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I Called the Attorney's Office

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I finally got up the nerve and made the call. I was hoping she would be booked for a month. She's available next week, so now the countdown begins........I feel numb. I'm sure I'll feel worse as the appointment draws near, but I hope I feel better walking out after the consult. God give me strength. Sad

~ Moon

Redredwine's picture

That's good! It gives you immediate information and more time if you need to do some things.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

The receptionist said 30 - 60 minutes and I laughed and said it wasn't going to be enough. It will be nice to know where I stand as far as options.......

~ Moon

ChiefGrownup's picture

At your office write out on a sheet of paper every asset you can think of and relevant details such as mortgage, retirement plans, etc. Take this with you to the appt. That's all the lawyer really needs. Since you have no rights to the children, you don't need to unload on the lawyer all your parenting complaints. But you can say you bought the big house with him in order to accommodate his children, etc. Depending on your state, that may obligate you or obligate him in terms of division of assets. That's what the lawyer is there for.

headsaregonnaroll's picture

I am an attorney. An hour is more than enough time. Don't give personal details, they are not relevant. She's not going to tell you if you should or shouldn't divorce. She will be there to tell you what the options are, legal separation, divorce, remaining where you are with different boundaries; the actual facts in your case are very simple in a legal sense. You have no kids together and very little joint property in comparison to most. Just keep in mind, this isn't a friend or another stepmom on the board, it's a professional you pay to address legality. Makes it less emotionally draining, believe me.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

You are doing the right thing! Seriously, if that episode you had at your house that night had been my house with HHB and DH, I probably would have told them both to pack up their crap and leave that night!

Sweet T's picture

I saw an attorney about a year and a half prior to the end of my marriage. I layed out the financial situation he had put us in and my concerns about his ability to parent. They were the ones who advised me to do the foreclosure and bankruptcy which I ended up doing a few months before the final events that ended our marriage.

Look at this as a fact finding mission inorder to prepare a plan of action. It is hard, but a year from now you will look back and say, you know I am stronger than i THOUGHT i WAS AND THIS WAS NOT AS HARD AS i THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

P Popper's picture

Yep. It's just an inquiry/fact finding mission.
Stay strong and remember why you are even talking to an attorney.

Numb is your body's way (at least this is what I tell myself Smile ) of keeping you sane, calm, and centered to do what you need to do right now.

Hang in there Moon. I am in the middle of packing and moving and applying to jobs in another state.
Numb is my lifeline right now.
I feel your struggle right now.

(((HUGS)))

ChiefGrownup's picture

All it is is factfinding, Moon. You need not make any decision while you're in her office nor before. Just learning. You can always pay your one bill and never go back. Just remember one step at a time, breathe in, breathe out.

fedupstep's picture

Agree with all the above...no cut and dry decisions have to be made at this meeting. You are simply looking at your options. You're smarter and stronger for educating yourself. Smile *hugs*

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Yes, I fully understand this is a fact-finding mission in which to sort out options. Even though I have a photographic memory, it may help to make a list. I can pretty much name everything off the top of my head except for DH's investment account names. I know how many he has, just don't know the names.

Ugh, just took my earbuds out to go switch over laundry and SD13 is in SD19's old room. Evidently Princess was having SD13 look for something that she swears was in there. I hear them face timing each other and just walked back into my room and put the ear buds back in. Then DH texts me that SD19 got a new job at a restaurant because she hates sitting in an office doing work on campus. It's boring. Have fun working at a restaurant, it doesn't get any more grueling than that. SD19 will miss that office job with no commute within two weeks, I say. So, I replied to DH, "How's therapy going?" DH replied, "She's crazy," with a smiley. I replied, "Duh," and told him SD19 had SD13 fishing through her room for something. DH simply replied, "Awesome." Then nothing further. So, I have my answer. SD19 hasn't gone and probably isn't planning on going to therapy. DH won't make her, either.

So glad I called the attorney today. I feel pissed and sick just hearing SD19's voice in the hallway. I feel like she's inside my home. Any bets on how long that restaurant job lasts? And don't forget she's finally taking a normal course load this fall, consisting of 5 classes. She's going to have her ass handed to her on all levels because she thinks she can do everything and she is. So. Ill. Equipped. For. Life.

I just texted DH back, "SD19 is not to come home for anything today." He hasn't replied......

~ Moon

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

I'm betting the job will not last for long! I can see SD19 getting snippy with customers when she starts getting overwhelmed during a rush period. This will be especially true if she actually is BPD! Then, that will affect her tips, and since food service workers get less than minimum wage. Yeah, she is going to wish she kept that office job!

Exjuliemccoy's picture

No way will she be able to hack it. The pressure, the structure, the difficult customers...she will be old news in no time.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

DH doesn't even know if she's waitress ing or hostessing or picking up trash in the lot. Duhhhhh.....

Amber Miller's picture

I was a waitress for 12 years. I worked primarily breakfast in a busy restsurant. I would wait on anywhere from 50 people on slow days to 120 on busy days ( weekends). It was HARD work but I loved it. I made a lot of money. Let's hope your SD can do the same so she can get the hell out of your hair for good (I'm trying to think positive).
Can'tKeepDoingThis is right; she won't last. It's demanding, you have to be able to handle A LOT of pressure and sometimes customers can be down right abusive. You can't be sensitive. I had a man scream at me in a lobby full of people one day. We were slammed and the kitchen couldn't catch up. He waited 40 minutes for his food. I finally got it and practically ran to the table. When I got to the table, I was moving so fast that the large salad launched in the air and flipped onto the table. I was mortified. He got up and he was furious (who can blame him, right?). I followed him to continue to apologize to him (I felt terrible) and he turned to me and screamed "you're terrible". I was embarrassed and ashamed. This was in the middle of my career and I was very experienced. I was head waitress and trained every waitress that came on board. I was there 7 years.
I have a ton of waitress stories; good and bad. Sure, I was in my mid twenties, early thirties and I was sensitive but I had thick skin. I don't think from what you have described that your SD19 will be able to handle it. That guy that yelled at me; I had to let it go and keep working even though I had been humiliated. I couldn't yell at him back. I had to maintain my composure.
I was in charge of screening new applicants with my boss as I would be doing the training. I typically thought it was good for people who had never waited tables before to spend a couple months hostessing before they would move up to waitress. It helps the new employee learn the flow of the restaurant. If your SD hasn't waitressed before then she's probably a hostess. If it's a slow paced restsurant she might be a waitress. I found that first timers rarely made it as they would get intimidated by how crazy and busy the flow of the restaurant would be. Those who start as a hostess/cashier are more equipped to learn and succeed.
I can't wait to hear how she does. She can't blow up and scream at customers, cooks, bus-boys, or anyone when she's not getting her ass kissed or what she wants.
She's in for a RUDE awakening.

Amber Miller's picture

Dup

misSTEP's picture

Good for you. You need to know your options going forward. His and subsequently his daughter's huge lack of respect for you is what is driving this whole situation.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Ew. Warning for TMI but you know you'll read it anyway.......These are the things that have irritated me TODAY about SD19 who will turn 20 this month. Keep in mind I haven't SEEN her since she went off in a huff the night of 6/16. After I locked her out of the house for a bit. She's back at school already. Cunty twat waffle. (Aniki, should that be all one word? }:) )

1) SD13 goes thru SD19's old bedroom to find a document for her, so I had to hear SD19 on speaker phone. As I stated above, I went into my room and put in earbuds, but just hearing her voice made my stomach hurt.
2) I go downstairs to make dinner (which I haven't done in two weeks) and there is a newly-filled Rx for birth control pills on the kitchen island. I moved them to the dining room. Princess forgot to get them, may have even had DH fill the Rx, and now DH will be delivering them to campus for SD19.
3) At dinner, SD13 shared with DH and I that while she was looking thru SD19's room for her, she found a used pantiliner in a cardboard box. :sick: I told you her old room smelled like a vagina! Biggrin Now we know part of the reason WHY. So I pushed it and told DH he needed to talk to SD19 about that. I asked SD13 if she shared with SD19 what she had discovered. She said she did, and put it in the trash for her big sister. Then I sarcastically asked SD13 what she thought SD19 was doing with the liner? Saving it for later? We both busted out laughing and DH said for us to stop. I furthered it by adding that if SD19 needed the liner, I could always FedEx it to her at college. DH was mortified while SD13 and I giggled some more. I was having FUN. }:) A few minutes go by and then I get the giggles again. SD13 doesn't know the song, but DH does and so do most of you. I started singing "PAD in the Box" by Alice In Chains at the dinner table. "Aye-eye-eye-eye-eye-eye-eye-eye-eyyyyyyye........." I stated that the three people at the table all go to therapy, but the one who needs it most won't go. And puts pads in boxes. I told DH that SD19 was ruining my investment.

So glad I called the attorney today. I had NO filter at dinner. I hope SD13 tells her sister every word of it, because DH sure won't. Sing along, everyone, sing along....... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAqZb52sgpU

~ Moon

Amber Miller's picture

Thank you--I spat my wine on my iPhone. This is beyond the funniest thing I've heard in a long time. I will have that song in my head all night! Geez, pad in a box!
ETA--I then looked up and noticed there is a big cardboard box on my deck. Totally stuck in my head now!
(At least it wasn't a tampon SD13 found. Ew.)

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

*SNORT*

Amber! I can't fucking siiiiiiiiing PAD IN THE BOX if you keep making me SNORT!!!!!! AYe-eye-eye-eyyyyyeeeee.......

Blum 3 Biggrin Blum 3 Biggrin Blum 3 Biggrin

You know you want to watch the video...... Go on, Girl.

Amber Miller's picture

Definitely going to watch the video. Might be the only way to get the song out if my head. It's now in my head again! Happy snorting Moon! Oh yeah, happy STalk anniversary. So much had happened this year and it went by fast. I hope you're in good spirits today.
Amber.
Aye-eye- aye-eye-eye-eeeeeyyyyy-aye- eye!!!!
"I'm the bitch in the box........"

Aniki's picture

Moon, twatwaffle, twat-waffle, twat waffle.... Whatever works for you. Wink

Stormyweather's picture

I haven't followed your story entirely, but is the bottom line for you that your DH supports and defends his daughter19 over you? Essentially, putting her as his number one and expecting you to just put up with it?

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Oh Stormy, you hit it on the head exactly. Click on my name, then my bookmarks, it's all there!

HEY!!! This is my ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY for being on ST!!!! Woo-hoo!!! Everyone was right! It only got worse!!!! Blum 3

~ Moon Blum 3

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

I agreee, Sally. Reading your post, Moon, I was just picturing the situation in my head, and started giggling myself!

I am so wishing DH would soon agree to me cleaning out HHB's room here! Put on a haz-mat suit, take some large boxes, and just load it all up, not caring what goes in there! Telling DH he has a week to take it to HHB, and after the end of that week, the boxes will find their way to the curb on trash day! Of course, even suggesting such right now would cause WWIII! Seriously...we are going on 7 months now! The girl is NOT coming back to this house! She needs to know she is no longer welcome!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Quite the story I have. I wonder where to begin with a book? Too bad some STers who were deleted aren't in my blogs anymore. I'll miss their info.

IslandGal's picture

Here are a few titles for your book Smile

1) Screw you Cindarella!
2) Stepchild from hell
3) I was blinded by love..and skids made me see.
4) Over and OUT

.. I'm sure others would have some too... Wink

Amber Miller's picture

I've got a few:
"Assholes, Rodents and Other Fun Things"
"The Trials and Tribulations of a HedgeHog"
"How to Deal With Assholes for Dummies"

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

The HHog Who Broke the Camel's Back
It's A Small World After All - How to Spot a Disney Dad
High Time for Hygiene
1000 Ways to Dumb Down Your Home So No One Has to Do Anything
Linda Blair in The Exorcist - 2015 Version
Pad In the Box and Other Fun Treasures
Pissing Pups in Diaper Pads Are People Too!
How to Know When Urine Too Deep and How to Dig Out of the Shit
Big Girl Pants and Other Princess Short Stories
The Vaginal Void That is Every Teen Girl's Room

}:)

ETA: SD19 is going to attempt to be a WAITRESS! She has been a sandwich maker and a cashier at a sub shop, but has never run around or waited tables. Oh and she got scheduled to work ON HER BIRTHDAY! Bwahahahaha!

moeilijk's picture

Honestly, Moon, I think you are suffering some elements of PTSD here - not the full DSM diagnostic, but enough that it's obvious you are deeply affected by this.

For me, I notice that you're hypervigilant about SD19 - always alert to where she is, what she's doing, and very tense when she's around, even just electronically. And of course, your husband is so disrespectful to you as a woman and a partner, never mind the trauma that you've experienced at the hands of his kid.... no wonder you need to explore your options.

I truly commend you for seeking options for yourself. I read a lot of historical romance, and as much as they are usually about wealthy, privileged women, none of them had the options we do today to leave a marriage, avoid people who torture us with hedgehogs and insults, and live in peace in our own homes.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Maybe so with the PTSD, but who wouldn't in my position, I say? I have always had respect at the top of my list with family, friends and co-workers. It pisses me off to no end when people are disrespectful. To the Nth degree! All I have dealt with in my home for 2-1/2 years (since I got the SDs FT) is disrespect. Last summer it was mainly SD13, then into the winter it was DH, because he wouldn't set boundaries for SD19. I started speaking my mind more last winter and the disrespect is pretty blatant from DH now!

DH is actually working today. How's that for family values? He won't even wait for me to go with him tomorrow to work out a flooring deal for the house. He HAS to go TODAY. Wants what he wants when he wants it. Sooo.....

I have therapy today and then I'm going to see my Mom. We had a great time last weekend over the 4th and it was nice to just talk to someone and seek advice. No one knows I have an appt with the attorney yet except for my boss at work and my BFF. I am usually pretty vocal and vent to everyone about my shit, but I'm laying low. I might tell Mom today though, and really ask her and Dad if it would work out with me at their house for a few months until I get my own place.

I have been reading my posts getting ready for therapy. I have backed off from seeing my therpist 2x a week because I think I can do this on my own. I had to get my courage up and put one foot in front of the other. At least I made the appointment with the attorney. After I get my info, I'll have to decide how soon to drop the bomb on DH. Or not. I really think I need a separation, though. I don't see my situation changing. I'm in a busy, active, messy household and I can't get any peace. I can't sleep. It's always dogs and DH clutter. SD19 clutter. I am going to start throwing her shit out that has sat in common areas all summer while she was home.

I'm probably going to go look at a storage unit today and get pricing. That will be another tough step for me. But it's logical and rational so I need to do it. I have also been looking into DH's stocks and 401k to get better ideas on the balances. The quarterly reports should be here soon. Perfect timing.

I can't wait to have the old me back. I just can't wait! Biggrin

~ Moon

Amber Miller's picture

Moon, you might enjoy visualizing this.

I would love to sit in SD19's station when she's waitressing (what we would call "on the floor") and "run" her. I hated it when people would try to do this to me. An experienced waitress knows how to prevent this from occurring but a new waitress most likely won't and will just get frazzled and end up in tears. Let me give am example:

SD19 comes to the table to take the order
Ask for a cup of coffee; do not place food order
SD returns with coffee. Asks what I would like
Tell her I'm not ready but I would like cream for my coffee
SD returns with cream. Place order and ask for a glass of water
SD delivers new glass of water.
Put on lipstick and place lips on glass. Remove lipstic from my lips. Flag SD to my table. Show her the lipstick marks and say "this is not my color". Ask for a new glass.
SD returns with water; tell her I want to change my order
SD changes order; flag her down and tell her I need to add a salad
SD returns with salad; ask her what the soup of the day is
SD doesn't know what the soup is; she goes to check
SD returns with soup information; tell her I don't want any
SD returns with food; I inform SD that I want soup after all
SD returns with soup and leaves table
Flag down SD; tell her my food is now cold because I had to eat my soup first. SD takes food back to kitchen
SD returns with hot food. Tell her I need some butter
SD returns with butter; tell her I need an extra napkin
SD returns with napkin; tell her I dropped my fork on the floor
SD returns with clean fork; tell her I need a warmer on my coffee
Spill the coffee; flag down SD and tell her I need a new cup
SD returns to table to clean the mess and delivers new coffee. SD leaves table
Remove a single hair from my head, place it in the food. Flag down SD and show her the hair; tell her I want to talk to a manager.
Manager arrives at table. Tell him/her that the service is terrible
Manager leaves, get up from table leaving untouched food. Go to cashier and state that I am not eating here due to the horrible service and walk out leaving no tip

You get the picture. Meanwhile, she's so busy waiting on me that she hasn't got to her 4 new tables yet and the customers are getting pissed! She has hot food in the pick up window that's getting cold. I have kept her so busy that she forgets to place the orders for 2 other tables that she took; now those customers have to wait EXTRA long to be served and they are now pissed to. I have successfully disrupted her whole station just like she disrupts your home.

I could go on forever............. }:)

Amber Miller's picture

OMG, you're right, I never thought of that. I have never done that myself nor have I ever been aware of a co- worker doing it but you never know. Ew.

JustAgirl42's picture

^That's perfect.^ Run her round and round like she's been doing to you for the last 2 1/2 years.

Unfortunately you don't want her to lose her job and come running back to daddy. :O

Unless, you're already separated from him. }:)

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Thanks, Amber. The entire time I was reading I kept wondering about the other tables!

DH is trying to get me to speak up and I'm just shutting down. I've been at my parent's house the entire weekend and just got home, and DH is pulling at my heartstrings. He asked if I loved him and he asked if I wanted out. I told him I didn't know how to fix this. Shit.

~ Moon

Amber Miller's picture

You're welcome. Just trying to make you laugh but seriously, customers do this to waitresses. I don't know if it's because they are stupid or what. I can't wait to hear how SD19 does in her job.
You gave your DH. A good honest answer. Of course you love him, that's why this is hard. Maybe you are providing the wake up call that he needs. I know you don't expect things to change but I'm hoping for you that it will.

Stormyweather's picture

Is he worried you'll leave him? Has he tried discussing things with you or is he still shutting you down when you try and raise your concerns? Is he trying to come to a resolution at all?

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

We've been trying since last fall, or at least I have. I can never find the right words in the moment when we talk, which is hardly ever. I just don't want to be here.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Those are the right words right there ^^^^ "My frustration and demoralization are so bad I just don't want to be here."

On the other hand, Moon, you have had plenty "talks" with him before. Actions speak louder than words.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I signed into the new site but haven't navigated it much. But I will in the next few days. All of our peeps are there!

Powerfamily's picture

Have not posted before, but have been following your story for a while. Hope everything goes the way you want.

Have no idea about the new site but I you continue to get the support you need.

Amber Miller's picture

Would someone let me know where the new site is? I would like to check it out. Thank you!
Amber

Amber Miller's picture

Me too. I miss reading their perspectives and I enjoyed their sense of humor. What the heck happened? I am on here everyday and I missed it.

thefunmommy's picture

Ditto

MissElphaba's picture

There's a new site? Ah well... I hope things go well for you, Moon. I've been following your story for a while.