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Don’t Know What to Title This - Long

BettyRay's picture

My Aunt died last week. She was a wonderful lady – the type of person that draws you in with her humor and wit. She was a stay at home mom, raised 6 children and was married to my uncle for over 50 years.

The funeral was Saturday. It was our weekend with SSons. Both SSons had scout activities planned for Sat. DH e-mailed BM to let her know that the boys wouldn’t be attending scouts as there was a death in the family.

This is where everything got chaotic…

A little background:

1. My Aunt was actually my cousin. As I spent a lot of time with her growing up I always called her Auntie out of respect, and her children call my parents Auntie and Uncle was well.

2. BM’s mom and my mom went to high school together and meet every week for lunch.

…The Drama…

BM calls DH and tells him that SSon’s activities should come first and that they should not go to the funeral. BM also calls DH a liar and tells him that my Aunt is not my Aunt and is only a cousin. BM then tells DH that he should ask BettyRay’s mom to watch the boys if we want to attend the funeral.

DH responds to BM by telling her that he doesn’t care if BettyRay's Aunt is my Aunt or not. He knows my “Aunt” well and wants to go and pay his respects to my “Uncle.” DH then tells BM that BettyRay’s mom will be attending the funeral as well, so the boys will be coming with us. BM then tells DH that she just talked to her mom and her mom said BettyRay’s mom wasn’t going.

DH says that BM’s mom is mistaken; BettyRay’s mom is going to the funeral.

BM then flies off the handle and tells DH to find a sitter because SSons are too young to attend a funeral (11 y.o. and 7 y.o.). Oh and by the way BM asks for our tax return because she feels DH is not paying enough CS.

…The Aftermath…

DH ends up confronting BM’s mom. BM’s mom never told BM that BettyRay’s mom wasn’t going to the funeral.

I call my mom asking her what was said to BM’s mom. My mom had no idea any of this was going on, and I felt stupid asking her. She just told BM’s mom that my Aunt’s health was failing.

DH and I figure out that BM is lying – but we assumed as much any way.

BM’s mom agrees to watch SSons and takes them to their scout stuff.

DH, my mom and I go to the funeral.

DH called the lawyer this morning. The tax return is being sent to BM, with my info blacked out. It appears DH should be paying $2 A MONTH more – that’s right – TWO DOLLARS A MONTH MORE IN CS. All of BM’s wrath for $2. Whatever…

I’m just sad. I miss my Aunt. All the drama surrounding the funeral was just exhausting. I haven’t been able to grieve because I’ve been too busy taking care of the BM drama with DH.

Thanks for letting me get this out.



fruitloop's picture

First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. I also have cousins (2nd cousins actually) that I grew up calling "aunt" or "uncle" out of respect because they were quite a bit older than me.

It's so sad that BM is so callous that she would expect her sons to attend a scout event over the funeral of a family member. And the additional drama that ensued is just pathetic.

Sounds to me like it is time for you to be a little bit selfish and just do what you need to do to take care of yourself now. Be kind to yourself. Karma's a bitch - and that one will get hers.

Gestalt's picture

and the fact that mom felt the need to give you even more grief....that says a LOT about her character.

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards

Anon2009's picture

about your loss. I hope that BM's mom knows what a liar BM is.

BettyRay's picture

mom2anb and Gestalt,

Thank you.

It has been rough. My Aunt was quite a bit older than me as well. She has been my rock since my Dad died, always listening and telling me exactly what she thought. I feel lost.

Like I told DH. I feel like it's my fault BM is upset, I know logically it's not my fault, but it's how I feel.

DH is wonderful and supportive. He really stood up to her about this and it's helped me so much knowing how much he cares.

-Henry Kaiser

melis070179's picture

Okay, maybe I'm confused, but if its DH's weekend with the kids...who the hell cares WHAT the BM tries to dictate? Why does she have any say in the matter in the first place?

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

now4teens's picture

Of course, I am very sorry for the loss of your dear Aunt.

However, in your grief, I'm sure it was simply an oversight to let the BM ''call the shots'' as Melis said, when the boys are in your care.

Because she just doesn't have that right.

Again, sorry for your loss. Your Aunt sounded like a terrific lady.

"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"

BettyRay's picture

Melis and 5teens,

You are right. And I told DH as much when it happened.

My take on it is that BM blind-sided him. DH was trying to be considerate - letting the boys know ahead of time that weekend plans had changed and she just went off.

Latest and greatest - Apparently BM feels it's important that she be the one to take SSons to their first funeral :? . Which I think is sick.

Looking back on it, it was better that the boys weren't there. We got to say good-bye without the boys distracting us.

-Henry Kaiser

now4teens's picture

You know, every time I read on hear something whacky that a BM has said or done, I think to myself, "It couldn't get any weirder."

I stand corrected. This one makes my "TOP 10" list of truly bizzare, twisted, and demented things a BM has said.

"She feels it is important that SHE be the one to take them to their FIRST FUNERAL?!"

OMG! :jawdrop:

"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"

BettyRay's picture

I couldn't believe it either.

BM thinks that DH doesn't have the skills to comfort SSons through something as "tramatic" as their first experience with death - I just don't get it.

DH asked BM if she wants SSons first funeral experience to be hers, his or their grandparents. BM had no response. DH is of the opinion that death is a part of life and that SSons s/b exposed to it.

DH keeps telling me "don't try to understand crazy" I just didn't think BM was this weird.

-Henry Kaiser

Most Evil's picture

We too are becoming the 'elders' and losing our guideposts we have had all our life, in our older relatives. I am so glad for their example. It was COMPLETELY OUT OF LINE for BM to show her *ss on such an occasion. It sounds like her mom has a little more class at least!

I hope you can take your good memories of your aunt and review them, and feel some peace that she is in a better place, as they say. And that you can see her again one day. HUGS to you.

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin