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I hate letting my SO down

AJanie's picture

My SO had this random idea he was all excited to share... to go (the 3 of us) to an indoor water park this weekend.  Of course, I declined immediately.

He loves for me to be included and I totally appreciate that, I appreciate it so damn much, but screaming children, trapped indoors, in a urine-chlorine filled water park ... no.  Just no.  I would rather stand in line at the DMV.  I would rather go to the gynocologist. I would rather do 8 hours of data entry at work...

You get the point.

I can tell sometimes that how blunt I am hurts him. He is a big kid at heart, he literally thought it sounded fun and I kind of rained on that parade. But I admittedly sometimes get mildly insulted he would even think I would want to do that kind of thing. Like, have you met me?! I have 2 days off per week, WHY would I want to do THAT? Can he think from my perspective for once? Things are always so child-centric. I don't know. Nothing new, its the way it is for all of us sometimes.

The 2 of them will still go, but I cannot help but feel a little guilty that I just cannot bring myself to suck it up and go.

I spent years sucking it up.  I just don't want to anymore.



futurobrillante99's picture

There is nothing in it for you. You'd even have to share a bedroom with his kid.

These guys cannot understand that they had a chance at an intact "happy family" but that didn't work out. Now, he has a chance at something different, and it's someone to love and love him. He is the kid's happy family - not you.

Cover1W's picture

My DH is this way too.  There's an event going on in our area Saturday, but the time frame is a bit short.  We have a dinner party to go to at 5 pm that night and I am making dessert for 6 people.  I need to go shopping Saturday morning for everything then cook it - I work away from the home 5 days a week too and have two days to catch up.  I told him he could take SD12 absolutely, but wasn't sure if I would make it.  Total disappointment on his face.

However, this time, I juggled things so we can go, early, to the event.  It must be early or I cannot go.  It's life.  Spend some fun time with SD12 in any case - she'll have fun there.  Have her take a friend along!

I have said no and stuck with it many times though - or agreed if small changes were made.  I wouldn't go to a totally kid-centric thing unles it was a birthday or other event.  Family things need total buy in from both adults.


AJanie's picture

Well it makes me feel better that others say no and stick to it as well. I am learning to be less self sacrificing this time around. He knows I want a child of my own someday, if I can have one. At that stage maybe I will be more interested spending a Saturday in a dome filled with screaming children. Ya know.

Aniki's picture

AJ, I think your SO hopes that you will eventually change your mind. That's why he keeps asking and why he is disappointed.

futurobrillante99's picture

Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Aniki? That his reaction is kinda manipulative? That he is subtly pushing a "happy family" agenda?


Aniki's picture

Hmmmm.... I don't know that it's intentionally manipulative, FB. Maybe it's his true desire so he subconsciously pushes it.

AJanie's picture

Yes, I think he desires it and does it subconsciously.  He isn't a manipulative guy. 

hereiam's picture

Don't feel guilty.

When my SD was young, there were a lot of times I didn't do things with her and my DH. She was his daughter, it was supposed to be their time together, and quite frankly, I don't enjoy doing kid stuff (there's a reason I never had kids). I loved my me time when they went and did stuff.

Shoot, even when my own niece was young, I would sometimes stay home while DH took her to the park or whatever.

Feeling guilty about it or doing it when you don't feel it, is a sure road to resentment.

AJanie's picture

Yes! I was drowning in resentment with my ex. always. I would like to avoid that this time around. I try to be upfront with SO but my delivery can be "bitchy."

futurobrillante99's picture

Next time, move in close - real close, and tell him there is nothing you'd like better than to be alone with him in a waterpark, naked. Then grab his butt. Tell him to have fun with the kid, but to be thinking about you all weekend as you'll look forward to him joining you, in your shower, naked, after he drops his kiddo off at moms. Tell you him want to show him how much you appreciate him inviting you by inviting him to YOUR indoor fun park.

lintini's picture

 I'm so glad you are standing up for yourself and having healthy boundaries. High five! I am so proud of you. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

There's nothing wrong with saying no! My DH wanted to go stay at a waterpark for 4 days... I 1) looked at the price and said no, and then 2) told him it just didn't appeal to me with how crowded it would be.

Instead I suggested to him we go down to a semi-secluded beach I know Smile Still has swimming, it's a mini-getaway, WAY cheaper, and it's not a stuffy indoor waterpark! 

Maybe try and suggest something to him that you'd love to do (with or without the skid, sometimes you two should just get time away too!!!)? Might help him decifer more of what you'd like to do!

queensway's picture

There is nothing wrong with saying no to something you don't want to do. In fact it is the most healthy thing you can do for yourself. If this is a new relationship you will just set yourself up for the same old problems if you say yes when you would rather say no. You are not hurting his feelings you are letting him know this would not work for you. Keep setting healthy boundaries with this man and soon he will realize he has nothing to be hurt over. You are not saying no because you want to hurt him. You are saying no because you want to live a happy life.

Gimlet's picture

I took my own kid once.  ONCE.

AJ, it's OK to let your SO spend time with his child without you being there.  He's excited to do things with his kid, he's excited to spend time with you and I am sure having that together would be great.  For him.

My DH knows how I feel about taking trips with his kids after last year's debacle.  He asked me last week if I would "consider" a weekend trip this summer.  I won't.  I've tried for years, and I am done now.  I have no desire to spend my time, money, or energy that way.  I encouraged him to do it on his own, and he will.  He is the parent and my presence should not matter.  I'll spend my time, money, and energy on trips with him or other people who don't act like we're killing them by taking them on vacation.

Anyway, there is no reason for you to feel guilty.  You were clear and direct and saying no is just fine.


AJanie's picture

Good for you, Gimlet. I agree when the kids do not appreciate it and don't enjoy it... why would you bother?!

Exjuliemccoy's picture

"in a urine-chlorine filled water park..."

I do not get the appeal of water parks? Unless they're open in winter, I suppose. All those people, all that urine...*shudders*

DH and I have a pool, and when we have guests, you can bet your a$$ that I have our pool guy shock it afterwards.