You're not alone.  When DH85 and I married after living together 2 years, we did not receive one "Congratulations" from either his nor my family and that was a marriage, not an engagement.  We received exactly one wedding gift, a set of towels from my grandmother.  My SD, then living with BM, ran away the week we eloped to Las Vegas.

But, you know what?  We were adults and knew what we were doing.  We've been married 48 years now.

So, I'd put his whole family out of your mind.  You and your fiance have chosen to make your life together.  Of course, SD will be a part of your life as long as he lives.  Its probably natural for a 13-year old girl to have hesitations about her dad getting remarried.  BM had a good response, may it continue. 

You sound like a person who would like to be part of that family but it's not happening now.  I'd disengage from them and focus on your fiance, DD and helping your SD to adapt.  If she doesn't, that will be a post for another day but I'd call this a transition period.

Good luck and Congratulations!

Congratulations!!!

If SnottyD is telling everyone all of that? I'd jump on the Disengagement Train asap.

A few thoughts:

I would disengage from doing so much for SD13. Be nice, but if she is telling everyone you dont do these things that you have done, then you should just stop. Unless you get something from it...but if you dont want to go that route, take LOADS of pictures/videos of a happy SD13 enjoying these things and post on FB, tagging all your FH family

We eloped and SD16 then 12 cried to her mother who then raked husband over the coals. To my mind, now, it was alot of sour grapes. Toxic Trolls father had to coerce Husband to marry her after 2 kids. He was a renter. Bad credit score. He has improved his life since then, with me, and everyone in Husbands family sees that and appreciates that.

I hope that your FH's family does a turnaround...it sounds like they are toxic and using SD13's assertions that you are the evil stepmother-to-be as an excuse to treat you badly. I would focus on your marriage and your bio, as well as YOUR family if applicable. YOUR life. They can rot for how they have treated you. All this year being total horrible jerks, and without remorse or even coming to your FH, to find out the truth of things.

Enjoy the life you are building with your bio and FH.

What is FDH doing about all of this? You didn't mention him at all.  Does he have your back? Can he stand up to family ?  

Honestly, the issues with his family would seem to be so toxic that "no contact" would be the order of the day for your family.  Does your Fiance still keep in contact with his family despite their absolute horrible treatment of his soon to be wife and her daughter?

To be clear.. here are the things that are within someone else's rights.

1.  They have a party or event.. they can pick the guest list and include.. or exclude whoever they want.. family or not.

2.  If BM gives them permission to have her at one of their events on mom's time?  again.. that is not generally something that he may be able to control.

BUT.. YOU two do not have to keep coming for scraps.  There is zero way I would ahve invited any of his family or their minions to SD's party.  If they want to celebrate her? they can do it on their own time and dime.  You just opened up your self and your daughter to more cold shoulder treatment.

Unfortunately, it seems the cabin incident has grown legs... they don't like you.  they don't approve of you.  and you know what? that's fine.. they don't have to.. they don't have to invite you or be nice to your daughter.. but you don't have to keep giving them open opportunity to hurt you.

What you can do is expect your DH to draw a line in the sand that they don't get access to him if they exclude his soon to be wife and child. not just stick up for you.. but estrange himself from them if they are behaving toxically.

He also parents his daughter and calls her out on her story telling.

HOnestly.. this is likely to impact a lot of your future if he can't or won't cut ties.. definitely think this through carefully.

Listen to your FDH. He's ready to wash his hands of his family so follow his lead. You've already gone above and beyond, it's time to drop the rope. They don't deserve either of you. Disengage completely and savour the freedom! 

I am so sorry to hear about his family, sounds super toxic. Your SD13 is a teenager and her reaction does not surprise me at all. As for your DH's family, I would stop trying with them and make them make amends down the road if they want to fix the relationship. If your DH is okay putting distance between you all and them would definitely be a good idea. If he doesn't want to do that, then that will be something you both need to work through. It is good he is standing up for you and don't let their negativity ruin the happiness of your engagement. Even BM said it, that SD13 will get over it. 

My DH's family is majority toxic, so we only have a relationship with his father and his one brother. Everyone else is drama and toxic so my DH had stopped having a relationship with those members of his family before I came in the picture. There are a few toxic members who have tried to worm their way into our lives while we have been together and it has all ended the same of them not being in our lives because they haven't changed. None of them have been toxic to me and our relationship. The only negative interaction I have had with any of them is when DH's brother's fiance tried to befriend me to get the cousins together after already tried through FIL and then tried BM. When I told her we weren't interested politely, she then went on to say DH not having a relationship with his brother is stupid and then the brother got on and said tell my brother to fuck off and enjoy our lives and we clearly deserve each other............ This interaction just proved DH made the right decision long ago.

Yes, you are the stepmom, so you will always be cast as the villian, no matter what you do. Don't let the immature actions of this family goad you into an outburst, or bad behavior. They will certainly try to get you to play the villain. Its hard. I have been there. I bottled up my emotions until I was in tears, and all it did was make me into someone that NO ONE wanted to be around.

What you CAN do is NOT create more drama by reacting to their insults. Don't use facebook unless its private and you only have close friends who understand your situation. In that case it is your place to vent and not get shat on. Otherwise, you are just setting yourself up for failure. I learned this the hard way, too.  

You can also avoid places and situations that have the a-hole family members attending. You can demand respect in your own home from SO and SD. With SD, remember that she is just a kid, and her BM may be telling her things about you that arent true, and she may feel obligated by her loyalty to believe them. Eventually, she will grow up and figure it out. In the meantime, don't say anything negative about her mom to her, (even though it may be true) and try to engage her in positive conversations about "safe" topics like school and her friends. 

I would let your SO handle as much of  the parenting stuff as possible. If it gets to the point where you need to disengage from SD because of her behavior, then do it. Also - I had a weekly therapist that I talked to for support, when my SD's were young. It really helped. Good luck.

DH family don't like you or more they really like BM and there granddaughters.  And know they can't have both of you at an event. They choose BM and keep you away. 
you must disengage,  this is the way it's going to be. They don't want to be bothered with you and your DD. Sho why care.  Who needs family like that

Congratulations!!!

Path to happiness:

#1 What his family thinks doesn't matter - ignore. You don't need their approval or acceptance of your relationship/marriage. Cut them out - disengage. They no longer matter.

#2 Block them all on social media and block anyone who knows or is friends with them (spies). Keep your profile private and keep things you really don't want them to know off social media.

#3 Block them all from your phone and email. If they reach out - ignore.

#4 Build your new family and focus on your bio family or a circle of friends you've chosen as your family. You get to decide who is family.

#5 STOP APOLOGIZING for what you did on vacation. You were pushed past reasonable limits. Forgive yourself and no more defending or apologizing.

(((HUGS)))

I tried to get along with my SO's family.   His mother and sister hate any female who comes into the family.   They worship his daughter who ran around telling everyone I made up lies about her to try to get her into trouble.  No, Princess...you did that yourself due to drugs, stealing and forgery.  

One day the mother and sister ganged up on me at a family get together and accused me of saying something I never said.  They caused a scene.  Of course my SO was outside and didn't hear any of it...imagine that.  It was over something stupid...but they showed their true colors.  I don't need that in my life.

I haven't spoken to them in years.   My SO stopped speaking to his sister until recently because their mother is now in assisted living. It's sickening to hear him kissing her butt over the phone.  He said he couldn't cut ties with his mother, but only saw her on her birthday and mother's day.   She didn't care that how she treated me and her refusal to apologize meant she saw a lot less of her son.

I have no regrets...except for being so nice but that's my nature.   This whole step world was new territory to me back then and I stupidly thought if I were nice to people,  they'd be nice in return.   Wrong.  Step world is a nasty place.