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Mother's day weekend and the messy SD

cmd88's picture

Hello everyone! It's been a while once again that I have posted... Living a busy life lately between the stresses of work, family emergencies & issues, and still trying to find time to just take care of myself. So these are the events that have happened since the last time I posted:

SD12 is still being a little snot, after I thought things were finally going to get better. Yeaaaah... that lasted about a day. So pretty much every weekend for the past 3 months, BM has been tossing SD12 on us. I get upset because BM never takes in account that we or I have something going on that weekend. DBF has no problem taking SD12 because he says, "She's my daughter and I will never turn down extra time with her." Yeah, that's great and all, but some of these weekends falls on the weekends DBF has to work, and I am stuck at home with her. She usually keeps to herself but also makes it quite awkward. She will disappear for a while, and then come back and lay on top of the dogs, continously calling them her "sons," lays under the blankets with them, squeals at them or just will randomly squeal for no reason? Jumps on the furniture after I have told her several times not to, leaves her clothes on the bathroom floor, dirty socks behind the couch, blankets, books, etc on the couches.... So that drives me nuts when I am trying to enjoy a day off, because to be quite honest, work has been really stressful lately and I am constantly slammed with paperwork, meetings, phone calls, spreadsheets, deadlines. So the very last thing that I want to do, is spend my weekend with teenagers... SD12 also has stopped doing both her and DD's main chore, which is the dishes 3 times a week, now she just leaves it to DD13... I have not said anything recently about that because DD13 is grounded right now. But I was telling SD12 that she needed to pick up the carpet that our puppy chewed up because she forgot to put him back in the kennel, and she looks at me and goes, "Why am I being punished?! DD13 should do it, not ME!" I turned around, looked at her and said, "Do NOT argue with me, you left the dog out after we have told you several times that if you're not going to watch him, he needs to go back in the kennel, now he's torn up our floors! Just because DD13 is grounded right now, doesn't mean that your usual chores are erased. I am the adult, you're the child, now get to it!" 

The most recent thing/situation is, everytime SD12 is sick, I make her home made chicken noodle soup, give her the proper meds that she needs to feel better, and overall take care of her. She was sick this past week, and I took care of her, and I do A LOT of other things for her that I do for my own daughter. Well, DBF and I decided to take a trip for Mother's Day weekend, so my mom said she would watch both the kids and our dogs while we were gone. She takes the kids to the store to find some crafts to make for me and SD's mom. They come back to the house and SD said she was making me this rainbow keychain, and making her mom a painting, cool right? We get home Sunday evening, and SD was already picked up by her grandma to go back to her moms, so DBF calls her to see what else SD12 needs to be dropped off at her moms, (her medicine & school back pack), well SD goes, "Oh and the kitkats that are in the freezer, the painting and rainbow that I made for mom for Mother's Day, and that's it. Mind you, when we came home SD's sh!t was laying all over the living room and in the guest bathroom.... So I was already irritated. Anyway... So I did not get acknowledged by her for mother's day. She had my mom buy the chocolate and the rainbow craft to give to me, even said it was for me, and then turns around and gives all of it to BM.... 

Now am I wrong for feeling a little butthurt about all this? I do A LOT for her, even when she treats me like absolute garbage. I am thinking it's time to go back to completely disengaging.... I just don't know what else to do at this point and we get her back this coming weekend because no surprise.... BM is taking off again for the weekend..... 


Winterglow's picture

This weekend YOU go away on your own. Why should you be BM's unpaid babysitter just because your SO jumps at every possible occasion to have his daughter under his roof even when he isn't there. She is not your problem. Plan your weekend and if he decides to go to work tell him that he'll be taking his daughter with him because you won't be there. If you're stuck at home with her, send her to her room until meal time/her father comes home. Just be unavailable. Don't you have any friends that you haven't seen for ages and that you would love to visit? An aging grandmother? Help your own mother spend a day baking? Go for a long hike? Head for the beach for the weekend?

Show your SO that you have a life and that if he wants to see his daughter every weekend that it is up to him to parent her.

ESMOD's picture

Look to your DBF to thank you for "all you do for his daughter"... you may do a lot.. but you are just a substitute for what her parents are supposed to provide.. kids are usually not aware enough to understand that a step parent does things voluntarily.. that you don't "have" to.. but again.. you are doing things for her that most kids "expect" right.. to be fed etc...shuttled around.. etc..

From now on.. your DBF needs to figure out what happens to his daughter when he works and she gets dumped off.  because he is not spending the time with her.. YOU are.. and you should be able to make plans and not cancel them 

I would start planning things out of the house.. when the dump off is announced.. explain you won't be there .. will he?

cmd88's picture

Thank you!

DBF has shown appreciation and bought me flowers and some other things for mother's day even though we do not have a child together yet. It's never about gifts for me, but rather voicing appreciation. Which he does do, but lately, yeah, he's been lacking with that because my DD13 is under a lot of heat right now, because what she did was pretty bad, so now it seems like whatever SD does or how she acts is not as bad... (This is just my thoughts, I could be completely wrong, so don't assume that that is what's going on here, I am just unsure)... I made plans with friends for this weekend, but they are coming over to my house to have a fire, hottub, play cornhole, and hiking, which I am totally looking forward too, but we have both the kids.. I expressed to DBF that I am sick of SD's attitude and how I was hurt by her not even acknowledging me on Mother's Day. I am not her mother, I get that and know that, but I do treat her as she were my own and would have at least received a "Happy Mother's Day," text or something to that extent.... And then DD13 came home yesterday all upset because DD and SD are in the same school, same grade, same classes and DD was talking to her friends about the dogs, and SD goes, "THEY ARE MY DOGS, NOT YOURS!!" Which obviously upset DD, so I brought it up to DBF and he said both kids need to grow up and that we will be discussing what it is to be a family, and they attitudes have to change.. Great right? But at the same time, I don't think DD should be included in this talk since she didn't do or say anything to hurt SD.... SD has done that to me where I am introducing my friends to the pets and I was joking around and said, "And these are my boys," and she goes, "THEY ARE MY SONS!!!" and my friends just looked at her and me like wtf is going on here? 

I just need a dang break from the madness and from her, so I will be making myself less available to her. DBF cannot take her to his work because of what he does for a living, but he and I need to sit down again to discuss everything and how this can't happen all the time with BM just dumping SD on us on her days..... so frustrating.

Winterglow's picture

If he has to work, she stays at GM's Don't get sucked into the "but we're faaaamily" crap. You can be family without being his ex's babysitter. 

cmd88's picture

Very true! it's definitely getting old.

ESMOD's picture

Given their ages.. I have no doubt they probably both need to hear the "we are family" talk.. lol.  So, even though "this" particular example was your SD.. It's not unlikely that there have been things your daughter has said/done that would be in the same vein.

And.. your DD may have done a bad thing.. and right now, it sounds like it was bad enough that her punishment is long lasting.. but that doesn't necessarily mean she is a bad person.. just like SD likely has her good points as well.. it's just easier to love your kid despite faults.. vs someone else's

cmd88's picture

Yes, I can agree that they both need that talk, even though I have talked to them both twice before about behaviors and being family, it changed for maybe a month but SD is right back at it again. No, my DD is not unkind to SD unless SD is bring a brat to her then she sticks up for herself... SD has always been the type to be like, "This is MINE, They are my AUNTS, And This food is MINE," type of person. No, my DD is not a bad person, and what happened is very personal and I will not post it on here, but it wasn't because she was a snot or out to hurting others... this is a different issue and she is definitely learning from it. My child is not perfect by any means, but she is never out to just be completely mean to someone and has always shared her things with others. SD on the other hand.... not in the slightest. Does she have some good points? Yes, sometimes.. but lately it's been getting worse and expects everyone to cater to her and clean up after her and she will be 13 in a couple of months, time to grow up a little bit. She knows which chores are hers and just because she's not the one currently in trouble, doesn't mean she can just sit on her butt and on her phone all day while other's are doing their portion of the chores. I do love my SD but I am not liking her right now. 

ESMOD's picture

My SD's always tried to do ownership of our pets.. horses I owned etc.. It was annoying at times!

And.. I get that your daughter is more aware of how her actions could hurt others.. and it sounds like your SD is definitely not as naturally empathetic and mature.. hopefully her dad can help her grow up some.  Because people like that tend to have unhappy lives.

cmd88's picture

Ugh yep... she does it with not just the animals, but tries to act like she is the woman of the house, that definitely doesn't fly with me. DBF is having a sit down tonight after I get out of work and he's going to discuss family, and how she needs to grow up... thank goodness he is finally noticing what I have to deal with. Because most of the time, she does or says stuff to me while his back is turned or he is not around...  You're absolutely right, she is not mature and doesn't really express empathy... She keeps telling me and others that she is not going to ever grow up, and that she's going to live with us for the rest of her life. I said girl, you're going to be 13 in a couple of months, it's time to grow up a little and she was like, "Not ugh, I am not turning 13, I will always be little and refuse to grow up!" I am like jesus...... I can't even. I have a feeling she will lead an unhappy life to be honest, if she is anything like her aunts...

How did you get over feeling annoyed with the ownership issue? 

Winterglow's picture

I'd be interested in hearing what she says when you ask her why she doesn't want to grow up.

cmd88's picture

I think I know what it is, it's because she likes to be babied, which her dad and BM are both guilty of doing, well have done as well as the in laws... So once she grows up, she probably feels she will not get the same treatment anymore, and not get as many gifts... because she does brag about all the gifts she gets from the in laws quite a bit.... and then she said she stopped believing in santa years ago but didn't say anything because she wanted to recieve more gifts, even though she legit gets about 50-60 gifts for her birhtdays and holidays from the in laws.... She thinks by not wanting to grow up means she will stay everyones "little girl" and continued to be spoiled and get her way... once you get older you have responsibilities and don't always come first.... That's just how I see it... I could be wrong?

Winterglow's picture

I ask because one of my nieces said she was never growing up. Turns out her mother over-confided in her during and after her divorce from my brother. She was 11 at the time. So, when asked whe she wasn't going to grow up she said that growing up meant getting married and getting married meant having sex and sex ruined everything and for that reason she was never, ever going to have sex.

cmd88's picture

Oh wow... I guess that could be the case as well. I know her mom really hasn't had stable relationships in the past, but now she has been with someone for about 3-4 years and they have a baby together. DBF only brought 2 other girlfriends around her and they were somewhat long term, so I am not quite sure.... It's just very odd... That's kind of what my DD has said, that she doesn't want to get married or have kids because she thinks love is always painful.. she's said that ever since Cameron Boyce died, (he was her first crush and off of her favorite disney TV shows)... So I get certain experiences or watching their parents go through stuff like that could effect them in that aspect. Damn... that's sad as well.

SteppedOut's picture

Definitely talk to your boyfriend...

But is all this fair to you AND your daughter? Do you think there is actual potential that he will change? Before talking to him, you need to decide how many times you are going to be willing to talk to him (sounds like you have once before, at least). Also, decide what YOU are going to do if he doesn't change or change enough. 

 If he is going to take extra time he HAS to be there. Yea, if he was single, technically he could leave her at home while he is at work- but he ISN'T single. 

Perhaps you moved in too quickly? 

If SD is acting that way about the dogs... imagine if you had a baby? 

cmd88's picture

That's exactly what I said to DBF! "What is going to happen when we have a baby? Because honestly, I am not going to put up with that crap from her." He said that we will be having a sit down when we get her tomorrow so we will see... I am still going to disengage from SD because it's stressing me out too much. She has a baby sister from BM and seems to do really well with her, but I think since she's so much a daddy's girl that she is going to turn out like the kid from the movie, "The good son." Not even kidding.,,, 

TrueNorth77's picture

She had YOUR mom buy you candy and a rainbow keychain saying it was for you, and then gave it to BM??? Hell no! Your SO should address that also. I would be very hurt and upset. 

I am in a similar boat as you with SD12. I do a lot for her, am always willing to listen when Crazy says something about how SD is ruining her dating life/finances/whatever, help her pick out outfits, borrow her my dresses for events, help with whatever she needs....yet didn't get a peep on Mother's Day. Sometimes I just want to stop trying altogether. Not that I need recognition, but it just seems like she's going to be PAS'd out anyway. 

cmd88's picture

Yep, she sure did. My mom is kind of like me and can be a push over and wanted to do Mother's day crafts with both the girls. I was baffled when my mom told me that those two items were supposed to go to me since SD told her that was her agenda, but nope... She lied. I brought that up to my SO as well and said not only did it kind of hurt my feelings since I do so much for her, but she fricken lied about it which SO and I are against lying, even the smallest ones... So, it will be interesting to see how this talk goes tonight with her. 

Oh boy... does it ever get any better? I am at that point to, where I just want to stop trying, and then I feel bad for being distant or just avoiding SD, yet at the same time, I kind of want her to know she can't treat people the way she does and I still do care about her... So it's a tough sitution... With her mom constantly tossing her over to us, I think eventually she will be living with us more full time and only going to BM's like twice a week if anything.... which sucks for SD and sucks for me because of SD's attitude... Before BM was even doing this SD was this way, so I can't really blame that on SD's behavior... I don't know what her deal is, but I am getting pretty fed up with it.

Rags's picture

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Not your spawn, not your problem. And... 12yo is old enough to be home alone for several hours occassionally.  Daddy says he wants her on  YOUR time, then Daddy can deal with her. End of discussion.,

Our SKid would be home a couple of hours every school day alone.  From age 12 and up.

cmd88's picture

Same. My DD13 stays by herself pretty much a couple hours a day, or when SO and I want to have a date night then it's for about 3 hours and they both are fine... SD needs to be constantly entertained though and she kind of acts like she is still a little girl... very immature sometimes, well most of the time so it makes things more difficult... especially when I tell her not to do something and she still does it anyway, makes it harder to just leave her alone for too long.... Frustrating but hopefully most of this will be resolved tonight...