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Still pissed over SD19 ordeal FFS!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

So yesterday I started getting a stomach ache at work. Got in the car to drive home and it got worse, so I chewed some Pepto tabs. Got home and felt horrible, took more Pepto and laid down for a bit. I was hungry but I wasn't, you know? DH gets home and says we need to get it on while the SDs are out of town. He's all comical, light-hearted and flirted with me. The poor idiot, I sarcastically replied that he shouldn't even go there because I've felt about ready to hurl all evening. We go to sleep, no nookie.

At 5AM this morning, I'm in the bathroom getting ready for work, and DH hints at getting it on in the next few days before the SDs get home. It's 5AM in the morning FFS! I exclaimed, yes, "It's 5AM and I just woke up!" He pushes the issue, wants to do it before the weekend.

FINALLY, after two weeks of shit since I called the cops on SD19, I turned and looked at DH. I said,"Have you not noticed how shitty it's been for ME for the past two weeks since your DD19 went off on me? You haven't done shitall to get her started in therapy and no one EVER apologized to me for the way I was treated that evening! You think it's all going to just blow over, but my feelings were really hurt by that last episode with SD19, so leave me alone! My feelings are still HURT!" My stomach still hurt this morning and I was agitated so I finally spoke up. He was bugging the shit out of me, and has been going through each day like nothing had ever happened with SD19 calling me a bitch right in front of him. Remember, he did not shut her down firmly. At all. How dense can someone BE?! DH gave me a hug and whispered, "I'm sorry that you've been so upset." I blew him off with a "Huh, yeah,....RIGHT" kind of remark. He may not be able to do anything to make it better, because he never does, but at least he knows I'm still hurting. He has no fucking clue how badly, though.

I wish he would leave me alone. He's like a horny damn teenage boy and I don't want any of it. He hasn't gotten ONE thing from me in the bedroom since February when I found out that the hedgehog was bought by SD19. Funny thing is, I'M FINE without it. }:)

~ Moon

dood's picture

Hey Moon ~

I always seem to come away with an image of you doing all the talking (too much, perhaps...) and DH doesn't say anything. Rather than continuously make up for his silence, maybe take another approach. Ask him one question/or have one statement. Nothing with more than say 7 words in it. Then Stop Talking and make him respond. If he gives you a BS response, repeat the 7 word question/statement and again, demand a response. Only.One.Item.At.A.Time. And let there be a long, horrid pregnant pause till he adequately answers you. Repeat it over and over and over till you get a response.

I hear a lot of what you say to DH but I never get a sense of what he says back. It seems that he doesn't answer you and then you get more aggravated (understandably! I would, too!!) and then you go off. Which leaves him still not responding.

I don't think I've ever seen a post by you where DH actually says anything back to you. I would push him into a corner (literally) and demand a reply. I want to bitch slap your DH.

dood's picture

... I can't believe you are actually sleeping in the same bed with him after the recent events. That would absolutely not happen if I were you...

positivelyfourthstreet's picture

What jumped out at me was his "apology".

Not really an apology.

"I'm sorry you've been so upset"

Your being upset makes him uncomfortable.

But not uncomfortable enough to deal with the real issue-he's the one who is responsible.

"I'm sorry I hurt you by doing XYZ. It won't happen again" would be more like it.

Instead he's sorry that you're upset(and inconveniencing him)

Lame.

dood's picture

Exactly. This guy is Teflon Don - he makes some slick comment and he's skated the issue yet again. You guys need to sit down and talk. How does it go? The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome.

I wonder, Moon, if you're just afraid where a real, honest conversation will go - what it will lead to, because it sounds at times like you are enabling his horrible attitude.

I don't know - I'm a much more forceful human being - there is no way in hell that anyone would blow me off like he does you. If you permit it, then that's on you. Of course, that said, it very well might be that I'd be a long, far way away from DH by now depending upon how those conversations went.

hereiam's picture

He hasn't gotten anything from you in the bedroom since February but he can't figure out that there's a real problem and what to do about it? This guy is so oblivious.

dood's picture

Conveniently oblivious I think... I think he's an oblivious sly fox. No one is that stupid.

dood's picture

Well, if she's going to be honest, then she should tell him that their relationship is in peril and that if he has any desire to correct it, he'll sit down and hash it out and if he doesn't choose to do that, their relationship is, in fact over.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I don't care like I used to and I have nothing to ask him anymore. My next step needs to be me calling an attorney. I'm going to get my nerve up and do it. I have to. And honestly, I have tried talking to him before and he just yells and storms out. It goes nowhere. Sad Thanks everyone. You're all telling me things I already know, but I need to hear it again, so thank you.

~ Moon

WTF...REALLY's picture

So sorry this is going on. SD should not of been allowed back. The message sent by doing this is they can treat you horribly and you will take it.

No way would I even sleep next to thus guy, let alone have sex with him. This stress is going to kill you. Your body is talking right now.

It is time for a attorney. Hugs

Shaman29's picture

"DH gave me a hug and whispered, "I'm sorry that you've been so upset.""

And that right there is the crux of the problem.

He's sorry you're upset. But he's not sorry for the way SD19 behaved or the way he dealt with it.

Whenever H does the shitty apology to me I ask "Why exactly are you apologizing? Do you know why I'm angry?"

About 75% of the time, he does not know why I'm angry, even though I clearly state my feelings to him. It's something we're working on in counseling but it doesn't make it any easier at the time.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Moon, are we married to the same guy? DH is the same way!!! Wouldn't stand up for me when HHB would obviously be in the wrong, and then go and act like everything is supposed to be all unicorns and rainbows, and want to get it on! "I'm sorry that you've been so upset." My DH says the exact same kind of crap! It's always, "I'm sorry you...." I have a headache, "I'm sorry you have a headache." I don't feel well, "I'm sorry you don't feel well." I'm tired, "I'm sorry you are tired." What is with all this I'm sorry crap? But do they say sorry for their own actions, and if they do, do they really mean it?

Oh Margie's picture

Moon, I know you are going through a lot right now and the last thing you need is someone tearing you down and criticizing you. At the same time I want to talk to you the way I would talk to a friend who I respect.

I'm not going to bitch about your husband and call him an asshole, and tell you you are so hard done-by because that's not helpful to you, all it does is enable you and allow you to remain a martyr.

Here’s the thing Moon: Why in the hell WOULD your husband even comprehend that you are still mad or that anything about you has changed? You have done NOTHING to prove it to him. You have TOLD him, sure. As someone else said, you do lots and lots of talking about your need for respect, your line in the sand, etc etc etc.

Your husband doesn't take you seriously because you don't take yourself seriously. In his eyes, you are a toddler having a tantrum right now. What you see as "no- longer shutting your mouth" and not putting with any more of his shit looks to him like you stomping around, pouting and fussing. He knows if he just waits it out, you are going to let this anger seep down into your soul, turn it onto yourself and make yourself ill and he won't have to be bothered with it anymore.

I am going to paraphrase what I said in an earlier thread: Neither your Dh nor your SD are afraid of you, not in the slightest. They know this is just a bunch of noise. SD will go away to school, then want to come home on her break, you will stomp your feet and yell "absolutely not!! THIS TIME I SUPER DUPER MEAN IT!!!" She will come anyway and you will make yourself even more miserable.

No-one has apologized. SD is not doing anything about counseling. Sd came back to your house exactly when it was convenient for her. Your husband wouldn't even listen to the recording of SD abusing you. How much more proof do you need????

I have said it before, but it's worth repeating. I think you honestly may have a chance to save your marriage but you have to stop TALKING about how mad you are. You need to ACT. If there ever was a situation that could be completely turned around by putting your money where your mouth is, this is it.

Ask him one more time: What is happening with counseling? When does SD plan on apologizing to me? And as soon as he starts blowing bullshit all around, calmly pick up your bag, say goodbye and walk out the door.

I hope this doesn’t sound harsh. I’m trying to talk to you the way I would want someone to talk to me. The way someone DID talk to me, in fact, and I didn’t like hearing it but I am grateful for it every day.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Exactly.

Aniki's picture

Moon hugs DH and whispers, "I'm sorry you're horny and I haven't been in the mood. Let's fix that."

Hand him a box of tissue and a tube of hand lotion.

"And I'M sorry you're an insensitive, spineless jackass with a cuntytwatwaffle daughter. You can take care of your sex life in the basement. With the HH. I'll get your pillows."

over step's picture

My dh finds it hard to understand my frustrations with sd15 because those things that bother me don't bother him. Or the disrespectful behaviour of sd is swept under the rug because for him to acknowledge that would mean he failed as a parent. I came to this realization not soon enough. This doesn't mean that he couldn't try to be empathetic to my feelings or take accountability that he didn't do a better job parenting. With that being said I understand that I can't change them but can try to find ways to make myself happy. Yes this means I have to be inconvenienced by hiding all my things so sd cannot borrow without asking. Or not nit pick everything sd does that annoys me, complaining to dh constantly. Or stay out of the drama and decisions about sd so dh has to completely handle it all. To be honest, this is hard for anyone who is as controlling as I am and have felt that sd's feelings and happiness trump mine. I still have moments but I get it out and try to move on. I don't do this for anyone else but myself. I want to be happy. I want my marriage to work because I love my husband and know he is not being malicious. My sd gets only from me what I get from her. Dh doesn't always agree with this but understands that this is one of my non negotiables. I have found that the less I say about sd the more dh sees what I've been trying to get him to see. That is more examples of his short comings as a father that I don't have to point out but can sit back and chuckle when he has to face it. The "I told you so" has become unspoken and I think that is more powerful.

I have not gotten this mastered by no means. I'm not perfect but I am better. And better means happier. This won't work for everyone. You have to find what works for you. Not Dh. Nor sk. You. What makes you happy because only you can truly make yourself happy.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

No worries, Oh Margie. I don't think DH will ever change. I have realized that I need to change, and what I mean by that is....I need to leave this circus. Sure, I could pack my bags and walk out the door, but it's not that easy for me. I will most likely be calling an attorney next week to see what the hell I can do. It's really tough to face the inevitable. One poster's reply keeps echoing in my head, "Moon, you don't lose by leaving. You win by leaving SD19...." That couldn't be more true. I don't want to be here in two years when she finishes college and can't hold a job to pay her rent. And of course, NONE of it will ever be HER fault. As for SD13 entering HS? Oh hell no, that has trouble written all over it. I'm done babysitting. I'm also tired of getting yelled at by SD19 on the rare occasions that I speak to the vile bitch. I'm sick of DH taking her side. He can have her! I have spent my days dreaming of the future, preparing myself for change. It will come, it's just going to take me a little more time. Thanks everyone for having my back.

ETA -- I see my therapist and my BFF tomorrow, Mom over the weekend, so lot's of people to talk to. Not the usual for me!

~ Moon

Oh Margie's picture

Sorry Moon Sad

Ha, I think that might have been me that said somehting like "I know you don't want SD to win but you will win by getting away from her" (paraphrasing).

i know it's not easy to just walk away and I certainly don't want to sound glib. I've been there, in a way and it was the toughest thing I've ever done.
(((You)))

bibleofdreams's picture

wow he is garbage :jawdrop: you don't owe him anything, least of all sex. He can take care of that on his own.