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I refuse to clothe the SD6!

stressedstep's picture

So OH pays maintenance to BM for SD6. Yet BM doesnt buy jack s**t for SD6, she expects OH to do this on top of what he pays. BM doesnt see the issue, as I work.......yup, she thinks I should pay toward HER kids.

Well, I used to buy clothes and shoes and such for SD6, but only to be kept at my home. SD6 stops at ours on night then with MIL the next night on weekends. SD6 would wear the clothes we bought to MIL, but I kinda stopped that some time ago, cos MIL was sending SD6 home to BM in the clothes I had paid for.

Anyway, for the last few months now, Ive refused to buy anything for SD6. She has very minimal clothing at mine now. We are due to go away in May for a week, and I have already started buying bits for BD6 ready for the holiday. So, am I wrong to not buy for SD6? I mean, its not my responsibility is it??

OH and me have separate accounts. He transfer money each week for house bills only, after that his money is his and mine is mine, so it should be OH that buys for HIS daughter whislt I continue to be for MY daughter?

Or, am I being selfish?????


stressedstep's picture

I get that. BM doesnt look after SD6 clothes. Everytime she comes to us, both me and MIL end up washing her coats and school bags cos they stink of grease and fags. Dont get me wrong, me and OH smoke, but we go outdoors. But then we work. BM and her partner just sit at home all day smoking!.

When SD6 is growing out of clothes or whatever, I send them back with her because normally Ive re-bought clothes for her. But like I said this time I havnt and im having little guilt trips about it. Im so not a selfish person, so when I am it drives me nuts! lol

OH doesnt take responsibility, so its sort of aimed at him too if im honest. He transfers money for half towards the house bills, then does what he wants with the rest. Yet if SD6 needs anything, its me that pays for it! In fairness, thats what started my whole "im not clothing your child!" lark.

Then, if I buy something for BD6, OH might say "oh SD6 needs some of those" then I feel bad cos I didnt buy for SD6! I used to cave everytime, so Im holding strong at the moment. Ive not even told OH about all the bits Ive bought for BD6.

Its like the other day, BD6 has been saving her "tooth fairy" money, and had £10 saved plus a couple of quid, so OH said "we'll take her to Toys R Us". Now remember, BD6 had saved this. SD6 never saves her pocket money, so OH just gave her a £10 to spend so she didnt feel left out! Well hang on, SD6 should have saved her money then!!

But thats just me. To make it fair I gave BD6 another £10 to save! Smile

stressedstep's picture

SD6 is aware she smells, she only has a bath when she is with us. BM hasnt even taught SD6 how to wipe properly after toilet. I taught SD6. SD6 gets so embarrassed. I remeber once BM dumped SD6 at BM's mothers and left her there with the odd visit for 9 months. OH went to pick SD6 up for his normal night and BMs mother said she didnt know OH was coming for SD6. SD6 and been to the loo, had a number 2 and couldnt wipe herself. BM mother wouldnt help. When OH turned up she quickly tried to clean her up. SD6 came to ours (I kid you not) covered in s**t. SD6 was so so embarrassed. I bathed her and changed her clothes for her.

Re CO, they not even divorced yet (I know, me and OH been together nearly 4 years!). The payments were mutually agreed according to the guidelines the Govt set. BM hasnt argued cos she knows there is nothing she can do, as legally, OH would be required to pay LESS. She has been told time n time again that the payments OH makes got towards the Social money she receives just for the kids, her dole money is a separate thing. Its just BM and her families expectations (You made the baby you pay for it) They are all the same. OH told me he was blinded for a good few years then saw it and tried to take BM out it. They were the only ones in BM's large family to actually own a house and have a dad that worked! lol Seriously, proper scutter family. SS19 and SS17 dont live with BM, as she kicked them out. They lived with us for a bit but that didnt work out (as my blogs share). She only has SD6 to take care of. BM just doesnt care.

stressedstep's picture

BM gets 2 different types of social benefit for SD6 on top of what OH gives to her. Plus has a 3rd benefit that pays for her as an adult. The Govt stipulates that the child benefit and tax credits for SD6 plus OH's payments is enough to bring a child up adequately. The payments OH makes according to the guidelines is all that he is required to do to cover everything, including food, clothing etc, because BM gets the extra benefits on top.

Plus rent and council tax paid. BM is better off than us! lol She is just selfish, she always looks well turned out, her kids do not!!

Aeron's picture

"Oh SD needs some of those". Oh, we'll I got them at x. I guess you should go shopping there with SD if she needs things. Then Walk Away. If finances are separate and he's not giving you any reimbursement for what you buy for her then he needs to take her himself if he wants her to have things. It is Not your job and it is not selfish. The way you have things set up now, he's using you which will lead to resentment and anger. If he wants to get angry over this, I'd personally ask him if he wants to be with me or my bank account because you have no responsibility to be buying this child things. He cannot legitimately cry Unfair. He needs to parent up here.