My therapy session after 2-week hiatus
I saw my therapist yesterday after more than two weeks. I saw him last on the morning before the big blowup with SD19, then he was off on vacation. Go figure. I clearly told him yesterday that I am done with SD19. I am not in therapy to learn how to tolerate a bitchy young adult SD19. I started the session by reading three pages of the blog I put here about the blowup. My therapist was furiously taking notes. I have told him before that I believe that SD19 is BPD. I told him about DH trying to appease me with promises of getting SD19 to therapy. No wait, she'll just CHOOSE a therapist this week. No wait, she'll just CALL a therapist next week. No....she'll CALL a therapist and then make an appointment for after July 4th. No......(and this is the good one).....I don't KNOW if she's made an appointment yet.
I told my therapist that I asked DH ONE time a few days after the incident if SD19 had made her appointment, knowing full well she hadn't. That would require EFFORT on her part and Daaadddeeee's foot up her ass to get her in gear. DH has a big foot (which only means big shoes...) but he never uses it. I told my therapist, we'll call him "Dan," that I might have gone to family therapy a few weeks ago, before the blow up. I told him how I was actually nice and even CALM when first addressing SD19 about the water bottles in the trash. I told him I choose not to talk to SD19 because she goes off on me and hates me. I can't win. I'm a SM, remember?
I told Dan I needed a "do-over," but the question now is, "Is the do-over WITH DH or not?" I told him I feared it was NOT going to be with DH, because it woud take moving heaven and Earth to get DH and SD19 to ever change. Even if SD19 moved away and was out of my home, she would always be in my life. I don't want that. She is not even deserving of my civility around her anymore. I have taken one too many hits for the team in this web of dysfunction. It's tough when you love your DH, but then realize he puts his fucking Princess above you. All of the time. I keep hearing " blood is thicker than water" from DH, but shit, didn't I marry into this "blood" and take DH's damn name? I have done right by DH for years, but things of late have gotten to levels that even I can't tolerate any more.
Dan said that BPD's are a therapist's worst nightmare and it takes a long time for them to chnage, if ever. They have abandonment issues, and nothing is ever their fault. "I hate you, don't leave me." Dan thinks that somewhere deep down SD19 knows that it's healthier for her to have me around in her life, even with the limited interaction. That she knows deep down that what she's doing is wrong. He added that BPD's only go off on the people they care about most. So far as I know, that has been BM, DH and myself. I told him I understood that, because the skid needs boundaries, but it's too late. SD19 can have one less person to go off on. I told Dan she isn't allowed in my home, that she left and came back the very next night with DH out of town. Dan said this was an example of her wanting to be somewhere safe, but I see it as SD19 not having anywhere else to go. Dan said that I need to ask DH to have SD19 go to therapy, to work on things, before I ever interact with her again. I see this as a long process, and SD19 is so messed-up, that she's never going to change. She'll keep spinning through her life, letting down the people closest to her wherever she goes.
I go to my parents' house today, as the SDs are returning from the beach. DH asked when I was going to return on Sunday? I told him as soon as he gave me the "all clear" that SD19 was back at college. And that I'd better not have to wait all damn day.