It has been a toxic nightmare for 18 years, my DH and I went no contact with adult SDs in the last 2 years. My DH has recently been diagnosed with dementia, the SDs continue the pressures they have recruited my sister in law and her daughter and now they are all pressing that we need to let them back into our lives because they are family. We are dealing with narcissists and already know they will only cause problems, take advantage of our situation and cause huge upsetting that we don't need. In the past things were so bad, their behavior was affecting my health.

Carolyn Hax got it so right about a father tracking his kids via their phones:

Dear Carolyn: I have two children, 15 and 18. Their father and I have been divorced over a decade and are both remarried. We share custody 50/50. We do pretty well as co-parents and try hard to keep the kids out of the middle when we do disagree.

I recently found out their father and his wife track the kids frequently on an app, both during “their” time and “our” time with the kids. This is bothersome to me for a number of reasons.

I know finances can be an issue in the healthiest of relationships/families, but in dysfunctional step-families, they fuel a bona fide s-show. One early red flag was after BM learned we were dating: Suddenly, the "needs" ($) of the skids ramped up (DH mentioned this to me with a bewildered look on his face). It was unusual that yet another laptop or iPad had broken and needed replaced; iPods had to purchased; new cell phones were needed; there were camps to attend; professional photograph sittings*; etc. BM did not have a good job and complained of struggling.

Been saving some FB post and reels mainly self help stuff advising on setting boundaries with toxic narcissitic folks. I guess social media is good for something. 

The bottom line is clear across the board: We are all dealing with some majorly F@#$ed up People and its not our job to heal them.

I believe that my DH knows his kids are jerks, deep down. He lives in a fantasy world sometimes but now and then the truth slips out.

I showed DH a photo of a mini donkey on one of our neighborhood pages. So stinkin' cute. Owner was looking to rehome it.

DH says, "I don't need a donkey. I have a daughter."  Took me a minute and then I couldn't help but laugh. 

How has your DH/DW acknowledged that their kids are difficult without saying they are difficult?

Noticed alot of discussion around struggling with any meddling relatives  or anyone's assumptions about what the role of SM is "supposed to be."  Especially to those who have chosen the disengagment route. 

Do you ( still)  struggle with worrying about how you are perceived by anyone on DH's side over your decision? or OVer your feelings about your stepspawns?  

The disengaging is a double-edged sword post kinda hit me hard. So easy to not text but then you get a polite text, so I respond. Then, the visiting issue... it really is easier to attend then to have DH, MIL, SS and SD all upset at you. The thing is, I feel like complete s!!!! When they visit because there's soooo much focus on DH, it actually makes me feel like I'm going to run out at any moment.... I'm not good at being ok when I have to be around them all...

Ladies and gentlemen start your popcorn!  Chef's nephew, the Mechanic, who is the adult son of Mr Not So Neutral, and who promised to rebuild Chef's vintage vehicle in exchange for a brand new fancy heating system has gotten engaged to party girl BM2.

We haven't seen hide nor hair of either of them since Chef put in that huge, top of the line heating system for them in their garage for free.  Crickets about the vintage vehicle as well.   Most of the vintage vehicle parts remain cluttered up in my garage so they haven't so much as touched one bolt on it I'm sure.

That is the question. This will be long. 

 

I don’t know what to think anymore. Last week Thursday, I complained to DH I didn’t feel he was giving me the attention I wanted as a woman. I know he’s struggling with the ED thing but it doesn’t always have to be about sex, we can cuddle, hang out, hug, whatever. 

He said he just needs a day where I’m not complaining about what he doesn’t do. 

 

Omg .... nothing worse than trying to figure out who is better 

worrying if they somehow know

feeling guilty knowing intel they don't and not trying to inadvertently hurt anyone

And feeling anxiety that the wrong choice will leave me single for decades

Matter of fact all this thinking has me think maybe I should just be like eff it and eliminate them both

maybe I'm better off single with less stuff to think about