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It's been awhile...

cmd88's picture

Hey everyone!

It's been a few months since I have been on this. A lot has been going on. First and foremost, I am now engaged! My now fiance' proposed to me on August 15th. Happy news right? We think so, but as for the wonderful future in laws, none of them congratualated us. My SD13 did not congratulate us either.

So, as you can read, I am having a few issues. Everyone on here has always gave great advice. To remind everyone who has followed my blogs, you all know that back in January my future SIL and I got into it when we were on family vacation. We were best friends up until that week we all had to spend together in a cabin. The way I reacted to her b**chiness was not the way to go, since I just kind of tried staying out of the way or sitting in my room, yes on a beautiful vacation that I spent over $1,000.00 to be on. Anyway... move forward to Easter. My fiance's family stopped invited he, me, and my DD13 to events. Easter came around and MIL invited every single person besides me and my daughter, (as my fiance' was out of town for the week). Which everything leading up to that caused me to blow, and without saying any names, I had posted on FB how I was tired of my DD13 being treated unkindly and be constantly left out. I left it there for about 10 minutes and removed it. Yes, I know, stupid way to react instead of going directly to the source...

I apologized several times, and no responses from anyone. I explained that I was reacting because I was tired of being excluded and my daughter being excluded and just overall treated like dirt. Yes, you have all said, well, we aren't family, so why include us, right? But it wasn't just family that they were inviting... so please, do not get that twisted. Anyway, I have apologized on numerous occasions to everyone. The MIL seemed to get past it for the time being... A few more months go by, and my fiance' had proposed to me. We didn't tell anyone in his family because of the continous mistreatment they were giving me and my DD and even my fiance'. We did however go pick up SD13 and take her to get icecream and tell her the news.... she was not happy. She rolled her eyes, and we asked what she thought, and she said, "I don't know." Now you all know from reading my past blogs that she is not the easiest and has given me a run for my money on several occasions... I have been nothing but nice to her even when she treats me like absolute garbage... We get into the icecream store and she starts tearing up and not talking to any of us... We were able to lighten the mood a little before dropping her off at BM's... So we dropped her off and get a text from BM asking why SD13 was so upset, then she saw our announcement on facebook and said, "Oh nm, she will get over it eventually, congrats." 

Next day was MIL's bday and I was out with a friend having dinner, and MIL, SIL's, SD13, neices & nephews and other in laws all showed up and saw me, and glared at me... my friend was even like, " you want to leave?" So not even my fiance' got invited to my MIL's bday dinner, but they picked up SD13 without his consent... We let that go, and invited everyone to SD13's bday party... Still no congrats from anyone on our engagement and the ones who did not respond to the invite, showed up anyway, came in, grabbed cake and turned their backs on both of us, ate, and left. MIL showed up, asked where the cake was, where we got it, ate it and left. We have a family event coming up this Sunday that they do every year, and the "nice" SIL asked if we were going and my fiance' said by the way things are going, we probably won't attend this year. She asked to call him and he had her on speaker and she basically said the reason no one said congrats to us is because they aren't happy about it. And that SD has been saying that my fiance' always chooses me over her. Which is not true, and I do everything for SD. I take her putt putt golfing when I have her and my fiance' is at work. I watch movies with her, get her snacks she wants, things she needs at the house. We all do things together when we aren't busy with work or other things that need our attention. And still, I am the villian and now SD is telling the SIL's and MIL that I am basically pushing her out, after everything I do, that I really do not have to do. 

I am just venting here, and I will proabably get a lot of negative comments, but there is far too much to post in here to fully go into depth at how badly they treat me and the rest of our family. My fiance' has stuck up for us plenty of times without me asking because he doesn't agree with their behavior.  SD has become quite snotty, and cries about everything. I am at my witts end with them and I have tried numerous times to try and mend things. And I know I will have comments on here to just say to leave, but I am not going to do that. Because I love my fiance', my SD even though she is becoming more and more of a brat and his family being the way they are, is not going to make me throw everything that we have away. I just don't know what to do to try and settle things down with them. Should I just stop trying? 

Positive vibes here please... Just pretty lost right now.


JRI's picture

You're not alone.  When DH85 and I married after living together 2 years, we did not receive one "Congratulations" from either his nor my family and that was a marriage, not an engagement.  We received exactly one wedding gift, a set of towels from my grandmother.  My SD, then living with BM, ran away the week we eloped to Las Vegas.

But, you know what?  We were adults and knew what we were doing.  We've been married 48 years now.

So, I'd put his whole family out of your mind.  You and your fiance have chosen to make your life together.  Of course, SD will be a part of your life as long as he lives.  Its probably natural for a 13-year old girl to have hesitations about her dad getting remarried.  BM had a good response, may it continue. 

You sound like a person who would like to be part of that family but it's not happening now.  I'd disengage from them and focus on your fiance, DD and helping your SD to adapt.  If she doesn't, that will be a post for another day but I'd call this a transition period.

Good luck and Congratulations!


Aniki-Moderator's picture


If SnottyD is telling everyone all of that? I'd jump on the Disengagement Train asap.

cmd88's picture

She sure is... FH's "nice" sister said that there are things that HE is unaware of as to why they hate me so much, she kept beating around the bush and finally said that SD said that FH chooses me over her and we never do things with SD. And then the "nice" sister went on about our family vacation we were on and the FB post on Easter, and kept yelling, " Well, YOUR girlfriend!" just stupid crap like that when all this time I thought she was the only sister that liked me... guess I was wrong. And as for SD yeah, I have been starting to just distance myself and do my own thing. I will still have conversations with her and joke around on and off. But, still I am the evil stepmother who is starting to grow a wart on my nose I guess... lol

Cover1W's picture

And with that you are done interacting with his family. No questions, no conversation, no posts (remove them from you social media contacts), no invitations to events from you and no accepting them. If communication is needed it's done only by your SO. Disengage.

As for your SD, also disengage. She thinks you do nothing for her? At 13 she's old enough to see what doing nothing really is. No more fun stuff and treats from you. If you need to discuss it with your SO tell him you don't do things for people that treat you and yours poorly. My DH understands this but he wouldn't understand "disengaging."

CLove's picture

A few thoughts:

I would disengage from doing so much for SD13. Be nice, but if she is telling everyone you dont do these things that you have done, then you should just stop. Unless you get something from it...but if you dont want to go that route, take LOADS of pictures/videos of a happy SD13 enjoying these things and post on FB, tagging all your FH family Biggrin

We eloped and SD16 then 12 cried to her mother who then raked husband over the coals. To my mind, now, it was alot of sour grapes. Toxic Trolls father had to coerce Husband to marry her after 2 kids. He was a renter. Bad credit score. He has improved his life since then, with me, and everyone in Husbands family sees that and appreciates that.

I hope that your FH's family does a sounds like they are toxic and using SD13's assertions that you are the evil stepmother-to-be as an excuse to treat you badly. I would focus on your marriage and your bio, as well as YOUR family if applicable. YOUR life. They can rot for how they have treated you. All this year being total horrible jerks, and without remorse or even coming to your FH, to find out the truth of things.

Enjoy the life you are building with your bio and FH. Biggrin


cmd88's picture

It's definitely been a horrible year when it comes to them, that's for certain. We are trying to actually build on to our family, I think that's why I am letting it really weigh me down in this present moment. If we end up pregnant, they will probably continue and it's just going to keep stressing me out. I know I shouldn't let their actions and thoughts effect me and my family, just right now it's like wtf? But you're right, I am definitely going to disengage, or if we do fun things, I will do just that and post pictures of all of us and SD and tag their asses. Good idea, lol 

I don't think they will change, only seems to be getting worse. It's unfortunate, but it is what it is.

Survivingstephell's picture

What is FDH doing about all of this? You didn't mention him at all.  Does he have your back? Can he stand up to family ?  

cmd88's picture

I mentioned him at the bottom of my blog. He has stuck up for me/us as a family and keeps saying we don't need them in our lives. Which yeah is nice and all but sucks at the same time. It's been almost a year of this crap and they still continue to be this way. He has done phone calls, sit downs, you name it. He's tried having sit downs with the sisters and they refuse. So yes he has my back, but I can't shake this because we still have to go to events where they're involved and it's just absolutely uncomfortable for the both of us. 2 weekends ago we went to his cousins wedding and they were all there being b**ches and we ended up calling it an early night and going back to our hotel. I just don't understand how they can sleep at night knowing that they are just very crappy people. This isn't the first time they have done this.

simifan's picture

They don't like you because of the LIES SD is telling. What has DH done to address this with his daughter? 

ESMOD's picture

Honestly, the issues with his family would seem to be so toxic that "no contact" would be the order of the day for your family.  Does your Fiance still keep in contact with his family despite their absolute horrible treatment of his soon to be wife and her daughter?

To be clear.. here are the things that are within someone else's rights.

1.  They have a party or event.. they can pick the guest list and include.. or exclude whoever they want.. family or not.

2.  If BM gives them permission to have her at one of their events on mom's time?  again.. that is not generally something that he may be able to control.

BUT.. YOU two do not have to keep coming for scraps.  There is zero way I would ahve invited any of his family or their minions to SD's party.  If they want to celebrate her? they can do it on their own time and dime.  You just opened up your self and your daughter to more cold shoulder treatment.

Unfortunately, it seems the cabin incident has grown legs... they don't like you.  they don't approve of you.  and you know what? that's fine.. they don't have to.. they don't have to invite you or be nice to your daughter.. but you don't have to keep giving them open opportunity to hurt you.

What you can do is expect your DH to draw a line in the sand that they don't get access to him if they exclude his soon to be wife and child. not just stick up for you.. but estrange himself from them if they are behaving toxically.

He also parents his daughter and calls her out on her story telling.

HOnestly.. this is likely to impact a lot of your future if he can't or won't cut ties.. definitely think this through carefully.


cmd88's picture

You're exactly right. We have our engagement party coming up in October, and I have no intentions on inviting them. Why invite people that aren't even happy for us? For what? To ruin another day of ours or try to?  I am just letting it bother me way too much this week because we have that invitational that we are having to go to. We are on a team that has other family members from the fathers side, which is nice because we connect well with them, but afterward we have to sit there for the awards all together and it usually is a drunken fest and I am just really anxious about it. I am not drinking currently because we are also trying for another child, so I won't even have my liquid courage to kind of help me out lol.. .Just freaking out a little because of all the shit they have done and the amount of people they have had turn on us... No they definitely do not like or approve of me ever since that incident and the crap that went down, was more so the SIL throwing a fit and then having everyone else be bitches. They follow her lead with everyone. She doesn't like someone, neither do they.... I don't think I will ever understand that. She is even nasty with her own stepchildren who are fully grown and actually very nice... And yes, again you are right, it's going to impact a lot of our future if this can't get settled. I am not asking them to like me, I am just asking them to respect me as I do them even though they do not deserve it, if not, I just don't want them in my life which sadly, is probably what's going to happen. At least it will shorten up our wedding guest list a bit.....*shrugs* bad joke, I know... 

Winterglow's picture

Listen to your FDH. He's ready to wash his hands of his family so follow his lead. You've already gone above and beyond, it's time to drop the rope. They don't deserve either of you. Disengage completely and savour the freedom! 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

I am so sorry to hear about his family, sounds super toxic. Your SD13 is a teenager and her reaction does not surprise me at all. As for your DH's family, I would stop trying with them and make them make amends down the road if they want to fix the relationship. If your DH is okay putting distance between you all and them would definitely be a good idea. If he doesn't want to do that, then that will be something you both need to work through. It is good he is standing up for you and don't let their negativity ruin the happiness of your engagement. Even BM said it, that SD13 will get over it. 

My DH's family is majority toxic, so we only have a relationship with his father and his one brother. Everyone else is drama and toxic so my DH had stopped having a relationship with those members of his family before I came in the picture. There are a few toxic members who have tried to worm their way into our lives while we have been together and it has all ended the same of them not being in our lives because they haven't changed. None of them have been toxic to me and our relationship. The only negative interaction I have had with any of them is when DH's brother's fiance tried to befriend me to get the cousins together after already tried through FIL and then tried BM. When I told her we weren't interested politely, she then went on to say DH not having a relationship with his brother is stupid and then the brother got on and said tell my brother to fuck off and enjoy our lives and we clearly deserve each other............ This interaction just proved DH made the right decision long ago.

Shieldmaiden's picture

Yes, you are the stepmom, so you will always be cast as the villian, no matter what you do. Don't let the immature actions of this family goad you into an outburst, or bad behavior. They will certainly try to get you to play the villain. Its hard. I have been there. I bottled up my emotions until I was in tears, and all it did was make me into someone that NO ONE wanted to be around.

What you CAN do is NOT create more drama by reacting to their insults. Don't use facebook unless its private and you only have close friends who understand your situation. In that case it is your place to vent and not get shat on. Otherwise, you are just setting yourself up for failure. I learned this the hard way, too.  

You can also avoid places and situations that have the a-hole family members attending. You can demand respect in your own home from SO and SD. With SD, remember that she is just a kid, and her BM may be telling her things about you that arent true, and she may feel obligated by her loyalty to believe them. Eventually, she will grow up and figure it out. In the meantime, don't say anything negative about her mom to her, (even though it may be true) and try to engage her in positive conversations about "safe" topics like school and her friends. 

I would let your SO handle as much of  the parenting stuff as possible. If it gets to the point where you need to disengage from SD because of her behavior, then do it. Also - I had a weekly therapist that I talked to for support, when my SD's were young. It really helped. Good luck.


Harry's picture

DH family don't like you or more they really like BM and there granddaughters.  And know they can't have both of you at an event. They choose BM and keep you away. 
you must disengage,  this is the way it's going to be. They don't want to be bothered with you and your DD. Sho why care.  Who needs family like that

cmd88's picture

They actually hate BM but my DH told his family if they aren't going to start treating us better that he was going to stop coming over and visiting with them with SD. So in turn, they went behind his back and waiting until BM had SD and then would ask to take her so they could get time with her. BM doesn't go to any of the events, nor is invited. They have always hated her too, and they have always hated any GF's that DH has had... so at this point it's inevitable. 

And you're right, I don't need family like that, neither does my daughter. Just kind of stings right now because there is an event we all have to go to and they will all be there this Sunday... just getting anxious.

la_dulce_vida's picture


Path to happiness:

#1 What his family thinks doesn't matter - ignore. You don't need their approval or acceptance of your relationship/marriage. Cut them out - disengage. They no longer matter.

#2 Block them all on social media and block anyone who knows or is friends with them (spies). Keep your profile private and keep things you really don't want them to know off social media.

#3 Block them all from your phone and email. If they reach out - ignore.

#4 Build your new family and focus on your bio family or a circle of friends you've chosen as your family. You get to decide who is family.

#5 STOP APOLOGIZING for what you did on vacation. You were pushed past reasonable limits. Forgive yourself and no more defending or apologizing.


Catmom024's picture

I tried to get along with my SO's family.   His mother and sister hate any female who comes into the family.   They worship his daughter who ran around telling everyone I made up lies about her to try to get her into trouble.  No, did that yourself due to drugs, stealing and forgery.  

One day the mother and sister ganged up on me at a family get together and accused me of saying something I never said.  They caused a scene.  Of course my SO was outside and didn't hear any of it...imagine that.  It was over something stupid...but they showed their true colors.  I don't need that in my life.

I haven't spoken to them in years.   My SO stopped speaking to his sister until recently because their mother is now in assisted living. It's sickening to hear him kissing her butt over the phone.  He said he couldn't cut ties with his mother, but only saw her on her birthday and mother's day.   She didn't care that how she treated me and her refusal to apologize meant she saw a lot less of her son.

I have no regrets...except for being so nice but that's my nature.   This whole step world was new territory to me back then and I stupidly thought if I were nice to people,  they'd be nice in return.   Wrong.  Step world is a nasty place.