How would you feel? Spouse spying
A friend of mine found out recently that her DH has been spying on her phone and computer. She hasn't been cheating or giving him any reason to spy. I am sure she isn't cheating. We tell each other EVERYTHING. I will not go into to many details of how she found out about it but it p@ssed her off. He was reading text and social media messages and spying on her online activities. She didn't have her computer locked or her phone locked. She had it lying around and he could have looked at either one at any time he wanted without her saying anything. He used a spy program to spy on her.
She stated that she has lost all trust in her spouse and that she is really thinking about divorce. She can't seemed to get passed it. She is crushed and hasn't told him that she knows yet. I am the only one that knows so far.
This is her second marriage. Her first husband did the same thing. He watched every move she made and he was the one cheating on her. Her DH knows that her first husband did this.
Would you find it a total deal breaker for you? Would you talk to DH/SO and see why he did it even though you are sure he will deny that he did it? Would there be a reason that you would accept? Would you buy a new phone and new computer and put a lock on them, change all passwords and things like that?
I feel so bad for her because she feels so violated. She didn't have anything to hide but her DH made her feel like she did. Is she overreacting? She thinks that maybe he is the one that has something to hide. She feels that he could be cheating on her just like her first husband.
I am just trying to get some input to help her out.
Edited to add:
She found the spyware on her computer. She was looking through her apps/programs and found it. She googled the name of the app and found out that it was used for spying on her computer. Long story short, she tried his user name and password and it worked. Yeah, very smart dude. After she found it on her computer, she decided to search her phone and found an app used for spying on it too.
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I personally feel that if the
I personally feel that if the trust in a relationship is so degraded that a partner is using spying software, it probably isn't salvageable. But also I think it's even more devastating because this has happened before. I think devastating things like grief and trauma tend to compound and get harder to heal from and the fact he knew this had happened before and repeated these behaviors is troubling.
I wasn't in this exact situation but caught my ex in lies, which he then lied about some more, which made my brain...foggy. It helped that I'd documented things and could go back and look and remember what the truth was. So if she hasn't documented evidence of the spyware, I'd encourage her to do so. And I guess I'd personally want to confront a partner about that. For me, watching my ex lie, even though it fogged my brain, was helpful in the end because it helped my see The toxic pattern.
Ps
I just googled how to spy on someone's phone, and HOLY MOSES IT IS TERRIFYINGLY EASY!!! It makes me scared and want to protect my phone, but I guess all I'm hoarding is dominos coupons. But still. Yikes. Why is this so common???
My Dad use to say....
"A skunk smells its own scent first", he was referring to my Ex, who was a cheater that basically spied on me all through the short time we were married. Once we were divorced, he finally admitted that he had been cheating on me and wanted to make sure that I didn't suspect him of anything. So yeah, to me this is a huge RED FLAG. I have been married to DAH for over 30 years and never once has he ever tried anything like this. Hell, he won't even get anything out of my purse, he will bring my purse to me to get what he needed.
Let your friend know that she needs to start doing her own investigating, chances are her DH is cheating on her, or is guilty of something that he doesn't want her to know about.
I found out that my sisters
I found out that my sisters soon to be EX did this plus had cameras all over the house to keep watch. Tell your friend to look.
Effing creeps. Never did this never would, neither would DH.
My exH did this to me.
My exH did this to me. Because he was unfaithful, he projected his behaviors on to me.
When I found out I intentionally started searching topics such as divorce lawyers. What to do when your husband is spying on you. How to leave a toxic relationship.
He came and confessed that night. He did so many unforgivable things, that at that point I didn't even care. Our relationship was unsalvageable.
Hard to believe this is his
Hard to believe this is his only untrustworthy behavior. Deal breaker for me.
Yeah
He's cheating. My 2nd husband (Awesomeson's dad) would constantly accuse me of cheating. Turns out he was cheating.
So sorry for your friend, it
So sorry for your friend, it sounds like her spouse is the one with the problem and is probably cheating on her. I hope she finds the courage to confront him and leave him.
My DH did this. I was
My DH did this. I was actively drinking at the time. He had stopped drinking but was cheating on me. He deleted important personal emails. He also found posts I had made on Scary Mommy.
We've since reconciled. Neither of us drink anymore and he sought help for his issues that led to his cheating.
If this were to happen now, I would walk out. Trust is a two way street.
I have to say that it's
I have to say that it's pretty interesting that this guy and her EX did the same thing. Either there is something about they type of guy she attracts/chooses.. or there is something about the way she interracts with her partners that give them reason to question her truthfulness with them. (not giving a pass on spying in the latter case.. but might explain how two different guys took the same route?)... I guess a third option is there is someone in HER circle that is getting in these men's ears about her making them question.
I'm sureprised that there is literally no other evidence of them having suspicions of her other than the software.. are they controlling or suspicious in other ways to her? Is she missing red flags?
Personally, I might have a difficult time forgiving someone for breaching my privacy.. but I do think that she should confront her SO with evidence of the spying. I would also demand counseling if I was inclined to continue the relationship.
From what I can see
from the outside looking in the husband isn't controlling but I know from experience that we never know what goes on behind closed doors. She hasn't mentioned anything about him being controlling either.
I personally think that she is drawn to this type of man. She has been married to him for awhile now and I haven't really seen him that much. It is usually just the girls hanging out without any guys when we are together.
I don't have anything to hide
I don't have anything to hide, but to be distrusted without cause would be a dealbreaker for me. Jealous and insecure people are jealous and insecure. It has everything to do with their issues and not their partner. It also has very little to do with anything that happened to them. Satan cheated on DH and he still trusts me completely, and vice versa. I have Zero Tolerance for jealousy, and have ended relationships because of it.
It's not just the spying, it spills out in the form of crazy accusations and passive aggressive hostility. Including having an affair themselves.
A relationship is not ownership of another person, and doesn't give anyone license to attack someone's character arbitrarily.
I don't understand jealousy, tbh. I'm the cat's meow, and if someone wants to be with someone else, that's their loss, and something I have no control over.
Psycho exh accused me of
Psycho exh accused me of cheating on him when he was the one cheating.
If this is new behavior for him after many years, he is either cheating or hiding something and worried you'll find out. Regardless: YUGE red flag.
My counselor once told me..
My counselor once told me.. we tend to find the same person with a different face.