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The battle of the dads

AlmostGone834's picture

I was talking with my mother the other night, and I mentioned Little Idiot's (SD22.5) New Year's Eve car crash to her. Of course, she started asking questions... "is the car totaled?" (No I don't think so) "what is Little Idiot going to do?" (Well ex stepdad called the insurance company and he thinks they will bury the deductible...blah blah blah).... 

To which she responded "well, thank God for ex stepdad doing all that he does for her" I'm not entirely sure how to take that... I think in some ways my mother feels sorry for Little Idiot (even though she knows all the stuff she pulled while living here with us).... but at the same time, she's right, DH DOESN'T do much for his daughter.
 

Sure, if she lived here and asked him to call the insurance company and handle it for her, he would most likely do it... but she doesn't ask. She runs to ex stepdad. Ex stepdad is listed as her emergency contact on various things. Ex stepdad gets Christmas gifts. She even wanted ex stepdad to walk her down the aisle with DH.

I am just not sure how to feel about the whole things other than... GOOD. At least I don't have to deal with it bwa ha ha ha ha. 

Comments

Elea's picture

Your Mom is just being realistic. She knows little idiot is still family no matter how stupid she is and therefore a likely burden to whichever family member is sucker enough to bail her out. Just be happy someone else is handling it and none of your household resources are going to LI. 

AlmostGone834's picture

Right but even being family only goes so far. Doesn't mean you disown them for being stupid but at some point you can't solve all their problems for them either. They need to be responsible for themselves eventually. People do get burned out.

JRI's picture

First, your mom is showing polite interest.  Second, exSF is helping.  Count your blessings for now, your mom could be unpleasant and exSF could be washing his hands.  All is good today.

AlmostGone834's picture

Oh yes, I'm very greatful that he is shouldering the load with LI. He allowed her to live with him for over a year. He helped her out when her first car broke down and when she wrecked her second car and now with this 3rd car. He's been a far more tolerant SP than I ever could have dreamed of being. 

Elea's picture

I wish the step diablas had a SD. But alas, BM is too dysfunctional to attract a man. She uses the SDiablas to fulfill her emotional needs. 

AlmostGone834's picture

Ex stepdad divorced BM because she cheated on him (and also I think he got sick of BM not working). Unfortunately, he was the only one keeping everything afloat for the family so things rapidly spiraled downward for BM afterwards. He's the father of LI's two younger siblings (and has custody of them) but has always treated all 4 kids as his own. Still, LI always comes to us (and not him)asking for $ but atleast he played a part in getting her out of my house so I'm grateful for that. 
Stepfathers can go either way. They can just as easily cause problems (by egging BM on to squeeze your DH for more money or trying to dump off the kids on you) in some situations as well as solve them. 

Elea's picture

True, I would hate for hypothetical S-Dad to get sick of SD's and send them here more often. They are adults so no chance the new SDad would see SDiablas as his own. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

My son (21) was in a wreck a while back and he asked what to do. I listed it out step by step (call police, get report, call insurance company, etc.) What LI would have benefitted most from was someone helping her to handle it herself. Ex stepdad just doing everything is enabling her, and your DH shouldn't feel bad for being "outdone." At least the good thing, as others have said, is that as long as ex stepdad is alive LI won't be coming to you guys first. 

advice.only2's picture

In reality most people outside of stephell only have a peripheral view of what is going on which makes it easier for them to empathize with skids.  I know with Spawn from the outside people saw a girl whose mom was a drug addict, whose dad was a Disney parent and a SM who seemed to resent her for no reason.   That created a great amount of empathy for Spawn from all of my family and friends.

As for the SF situation, it’s either one of two things.  He sees what completely useless parents LI has so has stepped in to be the one person who can be a solid in her life.  Or it’s a way for him to one up DH by always being the person to ride to LI’s rescue.  Either way at least LI has somebody who will bail her out in a pinch so it doesn’t have to be you.

SeeYouNever's picture

It's good that she has somebody that's taking care of her and it's even better that it doesn't have to be you or your DH. She's lucky she has somebody like ex stepdad and her life.

Of course yes you're right your DH doesn't do too much for his own child, other people are probably never going to understand all the reasons for that.

It's natural to want to jump up and defend your spouse when somebody insults them even if it's your own mom making a little comment like that. But you know what she's right. Though we are going to love our spouses flaws and all even if those flaws include their poor parenting and the products of it.

I've learned to limit who I talk to about step life and limit the information that they get about it. If you were spilling all the gossip about your life to your mom then it gives her a chance to be judgy about it. Information about my step life is on a strictly need to know basis and most people do not need to know.

ESMOD's picture

It may not have really been meant as a slight either.. just that she knows the girl needs help.. and is thankful she has someone helping her.. and not even thinking that "it should be her dad".. 

 

SeeYouNever's picture

True. It's easy to get defensive regarding step family stuff because it I feel like you always need to have your emotional guard up.

Elea's picture

"Information about my step life is on a strictly need to know basis" - - - This! I had to learn the hard way. I had just come out of a relatioship with a nut job (ex DH) when I met my current DH and I was quite naive thinking that now that ex's crazy was in the rear view mirror it was clear sailing and people like DH's family would be reasonable.

Well, DH's family are reasonable but not when it comes to DH's kids. They don't know what they are like behind closed doors on a day-in and day-out basis. I have learned to not say a word. I now let family figure it out for themselves. Over time the Sdiablas are revealing themselves to be high drama. OSD especially devolves into some kind of emotional "poor me" meltdown at nearly every family gathering. I'm pretty sure DH's family is starting to get it. Of course they only have to deal with SD's maybe once a year for a few hours ... so not so hard compared to their extended stays in my house. Still, I think some family members are beginning to see the light. I always privately think that people who think Sdiablas are so great should have them stay at THEIR house. They can have em.

I also find that one benefit of being a step-parent is that people rarely ask me how I feel about SD's. If they do ask they only want to hear one answer which is "Everything is great! No problems."  So now that's the answer I give unless I am talking to another SM that gets it.

OSD can put on a great public front for short bursts of time. One professional that works with several of our family members and only knows SD superfically said, "She's the daughter I always wished I had." LOL Well, she's the daughter I wish I NEVER had. You can take her!

thinkthrice's picture

(Privately) that the walking wallet (aka StepDaddyBigBucks) is still forking out $$ to the ferals.  Keeps us off the radar.  Of course the ferals have the narrative that Chef is a "deadbeat dad who abandoned his lovely family" and "divorce is a sin...blah blah" (TM)

Most recently from a social media post SDBB was springing for a meal on YSS's (20) birthday with OSS (26) in tow.  Glad our CS could pay for it indirectly (CS goes to 21 here)

I agree your Mom is going along to get along and if she had to experience the stupidity up close and personal, she would soon change her tune.  LI 's relationship with ex-stepdad may be an outcropping of rebellion against the SkunkApe, which seems ironic as LI is a clone of the SkunkApe.

Winterglow's picture

Given your husband's general attitude that she has it all covered (his excuse for doing nothing,he doesn't want to have to actually do anything - I e. it's a copout), he's probably thrilled that someone is taking up his slack.

 

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

Well its true your mother is right (mothers always know best) but you really dont have a dog in this fight. Thats your husband choice to be a secondary parent to his daughter and let the stepfather and the BM step in as primary parents. This dynamic has worked for them for years and it will remain that way. In your situation, all you can do is watch and be a silent audience to their dynamics. Its better this way trust me. Some ppl have the opposite. Where the bio parent has to handle all the financials and admin issues of the adult children but when it comes to fun and life events they go to their stepdads....

 

Stepfathers are different and often touted as these amazing pure hearted ppl who will do anything for their steps while stepmothers are evil, angry and jealous. Double standards of society. When stepfathers arent well liked in a family or act abusive, it can go on for decades with many excuses. A stepmother has no right to even as much express her disagreement with anything in the family and would immediately be attacked for any inappropriate behaviors

At the end, all seems well for you and that is in part thanks to the other stepparent to be honest. I would love for the BMs to have stepdads for their kids but none of them are able to maintain relationships....super annoying.