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Why are Skids so ungrateful?

Cbarton12's picture

So, I was feeling a little bad because yesterday I completely ignored SD all day. 

I went shopping today for myself. And then I saw some cute shoes, a pajama set, and a tshirt for SD. 

Did she bother to thank me when I gave them to her? No. 

And this is a regular thing. She's given things and there is no thanks. 

I remember one birthday she even asked, "is that it?" Wtf. 

 

Comments

beebeel's picture

Stop giving her things. That birthday comment would have been the end of my wallet opening for her.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

My stepdemon said the same thing about his gifts. I have never been more appalled nor horrified.

I never said such a rotten thing at gifts as a kid. My mother would have beat my ass for humiliating her and rightly so.

When me and DH were struggling financially I did not expect much and expressed gratitude for anything I got.

Jcksjj's picture

I stopped buying things for SD due to this kind of crap too. Whenever I would buy anything clothing related she would stick her nose up in the air at it and then either come back the next week with something from BMs that was either a "better" version BM had bought or actually BMs. For example I bought her a winter hat and gloves that was 100 percent her taste and she picked it up and made a disgusted face at it like it was a dirty diaper and the next week she was at our house wore BMs hat the entire week - wouldnt even take it off indoors. One of her xmas presents she was using daily until she found out I picked it out and it hasn't been touched since. I can't even buy her a treat at the grocery store without a similar response. 

In her mind I'm the evil stepmom that isnt as good as BM so when I do something nice she has to act like it's not that great since it doesn't fit with her narrative of me.

susanm's picture

That sounds familiar.  SD was always thrilled with her gifts and would pretend that her father had picked them out.  Right.  He went to Sephora and chose bubble baths and lip gloss sets.  And the sweaters and shoes that just happen to go with things that you regularly wear.   Yeah, he figured those out too.  But when he said each time that she needed to thank me as well since I had done the work of picking everything out, she would refuse and the items would remain either under the tree or in her room in their boxes.  After a while I would simply gather them up, return them, and get something for myself with DH's full blessing.  

One time though I got her a gorgeous sweater that I knew she would not be able to resist.  It disappeared to BM's house and I later saw a picture with her in it.  When I said "Oh I am so glad you like that sweater I picked out for you!" I thought her face was going to burst into flames.  Busted!  LOL

But now she is an adult and I am fully disengaged from her.  DH is not happy about it but I put in the time I was obligated to and now I am finished.  He just gives her money because he has no idea what to get her.  I am sure she is fine with the lack of personal connection given that she has no interest in a real relationship with him.

pickles45's picture

Yah by SO's daughter always thanks me for things I give her, buy her etc. I would NEVER spend a penny on her ever again if she said to me "Is that it?" or jsut as bad - never thanked me!

futurobrillante99's picture

It's not because they are skids. It is this all day long: crappy parenting.

Petronella's picture

I agree it’s mostly because their parents have not taught them manners and non-CODs would be the same way if they’d been raised the same way. However I do think their COD status has something to do with it and it does seem to be a pattern. I can think of a couple of reasons: First, as someone said, SKs are often over-indulged materially, by guilty parents and coddling grandparents. Special occasions and presents stop feeling special to them because they get so many of them. Second, in some families, the parents have been so busy with their own drama that the day to day child taming falls by the wayside. The parents don’t have the emotional wherewithal to closely monitor things like manners and etiquette. The kids have kind of raised themselves from an earlier age.

Trying to Stepmom's picture

I must be an anomaly because I was definitely not showered with gifts by both parents after their divorce. Or maybe that’s just what happens these days. (I say “these days but I’m only in my 30s.) But every divorce situation is different. I never felt like the divorce was my fault and my parents weren’t high conflict. 

 

ITB2012's picture

After XH and I separated my mother made an odd statement to me about how things shouldn't change with DS. I must have looked puzzled. She asked what I was going to do with DS on the weekends I have him. I replied that we'd do what we always do: play, clean, whatever "normal" stuff we had been doing and toward the end XH had been largely absent on weekends while we were together so DS and I had been on our on weekends already. She was worried we both were going to go overboard. Nope. Didn't happen.

It wasn't all fun and games on weekends. It was just life.

It's probably that your parents and XH and I were similar in the attitude toward the divorce and the children. I know DS has never felt like the divorce had anything to do with him (and it didn't), and we got along quite well as divorced parents. I don't think XH and I ever assumed DS would love one of us better than the other or that his love for his parents was conditional.

ESMOD's picture

I think it can start out like that.. but sometimes people can't help but compete with the other parent/household.

Like...  Dad only has the kid for a few days a month so wants to make the "most" out of his time with his kids.. he doesn't want to spend it fighting and wants the kids to have fun so that they WANT to come see him (families with parents that both work also fall into the "so little time with kid that don't want to spend it fighting.. so kid acts up).

THEN... kid comes home with all the stories of fun things they do with daddeee.. and mommee gets worried they "like daddee more".. so she ups HER game and does more permissive things and tries to be the fun parent too.

Throw in some inlaws that pity the poor little COD.. and voila.. a monster is born.

Trying to Stepmom's picture

I think my DH was kind of like that at first. Wanting to make every moment exciting since SD only has overnights with us EOWE. 

But we’re also so busy that when we have a weekend off now we just want to chill and get things done around the house. I think SD is realizing that we’re not here to entertain her every time she comes over. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Becuse they are allowed to be by their parents.

Often, divorce means double everything - two houses, two birthdays, two Christmases, double vacations etc, accompanied by two sets of extended family. CODs often get more in material things, but less correction and guidance because nobody wants to risk hurting the fragile fee fees of these scarred darlings.

The universe put a valuable lesson in front of you today. Take it, and put it into practice.

ITB2012's picture

the skids thanked DH profusely for gifts they got but not me even though my name was on it AND my DH didn’t correct them that I was part of it (try all of it) and he did not have them thank me. 

I used to get them stellar gifts. Not expensive or many but things that they loved because I had paid attention to what they liked and things they said.  

Now? Now I listen to DH say he has no idea what to get them as he makes a last minute effort. 

hereiam's picture

She hasn't been raised well, by either parent.

Did you say anything to her about saying, "Thank you," when somene gives her something?

Stop buying things for her.

Cbarton12's picture

Y'all are right. I need to stop buying things for her. 

And it is clear neither parent has raised her properly. Albeit I actually expected more from BM.

Trying to Stepmom's picture

My DH bought an entire outfit for SD so she’d have something nice to wear for Easter. She complained the entire time (after going to multiple stores) and would make comments about her not even going with us. She ended up getting sick (or making herself sick) and we didn’t take her with us when visiting my family. DH was not happy with the whole situation and I suggested we just return the clothes since SD said she wasn’t going to wear them past Easter anyway. And just like you, OP, she didn’t say thank you at all. I ended up returning the clothes and DH and I don’t even think SD noticed. 

Her birthday was a couple weeks later and when DH asked her what she wanted, she couldn’t tell him or said “nothing,” I don’t really remember. So that’s what he got her, nothing. Well, maybe a card, but I don’t remember that either. 

It makes it difficult for me to do nice things (or some things in general) for ungrateful people. 

ESMOD's picture

When I met my SD's they were 5 and 9.  They were fairly spoiled and feral at that time for a multitude of reasons.

1.  Their dad wasn't around them a ton since he often worked out of town.

2.  Their mother was not consistent at all.. either lavishing them with attention or casting them aside like dolls she was tired of playing with... including pushing them off to live with my MIL.  But she was also crazy time about buying the kids Christmas and Bday gifts.. they would get mountains.

3.  Which brings me to my MIL.. who I believe actually had the biggest impact.  She spoiled them.  She would do everything but wipe their tail ends for them.  Cook special food for each of them.. iron their clothes.. clean up after them etc.. She would do anything for these poor little kids that were living such a horrible life.

The first year with my DH I went to the family Christmas celebration at his parents' home.  There were gifts for everyone under the tree.  I had picked out thoughtful gifts for everyone.  Well, when MIL said.. "time to open the presents".. it was like a gun went off...and all the grandkids descended on the pile of goodies under the tree and ripped paper off and quickly glanced at then tossed each successive present on their pile.  I was shocked.  They didn't look for a tag to see who gave it to them.. they didn't say thank you.. they just mowed through the gifts.

At the end.. his girls said.  "Is this all there is".. almost hidden by the pile of gifts they had surrounding them.

I was shocked.

I did mention it to my DH later.. that I was surprised that the kids weren't more appreciative etc..

After several years.. my MIL actually adopted my family's tradition which was for someone to play "santa" to hand out all the gifts.. that get opened one by one.. letting everyone admire what others got.. let the reciever thank the giver etc.. it's a lot more chill now.

ITB2012's picture

when we went to a relatives house for a birthday party. The birthday kid was around the same age as the kids (skids and my DS). It took at least an hour for this kid to open all his gifts. His parents are divorced AND his dad's side of the family thinks that you have to get a ton of gifts.

Even the skids had appalled looks on their faces as they saw the amount and type of gifts. They all commented on the way home how they thought there was no way that kid could even play with all that stuff by his next birthday.

shamds's picture

respect and appreciation for how hard their parents and stepparents work to provide a roof over their heads, food to eat and to buy essentials like clothes etc are appreciative but those raised to manipulate, guilt others etc love to manipulate

its the hot and cold well if she doesn’t say thanks she hopes you’ll go out of your way to spend more 

stupidly they don’t understand there is a limit to anyone’s generosity