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Emotional Goals For Today

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

Well today is the second day in that LONG Christmas 1/2 break I’m sure many of you are feeling with your skids. 

When sd13 got here yesterday, DH asked her to apologize to me again for her theft and for the things she said to me. To which I responsed, “Ok. Thank you for your apology.” I don’t believe she is sorry. I believe she knows she is stuck here for 5 days and so she is acting right to prevent any discomfort.

I then told her that I visited her therapist and her therapist told me something I found hard to believe, that she steals from me because she “wants to be closer to me and that she is jealous of the baby.”

This child’s expressions are so nonexistent and flat it is impossible to tell what she is really thinking or feeling. She agreed (sort of with a head nod) that she is jealous of the baby and wants a closer relationship with me. I knew she would be aggreeable. It is a part of her survival mechanism she has learned in order to deal with her paycho BM. So I told her this—If you want a closer relationship with me, stealing will not do it. For all people, when you steal from them they will not give you more attention. They will give you less. They will turn away from you. So if you want more attention or baby-free attention, you should ask me or your dad for it and we will see if we can make it happen. (She will not ask for it though. She will simply complain to BM, so offering it on the condition she ask is more for our feelings.)

There I did the work and my conscious is clean. I gave another perceived “chance.” 

But let’s not kid ourselves Steptalkers, I was doing best with my disengagement and I will continue to be disengaged. So for my emotional goals today..

Allow your natural happiness to make SD13 believe she is back in my good graces and that all has been forgiven and forgotten. 

Remember that you do not have to tell her anything about your life. We can talk about books, the dog, or any other small talk subject. Do not ask her personal questions because her answers are false anyway or are simply repeated phrases.

Do not say anything negative to or about DH. If you find yourself getting frustrated with him, go visit family.  

You don’t have to be perfect and you are not perfect.

You don’t have to believe the nonsense.

You aren’t a bad person for trusting the person this kid has shown you she is. 

Be boring. It is a strength! Be boring and know that not sharing yourself fully is not dishonesty! It is safe!

Give up again on trying to instill values in this kid. The truth can handle its own business.



Harry's picture

again.  She steals, tells lies to CPS.  And you want to make friends with her ?  This kid is sick, Her therapist does not know what’s going on , that why he gave you this BS about wanting to be close to you,  all kids are jealous of the baby who with you 24/7 and get all the fun things .   

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

first off, thank you for all of your comments. I really appreciate them.

Yeah, I think you caught me on this and I’m glad you did. I do not need to “be SD’s friend”. I don’t even need to appear to be because that will feed into the idea that she can lie and steal from people and it is OK after you say sorry. But that is collateral damage and making her feel OK and forgiven js not my goal. My goal is self preservation.

So here’s my reasoning. I feel like my biggest anxiety in all of this is a feeling of invasion of privacy. Being around DH’s daughter means I am on distorted display. My mothering, my relationship with DH, and any other detail about me is reported back to mom, mixed with believable lies and then fed to the community at large. 

It drives me nuts. 

So in order for me to be as plain as possible, as “gray rock” and boring as possible, I need to appear as though I am unbothered by SD. Getting angry with her over her theft or lies is a reaction based in caring and in a mothering of her that we know is futile and pointless. So by being routine in my chipper attitude and having my happy game face on during her visits, I save myself from that hope for change in her. I save myself from caring enough to get angry and from caring enough to get pulled back in. This means I give her ZERO to report back to her mom. 

The lies will still be told, but they won’t be wrapped in truth details that make them believable. It’s as if BM is selling a ball of chicken salad covered in ice cream. It is all a lie but the more ice cream or “truth details”, I give her, the more bites it takes from people to realize she is full of chicken salad crap. 

Today I didnt feel like I had it in me to have that gameface on, so I took DS and left for the day. No guilt.

thinkthrice's picture

created by the BM ( and yes DH too)  by not introducing the concept of delayed gratification in her toddlerhood, thus producing entitlement and arrested emotional development.  I would brush up on handling the narcissist.   Lisa Romano? ( I think that is her name) does some great videos on narcissists on YouTube.  I hope SD looks good in orange.

Jcksjj's picture

It always blows my mind when I come on this site and find so many things dead on to my situation. My SD is the same. Very flat emotionally. So in control of her emotions that its creepy. I never know what shes really thinking or what she dislikes or what the truth is about anything because she always says exactly what she thinks the "right" answer is and that's it. I'm trying to be disengaged as much as possible but its nearly impossible living with her half the time and her being young. 

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

I always hope for a new kind of interaction, but this is how SD13 is without fail. It is so creepy and disconcerting. I used to think we were “close” and that she was imitating me out of that closeness. Now I just feel violated whenever she repeats what I say. It feels like theft.

Jcksjj's picture

It makes me uncomfortable as well.. theres just something so "off" about it that even when shes acting nice I feel really weird about it.

Ispofacto's picture

SD will be a narcissist like her BM.  There's nothing you can do about it.  She isn't your problem, she was never yours to save.  Think of her as a neighbor's kid.  Limit your contact.  Exposure to her or her BM is like drinking from a poisoned well.  Lock up your valuables.  Press charges.

Make sure DH agrees that she will be banned from your home by the time she is 18.  Then you will never have to see her again.

Focus on your own child, he will turn out great.