I just feel like the life is being drained out of me
DH and I agreed to split all bills and that we would keep separate checking accounts. It worked great for awhile and then DH was laid off his job. I had to take up the slack while he found a job. He was unemployed no longer than a month but it took him two years to find a job that paid as much as he was making before he was laid off. Of course, majority of the bills were paid by me during the two year period.
Since I was able to take care of the bills for two years, DH has been slacking at times paying his share of the bills. He will tell me that he will pay me next paycheck. It frustrates me because I still have to pay everything on my own and not really count his share. There are times he will skip an entire month paying the bills. His mom was in the hospital and he had to drive to another state to see her. According to his aunts, she was on her death bed. She made a quick recovery. He spent a lot of money when he was there and couldn't pay me. Of course, even though he didn't have a lot of money he took SD along. He had to pay for meals out every day for over a week for both of them. The hospital was almost 2 hours away from MIL's house. He would stay at MIL's house at night and drive to the hospital every morning. I understand that he was worried about his mom and he needed to be there. I am upset because it never crossed his mind to go to the store and buy food. He could have ate breakfast and dinner at MIL's. He never once thought about the expense of taking SD with him.
Now, DH is anxious to go see MIL again next month and wants me to go with him. Let me rephrase this, he wants me to go and pay half the expense. He keeps telling me that his Mom wants to see me. I usually let DH take SD to his mom's house and I stay home. Next month is NOT a good month for me. My youngest son, who has high functioning autism, will be going into a 9 week program to help with life skills. I am still waiting on the paperwork to determine what day he will be going. I will have to take off work and drive him about 2 hours away. My oldest son and his wife's baby is due next month around the 6th. I would like to here. It will be my first grand child. I have asked DH to pick a different month...NO, it has to be November because it will snow in December. I am not going.
I have been looking at buying a house. Since my youngest has graduated from school, I am ready to move out of this town. I know that the down payment will be mostly from me and I know I would need to pick something in MY budget. The house will be in my name because dh's credit stinks. Dh is pushing to get a house NOW. He is ready to move NOW. He promises me that he can give me more money. YEAH, right. Since I am buying it, I want a house that fits my needs. DH is looking for a bigger house. He wants a three bedroom. We will do fine with a 2 bedroom home. I am just really getting so tired of listening to him complain that we need a bigger home. He wants a bigger house because he has this little dream that SD will be coming to live with us soon. She isn't coming to live with ME ever. I can't risk the fact of a false call to Social services because she doesn't get her way. She has already filed numerous claims on Bm. I can't risk the fact that she would say that my son did something to her. She has already lied about 2 other guys she said raped her. One is in jail now waiting for a trial.
In the beginning when I married DH, I didn't have any of these problems. I thought I found someone that would be there for me and be a partner. Now, it just seems like all the weight is on my shoulders and there isn't any support from him. I never expected to be around a child that was so vindictive. I should have known better. I was in a relationship prior to DH and I left that relationship because of his child. It is amazing because SD is EXACTLY like that child now. When I married DH, she had a few behavioral issues but nothing compared to now. I am so frustrated because he doesn't have any problem spending MY money. I am so glad that we got separate accounts. I am so glad that he doesn't have access to any of my credit cards. I am just so tired of having the life just drain out of me.
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Comments
What a loser/user he is.
What a loser/user he is.
You need to have a frank
You need to have a frank discussion with him about holding up his end of the household expenses. Tell him that just because you "can" cover your share and his share that you shouldn't HAVE to and he should not expect it. At this point, you have bent over backwards and supported him for 2 years...plus the lazy pays since then and it stops.today.
If he has other things come up, he is going to have to figure out how to afford them after he pays you... in fact, you will expect a payment of X amount out of each of his paychecks... after that, he can spend his money as he wishes.
I would be very tempted to add in an additional amount that would at least partially recoup what you were out for his 2 year job absence.
Right now, he is taking advantage of your kind nature. He probably feels it's ok because you can afford it and he can't and as partners you help each other out. Well, this street has been all one way to him hasn't it?
As far as the new house. I think that since you are going to be the one ultimately on the hook, you find a place that suits you financially. Now, I would advocate you buy a 3 bedroom 2 bath because I think they are relatively more marketable than a 2 br home in most areas. So, even if you don't really need it, it will help with resale. I would have clear boundaries on whether an adult skid would be living there though.
I agree with the others it's
I agree with the others it's time for a come to Jesus meeting.
You need to tell him what you're feeling and that you need him to step up and help out.
It may be that he doesn't know how hard it is for you. Men aren't mind readers and he may think things are just fine.
As for buying a house, not until all the financials are worked out and he has paid you back. I would also look into a postnuptial to be sure that everyone knows where they stand. Including a clause that says under no circumstances can his daughter live with you.
Seriously, you covering for
Seriously, you covering for him should have been a loan and he should be paying you back for every penny you've had to pick up the slack for.
This sounds unbelievably
This sounds unbelievably draining in multiple ways. When I read your story I see how much you've tried to help and support your husband. I also see that help and support turning to enabling because he is only abusing all the work you've put in and you aren't quite ready for boundaries.
Income does not decide how much of the bills he is obligated to pay, so the fact that he makes less does not mean he is entitled to place more of a strain on your finances so he can still afford to do fun things. He needs to be reminded that you paying more than your share of the bills was done so during a time of STRUGGLE. It is not something that works well nor is it something he is entitled to.
I am very glad that your finaces are split. There is little doubt in my mind that if he had access to your money the situation would be much worse. And I get what you're saying, it's not just about the money, it's the fact that you can't rely on this man. You don't feel like you have a partner who is your equal. You deserve those things. That is what he promised to you when he married you.
You sound like you know perfectly well how to carefully navigate finding a new house but it makes me feel better to just put it out there... DH's name has ZERO business being on the title of the house if he is not on the mortgage. Do not, under any circumstances, allow him to claim any type of ownership over a home for which he is not legally financially responsible. I made that mistake. Even if he contributes to the downpayment, if he is not a listed debtor on the mortgage, he should not start out on the title. That can all be changed later on down the road if he gets his sh** together.
Yes, you need to sit down
Yes, you need to sit down with him.
I did this with DH when he went through a period of low employment.
He's now got a good job but is still hedging on paying his share of two loan payments for house improvements we took on (necessary).
I let him know I was keeping track of what he owed me (including payback for SDs insurance cost during that time) for those loans, and extra groceries or other expenses (within reason - costs over what I would normally agree to cover). That list is available for him to review at any time.
I still have to ask him for payments once a month and he always gets irritated with me. I simply remind him that I agreed to cover AND now that he has a regular job he needs to make sure he pays me back regularly and on time. I shouldn't have to remind a grown man to do so.
And when he comes home from the store with "extras" for the SDs loaded with extra chocolate, treats, smoked salmon $$, etc. and he STILL hasn't paid me. Doesn't go over so well.
But I do hold him to it and my wallet is closed for any extras as of last month.
I don't have any advice for
I don't have any advice for your situation other than sitting down with him and going over all the finances again.
I know this is off topic, but regarding your youngest son, I have a couple questions: How old is he currently, and what kind of program is this to help with life skills? My SO's 8 year old son is also has high functioning autism and is trying to find other ways to help him. He has ABA therapy a couple mornings before school and then 2 hours on Saturday, but there are a lot of other areas in his life that need to be worked on, and my SO (nor me) can figure out how best to help him on our own. He also has very poor vision and his eye doctors keep saying there is nothing that can be done, just have to wait and see.... right now he has to be right on top of things to see them, and he doesn't pay attention when walking(running most of the time actually, he will not just walk at a normal pace unless you hold his hand) and he is constantly running into things. So I was wondering if you have any advice of what to do at home and other possible outside resources to look into/ask about.
I agree sit him down and
I agree sit him down and state the following
DH - you found employment thus you will have to
1.pay your half of the house hold expenses, I can't afford it all on my own. You stop paying it all you simply put the bills in front of him and say, hand over the money
2. We are not going to buy a house now, we can't afford it.
3. When you do buy the house be clever woman, the whole mortgage will be in your name, you invoice DH monthly for half of the payment as "rent"
this way if you ever get a divorce he can't say half of the house belongs to him... he merely rented the house from you
I will demand automatic subtraction from his pay check monthly for bills... yes I'm that kind of woman. And as for MIL who wants to see you... call her and say, MIL I am sorry but due to financial reasons and other obligations I will not be able to come with DH to see you.... I bet ya she's going to be confused and say she never expected you to come, then you can tell DH to stop spinning stories to get a hold of money and if he does not have money to visit his own mother it's his problem not yours
I'm less tolerable of this
I'm less tolerable of this kind of crap after dealing with my XH.
If it were me, I'd give him a deadline. You're buying a house by X date. If he wants to move WITH you, he needs to make X number of payments ON TIME for HIS AND SD'S shares of the expenses AND have Y amount saved for the down payment/utility transfer, etc. If he can't make that happen, then you'll move without him. Not divorce him, necessarily, but you won't keep subsidizing his lifestyle at your expense.
He doesn't like it? Fine, file for divorce. No adult human being doesn't know that this is user behavior. You need to live YOUR life if he won't live a UNITED life with you.
^^ Definitely this. There is