

I agree with tog. And it isn’t a matter of him “putting her first”, it is a matter of him being too afraid to parent and the consequences parenting could have on his “peaceful existence”. She isn’t there much so he doesn’t bother, and I will say that likewise maybe you are approaching it from too passive of a position as well?

He obviously sees the consequences from you as being less and easier to deal with. You could put a stop to it very easily.... you could say “you know what? I’m too grossed out to sleep with you with this behaviour going on- until it is rectified I’m going to sleep in the other room”. I would bet that that would change the behaviour immediately and how he approached it. “Nagging” or complaining does no good, back up your complaints with consequences. You don’t need to be emotional about it, if your requests aren’t heard sometimes you need to implement consequences for the behaviour to get your desired results, and provoke action.

i think that just like how he is approaching his DD incorrectly you are approaching it with him incorrectly as well.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

With many men, talking does no good. They have to feel the pain and discomfort in order to learn (if they ever do). Removing the emotion while implementing consequences would at least demonstrate that you won't tolerate this icky behavior.

The next time you witness inappropriate behavior between your H and his daughter, say nothing. Just move him to the couch. No discussion, argument or upset. Just put bedding out for him. When he asks wth is going on, be matter of fact and tell him that you are too disgusted and skeeved out to sleep with him. 

Oh, and try to get video of him and SD doing their sick little courtship ritual. You're not the first poster to come here with this problem, and I can think of one who was able to shock and effect change by showing the video to her H. Additionally, video evidence might come in handy  should you end up in a.custody battle down the road. Yes, the more I think of it, you should keep your phone on you and record as much of this as possible.

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

Your comment makes a lot of sense and it is empowering, even if it calls for something uncomfortable. *sigh* maybe this is what must be done. I don’t know. Lately I’ve been seriously considering just getting out and moving on. DH is not going to change. He does whatever whoever is putting the most pressure on him wants. It is that simple.

Chmmy's picture

You just described DH. Whoever is putting the most pressure on him in the moment

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

why don’t these men wake up?! They are fools.

Chmmy's picture

I agree too. These daddies dont care enough to parent. All my DH cares about is the moment and never thinks how their behaviors will affect their future.

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

She steals because she is adopted.

She has terrible physical boundaries because she wants attention and her mother doesn’t love her.

She wears your clothes because she admires you, not because she has poor boundaries. 

She tells lies about me because her mom made her. Etc etc etc

I can imagine the future.

 

She steals because she has low self esteem.

She does drugs because her mom didn’t love her.

Etc etc

 

 

Chmmy's picture

My brother is a social worker who works with foster kids who have been sexually abused. They have no physical boundaries. They are touchy and the wrong person will take advantage of that. Add low self esteem to that and she will be very taken advantage of sexually all because daddy doesn't want to set boundaries or rules or be unkind. The most unkind thing parents do is lack of parenting. Im a teacher & nanny and see it all the time. I quit teaching at 45 cuz i couldnt watch it anymore :(  Learn to parent people!

I raised 2 wonderful, smart kids and sometimes i thought i was too hard on them bit guess I wasnt

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

I just don’t know, if as I age and mature as a mother, if I am going to have the grace and patience to be kind to someone who everyone is supposed to feel sorry for because his EX was abusive, but who continues to cause his own issues with his sh$t head kids. 

I could, like, be alone and be perfectly content co-parenting my DS without ever having to see skids again. (Rarely if never). But I look at our standard of living and at how hard, yet stupidly, DH tries to “make me happy” and I think about how much time I would miss out on with DS if there was a divorce. And it seems more worth it to just “check out” emotionally and tell it like it is and then, never mention the truth again. Because that is the fight here. That is the problem. I SEE the truth and mention it. I nag the truth. But what good is it doing me? Not a whole lot.

Chmmy's picture

Divorce with kids sucks. If you can live there and not care do it. If you can't it will just frustate you.

Since we have no kids together Im in an easier place to leave or just stay away. I get constantly frustrated around DH & the skids. They live with us approx 80% of the time.