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SEEING RED - SD19 & Hedgehog are coming home this weekend and summer

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I just got home and DH said that SD19 called him crying that she misses SD13 and him. He said she was coming to see them this weekend. My reply was, "That's fine, but the hedgehog can't come into this house." DH says he'll make sure she cleans the cage etc., and I explained that THAT was not the problem right now.

He won't listen, he is being very gentle, but I have been shit on again.

Disneyfan's picture

Make sure you're home when they arrive and tell her the animal isn't allowed in the house. Stand your ground and do not allow her to bring it in.

This weekend is just a test to see what will happen this summer. If SD and husband can get away with having the rodent there this weekend, then theu know it won't be an issue this summer.

They are calling your bluff. They need to know that you mean what you say.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

DH walked in as I started my post, so I cut it short. Keep in mind that he just got home from being out of town last night and he'll be gone again tomorrow night. Being left with SD13 isn't usually too much of a problem, but those of you who know my story KNOW that SD19 is a royal ODD POS.

DH: My daughter needs to see me and I need to see her, so she's coming home this weekend.
ME: That's fine, but no hedgehog.
DH: I'll make sure she takes care of it.
ME: That's not the real problem here.
DH: SD19 called me crying, saying she wanted to come visit. I need to see my kid.
ME: I understand that, so go visit her somewhere and don't bring the hedgehog into this house.
(Eerie calmness from both of us......)
DH: Look, you can blame me. I told her no, then yes, then no with the hedgehog.
ME: And she should have consequences for the choice she made. She won't clean the cage, it'll be 90 degrees upstairs because she'll leave her blinds up.....Nevermind. WHAT example do you think you're setting for her?
DH: Well, she's getting older......
ME: She hasn't changed. She always wants what she wants and she will cry or throw a tantrum until she gets it. She needs to get an apartment near campus this summer and stay there with the hedgehog.
DH: You just don't want her here.
ME: Every time she's here, she disrespects the entire household and sits around here like its a free ride, because it IS. She's in between being a kid and being ready to launch, so now's the time.
DH: I'm not having my kid stay away all summer.
ME: I've looked at apartments, so maybe I need to go. I always have to bend for everyone around here. I have never given you any shit before this. You and the kids always get what you want.

Pizza was delivered. DH called up to me. I didn't answer. He came upstairs and I was crying. I told him I couldn't live like this.

FML

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I am waiting for myself to SNAP. It will happen this evening. I told him we weren't done with talking. Oh hell NO.

But now I have made myself sick. Why even bother with this shit?

furkidsforme's picture

He doesn't think you mean it, and SHE KNOWS he doesn't mean it. Stand firm. This is not an unreasonable request. You are NOT being a bitch. She CAN find alternate arrangements for a Hedgehog IF SHE TRIED.

Merry's picture

What IS it with all the posts lately about skids and their animals? I love my animals too, but I don't presume that other people want them around. Dad can pay to board the thing for a weekend instead of all this drama. The summer is a bigger issue but you've got time to work that out.

Suggest you think about what it is that you DO need to be happy. The more specific, the better. Beyond the hedgehog craziness, do you expect him to treat you like a partner? What IS that to you? Joint decisions? Household responsibilities? Things like that.

Of course he wants to see his kid. NOTHING you have done or said suggests that you are trying to stop that. Just the damn hedgehog, and it sounds like this is not your first round with it either. Your DH had a typical knee-jerk reaction--you hate my kid, you don't want her here, blah blah blah that we've all heard a million times. Such a stupid, defensive reaction.

notarelative's picture

My line would be---H you have a choice. That hedgehog comes into this house and you will have made your choice. Plan on sleeping on the floor in the room with the hedgehog because you are not sleeping in mine.

If SD can do whatever she wants in this house and I have no voice than our marriage is as good as over. If you choose a hedgehog over me you have made a choice about our marriage.

simifan's picture

Go stay somewhere else this weekend. He does not take you seriously. He is expecting to just run over your objections. If he feels it's his fault - he can take it to the animal rescue instead of SD.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I called him back upstairs because we need to work something out. It went well for about 20 minutes, then he got pissed like he always does, started saying rude things.

Before that, I told him I feared that SD19 would never change and continue to have angry outbursts in our home. I told him I had been tolerant for so long and had done so much for these Skids, but I just couldn't take it anymore. He finally stormed out and as he did he said, " You can handle hedgey being here this weekend until we figure out something else for the summer!"

So I think he sees I'm standing my ground. A spa for the weekend DOES sound nice though ...

Oh and get THIS! I said,"So SD19 is back from being out of town now? You know the dorms are closed for spring break, so where is she staying?"

DH doesn't even know. I guess SD19 is ok out there, except even with a sorority sister tagging along with her, she still calls home to DH crying about how loooonnnne-ly she is!

Grow up already. Both SD19 and DH!

-Moon

Rags's picture

You have not been shit on until the hedgehog arrives. I would inform DH that if the hedgehog shows up at your house that you will rekey the locks and he and his eldest and her prickly pet will not be allowed in the home until she returns to college with the hog.

No negotiation. DH knows the history and your requirements and he should be forced to live in compliance with your requirements on this or he can find a cheap hotel for he, his daughter, and her pet to occupy.

A person can only be shit upon if they allow themselves to be shit upon. So... don't allow it.

Shaman29's picture

This isn't about your SD19. It's about your H backing you up and telling her, love to have you come over but your pet is not welcome. Please have a friend take care of it while you're here."

This is all about your H treating you with the respect you deserve. Yes, your SD19 is a PITA. Yes, she's disrespectful.

However she is never going to change the way she behaves, until your H changes the way he behaves towards you and your relationship.

He is not attending to the needs of his wife. He is failing as a husband. The needs of your relationship must be his first priority.

You can compromise on her being there this summer if he lays down ground rules, including no pets, getting a job and paying rent.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Oh believe me, I have said all of these things. He just doesn't think he needs to parent. The SDs are screwed up because their BM died and he won't take them back to therapy.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

We own this house together and we each are renting out the houses we lived in previously. If anything, "I" have the cop mentality. DH just won't listen. One thing is for sure, SD19 will not part with her hedgehog, so she needs to live elsewhere. Earlier when we had our first calm talk, I told DH that she needs boundaries and consequences, she needs to do chores and not sit on her ass for days on end when she is not at work, she needs to fucking CLEAN up after herself in the kitchen, that includes not taking or breaking kitchen items all of the time. DH was nodding in agreement and kept saying Yes, he would lay down some ground rules and keep her in line.

Then we ordered pizza and I went upstairs and started this blog. I realized that SD19 would never change because what she always does ALWAYS works for her. I also realized that DH wouldn't parent her, as usual. That's when I called DH in to talk more and he got pissy. He kept whining that he didn't get any sleep on the road last night, drove a long way back home and has to have a long commute tomorrow.

Waaaaah, I say.

DH is not due back until Friday afternoon. At this point, I don't even want to SEE SD19. I know she is getting an earful from DH through all of this. I may pack a bag Thursday night and not come home Friday. Stay at a nice place for the weekend and commute to work from there Monday. I will accomplish quite a few things: 1) I will scare the living shit out of DH. 2) I won't have to deal with SD19. 3) I will get some down time away from all of this drama.

I just got a big bonus at work so screw it, I might do it. I don't think I could stand to see that stupid C U Next Tuesday in my home anyway. I spoke to DH at length about how disrespectful she is, and how easily she gets angry. He agreed, so he knows that now I REALLY don't want to deal with her shit.

Might be a nice weekend and my pups will be fine for a few days with Curly, Mo and Larry.

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

The last words I heard from him tonight were, "I think you handle the hedgehog being here for one weekend until we figure out what to do for the summer."

Either way, it needs to cost him. Someone needs a separate household. He can help pay the mortgage while I stay here with the dogs and he goes back to his TH with the Steps, including SDog. Or, he can set SD19 up in an apartment near campus a "few months early" before fall semester. As in JUNE. He can GO visit her. She has a job here that pays $7.75 an hour. She can find work elsewhere, like on campus.

This is going to be a bitch. It might be the end. I don't know yet.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I was widowed in 1996 at age 26 and met DH in 2007. Damn straight I would enjoy a home to myself with my dogs. I don't deal well with irresponsible, lazy people. At All. So I have been more than agreeable for 7 years with the skids, and ESPECIALLY agreeable for the past TWO YEARS since BM died. They moved in FT, and thank goodness SD19 goes away to school. It's only 45 minutes away, though.

She wanted "someone to be nice to her" over winter break? My ASS. Shouldn't have started throwing shit at your door in protest, because now with hedgy, SM is REALLY F-ING MAD.

POS Skid.

~ Moon

Rags's picture

This hedghog thing is much like drinking too much beer then breaking the seal by taking a pee. Once you give in and pee you will be peeing all night.

Once you let this hog in for just the weekend you will be dealing with this issue forever.

Don't .... break ..... the ..... seal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JustAgirl42's picture

I am soooo angry for you!!

What a selfish, entitled bitch for getting a rodent and bringing it to your house when she was told not to!

You shouldn't have to leave your own house, but it might actually be a good idea to get away for a bit to relax and make some decisions.

I probably would've told DH it was me or the hedgehog. If he chose the later, then I would certainly be re-evaluating our relationship. (Actually, I kind of already did this. SD7 at the time, wanted a dog, and I told FDH that I couldn't live with a dog. So if we were going to live together he had to keep that in mind. We live together now so he obviously chose me over getting SD a dog...not really a huge feat since she has one at her mom's.)

So frustrated for you - grrrrr!

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

This would be my hill to die on too.

Back in 2012 when DH bailed MSD out of jail and brought her to our house for the night, the next day she had her BF bring her cat and a carload of crap, by the next week she was moving her stuff out of her rental house she had lost due to non payment of rent, and she settled her lazy ass into my house in the guest area and garage with her cat. We have officially a one bedroom house with a garage underneath our bedroom and a guest nook with full bath under the other end. At the time we had two cats (declawed) also and an older dog. MSD expected to let her clawed cat run loose. She proceeded to set up a mini terrorist camp in my garage and let the cat run all in my stuff.
Anyway. All along I said no to the cat coming to our house. I said no to it being loose in the house. I gave up our cat condo area for it to be secure but she let it out all the time. She ended up staying for 5 hellish weeks till We moved her into an apartment that we paid the first two months rent on. And even then she was not going to show up for signing the lease and moving in. It was horrible. My marriage will never recover from the damage that was done.

If I were you I would take my dogs to a lovely place this weekend. Leave Thursday and don't go back till Monday after work. Board your dogs at doggy day care during the work days if you have to, or treat them to a day at the groomers to get all pretty for your weekend away. If they do not travel well, ask a friend or relative to watch them or a reliable kennel.
Your DH is not listening to you. So just go. Say nothing else. Turn off the phone and leave him to deal with his spawn and the dog on his own. Do not take the sdog on the weekend retreat.
Let him feel the full brunt of your absence with absolute silence. Better yet...leave your phone off completely.

I wish I had taken the MSD cat to the shelter....as the MSD with it.
Your SD sounds like a total piece of crap.

When you do return to find out what a mess the hog created in your house, hire a cleaning crew on DH's dime. And tell him to talk to you only in counseling or your attorney's office. Don't leave your dogs behind. Find a place to live, or kick the tenants out of your old place.

Where there is a will there is a way.
Good luck Moon!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

That might work, because then SD19 would have a thermo nuclear meltdown and so would DH. I could call the ambulance to transport them both to the crazy house/psych ward.

But you know SMs always get the short end of the stick. The police believe a rotten SD over the SM any day.

Rags's picture

I agree that this is definately a hill to die on. If this is a fatal flaw to your marriage your perspective will likely be that DH failed to recognize you as an equity life partner and his will be "she divorced me over a hedgehog."

Those who know you and him will find him pathetic.

Defend that hill!!!!!

Rags's picture

When SD-19 called crying about missing DH and SD-13 his response should have immediately been "We miss you too. Dump the hog and come visit this weekend. Buh-bye." Click!!!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Oh SD19 misses DH. She will be on his leg like cling wrap all weekend. She is a true mini-wife/infant and DH has been a friend and not a father. Damn straight it's because he doesn't want to hear her bitch. Ironic, because for ONCE, for the FIRST time this entire school year YSD13 who identifies as a boy, has been invited to a sleep over. DH and I were going to have the house to ourselves Saturday night, to reconnect. I even spoke with him about that yesterday and he gave me the "Yeah, right" speech. I asked him why he was surprised that I was tired and run down all of the time?

Because he's never home and doesn't parent his DDs.

I'm really thinking of turning off my Google+ so I can't be tracked this weekend, and staying away until Monday, like I had mentioned earlier. I DO NOT want to see SD19 in my home at this point. Let her get in and get out, and after my weekend of "reflection" I will tell DH he needs to move back to his TH. He's picking a hedgy over his wife. Fuck. Me.

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

SD13's girl scout troop leader invited her to her daughter's birthday party. So it's all girls. They've know each other since diapers. SD13 should still wear one when she goes over, compared to the maturity of her fellow 8th grader friends.

hereiam's picture

I would not leave for the weekend. She will bring the hedgehog and it will be a victory for her and your DH. That hedgehog would not spend one minute in my home, whether I'm there or not.

The original deal was NO hedgehog in your home, not that a hedgehog was okay as long as you were not there.

legmel's picture

Moon – you were very clear on this issue when it was raised with you initially. DH asked about SD19y getting a rodent you said ABSOLUTELY not. The fact that he could not follow through on a decision agreed upon mutually by the two of you is essentially his problem NOT yours to sort out. So your response to him should be “surely you and your daughter can sort out the rodent for the weekend till the two of you figure out what to do for the summer”. I agree with Sally do not leave your home, be there when she arrives – be firm about the hedgehog and if it means DH also regresses into a childish tantrum about this then they can both leave. I have also had the “oh daddy I miss you” BS – I see right through it. If you miss him then why not call/text/email all the time? I hate how these SD’s make us question our own space? Its your home as well – you have every right to set down house rules.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Moon...I'm over here mad for you right now! OMFG! I'm sitting here reading everything you typed, and I'm thinking to myself, "I could so find myself in a similar position!! Yeah, DH agrees with me now that HHB cannot move back into this house, but what happens when she totally gets herself in a bind again? 'She needs to follow rules, etc.!'...'Well, for right now she just needs to be loved on. She is going through a tough time. We will talk about rules later.' The talk will NEVER happen!"

I seriously want to kick your DH in the teeth right now! Yeah, I know that sounds violent and all, but I'm that mad for you! I know the feeling of being walked over in your own home well enough to know what you are feeling right now! And I totally get you about the animals, too! I know if I found myself in a similar situation with DH, I would have that same problem! I have my pets that I wouldn't want to leave.

UGH...your DH sounds so much like mine when it comes to their precious princesses! You told DH BEFORE the girl even bought the hedgehog that you did not what that thing in your house, and he better tell her not to get it because she would not be able to bring it with her. He obviously didn't tell her, or he "suggested" to her that she not go through with the purchase and she did it anyway knowing she could manipulate dad to let her bring it to the house anyway! I mean, it is not like this is news to anyone now that you don't want this animal in your house!!! Seriously, the girl needs to find a friend to take care of it if she wants to come to your house to "visit her dad and sister"! If she can't find a friend, then dear daddy needs to pay to have it boarded! END OF DISCUSSION! Why does the solution need to be that "you just need to deal with the hedgehog this weekend, and we will figure out summer"? OH HELL NO!!

As much as a weekend away may sound awesome, I kinda have to agree with Sally...I wouldn't leave. That would send the wrong message. They would just think that if they want to do things their way, they can bully you out of the house in order to do so. That is YOUR home, too!!! You have every right to set rules! Your DH may think you are being irrational...that is this ONLY a hedgehog for ONLY a few days. You are NOT being irrational!! This is not about the hedgehog at all! This is about the fact that you set rules and expectations for your home...as you have right to...and DH is constantly undermining you to simply to keep the princesses happy! That is totally unacceptable! Of course, HE is seeing the issue as simply being about a hedgehog, because he doesn't want to address the real problem!

{{{HUGS}}} I know how you feel right now! UGH...I just want to smack him!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0x-fkSYDtUY

moeilijk's picture

Ok, so DH is not the kind of person who is trustworthy. He says whatever is easiest, whatever will manipulate the other person into giving in, he is unreliable and no one expects him to stand by his word.

Except you. It must be very confusing to you to have conversations that seem to go one way, but then later denied, or gone back on, or forgotten, or just dismissed.

You would love to help the skids, to help DH, but you direct your attention to DH. Who listens, but assumes you are just talking - like what he does.

And you are struggling to be trustworthy yourself. How can you show integrity in this situation? In a normal situation, no one moves out or threatens a relationship because a hedgehog comes to visit. But in a normal situation, unkind, rude, difficult houseguests don't bring an unwanted pet. And in a normal situation, if a rude guest wanted to bring an unwanted pet for the hostess to clean up after, the guest room would not be available.

But instead you have DH making problems for you. Because he doesn't understand where your boundary lies. So show him. No more talking, he doesn't understand talking - he talks and talks and talks and doesn't mean a word of it. Show him that when you talk, you mean it.

AllySkoo's picture

I'm not entirely sure where your head is at, so what you do depends entirely on what you want. If you really think it's over, if you and DH need to live separately, then yeah, go stay at a hotel this weekend. No point in getting yourself upset or in dealing with Hedgehog Drama.

On the other hand, if you have no intention of leaving and you want to fight for your marriage, then I think you need to stay and duke it out over the hedgehog. Stand at the door and not let SD in if she's got it, re-key the locks, steal the damn thing and set it free in the neighbor's yard, take them all out to dinner miles from home and then just take the car and leave them there, ANYTHING. DO ANYTHING. Stand out in the street and throw an EPIC tantrum while taking a golf club to DH's car, I don't care, but SOMETHING.

The only thing you absolutely cannot and should not do is stay in the house and do nothing when SD shows up with the hedgehog. Nothing good will come of that. It seems like the "easy" way, like the "grown up" thing to do, but it absolutely is NOT. Doing nothing will kill your marriage AND your self-esteem, and if you marriage is dead anyway then better to leave on your OWN terms and with your dignity intact. Don't let them do that to you, Moon!

Rags's picture

Every problem we have ever had with SS or the sperm clan I have been a full practitioner of the confront and destroy philosophy.

It has worked great.

This is exactly the right advice IMHO.

Zero tolerance, confront, destroy, when it comes to unacceptable behavior from anyone in the blended family equation. Lather, rinse, repeat.

My4kidsmom's picture

I've been following this story and I just have to say, if you allow her to bring that hedgehog into your home, you have lost and lost BIG! You have lost your self-respect, control of your home, and the battle for your marriage. She has drawn the battle lines and if you don't come out with all guns blazing you might as well call a divorce attorney now because it's just a matter of time.
I sincerely hope you stick to your boundary and take a stand for yourself. I can't tell you how many SM's on here are holding their breath hoping you strike the fatal blow to your mini-wife SD and mini-wives everywhere!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

So much great advice from all of you. Thanks so much, because this has been a nightmare. And its over a frikkin hedgehog. DH originally told SD19 NO at Thanksgiving. I was there and I heard it. Case settled. Then SD19 goes to an NFL game with DH in January over winter break and bats her eyelashes at him, asking to get a hedgehog. DH caves in and says YES and then I find out. I asked him what happened to the NO from Thanksgiving?!? He admitted that he gave in, and I argued that NOW he has to tell her he made a mistake and its NO dice on the hedgehog.

Princess Bitch went and got it anyway. Blows my mind. A lot of you have put it in a very good perspective. THEY created the problem, THEY need to solve it, and not at MY expense in MY home. Sally, I have given the cold evil stare. I need to just keep it simple now, like you suggested. You have the hedgehog in this home OR you have me in this home. Take your pick, but not both. SD19's track record with taking care of things and cleaning after herself is a joke. It doesn't happen.

Damn he is such an enabler.

I am actually fearing trying to bar the door when SD19 arrives with the hedgehog. I suppose it's the fact that she is so defiant. I think she would either spit on me and that would set ME off to no end (she did this to her dying BM, a month before she passed). I fear that she may get physical and then I would SNAP and knock the living shit out of her, yelling on the front porch, loud enough for the neighbors to think the Apocolypse was coming! I have a lot of trouble tolerating stupid behaviors esp disrespectful ones. People have cut me off in traffic before and I have followed them around town just to fuck with them. I get my point across as I block in their vehicle with mine and I see they are calling 911. Go ahead, tell them it's a crazy woman. The whole time I'm yelling out the window, "Can we talk? We need to talk about what you just did to me back there!" Yeah, full on sarcasm. I have been a piece of work on few dozen very rare occasions for stupid saps in this world.

Who said it another post with narcissists? "Observe, don't absorb." Just watch the pathetic NPD BPD act like a total whack job and don't absorb. I could probably laugh at this point. I just can't see me calling the police for this lmao, "Hi, my defiant SD19 is attempting to enter my home against my will. She has a hedgehog." }:) Bwahahahah!

I needed that moment for a good laugh! We are SO NOT this kind of family! Where did this come from? SD19 is craycray. She needs to be in a diaper just like SDog. Maybe Hedgy can get a diaper too, and they can travel, doing shows together. This is just so surreal.

I have never walked out on DH. Never. I freaked out yesterday because I thought I heard SD19 in the house, thought she came by early! It was the strangest thing! And what does DH expect? For me to be nice while she's here? He said he would take her to the movies or something. BS. He's going to be sleeping when he gets back from business travel tomorrow.

I don't want to be NEAR SD19. I will have a heart attack. I didn't even eat last night. That is NOT me because I am a comfort eater. I think I would rather be in a hotel somewhere, relaxing with room service and quiet, with an evil smirk on my face. DH will be worried crazy about me and it certainly serves him right. My action of not being home will speak louder than anything. I need my rest, too.

I am doing laundry early tonight with a small knot in my stomach, but I guess you could say I am taking the first small steps to execute my plan. I won't come home after work tomorrow and I will fall off of the map. I will tell DH he chose a vermin over his marriage when he texts me. If I chose to reply. He needs to see how utterly ridiculous this is!

~ Moon

robin333's picture

So- disgusted for you. I would not leave my home. Hell no, your psycho SD was told no. End of story. DH doesn't have solo right to change mind about household rule. No, No- obviously your DH needs you to explain the meaning to him. I would tell him absolutely not happening. If you think otherwise, you can take your POS DD and get a hotel room and expect the locks to be changed. He is trying to change the rules and understanding you had, HE leaves not you. Do not allow him to disrespect you.

I am very sorry you are in this crazy situation.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Love this, but I'm not touching the thing! I would have my male Border Collie snatch it, and even that would be too traumatic for me! LOL

AllySkoo's picture

"Why is everyone forgetting this is dh's house too? If he wants to let it in than he has every right too as he pays half the loan. "

Not forgetting - just totally and utterly disagree with this. Things that are owned TOGETHER - the home, the marriage, the family, etc - must have AGREEMENT. He wants a baby to add to the family and she doesn't? The "no" wins. She wants to hang pictures of her ex husband all over the house and he objects? The "no" wins. He wants his 10 year old daughter allowed to sleep in their bed? FUCK. NO. It does not turn into a "yes" just because he paid for half the bed - that doesn't give him the "right" to overrule my "no". If we BOTH own something, then we BOTH must agree on what happens, and if either party says "I don't want that" then it doesn't happen.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I just shared a can of Pringles with my dogs, so I'm feeling a little better. LOL Time to pack my suitcase. }:)

I hope I have the nerve to go through with this.

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

The only reason I'm not gone yet is because of my beautiful dogs. I have been looking at the best hotel deals all night. My suitcase is packed. I am going to do my own thing this weekend! Maybe I'll visit my parents, haven't seen them in forever!

~ Moon

legmel's picture

No Moon do NOT leave your home - yes YOUR home? Why should you be displaced? I can imagine how you feel about just looking at SD19 - I feel the same about my SD22 - just the sight of her makes my stomach churn. But you should be at your house when she arrives. She and her dad need to be told in the presence of each other in no uncertain terms that her rodent is NOT welcome in your home. They can then scramble to find a vet/home to take her rodent in for the weekend. I would monitor how much time she actually spends with her sister and father - this is after all the reason why she is home for the weekend? Good luck - be strong!

dood's picture

I've read through this thread, and all I can say is Wow.

First of all, I'm freaked out that this kid is 19 and you're STILL having to deal with her... a 19 year old. That's just wrong. Frankly, all things considered, I'd rather have the hedgehog than the kid, but that's another matter. I feel for you Moon - I'm not really sure what I would do if my SO just Totally Dissed me in this way. It's inexcusable. I understand that you don't want to be there - to see her, hear her - blech... I get that. But I'm worried for you if you leave for the weekend - I worry you'll just be miserable, your thoughts racing - I've experienced that when disengaging. You'll have the adrenaline rush when you're leaving, but once you settle in where ever you go, I'm worried that you'll obsess, and begin to back track - accepting texts, answering them - then you may have the worse of both worlds. If you do go, please don't dabble over that line. If you are going to completely disappear, then do it and don't look back till Monday when you go back home. Your DH sounds passive aggressive so don't be surprised if you don't get the reaction you'd expect when you make your grand entrance back home.

Everyone knows that a person can't win with something like 'It's me or your kid" - and so he knows that he doesn't really have to change his behavior, and from what I've read, it seems clear that he never will.

The point isn't a rodent, the point is there is a total lack of respect for you or your relationship. For me, personally, a deal breaker.

I wish you well - good luck this weekend.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

I kinda agree with all this. When HHB was living with us, I HATED having to leave...as much as I loved the idea of not having to deal with the BS of HHB and DH together! I would find myself thinking about the mess that was going to be left for me to clean up (yes, me, because I wouldn't even be able to use my kitchen until I did, as I work from home and need the kitchen to fix myself breakfast and lunch), the carpet stains because the dogs were whining at the door to go out and were ignored, etc. I had the other issue that I'm guessing Moon doesn't have to worry about as much, and that was not being around to give DH the evil eye and tell him "no" whenever HHB asked for something...I would have to check the bank account every stop for gas or whatever to make sure HHB hadn't talked DH into going on a spending spree with my money in our joint account! We make these rules because we do care about our home, and leaving our home in the hands of people we know would not respect it can be just as nerve-wracking as having to deal with the people themselves!

I know whenever I left HHB behind at home with DH, it was like 'ding dong...the witch is gone'! She would make sure to manipulate DH's time and be super sweet to him so he wouldn't even notice that I wasn't there! It was the perfect thing for her...she finally got rid of me for the day! I would get home...I wasn't missed! They would be sitting there in the TV room giggling over a movie and ice cream, while HHB was not supposed to be having ANY FOOD in there because she never picked up her messes, and would leave crumbs and stains all over the couch! Yeah...that is what I really wanted to come home to...my rules being broken!

ChiefGrownup's picture

I totally hate for you to be separated from your pets that you provide for responsibly so SD can be with hers, acquired irresponsibly and housed irresponsibly! The poor thing will probably be terrified with 5 dogs in the house.

I understand you're not wanting to get in a fistfight at your front door. But I really, really hate for you to leave. I would take DH's credit card and book him and the sds a suite at a pet friendly hotel, preferably in College Town, not your town. Have the hotel run the bill through now, not at the end of the weekend. Tell him he can accomplish all his goals of getting the girls together and him seeing the college kid and the hedgy staying with him. And sdog goes with him, too. You get the house to yourself all weekend with your own pets.

Tell him the money is gone whether he uses the suite or not. You can always spend more getting deadbolts installed or changing the locks if he refuses to use the suite.

Moon, you are paying way too much for the privilege of having your real estate overrun by rodents and your loving partner treating you like a lower caste.

And what's with "I need to see my daughter!!!!" I went to school hundreds of miles away from home. There was no running back for every little holiday or college break. She's a big girl now, dad! She's supposed to be gaining independence, not sobbing like a kindergartner first day of school. Stock the kitchen with Graham crackers and little cartons of milk, if she "has" to come home like this.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Yup...I totally like that idea! Put them up in the Motel 6 for the weekend, and enjoy the quiet of the house. I, too, hate that you have to leave your home, Moon. Yes, it is a weekend away from it all, but they are going to see it as a win for them...not as a win for you. SD19 will probably feel pride that she got dear daddy to bully you out of your own home, and she gets to do what she wants. THAT pisses me off to high heaven! There will be now stopping the girl with her antics, now!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

The actual dread of hearing and seeing SD19 is not something I want to deal with this weekend. I am at a hotel close to work. DH called last night and today, like everything was hunky dory. Right about now he is getting home and I am not there. He will be calling or texting soon. I will tell him I need a clean space, a bed to myself with no snoring and some time to unwind.

Hey if SD19 can go buy a hedgehog after we said NO, surely a grown woman who needs a break can take a few days off from StepLife, right? I am loving the quiet and the bliss already........Deep breath.......and.......release..........ahhhhhhhh Smile

~ Moon

My4kidsmom's picture

Good for you Moon! But when he asks be VERY CLEAR about why you are not home. Don't bring up snoring etc. Tell him you will not be home until your wishes start being respected and that hedgehog is OUT of your house. Don't muddy the waters with things that are NOT the issue.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Exactly, STers! I will tell him I am feeling disrespected that he chose a hedgehog over me, and I feel I have been put on the back burner. I will tell him I need time to think.

Hopefully he'll wise up and tell me NO hedgehog this summer first. Because THAT is what I am going to tell HIM.

It's ME or the hedgehog. The marriage needs to come first!

~ SuperMoon

dood's picture

Good for you! Room service... Wine and a nice hot bath...

My4kidsmom's picture

I know some may not think semantics matter here but I wouldn't say that "I feel disrespected" I would say "you have disrespected me"
He can more easily discount your feelings than he can his own behavior. Just my opinion.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Thanks everyone, so much! Yes, My4, I agree with the semantics, "You have disrespected ME." I will certainly say it that way. Makes perfect sense, so TY. DH finally texted.

DH: Are you almost home?
Moon: No, I won't be home tonight.
DH: Whut?
Moon: I'm taking a breather to clear my head. I think we could use it. Just please feed the pups.
DH: Well where are you?
Moon: At a hotel.

Then this.........!?

DH: Ok baby. Recharge. Get a good nights sleep. I love you! MUAH!
Then he sent me a picture of one of the dogs, laying on my side of the bed, saying "Someone misses you." Then he told me he went to Walmart and made chicken for dinner.

?!?!?!!?!?!??!##$##%#^#$@$# :? :? :? :? :?

I just replied, "OK."

I think when he comes to understand that I will not be home until after work on Monday (i.e. when SD19 POS is back at school), it will hit him. Right now he is just happy to have his DDs around, pups, NCAA games to watch and he is chillin'. But it will hit him. I'm sure he thinks I will be away just for tonight. I have some good lines from this post that I am going to use. I will tell him there is no more arguing. Hedgehog stays away.

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Thanks, kmetz! These SDs will never launch. SD19 will be in a padded room after she burns through all of her money. At least she'll be out of my home. SD13 thinks she will get into college by just "filling out an application," become an engineer, and no way does she have that willpower or the smarts to tackle that kind of career. One can dream, right?

~ Moon

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

LOL...HHB thinks her "dance skills" will get her in to college! She wants to study dance...of course! I'm no professional...not in the least! I don't call myself a dancer...just someone who enjoys hip-hop and street dance. I also want to try to get DH to take a salsa class with me so we can kick up our heels when we go on cruises like we like to do. I also dabble in contemporary when I'm alone and just want destress and just move. HHB ONLY does contemporary, which anyone who knows dance knows this style is trying to use body movements to tell the story. Some technical skill is a plus, but it is basically an "anything goes" kind of style...anyone cando their own flavor of contemporary. HHB has flexibilty (because when she isn't laying down on her bed, she is "working on her splits"), so she can pull off certain cool flexibility moves, but that is about it! She has tried to do some of my hip-hop/street dance stuff and failed miserably (can't do ANY isolation and feet are too slow)...and she argued that salsa was not a "ballroom style"! Unless you are a ballerina, you can't be a one-trick-pony and be a professional dancer! That is why winners of SYTYCD have to master multiple styles (which HHB want to try out for that show).

I keep joking to myself that she will be a professional dancer all right...it will involve the use of a pole!

Don't get me wrong...I'm all for young people having goals and dreams, but they have to understand that they have to put in the work! Your SD13 won't be an engineer without doing her school work, just like HHB will not be a professional dancer lying around in her bed and occassioally getting up to do some splits!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Hi Can't~ I should do some contemporary moves in this hotel room while no one is looking, huh? LOL SYTYCD? I hear "High Hopes" echoing in my head for HHB. SD13 is starting to slip in her math, science and Tech Ed classes, but "She's got hiiiiigh hopes! She's got hiiiigh hopes!" :sick: :sick: :sick:

~ Moon

My4kidsmom's picture

Even my DH, a recovering disney dad said "wow, he picked a hedgehog over his wife? What an idiot!"

My4kidsmom's picture

So how did your first night of solitude and relaxation go Moon?
Inquiring minds want the update!
Not sure why I'm so invested in you "winning" this battle except that I've seen the "skid smirk" so many times when SD managed to get DH to go against my wishes and give her her way and I'm desperately hoping that you wipe that smirk of her face and have a smirk of your own to generously share with her.
Stand strong!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

DH texted and asked if I was coming home today? I said I wasn't, that I needed time to clear my head. Then he called me and started small talk, being all nice to me. I finally said, "All things aside, DH, I am in a hotel this weekend because you chose a hedgehog over our marriage and I feel like dirt. I miss my own bed and my dogs (although I slept like a baby here Smile )." I asked him to please take the opportunity today to speak with SD19 about the situation. I said that he and SD19 created this problem and they would have to fix it, not me.

I said that I am stable with a home and a permanent FT job, where I have been for years. SD19 lives at school for most of the year, with us for about 4 months and she likes to travel around a lot and vacation. She seems to be more flexible. (In other words, she is not welcome in my home, but I didn't say that.) I said she has two PT jobs, and she can find others. She has a lot more opportunities than I do right now in life because of her flexibility. He got what I meant.

SD19 is just such a juvenile whuss that it's pathetic. She is as needy as the damn SDog. I only stated the above things to DH about SD19 being flexible because I KNOW she will not give up that hedgehog, so she needs to figure out how to stay with the animal and NOT be in my home at the same time. In my mind, she made the choice to buy the damn thing, and now it's time to pay the consequences. DH keeps trying to deflect the mistake onto himself, but NO. I am standing my ground! If the skid is already away at school for most of the year, she can launch. She can launch early! I didn't say that to DH, though. Go work at the beach for the summer like you wanted to after HS or something, just stay out of my home.

SD19 is not motivated because she thinks she can keep falling back on DH. She has the same job that she got her junior year in HS and makes minimum wage. She can take those "skills" anywhere and get anther PT job. Thing is, she's too lazy to put forth the effort to look. It's almost time for her to be gone permanently from my home. DH can go visit her at HER home, or meet her near school for dinner etc. It's on his way to work. That would make life so much easier and maybe we'd even get along seeing her at holidays and such. I still have dork SD13 to deal with, so SD19 needs to start spreading her wings so I can get SD13 Go for Launch, as well. LOL

OK, I'm going to go buy some gourmet cupcakes. LOL

~ Moon

ChiefGrownup's picture

"You put a hedgehog over our marriage and I feel like dirt." -- Perfect!!! That message is clear. Stay on it!

My4kidsmom's picture

I suggest a nice movie tonight, followed by some good cheesecake and wine.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I'm sure DH thinks that I will be home Sunday, for sure. I'm going to go see my mother tomorrow, something I haven't done in awhile. I have this room booked through Monday morning, and I will have a nice short commute to work. DH will have to do the Sunday laundry to get his work clothes ready for the week. I won't be around.

If what I have done by being away this weekend doesn't speak volumes enough, then I just don't know what I'll do. I'll have to scream NO at the top of my lungs at DH and SD19. I have been tolerant, I have compromised and I have been quiet, all the while biting my tongue except for on a few rare occasions.

Can't SD19 figure out the house is not her home? That she feels strangely because she is away at school most of the time? Also because when she is there she does ZERO to contribute? I am making it my mission to not see her again for a long while. Let her go mooch off of her friends or move to the beach when the semester is over. You have a trust fund that can be used for school, you skidiot (DH is an idiot, too), so RENT an apartment near school! Casually throw in a few more months at the beginning of the lease to start renting in June and get through the summer already! How moronic is SD19's and DH's way of thinking?

I have all but said to DH that I don't want to see his daughter. He knows she's a pain in the ass. A friend of mine said I should start being super sweet to DH and bring him around to favor me more. That way, when there is a dilemma, he's more likely to be in my corner, rather than SD19's. I don't know about that. I've been pretty nice for awhile......I think time is up.

Now I am debating whether or not to go to DH's sister's for Easter, like we always do. Campus is right near SIL's house, so we pick up SD19 and BoyF on the way. All they do is sit there and text the entire time. It makes my blood boil. I think I may stay home. I'll be due for another day off by then, right? It will be in my home next time! DH's family can wonder where I am........ }:)

~ Moon

My4kidsmom's picture

It literally took me moving 2 states away for 6 months for DH to realize that SD didn't give 2 craps about him of his happiness, only what she could get out of him. On her 18th birthday he packed up and moved back to our home state with me and he's been a different man since then. He knows who he wants by his side as he gets older. Someone who loves him for who he is, gives instead of constantly takes, and cares about his happiness and needs.
She couldn't handle being put in her place and has tried every trick in the book to reel him back in but he's not biting.
She's as bitter, angry, and manipulative as her mother and I'm sure she will continue her quest for revenge alongside of BM.
Not our problem anymore.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I have called it a rodent, but have been told by DH that it's a member of the shrew family. OMG

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Hi My4~ You wrote about what SD could get out of DH. Funny you say that. DH texted that SD19 broke her phone and next thing I know there is over $300 charged to Best Buy from our bank account!! Then I see an INCOMING transfer from what I think is SD's savings account. DH made her pay $300 for the phone upgrade. Earlier today when DH texted he was taking SD19 phone shopping, I wrote back "Of course" after he said she dropped her phone and cracked it. He didn't say anything about SD19 paying for the phone....Funny, now it looks like we've been reimbursed!

Also, DH texted earlier tonight, saying he was watching sports with the pups. Gee, where is poor little lonely SD19 who was crying the blues on the phone earlier this week? I have a feeling she had her crack parked on my couch and wasn't even hanging with DH. Sounds like he was up in the bedroom.

I'm so glad I wasn't home. SD13 forgot her epipen when she went to a birthday party and the mom had to drive her back bwahahahaha before they went to the movies. The mom also wanted the girls to bring a purse so they could carry in a drink to the movie theater. SD13 identifies as a boy, so I'm sure she didn't have a purse on her. She also didn't shower for 4 days, even with a day off school Friday and it was that time of the month.

So frikkin glad I wasn't home this weekend. Too much nastiness!

~ Moon

Maxwell09's picture

Maybe you should point out to your DH that if SD choses this unwelcomed hedgehog as a hill to die on then she must not want to see him that bad. And when he said that "you just don't want her here" (or whatever) you should have reminded him that SHE is welcomed to visit, but the RODENT is not. (unless I've missed your previous blogs and she isn't welcomed)

Stay strong, I think you almost had him at one point in that conversations; he's on the fence and trying to guilt trip you.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Well put, osjesus. I won't be seeing him untilMonday night at the earliest. I'm sure he'll text again today, asking when I'll be home tonight. I'll either say, "When the hedgehog is gone," or "Monday after work." The next time that SD19 wants/tries to bring the hedgehog home, guess who isn't leaving?

I took one for the team this weekend, so to speak, and it also helped me clear my head. SD19 and DH's problem, THEY need to fix it. I'm not leaving my home again! They can go get the hotel next time, like everyone suggested.

Spoke to my mother at length yesterday about all of the drama. She told me to let the hedgehog out of the cage and let the dogs have at it. LOL She also said to call the college campus and report her for having an animal in the dorm room! I still have that ammo, yes, I do. }:)

Allyskoo, said it well here earlier....In a marriage, if one person wants one thing and the other says "No," the "No," wins. I have to remember that one, too. Thanks, Allyskoo, it makes perfect sense. Why put the burden on your partner and make them uncomfortable in a marriage with something they don't like or want? I have done that lots of times with the finances. DH would want another laptop and I would tell him the first one isn't paid off yet, and what's wrong with the first one anyway? I would always make it work, though. He just got his third laptop in 12 months two weeks ago. I think I'll take that money out of savings to pay for it. The savings is there from me being frugal with the disbursements we received from the skids' trusts. I like to have it there as emergency money.

I guess DH needing that laptop so badly is an emergency.

~ Moon

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Yes, yes, yes...call the school and tip them off to her pet! Watch her call daddy whining that they are making her get rid of "her baby", and begging to allow SD13 to keep it for her! Oh hell no! Let her find a new home for it, or get an apartment! Then she won't need to come to your house for breaks, and DH can hang out with her at her place if she "needs" to see him so bad!

My4kidsmom's picture

Haha...I like your mother. She sounds like a lady who doesn't take crap off of anyone. Emulate her!
Any news today?

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I spent the afternoon with my mother today. Family drama regarding my Gma (mom's mother), because Gma's husband passed last weekend. Gma isn't taking it well, and who would? Gma's husband was an ass to her but still, she is overwhelmed and got herself to the hospital. I think she is having major panic attacks, so hopefully they can calm her down and give her some TLC.

DH texted me today at 3pm, asking when he would see me? I said Monday after work I would be home. He was all "Ok, baby! I love you!" Grrrrrr........not good. This stuff needs to sink in with him.

So, DH just called a little while ago, all nice and chipper. I was tired and didn't sound so great. The conversation turned to him having a talk with the SDs. I feel like they are all ganging up on me, SDs crying "Poor me, why don't I get my way? I shouldn't have consequences!" DH thinks that maybe SD19 is bipolar and needs therapy for help (DING FUCKING DING, DH)! SD19 is overwhelmed with school. I wanted to tell him "I told you so" but instead I agreed and said it can't do anything but help her, to get therapy or whatever it is that she needs. Fucking drama queen. But wait, there's more! }:)

DH hates that I stepped in before SD19 went back to school and put her in her place when she didn't clean her room. He says "I just added fuel to the fire." (BPD anyone?!?!?!) I told him that SD19 doesn't like to be asked to do anything, doesn't like being told No and has anger issues. I told him I know my delivery gets harsh, on the RARE occasions that I intervene, but it puts SD19 in her place. I told DH I refuse to be disrespected in my own home anymore! DH started getting defensive with me and putting me down, he was rude during the entire rest of our conversation, saying "You need work, Moon! Everything is fine as long as we all do it YOUR way."

I stood my ground and told him that I am sick and tired of SD13 "forgetting to take showers for 5 days when she's on her period, not doing homework and not being responsible." I also told him that "Yes, I go off the handle when SD19 back talks you because I want to stick up for you and NO ONE should ever talk to a parent like that!" DH proceeded to tell me he could take care of himself with his kids (FAIL DH). He then went so far as to sarcastically ask me to name 5 nice things abut SD19, which I did. Pathetic, I know, but he just wants to make me out as the root of everyone's problems! Nice to have SM the scapegoat around! :O

I told him that he would have to handle SD19 and step up more if he didn't want me stepping in. He actually wants me to leave the SDs alone and let him handle it totally on his own! Um, god luck with that one, DH! Biggrin I reminded him that he is constantly traveling and is never around. I also told him that I could put on my happy face and continue to be pleasant with the SDs. BUT!! I would NOT tolerate SD19 being moody, rude, full of attitude, disrespectful and defiant in our home! I told him we all walk on eggshells around her because she snaps at the drop of a hat. I told him only SHE can change herself and she is old enough to work on that. She is going out into the world soon and things aren't always going to go her way. (This skid is having SERIOUS growing pains! Waaaaahhh!!)

Then DH quietly said that SD19 was going to have to find a solution to the hedgehog situation. Yep, I still don't believe it. I told him she can get her own place then and do anything she wants! DH went off on me, saying SD19 can't afford to pay for an apartment and go to school full time. I told him she has a TRUST-FUCKING-FUND that she can use! DH yelled back that it's only for education! I explained again that rather than putting her in a shitty dorm each semester with trust fund money, that he can get an apartment near campus with trust fund money!!!

OMG when will it sink the fuck in?!?!?!?! :jawdrop:

I think he is freaking out because his big baby of an SD19 is whining and crying because she has to suffer consequences on something pretty major. DH can't save her on this one! DH even said he is thinking of getting therapy for himself and I said that's great, let me know if you need me to be there. He said he can't take this, being in the middle. Hey!!! It's called parenting, DH, for the first time you have to hold your balls and man up to your defiant, juvenile, WHINING skid! Then he goes on to say I'm picking on SD13 and not being sensitive to her wanting to be a boy. He went so far as to say I made fun of her "boy name." Oh hell no.

WE DON'T EVEN USE HER BOY NAME BECAUSE DH TOLD THE SCHOOL WE WOULD WAIT UNTIL THE FALL WHEN SHE STARTS HS, AND SHE CAN USE HER BOY NAME THEN!!!!! He even said he would still always call her by her girl name.

DH couldn't give me an example from SD13, about how I am picking on her. I think everyone is just backing me into a corner. I told DH that I get frustrated with SD13 when she doesn't shower for days on end when she's on her period, she doesn't brush her teeth and doesn't take her allergy pill. She also doesn't do her homework. I asked DH again for the umpteenth time since last fall to make that POS skid shower every other night. I told him he doesn't monitor her or ask her what's going on. That's on HIM as a parent to do. I told him if he could just PLEASE start with the showers, that would be great!

I told DH that SD19 needs to work heavily on improving her attitude and he asked why I couldn't extend an olive branch? **FOR WHAT, DH?** She needs to get those little voices out of her head and quit playing the poor me game! I told him she is pissed that BM is gone and that she, SD19 isn't in control. Her not being in control makes her anxious. I told DH that it isn't SD19's place to control DH and I in our home with her attitude and demands!! I'm supposed to extend an olive branch because her feelings are hurt and nobody pays attention to a 19yo baby POS entitled brat? (Well, I didn't say that.....) Instead I said that I could put on my happy face and be pleasant around the house, but SD19 needs to LOSE the attitude and disrespect in my home! I told him I have bitten my tongue plenty of times over the years, esp over the past two!!!! DH says to just let it slide, and it rolls off of him!!

THAT is precisely the problem, DH!! You don't teach your snot daughter any manners or respect! I don't want an attitude in my house from a 19yo who can't handle being told to take her trash downstairs! If she can't handle it then I'm going to go off because it's ASSININE!! Enough already with this POS enabled skid!!!

So, needless to say, DH is having a very difficult time learning to parent. Blum 3 He gave me all of the one-liners: "You've never had kids. You aren't patient enough...." Blah blah.

I told him SD19 acted like this when she was 14 and she hasn't changed one bit since. He actually had no response to that one. I told him that when the four of us are in that house together, HE and I are the adults, and the skids are the children. They need to respect everyone in the family and do as they are told. I told DH I am pretty tolerant with filth and a dirty home, but if we all can't at least respect each other and clean up after ourselves when we make a mess, then what is there?

Oh dear God, this is hysterical!!! WHEW! Thanks for the vent!!!

~ Moon

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Just....WOW!!!! This conversation sounds so similar to some I've had with DZh about HHB!! "You are too hard on her"..."Can't you just try to build a relationship with her"..."Oh, if it isn't YOUR way..." You are right...it is his place to parent...him letting things "roll off his back" is part of the problem...these girls need to follow rules and show you and DH respect! I can go on, but you basically said it all I your post, and I know I've said similar in posts about DH and HHB! What is wrong with these men! At least my DH has stopped trying to call HHB all the time. Whenever MIL brings her up, things DH says shows me he is still blind, and if the girl wanted to come back to this house tomorrow, DH would try to push it on my, and we would probably end up in a discussion/argument sounding much like yours above!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Cue the "It's A Small World" song, because it sounds like DISNEY DAD time!!

I LOVED my weekend btw, at the hotel. DH even said he missed the old Moon, the way I used to be.

I asked him if he knew where she went lol?

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

That may very well be true. At least he spoke with the SDs about their behavior, and he basically said that it's SD19's problem to figure out what to do with the hedgehog.

It's a start.

legmel's picture

Well done for getting through the weekend Moon - reading your last post re your conversation with your DH sounds like I was listening to my altercations with my husband. Seems like all these fathers are the same when it comes to their children. I get beaten with the same stick "you are too harsh" "try and build a relationship". Barf!

Rags's picture

Oh yes. Kids and dreams. Most parents tell their spawn that they can be whatever they want to be. The fact is that is bullshit. My parents gave my brothers and I that same message. The reality is that the overwhelming majority of people who follow their dreams never get anywhere.

Look at the masses of college educated young people populating the news who can't earn a decent enough living to pay off their school loans. I have read countless articles over the past few years about people with Master's degrees in Women's Studies venting about how educated they are and can't get a job that does not include tips or the phrase "Would you like McFries with that McShake?" Far to many people with fine arts degrees, political science degrees, psychology, sociology, anthropology, archaeology, etc... degrees do no due diligence to see if they can actually get a job with a Bachelor's degree then freak out when they realize the week before graduation that to do anything with their dream degree they need to go for a PhD.

I was one of them. I changed my major after nearly every semester when I had taken an elective that I enjoyed. I was on the 11yr undergrad plan. I started Honors Pre-Med, switched to Mathematics, then to Engineering, then to Sociology, then to Forestry, then to Finance, then to Economics. I was about 20 hours from my BA Econ degree when I realized that I could not support myself in the manner I was interested in with a BA in Economics. Luckily I had started a successful business when I was in my early 20s and was able to sell it for quite a bit of money. I also finally realized that dad was right. A degree in engineering would give me high income and employment stability so 20 semester hours away from my BS Econ I changed majors for the last time to Electrical Engineering. That set me back about 3 years on graduation but I was now on a committed and considered path. 2 weeks after my 30th birthday and 11.5 years after I graduated from HS I finished my BSEE. I was in class every semester of that 11 years. Not always full time but I was in class.

That is also the point that I realized that if I had kids my job was not to facilitate the pursuit of their dreams. They can do that crap on their own time and their own dime. My job would be to get them to self supporting viable adulthood. When SS finished HS he wanted to study video game design. NO FUCKING WAY THAT WAS HAPPENING ON MY DIME!!!!! "But dad, that is my dream." Nope, sorry kid. If you want your mom and I to pay for college which we are very happy and capable of doing you pick from A. Engineering. B. Business Management and if you want to play with computers C. Computer Science. That is it. And ... you will pick from either School A, B, or C. If you don't like those options then write when you find work.

So, the Skid (SS-22) enlisted in the USAF and SURPRISE ... he is studying Computer Science. His ASVAB scores were a perfect fit for a CS related field and when his scores came in the USAF gave him only that choice for jobs.

}:) Parental Karma at its best. He is nearly at the 4 year point of his initial 6 year enlistment and in our conversation last night he intends to re-enlist and go for 20. His new plan is to try to complete his degree so he can apply for a commission before he turns 27. He is struggling with his dream to "do something important" but he is growing up and realizing that supporting yourself and living a successful life is important. I told him when he finishes his 20 he can go to work as a CTO of a nonprofit or something.

My thougts on kids and college is that a parents goal should be to get their kid to walk across the stage on graduation day. They can grow up and follow their dreams on their own time and their own dime.

Many kids today would have benefited if their parents had said "This is where you are going to college and this is what you will study. Once I see that degree in your hand as the return on my investment you can do whatever you want since you will be fully capable and qualified to support yourself. If you want to go back to school to study the mating habits of the high steps Yak then knock yourself out but I have flogged you to the point where you can work in a lucrative field and provide a very nice living for yourself. Bon Voyage kid."

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Rags, you are right on! SD19 is at an honors college where most students are pursuing medical or engineering degrees. SD19's BoyF is very gifted and is studying engineering, so of course, SD19 has something to prove and is taking these tough courses with him. He gets an A in Chem, she gets a D and brags about how she can just take it again over the summer! :O She doesn't have anywhere near the brains that these students at her honors college have, and what's worse? She is one big panic attack who gets overwhelmed at anything! (You read about how she acted when DH and I asked her to take the trash out of her room right lol?)

DH should probably ask to see her transcript after this semester to see where she's REALLY at. Thank goodness all we pay for is books, but I don't like the entitlement of this skid just thinking she can take summer classes. We DID pay for two summer classes last year. Those aren't covered by the college fund and stupid DH made us pay it out of pocket rather than use the trust fund (for education only until they are 25).

That is going to change!

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

BS20 is studying physical education. It is a teaching degree, but gives him what he needs to be a coach for any grade...even college. His school does a strengths analysis to help students determine if they are even cut out for their field of choice. BS20 scored real high in areas that would make him a good teacher/coach...motivator, includer, etc. His DREAM is to play in the NFL. I think he has the heart and skill, which is why I spent time doing his film and such to get him into at least a Div II college so he could be seen. I always made sure he understood he had to have a plan B...so his plan is coaching. That still keeps him involved in football (which is his first love), and allows him to have an impact in kids' lives much like his coaches had on him. He still hopes for the NFL...of course he does. He knows his best bet is to put in all his time in college to get seen, and he has a coach who is an ex-NFL player to help guide him with what it takes...how to get into the combine, the draft, going free agent, going in as a member of the practice team and get discovered there...he has many doors. But if it doesn't work out, he has coaching...or when that time comes that the body just can't take the abuse any longer...he has coaching.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

So 20 minutes after my lovely conversation with DH last night, he sends me a text: "Love you baby! Sleep good! Muah!" WTF? I am confused and didn't reply. DH called me this morning and REALLY apologized to me. I mean REALLY apologized for being an ASS. Biggrin (Progress here, people!)

DH said that SD19 is all bent out of shape and anxious about chosing her major. She is a sophomore and just changed her major this semester. From Biology to some eco-something or other save the planet major. I agree with Rags, if you want to earn a decent living after starting just out of college, most people need to fall back on the math, science and computer science fields. LOL YSD13 wants to design video games, Rags! Bwahahahah! Anyway, that's another story.

DH went on to say that he needs to find a REAL therapist for SD19 because she is losing it. (No, REALLY?!?) I empathized a little by saying I had my first panic attacks junior year in college. Granted, I got the flu during finals week and freaked myself out, but I got through it. This is where DH will have to give SD19 a few suggestions and let her take care of herself on her own. The last thing I need is some big production of her coming home every week to see a therapist and staying over. She needs to utilize the campus support system and get herself (her HEAD) checked out.

Sounds like DH is coming around and agrees that SD19 is cuckoo for cocoa puffs! Yay! I keep asking him if I have been unreasonable with anything I have brought up concerning the skids? He keeps saying "No."

He missed having me around this weekend, he said. I told him I was hoping that the breather would get us to talking about the real issues with these skids, so that we could tackle them TOGETHER. Sounds like its going to be good here for awhile with more support from DH. After all, it's not up to me to raise his kids more than he does.

Mission accomplished and no stinkin' hedgehog in my home!!!! Stay tuned......

~ Moon