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cmd88's picture

Last night was a rough one... My future MIL and I got into a pretty heated argument. For almost two years now, my DBF's family had made it clear that they do not see me or my DD13 as family, which is fine, but how they would go about it, not inviting us to the family birthday parties, only calling to take SD12 which again, fine, DD isn't their family... It's honestly just the way they go about it. That make it really really obvious that even if me and DBF got married or had children together, that me and DD would never be a part of their family... I did something that I usually make fun of others about, I aired my dirty laundry on facebook.... well, kind of. I made a comment about being sick and tired of being excluded and my daughter being excluded and the poor treatment that came with it, but I didn't say names, but they all knew... I just blew up. I usually just bite my tongue and take it, but I just couldn't control my anger at that point. So, two days later I text future MIL and apologize profusely to her, and explained to her the reasoning behind my actions, even if posting it on facebook was wrong, I still expressed how her and the SIL's bad behavior was no longer going to be accepted. I would type everyting out on here, but it's just too much, so please don't be quick to judge because there's a lot of sh!t that they put us through to make us feel not accepted or welcome. I have done so much for my SD and have put up with a lot of crap from her, but still treated her well, made sure that everything I did was in her best interest, made she she was fed, clothed, felt loved, and she continued to sh!t on me, but I still took care of her and the in laws all know that, but still... My DD and I get treated like we are just garbage. 

DBF wants to have a big sit down with them, and their actions will decide if we are eloping or having a wedding here for everyone to attend. At this point, I just want to elope and not have them around anymore... DBF is at his witts end with just the females on his mom's side of the family. They do this to every gf that DBF has had in his life, and I just don't understand it? MIL even had a blended family and was a stepparent to others and she expected those kids to be included not excluded, so why is she acting this way? Why are my SIL's acting this way... they all grew up or are raising a blended family... So what's the problem here? I am usually pretty laid back, respectful, caring, loving, kind, and would give my shirt off my back to someone. They have also befriended BM so that they can take my SD whenever they want. even if SD is grounded.... They have always hated BM but now they are being all buddy buddy with her because BM has no rules for SD to follow besides SD being on a diet even though she is 60 pounds soak and wet.

My eyes hurt, I am weepy, depressed, angry, hurt... all the emotions wrapped up in one... I am to the point where I just want to disappear for a while and just having really bad thoughts about myself. No worries, I wouldn't end my life over something as foolish as what's going on, but I am just feeling really defeated right now and just needed to vent. 

Comments

ybarra357's picture

I could have written this post ten years ago.

Me and my children were also treated like garbage from DH family.  I don't agree with the FB posting, but I can understand where you're coming from.  It is painful to realize that the family hates you and treat you like complete crap and it's even worse if you have children.It isn't fair to them that they're treated like crap.  What is your DBF stance on the situation?  Does he ever speak up?  Stay quiet?  My DH was too chickensh!t to say anything to his cretin spawn so I stepped up, took back my power and told those MOFO's that I'm not going to tolerate their BS ever again.    And it's been glorious without them in my life.  My DH was horrified, but too effin bad.  

I guess you have a choice to make, on whether to continue this or not.

cmd88's picture

Are you and DH still together?  And yes, it is painful, but my DBF tells me that I shouldn't care if they like me or hate me because they aren't a part of our family unit. He has spoken with his a couple of his siblings about this issue, and his brother just told him the other day that there needs to be a sit down because it's only getting worse. So I guess DBF is planning on doing so... He wanted me to be present but I don't think that I can handle/take anymore of it. I know for a fake that 3 of his sisters, I do not want in my life because they are super toxic. As for his mother, I think that she and I can work things out, but we will see... She texted me this morning accepting my apology and saying that she was hurt by my post, but I had also told her that it was very wrong of me to air the dirty laundry out, BUT this has been going on for a couple of years now and I was acting out of anger... I still haven't got a response from her. I wanted to just meet up with her for coffee but last night she said she refused because she's just too angry with me.... I have literally done nothing wrong to her besides this facebook post, that literally just said, "I am tired of my daughter being excluded and I am tired of being excluded and am not taking this any longer." No, I should have just bit my tongue, but the mistreatment over the years and what happened last weekend just caused me to explode. I am not proud of it, but it was far less worse than what she in the sisters have put us through... I still owned up to my mistakes, but they have yet to own up to theirs. They always expect everyone else to apologize, but they never do when they do something wrong.

Survivingstephell's picture

Do you really want to subject you And your daughter to people like this?   Your future man does not know how to put boundaries is place. You should not be there fir this sit down and the only thing that needs to be made clear is that going forward they have a choice to make,  Either they respect his choice in a wife and treat her with respect or they can say goodbye to him.  He comes from a very dysfunctional family system.  One that will be very hard to deal with or escape.  Plenty of this story on here and most end up cutting off the family to survive.  The drama just isn't worth it.   Stop bending over backwards to fit into their system.  Your daughter is watching you and how you are handling this.  

stepmomnorth's picture

I agree because it doesn't feel right they just pretend her and DD are not part of the family at all. They are a family unit. I agree DBF should have a big sit down with them. Hopefully that goes well. 

cmd88's picture

We are either completely invisible to them, or if we are present, we get some dead stares, some glares, and heavy sighing. Like a, "What are you even doing here?" type of vibe... And I am fed up with it. I think DBF is either doing it tonight or as we speak... I am not sure. But he said he was going to. I shut my phone off because in case I get anymore rude messages, I don't want to have to read them while I am at work trying to hold it together..... 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I agree with Survivingstephell. I don't see what's so great about this damaged guy, or why you think this life you're not even happy with is worth it.

I've been married for decades to a man from a dysfunctional family, and the ONLY reason we're still together is because we are BOTH disengaged from his kids and siblings. I had the excuse of ignorance and naivity when I married; no internet, no books on stepping, grew up watching The Brady Bunch. And significantly, I had no children to factor into my decision.

You, however, have all the ugly laid out before you. You're up against multigeneratonal dysfunction, Relational Aggression, a high conflict BM, and a bf who's a lazy parent. Your bf doesn't protect you from BM OR his toxic family; he hasn't done any any work on himself, lacks self awareness, and wouldn't know a boundary if it hit him upside the head. You know his shi!!y family makes war against EVERY woman he brings around, and most importantly, THEY ARE CRUEL TO THE DAUGHTER YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT.

So, why do you keep trying with these people? Why are you even considering marrying into this mess, and why do you give two sh!ts about making peace with them? Why are you listening to ANYTHING your bf says when you can't trust his judgement because he's part of the dysfunction and the root of all your problems? Why are you subjecting your child to this chaos??

Have you sat down and really thought through how this story will go for you and your daughter if you do marry into this freak show? How long do you honestly think your relationship will last before you resent him more than you love him? Do you want this man so much that you're willing to subject your daughter to dysfunction, ongoing drama, and repeated rejection just to have him? You'll be teaching her she's less than instead of demonstrating strength and high standards in relationships.

Most women wouldn't touch this guy with a ten foot pole, let alone marry him. Please, PLEASE slow down and take marriage off the table for now. If you're not ready to leave him, at least insist on premarital counseling - and make it his responsibility to set it up. Stop communicating with BM - she's not your friend and it's not your job. Stop communicating with your bf's toxic family - that's his baggage, and he needs to handle it. Read up on Disengaging, Relational Aggression, toxic families and the FOG - fear, obligation, and guilt - that keeps members participating in the dysfunction.

I know I'm being really blunt, but I hope you'll take what we're all saying on board and stick around StepTalk. Think it over, do the research, and ask us questions. Your daughter and you deserve to be happy and well treated, but it can be hard to recognize what you're up against if you've never been exposed to such toxicity before.

cmd88's picture

I have been exposed to toxicity before, hence why I am so effed up myself and constantly feel like I need to people please. It kind of sounds like my parenting is being judged here, and I will tell you something, I am a good parent and raised my daughter by myself, no help for 13 years. She has turned out great, she's very sweet natured, strong, and smart. And my boyfriend is a good man, like I said, I don't have the energy nor the time to explain that to anyone, just my current frustrations. And like I stated before, he's already dealing with issue. I spoke my peace and that's all I can do from here. He is already telling them if they can't get their sh!t straight and start respecting out family, then they do not have to be part of it. Plain and simple. He is not a monster like people are painting him to be. Just because I, what? Very rarely vent on here about him or his family, everyone is only seeing a smidge of what I deal with, and he does stick up for me without even asking. We all have our faults here, every single one of us, just because we do not handle situations the same as everyone on here, doesn't mean our SO's are pieces of crap.... Things are being handled, I just really needed to vent and now I am definitely regretting that decision because it's actually making me feel worse. 

stepmomnorth's picture

I would ignore the negative comments, youre on here in a tough spot and we've all been there. The fact that your partner cares and is going to have a talk with them speaks volumes to me. This is what a good partner is. He sees something is wrong and is standing up for you. That's what a good partner is and a good partner does. 

ESMOD's picture

I think you need to decide what you want to see happen... and then see if it's something that is possible.

You say that your DD is excluded..are you talking about large "family events".. where your BF is included? or are you talking about kid parties where his daughter is invited but not yours.  I think you and your daughter should be included in the larger scale "family invites".. but I'm not as concrete on her being included on grandmother shopping dates with his mom... Blending is a mix of being included in some things.. but maybe not all.

I mean.. we all see here often the SP doesn't want their SK included in "everything".. want to vacation without the kid etc.. So, why would we automatically expect that all of our partner's family start treating our bio child as equal to the SC that is biologically related to them.  Like everyone buys your daughter the "same" gifts that SD gets etc.. because theoretically.. your DD would have family that would dote on her in the way that SD is doted on by her family extensions.. so it's not always equal.. but it's just how it works out.  They are SD's family.. and while they can be nice.. and be more inclusive of your DD.. they don't have to.

But.. then again.. you don't have to have a big wedding and invite all these people if you don't see them being kind to you and your daughter.. and if your STBFiance wants to suck up to people that are not nice to you or your daughter.. would you really want to marry him anyway?

cmd88's picture

Yes I am talking to large events, and birthday parties that just my DBF and SD12 are invited to. Like I said, there was too much to type about everything. Do I think that they need to take my DD everywhere? No, but they do this shit intentionally and single people out to make them feel like crap. I know what a blended family is, I know the expecatations, I grew up in one. All I am asking is from some respect from them, even if they are not fond of us, they don't have to be jerks all of the time and then go and try to make my DD feel like absolute garbage.  And I am not one of those stepparents that want a bunch of vacations without either one of my children, she may be a stepchild and a brat most of the time, but I consider her as one of my own. Do I want to take vacations with just my DBF sometimes, yes, but when it comes to other vacations, I include both of my girls. I am not expecting his family to give bigger gifts or more gifts, but it does NOT hurt to be respectful and nice, instead of snotty twatwaffles... just sayin' 

And I get what you mean by them not having to be nice, but if they are in my house, they will have to respect me and my daughter, plain and simple. And yes, my DBF is having a sit down with them to pretty much give them the option to knock it off so we can move forward, or continue whatever that is that they are trying to continue, without us. 

ESMOD's picture

Are these family events attended by other Significant Others?  Is there an assumption you would be included as his wife.. but not GF?  (some families do make that distinction.. but if you are living together and engaged..)

I would question why your BF hasn't already made a point of telling his family that if they invite HIM.. that you are coming with him. period... or he doesn't come at all.

cmd88's picture

He ends up not showing up to those events, or just dropping gifts/food off and then leaving. Yes we live together and yes other significant others and wives and husbands and friends all get invited. 

TrueNorth77's picture

Although my MIL and one of my SIL's can be real pieces of work sometimes, luckily it isn't like this- Still, I feel for you, and I can absolutely relate to the urge to run away from it all (Step life). No good advice, but hoping you find a solution that makes it all less stressful!

CLove's picture

You BF definitely needs to draw up boundaries and let them know that their behavior is not acceptable. Excluding you from events and treating you and your child like garbage go beyond the "includes" with SD. Sure SD is their "blood", but treating you badly and SD treating you badly needs to stop.

This lands squarely on your BF. And stop prostrating yourself to MIL. Either she accepts your apology and moves forward or she doesnt.

Sorry you are going through this. This too shall pass.

cmd88's picture

Thank you! Well, it sure is passing like a kidney stone, but you are right. That's what my mom always tells me, "This too shall pass." And I believe DBF is doing so right now or later on tonight, not sure. Shut my phone off for today while i'm at work as I have a ton of meetings to power through and a lot of deadlines to focus on. And during my breaks I go on here because right now, that's the only thing keeping me together. My eyes are swollen from crying last night and I feel like absolute hell. 

CLove's picture

Neither you nor your child deserver any of this shite. Good that he is taking a stand. And realizing that you are not the problem, THEY are the problem. I doubt that things will change, but the fact that he is standing up to them is HUGE. And now you will need to create and enforce boundaries. SD - shes 13. Thats a bad age. 15 is worse, but this is where her father needs to reign it in HARD, because she is ganging up on you with the in-laws and they are going around the father and going through the mother.

They sound like Trolls in their little cave. Just creat a beautiful life for yourself and daughter. You dont have to "love sd as you love your own", but you can love her in your own way.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Your DBF family are mean mean mean. Tell his momma she is just too dang old for the mean girl part...except she is not too old  or his sisters. Thats who they are. Just reading about them makes me cringe.

Hun these people are not worth your time and attention. Keep away from them, toxic people rarely change. Keep your DD away too. This will kill her self esteem. 

Its good that your DBF will sit down and have a talk with them. Honestly though toxic rarely changes. Toxic starts acting like the victim and making you out to be the problem. They will use the social media post as their crutch til the end of time. Hell I dont blame you for doing that. Their toxic asses should be bared! SD will feed on that too, so more shit behavior to be expected. Your DBF will correct her, but it will never go away.

You deserve to be surrounded by your people, and your DBF family are not your people.

Think about what you want for you and your DD . 

Blessings

 

cmd88's picture

I could write a book about those 4... DBF does call them old hags because the mom and 2 sisters all live together, no boyfriends, and they just sit in the house unless there's a holiday, wedding, or some event happening, then they will come out... See. MIL was nice to me at first...well kind of, she wouldn't really acknowledge me until she got a little wine in her, and then after a while, I would just say something first to try and have a conversation with her, and she did help out with a fundraising event I was holding for the Hospice house... but then like not even a month went by and it was like a flip of a switch.... she just started trying to exclude us out of mostly everything, and saying people who weren't he actually family, were her family, and then would not even call me or my daughter her family, even though eventually we somewhat will be, so yeah it hurt... Then the wonderful SIL's started their crap and it continues to go downhill since... Past couple of months have been the worst... At my DD's birthday, I invited his family, MIL shows up with gifts for all of her grandchildren to open on MY DD's birthday so that they didn't feel left out.... How low is that? Am I wrong for being pissed about that?? 

Anyway, you are right, it is not worth my time or attention, and luckily my DD is pretty resiliant or however you spell it, lol and has been over it for a while. She just calls my SD, the "golden child" when she speaks about her.... lol She is pretty mature for only being 13 and knows that we won't go where we aren't wanted... Toxic doesn't change, I find it very hard to believe that they will change and yep, they will act like they're the victims and I am a monster. DBF keeps saying that they have always been like that but he is surprised on his mother's actions, but he also said maybe he was just blind to it, but the older he gets, the more he realizes the these people aren't as good as people as he thought they were. He is totally fine with not having those 4 in our lives, but at the same time, even though he says that, I am worried about him possibly resenting me down the road you know?

And their actions have already started effecting SD's attitude, she is A LOT more mouthy and snotty towards not only me, but to DBF on and off... But I would say moreso with me... DBF has been setting her straight, but then like 5 minutes later she will turn around and continue to be a snot to me. I told him that I was disengaging because it's causing us issues and I don't want some 12 year old trying to bust up our family just because her aunties and grandmother are telling her to do so... or maybe she just is a little brat, shes kind of been this way for over a year now... *Shrugs* 

Ispofacto's picture

DH's sister is a twat and I finally decided I will not see her anymore aside from large weddings or whatnot.

Even if they claim to understand, I wouldn't expect any improvement from them at this point, they have shown you who they are.  It is disappointing, because being nice really doesn't cost anything, and there is no reason for them to behave this way.

 

Bee_kay's picture

Did you begin dating your SO before his relationship with his BM was over? Did they know you before you and your SO became a couple? 
 

I ask because it seems as though they dislike you and they are rejecting your DD by default. (It would be weird to invite your SO, SD and DD to a family event, and then not invite you.) 

I am not trying to excuse their behavior, but if there is an underlying reason why they are behaving this way, the issue should be addressed. Maybe then there will peace between you. 

cmd88's picture

No. They have been broken up since SD was 2 years old because she cheated on him and is just overall a terrrible person. DBF was not seeing anyone when we started dating. They did not know me before me and my SO became a couple. I had met them about a month into our relationship at his sisters graduation party. Very first time meeting any of them. 

You got me?! lol... But MIL and I are better now, but as for the sisters... nope, still in a bad place.