SS19....Im disengaging and WILL force him to move out...
So, SS19 is STILL dossing on my sofa....he literally has nowhere else to go....so OH has told him he needs to get his social sorted and a job...I text OH on Friday gone and said that a little cafe by my works (one I use everyday, I know the owners!) were asking for staff, just a delivery lad, but its a paid job....I told OH, and said that SS19 stood a really good chance (80% guarantee) of getting the job...I told the owner that I would send SS19 up on the Saturday, which he was chuffed about as they desperate!
OH spoke with SS19, and read him the riot act...this will be the second job Ive secured for SS19 (the first was with my brother and SIL's company)..and that he couldnt screw up like he did before....SS19 is like totally happy, excited etc and says he wont....he goes out Friday evening with his mates, says "ill be back by 10.30" and that was the last we saw of him until Saturday evening.....OH was NOT amused, especially after he had tried to contact SS19....
On Sunday morning, OH had a word with SS19 about the the fact he didnt go to the interview...and then it all kicked off....OH went mad, SS19 basically couldnt be a*sed to go....he chose to just doss about instead....and it didnt stop...on 3 different occasions OH laid into SS19, telling various home truths about his attitude, his behaviour, his laziness his lack of anything really.....OH called him a sofa dosser and sofa surfer, highlighted that at nearly 20 he had nothing, had achieved nothing hadnt even worked properly (and that doing 3-4 weeks in a job wasnt classed as "I used to work")....SS19 didnt like it and stormed off...locked himself in the bathroom!....when he came back down 15 minutes later, OH went out to him and asked...
"what did you storm off for? didnt you like what I said? Have I done your head in?"...
SS19 just said "no" to begin with...then he uttered the immortal lines that both SS19 and SS17 use to get back at OH....
"you were never there for us as kids....you didnt and dont do anything for us...what kind of dad are you" etc....to which OH replied
"who the f*ck clothed you, kept a roof over your head, fed you, got you too and from school, taught you (etc) cos it werent your f*cking mother mate, it was me! Whose f*cking sofa you dossing on YET again cos your mommykins wont have you...where have you dossed on and off for the last three f*cking years....Oh yeah...with your dad!! If you feel that way son, do one!"..........so SS19 did one...and stormed out the house....
OH went to see his mate after all this, and BM called OH whilst he was there.....had a go, said that since they split she has felt like a single parent (she kicked her lads out at 16 years old!!) and has no support....OH replied "how many nights has SS19 stopped on your sofa for BM? Over the past 3 years how many times have YOU put him up?"....then told BM the truth of what happened as the usual lies had been spurted out...BM went quiet then......
Oh comes home a few hours after and tells me whats happened and such...and then tells me that apparently SS19 WAS ON HIS WAY BACK TO MY HOME!!! THE CHEEKY LITTLE F*CKER!!! :jawdrop:
Ive not spoke with him, this is the last straw for me.....I will not help this b*astard any more.....I kicked him out at 7am this morning and told him "to go sort the council out"...and I will do the same tomorrow, and the day after and every damn day until the little sh*t has gone.....
I cannot believe after everything that SS19 said that he had the sheer audacity to come back.....but then, he has nowhere else to go, cos nobody else will have him....
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Its a bit mad, but OH just
Its a bit mad, but OH just text as I was saving this to blog.....I spoke to him last night before he left to see his mate, and he had a conversation with his mate last night too about BOTH the boys.......he has given another chance, to both, but has now said that he is done....that he cant keep putting up with the sh*t anymore...
What OH told SS19 about the "crap dad" routine, I told SS19 when he had not long turned 18 cos he pulled it on me about his dad, BM everyone....and he didnt listen,.....at the end of teh day SS19 wants his hand held and allowed to doss as and when and where he pleases, and Im hoping to god that OH has finally seen this.....
Worst part?..On Friday afternoon SS19 told me that as kids, when his dad told him off, BM mollycoddled him and his brothers, and that my MIL wrapped them all up in cotton wool....he admitted that he had been mothered and mollycoddled and such......and thats what is the problem with ALL of OHs kids.....they are mollycossled far too much.....
I agree with this.....but OH
I agree with this.....but OH doesnt 100% agree with it...this is because MIL allowed OH to go to and from everytime he argued or whatever with BM.....plus, I remember a conversation OH had with MIL, where she was totally against it too! lol
Thing is, MIL and such are NOT the ones putting up with it, and OH worked so he wasn't dossing in MILs house and he was paying his board...SS19 doesnt do any of that!
He does literally have nowhere to go,and he would end up on a bench, thats a fact, so all im doing is FORCING him to sort something out before the bench becomes his reality....
The chances of a parent
The chances of a parent kicking out a child he/she knows isn't able to support himself is slim to none. If dad told him to get out and right now, where would he go? How would he eat and where would he sleep?
No matter how angry dad may he or how wrong his son is, he will at least give the jerk a place to sleepy and meals until he gets his shit together.
Its true but at the same time
Its true but at the same time when does the free ride stop?
My parents reached that point with my step brother, yes that meant my step brother ended up sleeping at his friends houses and then in his car when he ran out of friends but he got the message (well, hes now been re-kicked out as hes nearly 30 and is living with another relative)
Give him hard deadlines.
Give him hard deadlines. Stay on him about getting a job. Once he has a job make him move as soon as he has enough saved for 1st month's rent and security.
It's easy to say toss his ass out when it isn't your kid. Hell, it's easy to say what you will do until you are faced with throwing your own kid into the street.
But thats her problem,
But thats her problem, they've done that. Step mum has even lined up two job oppourtunities for him, yet he "couldnt be bothered" to attend the interview. You cant keep on at someone about getting a job when they are not doing anything to try to gain one. This most recent mess up with this interview was his chance to prove that he was trying to better his situation but no he instead chose to go out with his friends and avoid the situation but still expects them to shelter him?
It is incredibly difficult to face the concept of throwing your child on the street, but sometimes youve got to give them a taste of reality. Im not saying cut him off entirely, Im not even saying kick him out for good but you like any punishment you cant keep saying "if you dont do XX then YY will happen" and not follow through with it.
Ok, Neither are "into"
Ok, Neither are "into" drugs.....OH smoked weed, and went through a 6 month period of cocaine....which he has been clean from for 4 months nearly...he quit the weed too.....
SS19 likes weed, but doesnt have it very often, he cant afford his ciggies let alone weed! So, SS19 not the druggie.....
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Kick him out. Seriously
Kick him out. Seriously chances are he wont even end up sleeping rough, he will sleep over at a friends. If he was able to go out with mates on friday night and not come back till saturday night because he "couldnt be bothered" to attend an interview then he has used up his last chance.
From his point of view, you all ride his ass about it, you chew his ear and tell him off but at the end of the day what are the consequences? He is sometimes forced to do things around the house but he is still able to come and go as he pleases, yes you are kicking him out at 7am to sort social but it wouldnt surprise me if he goes round the McDonalds or some other place as social wont be open till later. He will sulk and kill a bit of time, might even make it into the social office but if hes anything like my step brother he will get bored waiting and leave or just not do what they tell him to do.
From your point of view he is on thin ice, on his point of view hes catching a free ride because really what can you do? He doesnt believe you that you will kick him out, he doesnt believe that his dad will ever really do it to him and why should he? He is still throwing around "you didnt do enough for us so you owe me" bullsh*t.
If MIL is so against it then she is welcome to have him sofa surf at her house. Maybe she will if you kick him out, but you know what? Not your problem and its not your DHs problem when SS is doing nothing to try to better his situation.
Now if he was sending job applications, attending interviews, doing all the stuff social told him and was hitting a brick wall due to red tape then its a different matter, point is he is not even trying. So he gets cut. Simple.
WOW!! Thanks all.... Id kick
WOW!! Thanks all....
Id kick him out in a heartbeat, hell he wouldnt have even been on my sofa...HOWEVER as someone above said, its easy to say when its not your kid...This is the second job Ive lined up for him, the first was was about 12/15 months ago, he got the job and screwed it up...he didnt even attend the interview on the second one! Ive also set his home too...found him two properties to rent, he took the one (the wrong one in everyones opinion) and he lost that too..hence why he is on the sofa....
OH feels that its his son, no matter how angry or annoyed he gets with him...also if he washed his hands of him BM and her family start slating OH down to SD7 who comes and asks very awkward questions and says things cos they have been in her ear....sop OH does puts up with alot to protect SD7 at home...
His mate and I have both told OH to f*ck them off (both SSs) cos of all the sh*t and give them tough love, but we know how that turns out..OH wont even be able to collect SD7 without BM and family verbally and physically attacking him and/or the car, all in front of SD7....
Re Friday night; Im assuming it was a mate, but the fact that he is at mine and not anywhere else is how we know he has nowhere else to go...nobody will have him...yet me and OH will be sl*gged down to sh*t if we dont....we always do!!
MIL lives 45 minutes drive away, but if she still lived in her old house, she would totally enable him and have him there.....without a doubt...and she would be mug enough to put up with it and MIL would carry on too!!....Dont get me wrong, she doesnt condone the behaviour, just that when we all know he has nowhere to go, we should put him up...
I understand this, my parents
I understand this, my parents were exactly the same....and Ill be the same with my BIOs if I feel thats the route that needs to be taken, but the SKids are not my control...OH parents them.....and we have had very different upbringings!!
Both SSs are school dropouts too.... and SD7 wouldnt be in school at all if it wasnt for me....