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SD19 and more of her crap

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I asked DH if he saw the box I brought back in from the garage. It was just tossed out there, and was addressed to SD19. It was next to about 40 boxes that I broke down by myself from Christmas, waiting to be recycled. I just explained to DH last weekend that he needs to get on SD19 to clean up after herself -- the maid doesn't come to our house today (we don't have a maid). DH said he asked SD19 to flatten the box and tuck it away with the others. I'm sure she was pissed that I had brought it back in, but I'm done dealing with her clutter. Esp after "walking on eggshells" last weekend (see my last post). She is an enabled entitled bitchy brat.

So, DH and I are talking and I asked if he noticed that the box was shipped from a pet store? I said I have noticed that SD19 has been getting shipments from pet stores over the past few months. DH replied that it was probably something for her hedgehog that she was going to get. WHUT?? :O :? :O SD19 had begged DH for a hedgehog when she was home for Thanksgiving, and while SD13 and I were in the same room, he proceeded to tell her "No" because she wouldn't take care of it. SD19 said she even tried to get her BoyF to keep it at his apt at school and he didn't want the responsibility, either. So, I thought the story was over, NO hedgehog was going to be in my home at any future date.

I went off on DH calmly but firmly this morning. I said NO over and over and over! He had to ask ME to keep my voice down because the skids were in their rooms and he didn't want them hearing. For the first time in my life, I gave DH the hairy eyeball, looked him squarely and fiercely in his face and said "NO." I told him this was my house, this was my refuge, this was the only place I had to go to. I reminded him how much trouble we had last weekend with SD19 not wanting to remove week-old trash from her room. I reminded him how her room got hot in the summer and she liked to open the door to the hallway, heating up the entire upstairs of the house in July and August. I told him a hedgehog in an uncleaned cage would STINK up the hallway and upstairs. I asked who would take care of it when she went on vacation? I reminded him that YSD13 didn't even check on her hamster for a week and then found out it was dead for awhile, if she had looked in on it every day she might have noticed that he wasn't eating because it was DEAD and stinking. I told him SD19 isn't much better than SD13 even though she is 6 years older. SD13 is even more responsible than SD19 in a lot of ways. I reminded DH that SD19 doesn't like to DO anything that she's told and also doesn't like to be told NO.

I reminded DH that he had told SD19 NO over Thanksgiving and then she must have kept working on him, while he was wrapped around her little finger, asking and asking to get a damn hedgehog. I reminded him that we have 5 dogs already and neither SD19 or SD13 can be bothered or remember to give them fresh water during the day. These skids are home all day long sometimes and do NOTHING. I reminded DH that nothing would get done unless HE kept on them to do things and I wasn't confident that that was going to happen. I reminded him that he doesn't like to parent his skids and he wasn't going to change.

I did a lot of reminding, and DH looked at me and said, "You're right."

I started crying and told him how much it hurt me when SD13 didn't check on her dead hamster for a week. I told him that just last night, I got home from work and SDog the Peeing Wonder (likes to mark in the house so he's in a diaper) was sitting in the dark outside of the SDs rooms with no one paying attention to him. Neither SD could be bothered to let him into their room! I feel so bad for that dog. DH made excuses for the SDs and the SDog and I told him to knock it off. That his SDs are the way they are because of HIM. They want what they want when they want it. He puts on his Mickey Mouse ears and gives in. I also reminded that SD19 is here 4 months out of the year, and maybe if she contributed more to the household by helping out, then MAYBE I would agree to having a hedgehog. She doesn't do squat, so my answer is NO!!!

I put my face in my hands and sobbed, asking DH what in the hell were we supposed to do now? Now he has to tell SD19 that she can't have a hedgehog. DH tried to say he would just tell her she can't bring it here over the summer. I said that wasn't fair and he's screwed everything up because he told her "yes" already. I reminded him how "well" SD19 deals with stress and being told NO and that she would be a holy terror when he told her he'd changed his mind. I told DH this was on HIM and he screwed up big time. How dare he say OK to SD19 when we had agreed NO MORE PETS?!?!?! I asked why he went behind my back? I told him I had a right to know what was going on in my house!!

SD19 has decided to go back to school today instead of tomorrow. DH has not said anything to her yet about NO hedgehog. I told him not to throw me under the bus, either. This is his mistake! I fear that SD19 is going to stop at the pet store on her way back to campus and buy her hedgehog. Then it will be too late. Fingers crossed, but at least DH listened to me. I told him to quit making excuses for everyone including SDog. I told him he was killing me, just killing me. I may get up every morning, brush my hair, put on make up and go to work with a happy face, but he is absolutely KILLING me. I told him I couldn't take it anymore. My health is too fragile and he is sending me over the edge.

I'm pretty sure he got the message this time. }:)

moeilijk's picture

Yeah, this one is about boundaries, IMHO.

You've told DH what you expect from him. But it's not reasonable to expect he'll deliver. He hasn't shown he's able to. So you have to be prepared to handle things yourself.

Your goal is no hedgehog. And, possibly no SDog - I don't know SDog's status, but if he comes on visits with the SDs, he can stay at BM's for her to take care if they aren't going to be looking after him properly at your house. If they don't take care of him at her house, then she's already used to taking care of him.

So you tell both girls when you see them that the house has enough pets and that no one will be bringing any more pets home. That you know that they love having pets, but they're just too busy to take good care of any more pets - for example, remember the hamster?

When SD shows up with the damn hedgehog (because she will talk DH around, or she will just do what she wants anyways) you will call the SPCA or what-have-you and bring that animal in the next day. With all the stuff she's purchased for it. When she asks, tell her what happened - as promised, SD, this household can't handle any more pets. Therefore I got rid of the extra pet.

You will get backlash, but it will be less than if you kept trying to negotiate or trying to get DH to take care of this.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Oh girllllllll, BM has been dead and gone. Two years TODAY.

Sigh. The joy of skids FULL. F-ING. TIME!!! Biggrin

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Thanks, you two, I love getting your input on skids lol. DH says SD19 will keep the pet on campus in her dorm and bring it home with her this summer. I don't want it here EVER because she will not clean the cage or care for it. Or she'll carry it around the house and my large male dog will try to eat it out of her hands. }:) }:) }:) }:)

I told DH that if SD19 wanted a small, cute and furry pet to play with, she can start with SDog. He is 10 years old and has been with the SDs forever. I asked DH why SDog was sitting in the hallway outside of their doors every day when I got home? Why no one brushed him? Why no one cleaned up his face and got the fur out of his eyes?

I told DH that kids want cute little pets for about a month and then the novelty wears off. He said he had that very talk with SD19 this morning at the gym. I asked how long ago was it when he agreed to this? He said it's been "awhile." Two days, two weeks? He said a few weeks. I bet she already has that damn thing and stuck it on her boyfriend to watch. I don't know, I can't see her getting a new pet and then not being around it like that.

I am going to put DH on the spot and ask if SD19 already got it. Then yes, good idea notasm, I will inform DH that "I" will tell SD19 myself if he doesn't buck up and do it himself already. Oh and dtzy, she is SO VERY MUCH a child. Acts like she's 7. PATHETIC as hell! LOL

~ Moon

Delilah's picture

Its damn disgusting that your dh enables his teen daughters, when they act so irresponsibly and when they do not take care of their pets resulting in a hamsters death. THAT is completely unacceptable and I would have gone postal livid on skid and dh if that had happened in my house...as for 5 dogs...f*ck me :jawdrop: and they refuse to help with the existing pets? I would have zero problem informing dh that he better inform sd pronto, no more pets (not unless she is moving out) and if he doesnt then he may find the house locked up, animal shelters called to pick up the animal due to neglect by his adult dd (am assuming she could potentially be procescuted for this due to her age). No to mention you will make HIS life hell, including withdrawing all the stuff you do to help him...

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

The hamster died of old age, but my point was that YSD13 didn't notice it laying in there until a week had gone by. I could tell it had been dead awhile because it didn't touch his food.

I told DH a little while ago that I was nervous that SD19 had already bought the hedgehog. Was it with her BoyF? He said no, she hadn't gotten it yet, but she had put down a deposit with a breeder. She has put down $100. I told him over and over again that he needs to tell her, and SOON, that she isn't getting a hedgehog. If she wants a hedgehog, she can get an apartment and pay for her own car insurance and cell phone, too. How you like THEM apples, SD19?

DH just kept saying, "I know, I know," when I told him he needed to tell her ASAP. I said she has made it back to school, so tell her now, she won't go off the road driving back lol. Then I told DH, that if he didn't tell her, I WOULD. He doesn't want to hear it. Meh.

My house. Mine.

~ Moon

luchay's picture

I got nothing useful - am just a little amazed that you can have hedgehogs as pets!!!!

Like seriously? Breeders? And you can get them at the petshop? Wow.

We don't have hedgehogs - we have echidnas which are very similar. And they are protected native animals. Not allowed as pets.

Some states you can't even have pet rabbits!

A pet hedgehog!! I am just amazed.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

SD19 just wants attention. A hedgehog will give her attention and SD19 will also get attention from her sorority sisters this way. She is just as needy as SDog is lol. Very immature and juvenile for her age.

I am going to nag DH all day to tell her NO, and threaten to tell her myself. He can say that since they don't take care of SDog, NO MORE PETS. If they need a pet to love, they can start with SDog. Once that hedgehog gets here it will be on me to get rid of it and I will be the bad guy as usual. It would be better if it never made it into the home, DH can be the bad guy this time. I think he knows it would break MY heart to give up an animal, even a stupid hedgehog.

DH can break SD19's heart, and she'll get over it as someone posted earlier.

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I nagged at DH again 2x already this morning. "You need to tell SD19 NO hedgehog, and SOON." I smiled sweetly at him and said, "If you don't tell her, I will. You need to call her NOW."

SD19 is back on campus after 5 weeks at home during winter break. DH said she had sorority things to do today. I told him to stop making excuses for her already, and that no time would be a good time to tell her, so just call her already! He said he would call her tomorrow after her first day of classes. I told him not to make ANY more excuses about not calling her. I don't care if he's busy at work tomorrow, if he's shoveling snow (big snow coming to the east coast Monday), if he's stuck on the side of the road in snow....CALL HER. He started laughing but he knows I mean business. I have never been this firm and this serious about anything before with him. I told him I would nag him all day long and then do the dirty deed myself. No more poor animals are coming into this house, that the skids are going to just ignore and not clean up after.

I told DH that SD19 can start by giving little SDog some attention. Then DH deflects that and says I need to be nicer to SDog! I told him it's not that I'm not nice to him, but I have my hands full with 4 large breed dogs, which I manage beautifully. I also make sure that SDog gets fed, and that there's no way in hell I'm picking up SDog since he's in a belly band (pee diaper for males who mark with urine). Who do you think orders all of the supplies to keep SDog in his undergarments? LMAO DH! I certainly do my part.

DH said he's not even going to bother telling SD19 that she doesn't take care of SDog so that's why she's not getting a hedgehog. I agree, once DH drops the bomb on her, she will only see red and won't hear anything else DH says to her.

I futher supported my case this morning by telling DH we had two nice hand towels that match the theme in the SDs bathroom. One was ruined by SD19 a couple of years ago because she kept wiping her mascara off on it, on a white towel. I gave her make-up remover for Christmas one year, which she didn't use. We put brown washcloths in her stocking in 2013 so the make-up wouldn't show, and she got pissed. I finally hid the one remaining good hand towel this past summer to keep it nice for YSD13. When SD19 went back to school in the fall, I gave it to SD13 to put in her bathroom. It was brand new.

I go into the bathroom today and SD19 has left two bunched up towels in the bathroom which should have been washed before she left. The nice white hand towel has black make-up on it as well as blue paint! SD19 wiped her frikkin paint brushes on the white towel!!! I told DH that I threw everything on her bed and she would have to wash and spot treat the items the next time she comes home. If I'm lucky, it won't be until Easter. DH hardly heard me, but I told him that yet AGAIN, SD19 shows no responsibility for anything because she didn't pay for it! I have hidden all of the towels in my bedroom for nearly two years since we have been in this home with them FT. SD19 ruins everything she touches.

She is not getting a damn hedgehog. If she was smart, she would use her trust money for "school" and rent an apartment. Then she could have her hedgehog AND she wouldn't be here on breaks. Then I could turn her room into something else so she knew there was nowhere for her to stay when she's here. SD19 is a damn idiot and when she gets that silver spoon in her mouth at age 25, she will be hell on wheels, BUT she will be out of my house. Right now money can only be used for school purposes.

She's an idiot. Batshit crazy entitled idiot. Thanks a lot, DH.

~ Moon

Aniki's picture

She's 19. Either buy her black towels or tell her she has to buy/wash her own bloody towels.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

She has used the same two towels (the worst of our bunch) for the past two years, since living with us FT. That's all I will give her. I don't let her use anything else. She came into my room and took a nice beach towel out of my closet last summer and I called her out on it. I told her to ASK next time. She knows.

So, DH called SD19 at school today to have the hedgehog talk. He said it didn't go well. He thought she might just say FU and get the hedgehog anyway. I told him then she wouldn't be allowed to live here. I would take the animal to the SPCA. I also told him that she is not to tell US what is and is not allowed in OUR home. Our house, our rules. Like it or lump it.

She's not used to being told NO. She always acts like a big baby and gets her way with DH because he doesn't want to hear her bitch. DH tried to tell her today that she was too busy to have a hedgehog, she has joined a sorority, she has a campus job and she needs to start thinking about getting a REAL job in two years.

Yes, there will be those lovely 3 years between getting her degree and getting her trust fund. She won't be able to get by on $10 an hour, even with her BoyF or a roommate living with her. She just thinks once she gets a degree, everyone will knock down her door to give her a great job. It doesn't work like that pumpkin, esp if you don't even TRY. }:) }:) }:)

~ Moon

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Gotta love the fantasy world some of these kids want to live in! HHB is CERTAIN that she can get a full ride to the ONLY college she has on her list of choices simply on color guard. Good luck with that with those crappy grades! BS20 was one of the top defensive tackles in the state, and he didn't get a full ride...far from it! He surely didn't go to his first choice of colleges...he is going to one that is affordable yet still gives him a good chance at his dream of the NFL. Even then, he knows there are no guarantees on getting into the NFL, and he knows he very well may need to fall back on his degree. Life is not full of certainties, and people don't come knocking on your door just because you have a college degree!

Of course, at this point, I'm pretty sure that HHB will not even make it to college. She is already behind the curve! Girl should already be thinking about the PSAT, SAT, and ACT, but she is so caught up in having fun, those are the least of her concerns! Without entrance exam scores, she will be lucky to see the inside of a community college. Yes, the community college here has a dance degree, but HHB will NOT like it! 6 courses to take a semester, and only 2 each semester are dance-related. That means she will actually have to do real course work, which she will not want to do.

Of course, as long as she stays living at BM's, I could care less! If the girl ends up not going to school, not our problem. She is definitely not moving in here when she turns 18...oh hell no! It is bad enough trying to get her to follow rules at 15! I'm sure when she is 18, she will go into full "I'm an adult, you can't tell me shit" mode!

ChiefGrownup's picture

Tell the girl yourself she can have pets when she has her own home. And you hope to high heaven she figures out they are living creatures with needs and feelings not toys for her pleasure.

Tell her your dh was mistaken when/if he told her otherwise. It is not okay with YOU. The end. Who cares if she hates you for it. What are you losing? Don't rely on DH to tell her no hedgehog. Do it yourself. And be scary when you do it.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

She already hates me and I don't even see her that much during breaks. All I see is the trail of shit she leaves in her wake because she can't be bothered to DO anything around here. I have kept telling DH that she contributes ZERO to this house when she's here, and she can't even be reminded to clean up after herself without it turning into drama.

Last night she called DH from school asking for her social security card for school. Um, she was just here for 5 weeks, why didn't she get it then? DH said she didn't know she needed it for her job. I told him THIS is exactly what I'm talking about, SD19 is clueless. So, DH is going to dig her card out sometime and take it to her on campus. She should be told she has to drive home and get it herself, but, NO, DH says he can drop it off on his way to work.

Idiots.

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Her room is actually spotless, since DH and I brought down the axe two weekends ago. I made sure to encourage him to speak with her a week before she was to return to school. Not the weekend of, because nothing ever gets done. I took the two bath towels and the spotted hand towel and put them on her bed. She will be pissed when she sees them, but she has a problem with anyone asking her to do anything. I am thinking this could work to get her to launch sooner rather than later!

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I'm not buying her crap. She's had a minimum wage job for 4 years and thousands of dollas in her savings account. BM made her save her money from a yiung age so SD19 could buy a car. DH and I gave her a car, so sge had 5k in her bank account. She has almost blown through it in 2 years because she orders clothes online. Forever 21 etc so they are crap. She still wears black leggings and t-shirts everywhere, so I don't know where the clothes are.

She isn't asking for new towels, and she's too lazy to get her own. DH and I bought her 2 towels before she went to college 2 years ago so we did our part.

I make sure we buy nothing for her except groceries when she is here on break. We received an annual distribution from her trust, a few thousand dollars, last November. This year I have a spreadsheet of her cost to DH and I, so I can enlighten DH. If that dustribution starts nearing red, DH will hear it from me. Car insurance, cell phone and health insurance cost us every month, as well as books every semester. It adds up quickly and YES I'm keeping track. We will pay for her tax prep and probably OWE again for her. Separate taxes are done for her since she's over 18. DH and I hold all of her money or else it would be gone. Oh and she got a D in chemistry last fall and just wants to take it over this summer? That will be about $1500, which could be covered out of her trust; but DH says we can just pay it from her distribution. He did this last summer as well. I want to make sure we don't go in the hole.

She contributes zero.

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Oh no worries, Princess has a separate college fund, so her in-state school is covered. Room and board can come from the trust since its for school. She gets everything at age 25 and has no clue how much there is, she is an idiot.

She will be one of those kids with a great degree and no life skills. She will be calling DH for help the rest of her life. She couldn't change a light bulb in her ceiling fan a week ago. Said they took special bulbs. DH finally got up on a chair after months of the bulbs being burned out and reached into the glass dome. Good old fashioned bulbs in there!
He put in new cool fluorescents that give her room a creepy cold glow. }:)

~Moon