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Christmas - Literally the same sh*t every year

BettyRay's picture

Just like every other Christmas for the last 15 years. DH gets angry at SSons and BM, and is a total jerk for the day.

We invited our mothers, SS22, SS22’s GF, and SS18 for Christmas Day brunch.

DH did all the cooking and went crazy, there was so much food.

It’s our week with SS18 but he had spent Monday and Tuesday nights at BM’s so he could be with her on Christmas Eve, and Christmas morning.

Backstory - SSons are conditioned to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning with BM. When they were young she always had some excuse to keep them over night, even when it was our holiday. DH didn’t want to make it hard on the boys so he always went along with it. This is the result of not putting his foot down.

It started on Christmas Eve when SS18 texted DH and I at midnight asking if he could go the Star Wars with BM and SF at 3 PM Christmas Day.

Really BM? So selfish, she has to control the entire holiday.

DH texted that it was fine. The reality was it wasn’t fine, brunch was scheduled for 11 AM, DH started getting angry.

We ended up rushing through brunch to open presents before SS18 had to leave to meet BM.

For the second year in a row, I got a single Christmas ornament from them that they went in on together (SS22, GF, and SS18). DH got a picture frame from them.

We were both hurt but didn’t say anything. SS18 and SS22’s GF I get because they are both in school and don’t have a lot of money. But SS22 has a fulltime job, making decent money, he’s just so selfish.

We spent about $200 on each of the boys and $150 on GF.

They all left at 2 PM when SS18 left to meet BM and SF at the movie.

Basically, a typical Skid drive by – eat a quick meal, collect presents and run (with leftovers of course).

I’m so over it.



Iamwoman's picture

Change it up next year. Give them half of what you did this year and see if they notice or change.

If they continue to give thoughtless gifts then keep cutting what you spend on them inhalfnuntil they finally notice and say something. Then use that as your opportunity to "talk about gifts."

If they never say a word, then congratulations! You've saved yourself a lot of money.

BettyRay's picture

DH finally brought up going on a trip next year over Christmas. I have wanted to do this for a long time but DH was never willing to consider it.


notarelative's picture

SS18: Can I go the Star Wars with BM and SF at 3 PM Christmas Day.?

Dad: Son, you are 18. You can go wherever you choose. But, understand that I can't guarantee that brunch will be done by the time you need to leave for the movie. So, If you are going to the movie, I'll see you another time.

Then I'd unwrap all but one of the presents and return them. When they showed up with their trinkets, the only thing they would get from me is a thank you and the smallest gift of the pile. No repeat of the brunch. They lost that when they cancelled the same day.

BettyRay's picture

One ornament and a picture frame for each of them. Done.


CLove's picture

Get your DH out of his regular routine, change it completely and go on a fabulous trip! That cash spent on ungrateful people - cut it down a bit, and spend it on you two.

Cooooookies's picture

So next year give them a dollar store photo frame with a nice pic of you and DH in it.  Then plan your day how you want and if they leave then they leave and miss whatever they miss.

BettyRay's picture

This is what I have wanted to do for a long time but DH wasn't there, he wasn't willing to let go of the fantasy that SSons want to spend time with us. From where I'm standing SSons see us as a diner with an ATM. It hurts DH and I feel for him but I've made a lot of sacrifices for him and the boys. I'm at a place in my life where I'm not willing keep spending my time and money on people who don't care about us.


somethingwicked's picture

SO STOP. STOP kissing their a$$es .STOP chasing them with  gifts and big fancy meals and expect they will magically change and notice the work and care and suddenly grow hearts and care about their father and your efforts .

The manipulation started long ago by BM ho bag.She usurped the father's position ,time and continues to do so and the children are now ADULTS.The dye was cast and can't be changed..not much. Your DH  has to snap out of his bigfat  powder blue dream that the "boys" are devoted to him.They are not. They are there for what they can get .They show up and tolerate him and you just for appearances until they no longer need what they can get from their father  ~ money,help ,time ,appearances sake in the community. They sound like my (ex) skids~ users. 

And that DH is angry or disappointed because all his efforts to make the day special is more than likely another learned response  ~ a rerun of past emotions from previous holidays that were probably just as rushed.

He should be used to this disrespect and stop with trying so hard ,put a stop to  the angry emotion OR work to change the situation.Let the adult children know the set time and place for whatever celebration or anything planned and move forward with those plans if skids fail to show at the agreed time.

There is no emergency or reason they could not promptly  be present other than they are used to sh!tting on their father (and you by extension) and so they will continue until someone finds his manballs and  stops the disrespect. 

Cooooookies's picture

When that happens, my dear, it is time for what StepTalk calls disengagement on your part.

Give rose

BettyRay's picture

I've pulled back a lot over the years. I know disengagement is always an option.

I used to try to comfort DH when stuff like this happened. Now I when he mopes I simply tell him it is what it is and let him feel the dissappointment.