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OT/MIL asking to throw me a seperate shower

msg1986's picture

If you've read my previous blogs you know I have a controlling passive aggressive Mil. Since finding out I was pregnant and Dh putting his mom in her place when she steps out of line, I haven't really seen her too much. Welll, Dh let it slip that at our last ultrasound they told us it LOOKS like a girl. To give background here, Dh has a son that is 5 and his sister is having a boy in September so Mil has been jonesin' for a granddaughter. Sooo, now she's been on her best behavior and amped up the sweetness... Mostly I think because the last time she seen Dh and started being cray he told her "I'm just letting you know the doctors said it looks like were having a girl and if you don't respect mine and msg1986's boundaries you're not going to really be around our daughter!" ANYWAY, last week she called me and asked if she can throw me a seperate shower from the one my cousin is planning for me. I honestly think this is partly because of her controlling nature but also because she's never gotten over her divorce from Fil (they divoced when Dh was like 3ish-he's now 26)... my Mil is definately a golden uterus. So I think this mostly has to due with the fact that she knows Fil's wife and Fil's 2 daughters with Smil will be there because Dh likes his SM and we don't exclude them and Mil hates this. Mil has totally manipulated her daughter so much that Sil throws parties etc and will leave out Fil, Smil, and my 2 preteen Sil's (her baby sisters) just so her mom doesn't get mad.

So my question is, what do I do?? I don't want to play into my Mil's petty games but I also don't want drama at the baby shower at my house. Her reasoning behind this is so that she can invite her family that lives 3 hours away, but I was going to invite them anway. WTF??


Shaman29's picture

I would graciously decline by telling her you do not want to burden your friends and family with two showers and having to buy two shower gifts.

You can always offer to do a DIL/MIL tea instead, just the two of you.

msg1986's picture

I think you're right, I feel the right thing to do is to decline. I love your excuse to about not burdening friends. Dh is against it because he wants to have a "pamper" party and if his mom throws a seperate shower his male relatives won't attend the one he's having the same day as the shower.

Thank you! Biggrin

Aeron's picture

Thanks for the offer, but I'd feel uncomfortable with having an immediate family member throwing a second shower... It looks like we're just begging for gifts. Can you give me your guest list and I'll make sure I try to work them into the shower that's being planned.

It is actually traditionally considered a breach of etiquette to have a close family member throw any shower.

If she starts drama, ask her to leave. Remember, she Wants a relationship with your kid You have the upper hand. If she starts getting all drama queen you pull her aside and tell her that behavior is not welcome in your house or around your child. She can behave like a mature adult or she can leave, but everyone at the shower is important to you and you will not have your guests disrespected. If she wants to continue this behavior she will not be welcome to your home in the future.

I say this cause it sounds like your DH is backing you up on reining in her crazy.

msg1986's picture

That sounds great too, I really feel that way too about it seeming like i'm begging for gifts, i'm not okay with that. The silly thing is, is that all the people she is wanting to invite, I am already inviting them.

I think the safe thing to do here is to gracefully decline and like you said if she steps out of line, ask her to leave.

Thank you. Smile

ConfusedStep's picture

All of the points made so far are valid ones, but you last sentence sums up perfectly what I wanted to add.

msg1986's picture

"Personally, I wouldn't want to be beholden to my MIL like that. Then she might feel ownership toward my kid, and feel like she deserves it because she threw a baby shower for me, whatever. Beware of strings that come with taking things from controlling relatives."
OMG StepAside, this a great point that I didn't even think about! Thank you for pointing that out because Mil is definately the type of person to throw that in our face later on.