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I fear this summer will be the same......

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

SD19 will be home next week with the infamous hedgehog. I brought it up today at the vet, asking if they saw exotic pets. DH quickly moved on to the next subject. Wednesday is the day she comes home. SD19 and her BoyF of two years split up last week and they are "just friends." So many little things are going on and it has been eerily quiet. Probably because I haven't said much. It's the calm before the inevitable mother F-ing storm for me.

I DID tell DH that I wanted a little of his time this weekend, in between his naps, so we could make House Rules for SD19 and SD13 for the summer. I am finding that I am more concerned about the house being quiet and people cleaning up after themselves, more so than just giving chores to the SDs for "chores sake." I also don't want any attitude from SD19. That is going to be my biggest struggle.

I go to see my therapist today in just a little while. He has been encouraging me to really listen and validate SD19's feelings when she is upset. I understand what he is saying, but I keep thinking the same things to myself -- How can I possibly even begin to validate her feelings when she is a toxic bitch, when I don't care about her feelings like I used to, when DH doesn't get involved like he should and when that damn HHog is coming into my home???

I'm just going to tell it to my therapist straight today. I'm going to say that I've heard everything that you've been saying and it's all good advice, BUT....I'm not going to "care" and play the parental role in SD19's life more than DH. I am not going to ENGAGE with this beast when she is an enabled spoiled brat. I am basically going to tell him that I am going to be pleasant and greet her when I get home, and then go to my room. Most likely she'll be nesting on my good LR furniture while the entire basement with a huge TV goes unseen by man. I'm going to work on DH with that one and suggest that the SDs watch TV in the basement. He will enable them, I'm sure, and make excuses as to why they could watch TV in the LR. DH actually MOVED THE FURNITURE around last summer for SD19. So she could recline on the couch and watch TV. Yeah.

It's just going to be the same thing all over again. Although I DID suggest to DH this week that SD13 shower every night instead of every other. I told him she stinks and asked if he's bought her deodorant lately, because I can't even smell that on her first thing in the morning. DH said he had just bought her some and I asked him to show her how to use it the right way. Press HARD and do at least 6 swipes under your arms. SD13 does NOT have B.O., but she doesn't smell clean. B.O. is coming, so let's get ready, I say. I had to remind SD13 to shower last night. She sits in the one place I use in the home, besides my bedroom, and that is the kitchen. She can go stink up a chair somewhere else.

I have been reading my old posts from last summer and nothing has changed. over the past year. It's gotten worse because these SDs have more needs that aren't being met. They aren't being given boundaries and DH isn't parenting them. It always starts with me, behind the scenes, before DH will act on anything. I know nothing will change until DH steps up. I have my fingers crossed, but I'm not very hopeful. I'm sure SD19 will be laying around my house on the couch or tanning because school was so stressful. I wish she would fucking launch. I am secretly counting down to two more years and she will be done with college and can get the hell out. No matter what DH says. Or if she is a total C U Next Tuesday this summer, I am giving DH an ultimatum to get her happy ass out SOONER. She is bad news. Toxic. SD13 who thinks she's a by should be a load of fun this fall when she starts high school.

I have to go remind SD13 to put her clothes in the dryer. Friday is laundry day for her, not Saturday. And she's going to a friend's house later. An 11yo from the old neighborhood. I wonder what the kids over there thin of SD13 now? She was cute little 10yo girl when we lived there. Now she is creepy and awkward. Second thought, I won't remind her to put her clothes in the dryer. Fuck it. I'll just throw them all over the hall tomorrow morning if they are in my way. How hard is it, people? Set a damn reminder on your device to help you remember. You look at the damn things all of the time!

Thanks for the vent. Time to go to therapy.

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

*Typo above: "SD13 who thinks she's a BOY....." yeah missed the important word. LOL

ChiefGrownup's picture

WTF is wrong with your therapist? Is he in practice with 4ever's counselor? YOU are his client, not Rodent Queen.

He is supposed to be helping you set boundaries and find your voice, not turning you into a fulltime Teddy Bear/doormat for your nemesis.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Oh Moon...I do have to agree with Chief on the therapist! Thought this was supposed to be your therapist...but they are sounding more like an advocate for SDs!!!

I so know your summer dreads! This was me this time last year. At this point, I was regularly asking DH if he had figured out anything to do with HHB...telling him she sure as hell was not going to be laying on my LR couch all summer in front of the TV! Since I work from my home, I really wasn't having it! The constant checking for junk food in the kitchen every 15 minutes like it was going to magically appear since the last time she checked and found none! I know DH said a couple of months ago that he wanted HHB part of the summer, but I think the fact she hasn't bothered to have a real visit since she moved out in December is making him back off from that idea. I mean, it hasn't been like she has been busy on the weekends...she posts about gorging on junk food and laying around the house most weekends! I'm also banking on HHB not wanting to spend any time here because the neighborhood they live in now has 2 pools she can hang out at all day for free! You know how she likes to sunbathe in a bikini! And, emo girlfriend is not allowed here! Now that DH knows what is going on between them...hell no will 16 year old HHB be allowed to hang out alone in a room with 18-year-old emo girlfriend!

I still say that the hhog needs to "escape" if it comes in your house. The dogs would love a play toy for a little bit! They, out of fear, it could escape out the door (which you stand there holding open)! Oops...guess SD19 didn't latch the cage properly before she left for the beach or whatever!

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Oh...wouldn't that chap everyone!!! Wouldn't SD19 be pissed if Moon went on a cruise by herself or with some girlfriends? Yeah, girl would be happy Moon was gone, but mad that she was off doing something SD19 would probably love to do, but no one will take her! On a cruise ship, Moon, you could've sure that they can't bug you..."Sorry, no phone! Can't rack up international fees, you know!"

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Yeah, it's majorly F'ed up. I've had arguments with DH every weekend since February when I found out that SD19 actually went and bought the HHog. My therapist says this is all about more than the HHog. I agree, but I still don't want the messiest person in the family bringing a HHog home. DH told me a few weeks ago that he was having SD19 stay in the dorms the second half of summer, so she could take classes. He said the HHog would be home prior to that. So, that's May 20th through July 5th, when she returns to school. I pray that her summer classes are 6 weeks and not 4 weeks, because then that leaves the entire month of August open for her to come back home, I think.

I'm so worn down. I am trying to be strong and do what some of you said, and that is to NOT leave my home for some snotty SD19. I told my therapist it's a matter of WHEN she acts up again. I told him I can ignore her for 5 weeks or.......I told my therapist how it would probably go down. She would say something snippy at the dinner table, either to me or to DH, and typically I would put her in her place for the disrespect. He told me to just walk away. I told him I would actually feel rude leaving in the middle of a "conversation" and that I would feel like she had gotten her way. Then as I thought about it, I thought if I just took a breath and didn't say ANYTHING back to her for a few short seconds, and then left the room, that would really send a big message to the entire family. They would be there with their jaws dropped open.

I told my therapist I was done with trying to "be there for her" or "to understand her" or to "listen to her." I told him that I had done all of that for 5 years and then for the last two years when we got the SDs full-time. I told him this is about protecting myself. My therapist says this all comes back to DH. I agreed that everything rests and turns on what DH does. He is a great father but a shitty parent. The therapist and I discussed consequences being given to SD19, and I told him she's never had any. It would be holy hell in my home if DH or I tried to give her consequences like we do with SD13 sometimes. If I took her laptop away for the evening and told her no TV, she would be livid. She would probably punch a hole in her wall and then just be on her cell phone all night. SD19 needs to work on respect and anger issues in order to get her ready to launch. I told my therapist I feared she would be around forever because DH knows she isn't too bright.

I may just end up going to my parent's home, but I don't want to inconvenience myself and I don't want to leave my dogs. I secretly have been looking for a house to rent with a fenced yard. I dream of taking my dogs and leaving. I haven't found anywhere yet. Sad

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

My Dad works, my Mom is disabled and has one large dog there already. No fence and four more dogs would not work at my parents. If it would, I would have them there already and would have moved in! I have to keep looking for my diamond in the rough, or just leave short-term, knowing I'll return to my dogs in a few weeks. When SD19 is gone. That helps to get me through.

JustAgirl42's picture

Why oh Why oh WHY does your DH not back you up on anything??

You should not have to leave your own home to have peace.

Does he know that you are THIS CLOSE to leaving him because of it all?

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

He doesn't know that I daydream about a house of my own. I have come to the conclusion that he has to make changes so that I can be comfortable in my own home. If SD19 doesn't like it, "Too bad!" Isn't that what we all heard from our parents as kids? I know I sure did. I heard it from my SDad and respected him when he gave me consequences. Enabled bratty kids don't think they have to listen to anyone. I like what notasm posted above about saying whatever you want to someone who is an "adult." SD19 is such an ass that I still see her as an immature teen. I guess she's both. Yay me.

~ Moon

JustAgirl42's picture

That's true that you can say whatever you want to a 19 yr. old. But what I'm sure you're going to want to say isn't gonna make anything better, lol! Your Dh should not ALLOW her to be anything but respectful to you, especially in your own house. If he cares about you, he will do whatever it takes to keeps things from getting tense.

I'm still so frustrated for you from the first time you posted about that damn hedgehog! Your DH needed to make it crystal clear that if she bought HH, she would not be permitted to live with you. He went back on his word.

You're in a really tough spot, and if I were you, I would keep dreaming about that house of your own until it came true, unless DH completely changes his ways.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Except that she already owns over half of the house she is living in right now! Change the locks and put the house up for sale. Then buy your new house that's the right size for Moon and doggies and no one else!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I own a TH as well, but the yard is too small for pups. I will keep looking......Just in case. }:)

twoviewpoints's picture

It might not work for you or your home, but I read you have a big downstairs with tv ect. What about setting up SD19 with her own mini version of her dorm room? Her bedroom furniture either in a room down there or curtained off from main room. A mini fridge A huge supply of toss away solo cups, plates, bowls along with a can't miss outside side type lidded garbage. A corner for the smelly little critter (she has to care for it anyway, might as well be down there with her).

Dinner time, no longer family meal time. She can come with her toss away plate, get her food and back down to her dungeon, uh, I mean basement dorm room. If she can sit at the table and behave, fine. If not don't force it. You can sit and eat and converse with DH in peace. Her sister can 'visit' her in the basement 'dorm' , hang and watch tv. As Sd would be exiting the main floor bedroom and livingroom, her chores would consist of picking up after herself downstairs, taking her trash bag out, and her own laundry. Of course caring for and cleaning smelly critter too.

My DS critter sat a ferret a couple weeks one summer for a vacationing friend. I ws not amused. the little critter kind of grew on me though. Weird smelly little thing , but except for bigger I did accept it wasn't much different than the hamster or white mice I had as a kid. I sure was glad when the ferrets visit came to a close and wasn't real pleased over it's visits to my kitchen on DS's shoulder, but as long as it didn't get any ideas about sitting on my shoulder, it's beady little eyes became less annoying and kind of cute.

Anyway, I don't expect you to befriend the critter, but popped in to suggest thinking about pitching the SD into her own mini basement dorm...she'd be outta the main living quarters and you'd be able to enjoy an evening sitting in your own livingroom. IDK. Might be worth a shot. You're not really going t change her but you be able to pretend somewhat outta sight outta mind a bit.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Great idea but she is a primadonna. She would go wherever she wanted to in the house. Also, the W/D and shower are UPSTAIRS next to my room. And the dog door is in the basement, so we could never shut the basement door.

I DO have a shed outback in the far corner of the yard, though. }:) It even has windows!

~ Moon

Rags's picture

The HH may not be the primary issue but is certainly is the hill worth dying on IMHO. No more discussion. SD-19 is welcome if she maintains respectful and appropriate behavior with zero tolerance if she deviates that that requirement. One twitch out of alignment and is is back to the dorms for her or she can figure it out for herself. She is not a minor. She lives with the choices she makes regarding her behavior.

Then there is the HH issue. It does not come to your home. PERIOD!! Inform DH that it will not be discussed any further and if it shows up at your house it goes to the SPCA never to return. No discussion, no tolerance. End of story.

DO IT!!!

It is time for DH to man up, put his hands between his legs and get a big ol handfull of man sack and man up. There will be no tolerated pussy husband regarding parenting going forward.

That is the stance I would take were I you. It is time for this issue to stop. It has been going on for months and DH has failed to deal with it because he can't find his balls. So you inform him of what he will do. Do not discuss. Inform. He is no different than his spawn. None of them like to hear anythign but what they want to hear so they repeat themselves over and over again until they hear what they want to hear. With toxic immature people like this there is only one option. They do what they are told to do when they are told to do it or they leave.

Do not be miserable over this. In fact, treat them all, DH included, like hte juveniles that they behave as. And have fun bringing the pain and consequences. If they don't like the consequences, then they need to change their behaviors.

All IMHO of course.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I am thinking more and more about the basement dorm idea. SD19 always says she doesn't have any room in her bedroom, and DH has even taken over her closet in her absence so he has more room. See a pattern here? We have a small room where the breaker box is, so it has a door that can be shut. We could get a $25 closet rack and put it in there. We also have an aluminum shelving unit with doors on it that could serve as a dresser. This breaker room would keep the dogs from getting into her clothes. The only thing is she and DH will probably say "No way" because it's cold down there and HHog needs warmth. The basement door would have to stay open during the day to allow the dogs to get down there to the dog door. There is a 55" TV that is hardly ever used, a sectional sofa and cofee table....All we would have to do is move her daybed down there. She would come upstairs for shower and laundry. There is a powder room down there that no one uses. There is a utility sink where she can hand wash her delicate garments with Woolite and hang them up on her garment rack. I think I heard that HHogs are nocturnal, so we could put HHog in the unfinished part of the basement, pushed back against the wall on a table, away from the dogs, in the dark.

Then DH would have SD19's old room as his dressing room, SD13 would have her own bathroom upstairs (because SD19 trashes it every time she's here). All we would share is the W/D in the hallway outside of my bedroom. If she can haul laundry through a dorm, she can haul it down two flights of stairs, right? I mean, it's only for a "few weeks," right? }:)

I am REALLY starting to like this idea, but I need to sell it to DH and FAST. Thank you twoviewpoints! Thank you!

Rags, I have a mere THREE days until this bitch lands here. She will be here. There is no stopping that. She will be here WITH HHog. I have TRIED to stop that with DH for MONTHS. I yelled bloody murder at DH in the mall parking lot non-stop for five minutes the last weekend in February about this. DH went and told her "No" again, and she failed to listen. THEY BOTH FAILED TO LISTEN TO ANYONE. I am going to go with "out of sight, out of mind" and she can stay in her "basement apartment." If she whines that all of her clothes are upstairs, I will gladly hand her cardboard boxes and she can empty her dresser out and slide the boxes to the basement, Her clothes that have been at home aren't the ones she's wearing anyway. DH needs to tell her to take her suitcase downstairs. No, SCRATCH that, because Princess can never carry her suitcase up or down stairs anymore....don't know how she manages going down the front steps at the dorm......DH can take her suitcase to the basement and tell her she is setting up shop there for the summer while she's here.

The basement has dirt stains on the carpet where the dogs run in and out the dog door, but we have plenty of commercial mats that cover everything. She can live with the animals since she has chosen to bring one home against MY will -- since DH is obviously allowing this. I think the basement needs to be her permanent digs for the next two years when she is home. If she's cold? Well, then put some damn clothes on bitch!

THAKS AGAIN, TWOVIEWPOINTS!!!

~ Moon

Aniki's picture

Moon, don't give a rat's arse if it's too cold for that bloody HH. Why? Because IT WILL NOT BE IN YOUR HOUSE. If it makes it into your house, march your lady-of-the-house self right over to its cage, and head for the nearest animal shelter and turn it in. Crock of SH!T.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Agree, agree, agree! Hide those remotes! Hide those towels! Send that piss-dog down to the basement with them! And absolutely no snack foods! LOL

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

SD19 will be home tonight after I have retired to my room for the evening. She is bringing a sorority sister to spend the night since the sis is graduating tomorrow and lives out of state. SD19 was dumb enough to ask if there was dog hair in the basement because sorority sis is allergic to dogs! DH told her that they can both expect to be licked in the face tomorrow morning by multiple dogs, as the dog door is in SD19's "new room."

1) I have already hidden the good snacks.
2) Good towels have been in my master bedroom closet for 2-1/2 years because SD19 rubs black mascara all over them. I have picked out the two shittiest towels I own for DH to give to SD19 and her friend, not expecting to ever see them again.
3) I was planning to password protect the LR TV so that the SDs won't watch in there. They have the basement tv.
4) "No filter this time, no filter ever again."

I told my therapist today that I was angry with this entire situation at home. I admitted to him that I will not be working on my relationship with SD19 because I don't care anymore. I told him I am looking for a diamond in the rough home, just in case. I called my real estate gf today and told her I needed to see what I would qualify for. No matter what happens, it won't be easy. I'm not going to take this shit anymore, not in my own home. I will show DH and his SDs the door if they start up with me.

I told my therapist that I'm ready to explode and that I'm squirreling away my paychecks. He validated that, surprisingly, because it's my back up plan, my "what if" plan.

~ Moon

dood's picture

Geeze, Moon... hang in there gal...

I hate reading this crap - I feel for you. Glad you're actively pursuing plan B - hope you don't need it, but glad you will have one.

All the best to you.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

My mother and I spoke today and I gave her example after example of how F'ed up things are here. She said if I have to end it, then end it. She meant divorce. I didn't sign up for this. I knew it could happen, but damn, what happened to EOWE and happy SDs because BM was still alive? Instead I get:
1) SDs who haven't grieved their BM
2) SD19 who is an anxious asshat
3) SD13 who wants to be a boy
4) SDog pissing all over my entire house and no one paying him much attention
5) DH going out of town for work
6) Disrespect from all three stooges in one form or another
7) An empty relationship with DH and he still wonders WHY?
8 ) No one to help me out or care for me. I'm independent so I guess I push them away, I don't know.
9) FT parental role when I should have a house free of skids

But let me throw in something good.....SD13 fed the dogs today because I got home late, so that was a plus. Smile

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

DH and I get up at 415 am so that should be just lovely since they are on college time. SD19 is here and I did not go help move anything in, nor did I greet her. My earplugs are in. Time for sleep lol!

ChiefGrownup's picture

Clang the coffee pot LOUD at 4:15 am. Run the dishwasher. Put some dry clothes in the dryer and run that, too, with a loud bang of the door. Encourage the dogs to bark.

Really glad you're taking steps to cure your situation, Moon. It would be nice if your dh got the wakeup call and started to straighten out when you announce you're putting a down payment on a house. But don't count on it. Really, it's impossible that his every answer to your very justified frustrations is "Moooooooon! Just never mind!"

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

It's almost 530am and DH was up at 415 am. The dog food being dropped into metal pans in the kitchen is quite jarring in the morning when all is quiet lol. DH and his dress shoes on the laminate kitchen floor? That was noisy too. Let's not forget the garage door going up and down. DH just left. I'll stomp into the kitchen in 30 minutes and make some noise.

Plus it's raining, so there are wet dogs running around! }:)

ETA:.........I went downstairs to the kitchen at 6am to leave for work. All of the lights were out and it was dark. My pups should have the kitchen table light on at least, so I turned that ON. The door to the basement stairs is right THERE. I had to make sure the door to the basement stayed open for the dogs so they could let themselves out. It was open maybe 1/4, and that's not good because if they play and bump into it, the door shuts, blocking their path. I opened the door WIDE and kept that kitchen light on.

Then I see SD19's wristlet and car keys on my counter near the stove. We have an entire KEY RACK on the other wall away from the cooking and food areas. So I took SD19's wristlet and tossed it into a basket. On the table. IN THE OTHER ROOM, the dining room. I don't want any of her shit laying around in my kitchen! She will FREAK when she can't find her keys today, and her friend is relying on her for a ride back to campus for graduation (friend is 2 years older).

Then I open the door from the kitchen to the garage. This is where the deep breathing exercises started. There must have been 8-10 piles of crap from SD19's dorm room. Boxes, milk crates, suitcase, cork boards....all kinds of shit, just dumped there. I imagine it will still be there when I get home. DH is coming home early today and he knows I don't want a repeat of last year when SD19 just dumped all of her shit in the basement. This year, she can walk her crap up to her "old room" and shut the door. The "old room" is now storage/dressing room. It is NOT SD19's room anymore. For now, the basement is her "new room" but she shares it with everyone in the house, including the toilet exit for the dogs. I think this is symbolic and instrumental in sending the message to her that she really has no "place" to call her own in my house. }:)

It is raining today, and when that happens, one of the female pups will usually pee in the basement. Maybe they'll do it right in front of SD19's bed...... }:)

Seriously though, she's going to SHIT when she can't find her keys. It's like leaving your purse on the counter next to the oven. You don't DO that. You take your stuff to your room.

Game ON.

~Moon

Aniki's picture

Moon, I checked my crystal ball and I see..... the basement door vanishing. As in REMOVED. }:)

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Nooooo, every summer they have to clear out the dorm at college. They don't get the same room when they return in the fall. Also, students that stay for summer school may be assigned the very room that she was in the prior school year. You always move everything back and forth for four years. Ugh.

Yes, the keys are safe. No one has called me yet, and her friend's graduation is in 90 minutes, a 45-minute drive......

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

DH will see all of her crap today when he gets home early. If it is there when I get home I will mention it. Let DH move it all. He probably helped to dump it there, right where I walk every morning to leave the house.

ALSO......DH never asked me for the two bath towels (the shitty ones) so who knows what they are using? Dirty ones from the dorm? }:) }:)

And.......YSD13 got a bad grade on her "Phases of the Moon" science quiz. Bwahahaha!

~ Moon

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

I agree with the others about SD19's crap! BS20 came home about 2 weeks ago. He also had to bring home everything from his dorm...complete move out every summer. His stuff was put away in his room somewhere within 1 hour of him getting home! No reason that girl's stuff should still be laying around...period!

ChiefGrownup's picture

She has too much crap for a dorm room. A trunk of clothes. One box of books, mementoes, posters. The end. She's got enough stuff to outfit an apartment and that is seriously off-kilter.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I just got home. SD19 is out with sorority sis at graduation festivities. I asked DH about the "piles" in the garage. He said he told her not to put it away last night because she would make too much noise and leave things messy. I agree. So DH is on board with SUPERVISING SD19 to put her things away neatly and quietly. Do I see DH walking on eggshells a bit with me now? He asked me what I was going to make for dinner and I sarcastically replied with humor, "Nothing.....BITCH! You know I can eat out of a box and be fine."

LOL so DH is making pasta for SD13, himself and I. I won't have to see SD19 until tomorrow when I get home from work. Then Saturday she goes up the road to pet sit for the entire week, I believe.

And she's taking the hedgehog. I hope the cat swats it and the dog eats it. (Not really, but I'm the sarcastic type.)

~ Moon

ChiefGrownup's picture

I was wondering about you right this second and voila! A moment later you post your update!

Well, it's nice circumstances conspire to give you something of a reprieve from seeing her right away. Enjoy the pasta!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

We need to keep the door on because sometimes we need to keep them IN the house. They run like crazy when people are mowing their lawns, and exhaust themselves. It's easier to just keep the door ON and WIDE open. }:) Yes, the dogs will be sleeping on a nice bed when SD19 is gone during the day. That's the best part! Bwahahahahaha! }:) }:) }:) }:)

I still haven't seen her yet because she gets home as I am winding down. I might even miss seeing her tonight because she is going back to campus with the sorority sisters. I don't even know the hedgehog is there. It's been nice, so far.

~ Moon

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

But is the hedgy still really there? You sure it didn't run out the doggie door when it saw a chance to escape from SD19? I always have to wonder how the pets feel with owners such as this. Do they sit there looking for their chance for escape?