DH and his cyber-wandering eye.
Probably no surprise to anyone who has read my blog posts that my marriage has been strained. It has been awhile since I have felt good about myself about much of anything... the monotony of life has gotten me down.
Anyway, I "stalked" DH's facebook from mine last night. I looked at his recently added friends. I tend to do shit like this when I am bored. Yes, I know it screams "insecurity."
So, he has been friend requesting sexy, attractive strangers. His recently added friends were 5 hot girls, a couple from out of state. When I asked him why he felt compelled to seek out attractive women, he at first said they friended him. Well that obviously is not true. So I told him to kindly save me the lie and just explain it to me. I told him I know men are visual creatures, but if he is going to seek out real women on facebook, kindly delete my pictures and change the relationship status to single. He then told me I cut him down all the time and make him feel worthless and that is why he did it. I make him feel the size of a pea.
So, step talkers, that is the current state of my marriage. And I admit I do have a lot of resentment and I do sometimes talk down to him, criticize etc. I have been working on that but sometimes I still do it. Then I feel ashamed.
I am so fucking depressed lately.
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Sorry you are feeling this
Sorry you are feeling this way and going through this.
He should have no interest in being "Friends" with any of these strangers.
Would you guys do counseling? They may help.
Funny thing- a lot of these attractive "friends" are usually scammers, fake profiles, people who just want a lot of "friends"/ followers.
"He then told me I cut him
"He then told me I cut him down all the time and make him feel worthless and that is why he did it. I make him feel the size of a pea.
So, step talkers, that is the current state of my marriage. And I admit I do have a lot of resentment and I do sometimes talk down to him, criticize etc. I have been working on that but sometimes I still do it. Then I feel ashamed."
How convenient for him to figure out a way to blame his wrongdoings on YOU. It is quite obvious that he is friending women on facebook in the hopes of attracting some female attention. I am sure he is looking around in real time life as well.
No, you shouldn't be cutting him down all the time but then again, if he is exhibiting some real shortcomings or bad behaviors, shouldn't you call him on it?
For example, he is unemployed and sits around the house and you pay all the bills. It is completely within your rights and responsibilities to tell him to get off his LAZY behind and go get a job and start contributing to the household.
On the other hand, if your put downs are related to the size of his ding dong, well, THAT is unnecessary.
This is your decision to make though. You need to decide if underneath all of the BS whether you think HE and your RELATIONSHIP are worth it. If it is worth trying to fix things, then you should get to counseling and see if things can be improved. If not, just rip the bandaid off. There is no sense in making yourself miserable with a person who will never fulfill the needs. I know the thought of being alone is intimidating but you will NOT find the RIGHT person if you continue to spend time with the wrong one.
I have verbally berated him
I have verbally berated him especially during the court drama. I told him he was a fucking idiot for having his kids. I told him he was an ex junkie, a moron, trash.
I have said some God awful things out of sheer rage. At that point I knew I had to make some major changes because as much as he is a man child and self centered at times, he never verbally abuses me. And I was so ashamed of how childish and insane I was being.
So we did some counseling. I also started soul searching, reading about anger management, meditating, etc. He even said he saw some improvements in my temper.
And then..... this. And I feel back to square one.
I just want people to know the full scope of things, as embarassing as it is to admit.
OK, I understand from what
OK, I understand from what you are saying that you have used his shortcomings and thrown them back in his face. I am assuming they were true but hurtfully used in an effort to wound right? I understand how we can sometimes say things in anger that aren't particularly kind or honestly aren't all that constructive either. It sounds like you did work on that a bit,but have not managed to quell all of it.
I am not necessarily going to give you a pass on that. You need to work on expressing your frustration more constructively. (end of the lecture on YOUR behavior lol).
Ok, this is where you need to do some serious soul searching. This is about the guy.
Why are you with him? What does he bring into your life that IMPROVES it? Is he a good provider? Is he thoughtful? Is he hard working? I'm not asking you what you think he "could be" but what is he now and what has he been in the past. Has he done good things for your life or bad things? Do his personal problems negatively impact your quality of life? Will you be better off with him or without him? I'm not saying that he might not be a "nice guy" but if his life is a chaotic trainwreck, I think that hooking your caboose is only going to result in you going over the cliff with him.
This isn't necessarily about blame here. You sound like you understand that the way you have talked to him wasn't all that nice but that still doesn't make it a good decision to stay with him if he is wrecking your life. If his dramarama is what is driving you to these heights of rage, step away.
I actually said similar to
I actually said similar to him. I said "what do you bring to MY life besides exhaustion and stress?" We actually had a calm, reasonable discussion about this a few nights ago. He told me he does appreciate me standing by him all these years when he did struggle with money, employment, substances, etc. over the years. We have been through a lot. He has made strides, definitely. I will say that. He doesn't do much at all besides work and stay home, never calls me names (he has definitely conquered his anger over the years, I wish I was at that point.)
But what he doesn't do anymore, is not enough. That is what I told him. YIPPEE for ME, you don't go out partying and switch jobs all the time anymore. How lovely! But what DO YOU BRING TO THIS RELATIONSHIP? And sometimes I can't figure that out.
He tells me that my constant criticism drive him to a point where he closes down. He feels afraid to say anything to me anymore, because all I do is nit pick, stress about finances, focus on the negative. And he is right about that.
I am constantly torn between working through issues or leaving.
To be honest, this isn't a
To be honest, this isn't a discussion to have with him. This is a soul searching discussion that you have with yourself.
So like you said, great, he isn't as bad as he was. But is that enough for you? Can you forgive him for the years of bad times because the ones now are "less bad" (you notice I didn't say good because they don't seem to be". It's like you should be grateful that you only have the flu because it isn't cancer.
I have a little saying "you only go around once". We only (unless you are into the reincarnation) have one chance at this life. Do you want to spend the rest of yours helping this guy who quite honestly has sucked at life?
What would your life be like without him? Where do you want to live? What do you want to do with the rest of your life? What would you do if he wasn't there holding you down/back?
I mean, I "get" the stalking of his facebook etc.. I have been in relationships where I didn't even like the person at all in the end and it was just the anger at someone thinking they were getting over on me or lying to my face that made me all the more mad. Even if I cared about the lying, I knew I didn't care for the person any more. Both situations are much better off in MY rearview.
It may be that no matter how much he improves, you just can't get past all the history and that's ok. That is the price he pays for what he did to your lives. He gets to do better next time and you get to find someone that doesn't have all that history.
However, I would suggest some time to learn to really love yourself and work on the resentment bucket that he filled up for you.
Thank you. I am really
Thank you. I am really trying to learn to love myself and to forgive and let go, not for him but for me.
He says I always dwell in the past... but to me it is not the past, I relive what I have gone through every day.
This is what I would suggest.
This is what I would suggest. Do you or he have another place you could go for a month? I mean do you have a friend or relative that either of you could temporarily stay with. I think you need to tell him that you understand that YOU are cutting him down and you hate the way that is working out. YOU want to take some time to sort out your emotions and the only way you can do it is ALONE.
The time apart will let each of you figure out how to move forward. Don't have any contact during the month. Live completely apart. See how things change without the constant reminder of that history and see whether that is a better way to live than the hurtful cycle you seem to be trapped in.
I truly can't think of a
I truly can't think of a single place I could go for a month.
extended stay hotel? Where
extended stay hotel?
Where would you go if you two separated? Or is the home yours? If so, HE can find a place to go for a month. Maybe one of those facebook friends...lol.
Seriously, I think you both need time apart to get your heads clear of all the BS.
I have no idea where the hell
I have no idea where the hell I would go. Maybe he should leave. He has the type of friends who wouldn't mind a couch surfer. And yes, perhaps he can rest his tired head on the fake tits of one of his new facebook friends.
I made my EX husband leave
I made my EX husband leave for a month. If I were you, I would suggest he do that. It's not necessarily a "I'm done with you" thing. I would say that you know that you bear responsibility for the way you talk to him to but you need a break from all the back and forth.
If you do it, do not stalk his facebook... do not call him... go out to dinner, meet friends, find an exercise class, do the thing that you haven't done because he was holding you back.
Have you wanted to take riding lessons??? DO IT. Pottery class? Cooking Class? Seminar on raising chickens? Book Club?
Go do YOU for a little while!
Tell him you need to focus on yourself and you can't do that while he is there. Tell him it will be good for him to examine his feelings and priorities too!
Actually, Janie, if you have
Actually, Janie, if you have no place to go, then focus on yourself anyway. Do announce it so he's not alarmed by the change in your behaviour, but taking care of yourself and putting yourself first is nothing you can't do with someone else in the room.
Can I ever? I do not know.
Can I ever? I do not know.
Do I want to? Yes, badly.
I do find a lot of it has to
I do find a lot of it has to do with the skids. Sheer rage and hatred about the money we have to spend and about BM bitch in my life forever. Sometimes I take out my irritation on him, actually all the time I do. He says to me "Janie I don't think you can accept that I have a past." I know it hurts him. Funny thing is, one week I feel cool with it and think "I can live with this, I like my life." The next week I feel like I want to run as far away as possible. I tend to drown in my feelings of anger and sorrow, I have trouble letting feelings come and go. My therapist once said to me that I will take these issues to each relationship I have.
He was a hot mess. Funny, his wounded boy antics actually drew me in as a stupid naive kid. Years later it makes me fucking sick when he acts irresponsible. But he will always be bad with money, he will never be great for an intellectual conversation. Hell, I knew this when he put the ring on my finger.
Security, acceptance,
Security, acceptance, transparency, and a little bit of fun. Probably in that order.
Security (financial)- no (he
Security (financial)- no (he is *trying* to climb up in his career) and BM sucks us dry. Acceptance.. yeah I will give him that. Transparency - I thought so until I discovered he is friend requesting hotties and he made excuses. and Fun- yes, right now we are in a bad place, but I would consider him to be someone I have fun with.
I think this is great,
I think this is great, thoughtful advice.
I know that I realized that my DS's dad was someone I shouldn't be with when he got me so angry that I whipped an unopened can of soup at his head (missed him - dang!). A lot of people tell me how easy-going I am. I am NOT that type of person. For whatever reason, he just brought it out of me and I didn't like who I was being with him. Of course, he didn't help things at all. Especially when I was pregnant and asked him to go to the convenience store and grab me an Icee since I had a craving for one....and he took my car....and didn't come back home until 5 a.m. I was already packed by the time he got back!
I tell him that my behavior
I tell him that my behavior may be responsible for his feelings, but I am never responsible for HIS behavior.
Well said.
He then told me I cut him
He then told me I cut him down all the time and make him feel worthless and that is why he did it. I make him feel the size of a pea.
That is just an excuse and putting the blame on you, and it's a pathetic excuse, at that.
If he is that unhappy that he is looking outside of the marriage, then he should leave. If he is always going to throw that in your face and use it to excuse his behavior, even as you are trying to change, well, that is just asshole behavior.
Since you can't really figure out what he brings to your life besides stress, I don't think I'd wait around for him to have an actual physical affair.
You are torn between working through issues or leaving BUT he has to also be willing to work through the issues, and seeking out other women does not fall into that category.
I would MUCH rather live alone than deal with crap like this. If I had to wonder about my husband's commitment to me and our marriage? Nope, not interested in that life.
he's a philandering prick and
he's a philandering prick and he's trying to make you feel it's all your fault...do I have that right? Because that's what I'm getting from this,
Go see a divorce lawyer. Hell, consult with all the best attorneys in town. Get your ducks in a row and slap his ass with papers. Tell him he can have his freedom to go be a pervert who gets rejected by the young girls on FB.
Yes, I see what you're saying
Yes, I see what you're saying and I appreciate the insight.
It is like... my resentment over old issues causes serious word vomit. I basically am verbally abusive (and yes, he is to blame for some of the hurt, for sure). Then he retreats or walks away, seeks attention elsewhere... whatever. Then I feel increasingly insecure and ignored, and lash out more. and it is a cycle. A fucking tiring cycle. I live with him and I literally miss him because it just is not the same anymore.
My therapist once gave me
My therapist once gave me this same good advice. 2 things seem to somewhat help: I made a pinterest board with quotes on anger and resentment and I browse them when I get mad to try to remember to watch my tongue, that those who anger me defeat me... etc.
Another thing I just started doing is gauging my anger on a scale from 1-10. If I am past a 6 I need to leave immediately. That is tough for me because I am a chaser.
That "last word" comment is
That "last word" comment is like my ex who said I always had to be right.
Wow, Genius, do you think that if I am willing to argue with you about something that I think I am WRONG? I'm not stupid so generally, if I think I'm right, I am...lol.
But seriously, I agree, if they haven't acknowledged an understanding of why you are feeling the way you are, you will want to keep reiterating your point. Maybe you will try to say it in a different way that gets your point across.