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SS asked DH if he can come and live with us

bulletproof's picture


Yes, you read that correctly. After his vacation with DH, during which he was spoiled to the max and acted like his typical self, SS asked DH if he could come live with us.

My DH and I had discussed this being a possibility before DH went back to the states and had SS meet him in his home state. My DH said he was going to tell SS that "It isn't possible right now," which is perfectly acceptable and the truth.

But, of course, that's not what he said. Instead, he told SS to ask BM.

Why? Well, my DH claims he told SS that because he knew it would fizzle out. But how stupid! That's so damaging to SS, even if we know that he only asked to come live with us because he thinks he can be spoiled and get away with everything. (Note: I also think he said this to my DH as a way to encourage my DH to continue to spoil him when he sees him, because SS knows that just asking that question would make my DH happy as a clam).

I didn't even ask what happened when SS supposedly asked BM about this. I don't even know if SS for sure asked, or if he told told DH he did.

Regardless, my face is still as such: :jawdrop:


bulletproof's picture

Well, we have 2.5 years left where we are. Their current CO says BM has full custody until/unless DH moves back to where we just moved from. Then, if that happened, it'd go back to 50/50 automatically.

The only way to change that is if BM lets SS move here. Oh, and if I let SS move here. Because I'm a SAHM and my DH is always gone, and SS is a heathen, so it's not happening. If DH wants SS to move in here, then he can maintain two households---one here for him and SS, and one in the states for me and DD. I refuse to let him live with us until he straightens himself out.

That said, once we move back to the states, my DH will likely readdress their current CO because we won't be overseas any longer so the visitation can change. SS will be 12 and a half, and my DH is a dope and will likely jump at the chance to have SS come live with us if SS wants to and BM allows it. There is still the obstacle of me not wanting it to happen until he changes his behavior. That is a protective measure. He's pushed our dogs down the stairs, tried to hurt the cat, attacked people, lied, stolen, lit things on fire, etc., etc...I'm not about to live with him so he can continue to make allegations against me like he has in the past, and I'm certainly not letting him that close to my children, who I am supposed to protect. He changes, I'll re-consider.

And if there is money and a court battle involved in this? Fuck no. My DH will maintain two households then also.

bulletproof's picture

LOL, what dtzy said.

And tog, BM emailed my DH a mere days after this and told him that SS has enjoyed speaking to him (via Skype) lately. The calls have been 5 minutes or less, which is shorter than normal, and SS has been a jerk.

He learned/learns from the best. He has had emotional issues since I've been involved (5.5 years). He's totally doing it to manipulate. Just like when DD was on FaceTime for him to see, he didn't feel like seeing her...because it wasn't on his terms. He's selfish, manipulative, spoiled, and he'll do whatever he has to to get his way.

bulletproof's picture

Hell is frozen, officially, because I agree 100%. The reason at the moment could totally be because their is a CO that says that SS has to live with BM unless we move back to where we came from. After that, it can be custody being difficult to change. My DH made a bad move here.

Stepcreaturesonly's picture

Have to say, I agree with tog. I too work with young kids and have done most of my life. VERY few kids that young manipulate for future reward. Instant, maybe. But from reading these blogs it does seem as if you have such a negative view of this kid that anything he ever does or says will be interpreted in the worst way. Not saying he's an angel. But these blogs usually don't make him seem so bad.

bulletproof's picture

SS is almost 10. My best friend also has worked with young children for many years and said that she 100% believes that he will grow and have serious, sociopathic type issues. He hurts animals, for crying out loud. What type of kid pushes a Great Dane puppy down the stairs?

FML's picture

I really think it depends on what they have been taught. I know for a fact that my SS6 knows how to manipulate and lie because he has been taught that. It's not out of the realm of possibilities. But even if it's not true, she has to live with her husband not her SS. It is easier to blame him instead and I can see that. She doesn't talk to SS so it shouldn't effect him. She has disengaged so whatever she needs to do to help her sanity is what she needs to do for now.

FML's picture

Unless mom has been gearing up for this visit and telling him exactly what to say. I think this kid would say he wants to live with him though in order to get daddy happy so daddy will spoil him. They definitely know at an early age what to say to who.

bulletproof's picture

I definitely think BM has been gearing up for it. She even has emailed my DH since the visit to reinforce how much SS is enjoying their calls lately...the calls that last 5 min or less. It's all a big plan.

Gabriels Mom's picture

I'm not sure I agree that he can't manipulate. SS12 and DS5 call my MIL if they want something they know I will say no to. Such as my DS's wonderful collection of cowboy boots. I refuse to spend 100's of dollars on boots that he will grow out of within a few months. They run about 60-100 per pair. When he sees a new pair he wants he just asks her and they show up at my house. Same thing with SS's collection of football jerseys.

SS was trying to get her to buy an xbox one and she was going to get it for him but I caught the texts going back and forth on teensafe and I stopped it. (perhaps I was wrong but that's insane. These spoiled kids already have a ps3, wii U, a limited edition star wars xbox 360, a psp vita, and they each have a 3DS)

Do I think he is trying to manipulate dad on the level bulletproof thinks he is? I doubt it. Do I think he thinks that time with dad was so awesome and dad lets me do whatever I want so I want to live there. Yes I do. At that age he doesn't realize that vacation with dad is not the same thing as living with dad. He would have rules to follow, go to school, do homework, do chores, etc.

bulletproof's picture

"At that age he doesn't realize that vacation with dad is not the same thing as living with dad. He would have rules to follow, go to school, do homework, do chores, etc."

^^I totally agree!! Let's say that hypothetically he did move here because he asked, though. He would continue to be the jerk he is, and possibly worsen because he expected it to be like their vacation was and the reality is that life has rules, homework, chores, etc.

bulletproof's picture

I agree with spoiling, just not to the extent that my DH did it. SS will fight tooth and nail to have all future visits be that way, guaranteed. I'd bet all of our savings and my DH's next three month's pay on that.

I don't think it's abnormal either, I was actually just shocked.

bulletproof's picture

Make sure you kick him in the right one, the one he most recently had surgery on. It'll hurt worse than the left! }:)

oneoffour's picture

My precious grand daughter is 7. She tells her therapist she doesn't want to see her Daddy anymore and feels safer with her mother (DD). Therapist tells DD that GD7 should not visit with her father anymore than necessary. It has dropped from 50/50 to him having overnights on Thurs and sometimes Fri (backstory: he married, she has a delightful 4 yr old, they had a baby in Feb 2014 and she is expecting their 2nd biobaby before the end of the year). DD never says anything negative about GDs father.

GD7 just spent 2 nights with us. And she blathered on about her Daddy this, Daddy that and not a negative thing was said. She has always been very open with us and frankly I suspect she is finding out how to manipulate situations for her own ends. I hate to say that because she is a wonderful little girl. But something isn't right.

So is this boy manipulating things? Quite possibly. He is bound to work out that the present living situation will not change anytime soon so to keep the 'gravy train' running while Daddy is there he ups the ante. Bulletproof, I would suggest to your DH that he needs to broach the subject again the next time they skype and he may find his son has a different POV now he is back in school etc.

bulletproof's picture

That's so sad. Sounds like PAS of your GD7!

I'd tell him to ask, but they literally haven't spoken for more than 5 minutes each week since the trip (3 calls total). SS doesn't care about talking to him anymore (and it was this way before the trip also).

WTF...REALLY's picture

My SD was very good at manipulating both parents at age 8. I was able to see right thru it was the outsider looking in. Hubby was to wrapped up in it. I have always had a very good bull shit radar.

Took years to get past all that. This is the first year SD13 has really stopped it to the level she use to do it.

I was really surprised all those years ago to ser a 8-9 year old manipulate both parents to TRY to get her way. Bye bye to those bad days.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

My guess? BM put SS up to it to make DH look bad. She has no intention of letting that kid to go and live with his father, especially overseas. She wants DH say so no so she can use that to further PAS the boy: "See, SS? he doesn't want you to live with him. He has a new child now, and doesn't want you."

Just a guess, but bullet's BM sounds a hell of a lot like the one I deal with, and this is something she's totally do.