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SD19 Does Whatever the Hell She Wants

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Yesterday I yelled at DH at the top of my lungs as we were driving through the mall parking lot.

I have never been so pissed in my life! Turns out SD19 went against our wishes and got a hedgehog when she went back to school! I asked DH how he knew and he said he'd seen pics all over Facebook. I asked if he had said/texted anything to her about it. He hasn't. I started yelling more and more loudly, fire leaping from my tongue. I said everything that I had been holding in forever. It was all true, and he needed to hear it. He was two feet away from me in the car and he looked at me in shock because I just wouldn't shut up.

1) You are a Disney Dad who can't say NO to your kids and you feel guilty because BM is dead!
2) SD19 is an entitled, enabled, bitch to me!
3) She is rude and respects no one in the house, not even you or SD13!
4) She doesn't like to be told no and doesn't do what's asked of her!
*DH: Oh you just don't like her, you'll never like her. (See above, DH!)
5) She needs to be in a PADDED ROOM and on anti-depressants! She needs to be in therapy!
6) SD19 thinks all I did was "bicker" at her over Christmas break, when I didn't even talk to her and kept a polite distance!
7) We both asked her to clean the trash from her room before returning to college and she threw a tantrum and had a meltdown!
8. You haven't discussed the hedgehog with her because you don't want to hear her bitch!
9) My bitching will be a lot worse than any crap you get from her! Do you want that every day?

I pounded my fist furiously on the center console of the car a half dozen times andDH's jaw dropped open.

You are my best friend, DH. I love you, and because you don't parent SD19 I have to resort to YELLING at you. I have never yelled at you in my life! But you never HEAR me! You never HEAR me!! WHY DON'T YOU HEAR ME?!?!? Ahhhhhhhhhh!

DH parked and went into the mall to pick-up my anniversary/Valentine's day gift, a gorgeous right-hand ring. Well shit.

I didn't talk to him for hours yesterday afternoon. I left the ring in the car. I tried to discuss things again last night and he stormed out of the room! I told him it had to be dealt with, that SD19 is a master manipulator and won't listen to anyone. I told him she's old enough to be out on her own. That she doesn't clean for crap and the entire upstairs will reek of a dirty hedgehog cage from across the hall. Her room stinks NOW because she needs a new pillow and hasn't washed her sheets since the summer!

DH: Well, she's only here for 3 months....

I told DH that things that didn't matter to him might actually matter to me. I am not him! I have health issues, I have a sensitive nose and I don't like coming home to filth and rank shit in my house. I told him everything SD19 touches turns to shit by becoming, dirty, breaking or disappearing. He tried to say all of the money in our savings was because of her. No, DH, it's money that BM left by way of the skids and it's for family expenses. I just looked at our savings account from 2011 forward and a lot of the money saved which allowed D to buy what he wanted when he wanted it was available because I am a financial genius. I work with numbers for a living and furthermore, I am a woman, so I don't miss one damn detail. Nada.

Fuck me. I have been looking at apartments online that are almost as much as our mortgage, down near where I work. If I leave, I'm living LARGE. No commute, no lazy parenting, no skids.

No dogs, either, and that tears at my heart. Sad Terribly. It would cost a shitload to set me up somewhere else, even for a month-to-month when SD19 is home, but it's doable. I just don't think I should be run out of my home by a bitch of a mini-wife. I'm certain she'll always get her way. Maybe I can move out temporarily while she's here and enjoy my summers and holidays. Then DH would see how much I really do!

Just UGH!! A "shitty" week with SD13 crapping all over the toilets like a 2yo, and now this shit with SD19 doing what she does best -- not listening to anyone and getting that damn hedgehog. I hope her "friends" think she's cool now. Desperate bitch, grow up.

~ Moon

just.his.wife's picture

Time to stop asking him to do stuff and do it yourself.

Email/ message the kid and tell her the rodent is not allowed in your house, so for ALL school breaks, including summer, she will need to find alternate housing for it. Make it clear that if she shows up with it, it will be immediately deposited at the local pound.

As for the 13 year old shitting on the toilet. One picture, post to facebook, TAG HER IN IT, simply stating in the post with the picture "WTF?!?! Seriously? Your ass can't fit into the big hole? Clean up after yourself... this is fucking gross!"

Rags's picture

Oh to be a fly on the window of your car during that drive home. Biggrin

It takes a long time to get to that level of frustration. Lots of biting of the tongue, etc....

As a man I can tell you that DH will likely take some time to process and deal with his natural tendencies to defend and justify. For me the only way I can deal with this kind of thing effectively is to get past my instant response impulses and put some thought into root cause. You clearly gave him all of the elements of the root cause of your frustration but the volume you delivered it at may distract him from following the logic chain.

You may want to try a sit down with a bottle of wine with just the two of you and lead him through the root cause assessment without volume this time. No need to retract or even to appologize. Just tell him that you are worried that with your rare temper explosion the message and cause of your frustration may have become clouded. Then walk him through it.

Good luck Moon.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Rags is on to something here.

My therapist was telling me only last week that if I get emotional about sorting out a work problem (very O/T but I'm doing 60/80 hours a week, have to cover stuff that is so not in my role that its not funny and cry on the way in, at home, in the shower, etc) to explain that the final issue is the straw that broke the camels back.

In your case it sounds like the hedgehog is that straw. You've been dealing with the hundreds of little slights and problems but that finally the blatant disregard for your feels has led you to snap.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

I'm sending positive thoughts your way. Poor you. I don't know what to say about the hedgehog. YSS keeps making mournful faces about having a dog but that is never happening. I've lied and said I'm allergic.... (Yes, I'm a bad person but I do not think our life style suits a dog - apartment, job with silly hours, random work related overnight trips, etc. Dogs need attention)

I agree with just.his.wife on the 13 yr old and the toilet issues. But I'd also make her clean up after her self. I'm sure she'll complain that its disgusting but its the only way she'll learn.

When YSS was "forgeting" to flush I made him get up and go and do it himself every single time I found the toilet with his "leavings". EVERYTIME. If he was in bed, too bad. He had to get up and sort it. In the middle of an online game, sucks to be you having to stop to go back and finish the bathroom.

Yes, it was war. I even got accused by him of being lazy because I wouldn't just flush for him. :jawdrop: But finally he got the message.

I think the thing that he really got was either
- when I told him that if he was doing this at work all the rest of the office were probably gossiping about his disgustingness behind his back
- or when he was online with a bunch of friends and they heard me telling him to go flush over the online audio link }:)

onthefence2's picture

Why can't you impose on the skid the same rules that would be imposed on you in a "no pets" apartment? You see how you follow the rule, but you think this skid will get away with it? Simply don't let her get away with it. Tell Dad under no circumstances will it enter your house, and tell her if he won't.

I totally empathize with you. I read things on here all the time that get me angry and this is one of those times. I'm sorry you have to deal with it, but the sooner you do, the sooner you will have peace, one way or another. Good luck!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Before I started yelling at DH, I told him that SD19 could not bring the hedgehog into our home. He would have to talk to her. Then I looked him square in the eyes and said if he didn’t tell her, I would! Oh he immediately shot that down and said for me NOT to contact her. I still have that one in my back pocket. As for gross pics of SD13’s deposits on Facebook, she doesn’t have a FB page because she has no friends. Just a handful through Girl Scouts and that will end in the spring as they all get ready to go into high school/day care.

I DID make SD13 clean the powder room toilet before I left for work on the first day, and then two days later when DH got home from his trip, I had him talk to her about cleaning the basement toilet. She is now only using her bathroom upstairs. She is a 5’2” toddler, a full-on juvenile idiot. DH keeps doing for her, so she is severely lacking, esp with social skills.

Rags, I did try the sit-down thing last night. I also asked SD13 to stay out of my way for ONE minute as I got my breakfast ready today. Every time I turned around, she was scooting out of my way, it was making me dizzy. I finally said, “Would you stop jumping all around me and give me a minute? You hide in your room and then come down here when all of the action is going on (i.e. you're in MY WAY). DH immediately piped up in front of SD13 and said, “Oh no! I’m not having another day of THIS like yesterday! I had 15 years of this before (referring to dead alcoholic BM) You don’t talk to her like that!” Ooooh big defensive DH! I looked at the two of them and said, “SD13 won’t shrivel up if she stays out of my way for one minute. Don’t compare me to ’15 years,’ I will NEVER be like your 15 years.” DH replied “We all treat you with respect!” To which I said calmly, “Yes, DH, I get ‘treats’ every day. The gift that keeps on giving.” Then I went upstairs.

A little later I asked if he was going to be nice to me? He said he would. I told him that everything that I yelled at him yesterday didn’t come across very well because of my delivery. So for the third time, I suggested that when things calm down we were GOING to talk. I told DH I can’t live like this and something has to change. He agreed and I STFU. Now, as usual, out of sight out of mind. SD13 is out for a little bit and he doesn’t want to take the time to talk. He’d rather surf the internet for stupid shit.

I have told DH under no circumstances is that hedgehog coming in here. We already have 5 F-I-V-E dogs! And the SDog is in a wet pee diaper all day long because he likes to mark now! The hedgehog is at the dorm now and I have thought about seeing what the school's policy is and calling it in anonymously. }:) I am worrying already about when SD19 comes home in May because it will take that long for DH to get his act together. SD19 is BPD and very ODD. She'll tell me no to my face and then what do I do?????

DH leaves town AGAIN Monday and comes back late Tuesday.

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I am on the deed to the house with DH. We bought it together after BM died because we needed more room for the SDs. I did mention that he is not to talk down to me in front of the skids, that wasn't fair to SD13 and it gives her juvenile mind the upper hand. He agreed.

Cat I am so with you. This is the root of the entire problem DH is a Disney Dad, he is a friend more than a father. Yes, he can have a calm manner about him when disciplining the skids, but it usually doesn't make a difference. I have known DH for 7 years, been married 5 and have had the SDs 2 years FT since BM died of cancer.

I tried AGAIN this afternoon and we talked for a half hour. He listens but then starts finding problems with ME. I keep telling DH that all I want in my house is some respect from a sweet naive SD13 who is so far gone she doesn't realize that leaving shit on the toilet is disrespectful. SD19 has always been defiant and rude to DH and I. IF we ask her to do something. As long as nothing is asked of her and she gets her way and the wind is blowing the right direction, she is just a snotty SD19 but doesn't do anything to me directly. Then her feelings get hurt because no one is paying any attention to her.

DH always mentions how SD19 and I "just don't get along." Every time I remind him it's because she is disrespectful and doesn't think she has to listen to anyone. I reminded him how I gave her a wide berth over winter break, yet he says she would go to him and complain how mean I was? I reminded DH that I kept a polite distance and purposefully didn't interact with SD19, that way I wouldn't get my feelings hurt and have to hear backtalk. He said he is always stuck in the middle. I reminded him that if SD19 was more respectful and didn't have a meltdown anytime someone asked her to take her laundry out of the dryer or bring her trash down from her room, we'd all be ok. I said her attitude is not needed in this house. She goes off at the drop of a hat because BM is dead and I am the wife, I guess. I have known these skids 7 years and BM divorced DH when the SDs were 12 and 6. So DH was out of the house and moving on when he met me.

I spoke about SD19’s anger issues and disappointment with everything. I also spoke about what I needed in order to be comfortable in my own home. My needs are different than his. I am a light sleeper and don’t like noise. I can’t fall asleep easily and if the dogs hear SD19 downstairs late, they get restless. DH is snoring away so guess who lets them out? DH doesn’t understand why I have a problem with SD19 hanging out in the living room all of the time. I explained that it’s not her bedroom, it’s a shared space. She also has the entire rec room downstairs, but likes to park it for 8 hours every day from about 3pm to 11pm in my living room.

So, it seems I can’t win. DH is just more laid back and is defending his kids. I kept reminding him that I am his wife and I count for something, too. He agreed, and I asked if he could help work towards some common ground with SD19? He said he could try but I’m not too confident. This just sucks. I don’t know if the hedgehog is a hill to die on or not. We can always make rules for SD19. Yeah, that has always worked. I told DH that I'll continue to go through him when I have trouble with the SDs. He didn’t like that. I told him that they don’t respect me in my own home while I put a roof over their heads, so he’s going to have to continue to hear it from me.

I feel like I got nowhere, but he’s being nicer to me. Whatever.

~ Moon

legmel's picture

Moon - I don't know whether I would be able to stay with my DH if he spoke to me like yours did in the presence of his daughter. I agree with Sally you have to be firm about the Hedgehog not coming into your home. I remember when you posted about her being home for the xmas break and the online shopping and goods being delivered. If I recall you made your position clear that time already about this issue with your DH? I would be livid.

I am stunned into silence re the SD13 and the bathroom/toilet. Really that cannot be happening? Who does not flush and clean a loo after they've used it? That is super gross - I would not let her touch anything in the house? Have these SD's not heard of germs?

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I love you guys! Thank you so much for all of the good advice. DH is treating me like normal again, like nothing happened this weekend. It was really strange because we never have bad arguments. Maybe that's because I've always been so tolerant? I told him I felt unworthy and he said I shouldn't feel that way. Sigh.

I have been running the numbers through my head. We have a ton of savings from when BM died and we got distributions for the skids. I'd like to think that the money is still there in savings because I have saved and spent well. Never pay interest, balance multiple mortgages for rental properties. The health insurance for the entire family has been coming out of my paycheck for 5 years since DH and I married because my plan cost less and was the better plan as far as coverage. So, our funds are definitely together and shared. DH and I help to pay for this household and rental properties together. There would be good money to save on my own if I decided to.

I have my annual review coming up soon and I am hopeful for a promotion, a raise and a nice bonus. I work for a very generous man at a very generous company. If DH were to buy me out I would have a shit ton of money. I keep thinking about my dogs, ugh. I can't get past it. We bought this house so they have room, they can't go back to where we were before. I tell you, if I didn't have these dogs, I would be out of here. Dog lovers know that you don't take on that responsibility and then turn your back. Sigh. Sad

When DH and I were talking, things got a little heated and he said that maybe this wasn't meant to be? I said I wasn't sure, either. I'm thinking he was still stewing because I had really screamed at him when this all went down. I had already started looking for apartments just to get an idea. I have never paid rent before in my life.

I don't take care of SDog except on rare occasion, I make sure DH and SD13 do it. Yes, I have already thought about getting that side account and saving. Legmel, yes, I asked DH if he really DID go back and tell SD19 no about the hedgehog over Christmas break before I shot venom at him. SD19 is already a spoiled brat who acts 12 and DH sticking his head in the sand just gives her more power.

I had a scary thought. Even if I stayed and these skids aged out and left the nest, they will always be around. They are needy and love their Dad. I will have to see them every holiday, have to hear about their stupid shit, much of that can I take? This skids are so immature it's ridiculous.

I don't know what to do. DH is out of town and will return late Tuesday after I've gone to bed. Maybe I can start budgeting and save. Just in case this crap becomes a pattern. I have my old TH that I am renting out so I have somewhere to go to. There are options.

~ Moon

CantKeepDoingThis's picture


I so know your situation...lived it! I was one foot out of the door when HHB moved out, and I can promise you I would have to leave if she ever moved back! You have the right to be respected in your own home! DH has a responsibility to make sure his kids respect you! BM is gone, and these girls live in your home! You have every right to set rules and boundaries, and if DH cans understand this, he needs a wake up call!!! Seriously...getting on to you in front of SD13 because you gripe at her for being under your feet and getting ing the way? That is about like the time DH got after me for me telling HHB not to eat molded bread!

You have your health issues, and you need to think about you! Sending good thoughts your way! I'm pissed for you right now!

Pokeyketchum's picture

Can you take your dogs to your TH? Maybe have enough savings to fence the backyard?

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

My TH has a 25' x 25' backyard. Right now we are on a 1/3 acre with 4 large dogs. I'm wondering if I could rent a SF somewhere that has land for the pups. Probably not doable tho. Too expensive. Wheels are still turning. I'm looking at luxury condos down near where I work. I could always visit pups on the weekend. I like the idea of separate households! TY to MarieJeanne for the website suggestion AirBnB, it's great! Even if I just use it to get away for a short while!

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

DH and I each have a townhouse to go back to. When he was bitching during our talk, he said maybe he should go back to his TH. I said, "You can't because we have 5 dogs!"

misSTEP's picture

You were considering renting yourself your own place for 3 months. Why not rent a CHEAP pit-of-a-place apartment for SD19 for three months. Daddy Dearest and the 13-year-old can go live THERE for three months.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I would love it if SD19 weren't here during the summer! The SDs each have a college fund which covers tuition. They also have trust funds left from BM that they can't touch until they're older UNLESS it's for education. So, SD19's tuition has been paid out of her college fund, and her room and board, which is education-related, comes out of her trust. I have already suggested to DH that instead of paying 6k to school each semester for the dorm, use it towards an apartment near campus. She can live there during the summer and continue working at her campus job or find anther one near by. She's probably off-campus staying with her boyF at his place. His parents pay for his apartment.

I feel I am so close to SD19 spreading her wings and flying from this nest, if I can just hold out a couple more years. If she decides to go to grad school, there is definitely no way I would still have her live here. Especially knowing that she can dip into her trust fund to get rent covered while still in school.

I'm dabbling with the summer vacation thing for ME. I would have to find short-term rent somewhere, and it would definitely be close to work so I'm not stuck commuting. Ahhhhh May 1st through August 31st.....just me in my own place, living closer to work putting in OT and making good money. It would be such a welcome break. Oh God. Did I just think that? Move back in with my parents and pay them rent? Oh dear lmao! I'm 45 and moved out when I was 23yo because I refused to pay my parents any rent! I still own my first place, that is the TH I rent out. It's a much longer commute to work, though, but if I got desperate I could go there.

I'm kind of excited for the break and I could come see the pups a couple of times a month on the weekends. It wouldn't be so bad because I would know that I would be coming back when SD19 is gone and then coming back for good once she moves out.

Mini-wives are just POS cunts. }:) }:) }:)

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

For the love of fuck, guess who didn't shower tonight? Bwahahahahah!!!

And on Sunday SD13 batted her eyelashes at DH saying, "I'm going to shower tonight so I'll be ALL FRESH and CLEAN!"

Sorry, those words don't exist in your world poo-poo skid.

Heeeeeyyyyy "poo poo skid!" Biggrin Biggrin

I am up way tooooo late and my meds are making me loopy. DH landed at the airport and is coming home through icy tundra. He says all of this jet-setting is over, which has been going on for 3 weeks. I'm not holding my breath. I'm going to bed. But now I want Chai Latte.

~ Mooon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I opened a savings account today with a few hundred dollars. I also had my review and will be getting a bonus in a couple of weeks. Starting to save for ME. Just in case. Smile I AM going to push SD19 stay near college somewhere. Anything college related can be paid out of a frikking TRUST. I have to get her out of here. At least she won't be home until May. I wonder when I should bring up the subject of the hedgehog again with DH to drive it home? Maybe end of April so she can find a place down that way, or maybe go stay with her Aunt. Now there's an idea!

~ Moon

ChiefGrownup's picture

The hedgehog is definitely a hill to die on. That thing is a living creature and it sounds like your sd has no business being in charge of a dependent, living creature. She should not have gone against your wishes for a multitude of reasons but her taking on a living being is way over the line for me.

Call the college. Don't do it anonymously. Stand proud and tall. No reason to hide what you're doing from anyone, especially not from sd. Let her know what kind of person you are, a person with personal authority and power. Report the animal to the dorm administration.

Do not leave your dogs. Make your dh and his failure to thrive lumps live in the townhouse for the summer. If dh gets his act together, he can move back at the end of the summer but things must change at your house. For some reason you are acting as if you are the guest or the stowaway when you ponied up plenty of your own to buy a much bigger house than you yourself need. You are responsible for that property yet you are not acting as if you have the authority to be responsible.

My dh and I have been careful to keep our $$ separate because we do not want bm getting her hooks into my income. So I live in HIS house and I thought it was a mistake from the get go and it is a mistake. But when skids used to stop over at my house before we married, I had no problem acting like the homeowner I am.

You ARE the homeowner in that house as much as your dh is. Use the summer separation to get the house as clean and organized as you want it. Then when they move back (dh and dwarf monster baby) it will be a fresh start and you will keep new rules.

I do hope you take action on the hedgehog. I don't know how hardy they are but I wouldn't be surprised if it is not alive by the end of the semester anyway. Poor thing deserves a chance. Call the school.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Guess what? Spring Break starts Friday March 13th. So Polly Prissy Pants SD19 will be coming home for a week with that rodent, for sure.

Now what the hell do I do? DH is being extra nice, but I feel a heated argument coming on. I m going to stand my ground!

Funny thing is, DH WAS THE FIRST ONE TO SAY "NO" OVER THANKSGIVING. SD13 and I were right there when DH told SD19 NO. She worked on him over winter break and I found out about it. She had already put a deposit down on the rodent. I insisted that DH go back to her and tell her NO again. He said he did, but he thought she would still buy the stupid thing.

~ Moon

ChiefGrownup's picture

If you don't stand your ground on this then that kid does, indeed, own your house, your marriage, your life. That's a living creature. A new resident in your house. If you can't bar the door to this critter, you should tell your dh to buy you out of the house and move on. It's ridiculous.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

We just had a calm talk for the most part, but things started getting heated and he walked away again. As DH walked off, he said he had some things to discuss with ME that he didn't like. I asked him to come back and talk so we didn't have to keep putting things off. So now I'm the bad guy.

I told him this wasn't about me.

ETA DH returned in less than 10 minutes. He simply said, "SD19 is staying at the dorm for spring break."



BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I thought about it, and the dorms are a lonely place to be during spring break. Biggrin I put it plain and simple to DH last night. SD19 broke the rules, so now she has to suffer the consequences. I even included that her attitude and behavior become quite toxic when she does not get her way, and this is with little day-to-day things. I reminded him that she is 19 years old and can't continue to treat the other members of the household like she does, it's not fair to any of us. She is always a whining, ticking time bomb when she's here.

So now that she will not be here for spring break, the next hurdle is summer time. I suggested to DH again that she get an apartment near campus and stay there year round if she wants to keep her hedgehog. It is not coming into my house. DH said we'd keep it in the garage and I shot that down, too.

DH texted her all of this last night so they did not talk directly. I think SD19 got very pissed and said well then she'll just stay in the dorms for the week of spring break. That leads me to believe that she was content to come home and just sit on her ass for a week here and not work at her part-time job near home. Funny thing is, she's running out of money. She would have parked it in the LR all day long for her cable TV marathons. I told DH I would have no problem with the Skids watching TV in the LR for a little while, but if it got excessive I would lock the TV with a password.

I feel bad for DH a little, but I reminded him of long ago when I told him to set boundaries for SD19. This was when she was 14. She still acts the same as she did 6 years ago. Nothing has changed as far as her growing up.

DH was nice to me this morning, like nothing happened last night. He bounces back quickly. I'd like to think it's because he knows I'm not being unreasonable.

~ Moon

Rags's picture

My second spring break at college I was on mom and dad's shit list and I spent the break in the dorm. I had to get special permission to stay in the dorms. My parents were overseas, I had no money, my GF and I had broken up a month before so I had no option. I had $20 to eat on for the entire spring break until the dining hall reopened. It was a top ramen, generic mac and cheese, day old bakery thrift store bread, generic cheese and bologna, and tomato soup made from ketchup packets spring break. I gained some clarity that spring break.

Your SD made her decision and she should be held to the consequences. That hedgehog might be pretty tasty is she has nothing else to eat while she is living along in the dorms. }:)

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I wondered about the dining halls, too, and her being away from her boyfriend who is most likely going home for the week. SD19 has money in her account but she is blowing through it like wildfire. Maybe seeing the cost of eating out or buying her own groceries for a week will grow her up some....or not. She'll blame it all on me, in true BPD style, and that's fine by me.

I know she has no one to thank but herself.

This is a BIG moment for this family, SD19 being told NO by DH to the point where she won't come and visit.

And I have probably REALLY pissed her off where DH is concerned. She needs to know who makes the rules, and it's not her!

All part of my master plan to have her hate it here and not come around!

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Thanks for all of your advice, Chief, it has really helped!

Get this! I checked on the college website today and you have to be OUT of the dorms by 8pm on March 13th. You can't return until Sunday March 22nd. What I think is going to happen is that SD19 will stay at her boyF's apartment near campus, regardless of where he is. He might go home to visit parents, work, etc. His parents live 2 hours from campus. If boyF isn't working, I can see SD19 tagging along with him over break.

What cracks me up is that SD19 will have to haul all of her clothes and crap out of the dorm that she needs for break. She won't have the luxury of a free washer and dryer to use like she would if she were here at my place. And the clincher? She'll have to drag that hedgehog around with her, including the cage, bedding, food, water bowls etc. Oh she hates to exert herself unless it's at the gym. It will be like her towing a baby around for spring break!

Last night when DH and I were discussing this entire charade, he said SD19 couldn't back out of buying the hedgehog because she would lose her $200 deposit. I laughed and asked if he had looked at her bank account lately? Since she has her car on campus everything is trips to Starbucks, Forever 21, shops all over town. Hundreds of dollars in the space of a few weeks. She even had her paycheck sent home so DH could make a mobile deposit for her using his phone. I told DH that she needs to check with her campus employer and make sure they hold her paycheck for her to pick up. She can take a picture of it with her phone and deposit it herself. DH started making excuses about how it was the first paycheck of the semester blah blah blah, and I quickly reminded him that she is almost 20 years old. Have her do it herself!

Still picturing her toting around a glass hedgehog cage is hilarious! Don't lose your footing in the snow because landing on your ass wearing nothing but leggings is going to hurt! What a piece of work. I sincerely hope that she doesn't come home next week and really stays away. I'm not mentioning campus being closed for break to DH. I will sit back and watch what happens.

}:) }:) }:) }:)

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I am taking my chances and speaking up more. And when I speak up, I firmly but calmly tell DH I mean it, because by that point I have put up with entirely too much shit. He is taking notice! This deal with SD19 not coming home is a huge step in the right direction!

DH has been his usual optimistic loving self today. That's how he is. He still doesn't notice everything going on with SD13 on a daily basis, but I am pointing out that he needs to be a Dad. He's coming around. He hugged me today and I whispered to him, "You know I love you. I know last night (telling SD19 NO hedgehog) wasn't easy for you. I don't think I'm being unreasonable, you'd tell me if I was being unreasonable?" He said by all means he would tell me, yes. I think he is digesting what has gone down. I think he is starting to see that SD19 is the problem, not me.

~ Moon

ChiefGrownup's picture

Sounds very good that you and your dh are getting the partnership thing down. I love to see that. When we marry these guys we are so stupefied by the never-saw-it-coming behavior and we are so outnumbered by the crazy regiment of bio-people overrunning us that we lose our voices.

But the only way for the thing to work is if we get those voices back. The trick is in not throwing out the baby with the bathwater, giving our spouses a chance to see clearly and step up to the plate. If they do. If they don't--Sweet Pea blazed the trail...

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

This is so true! I shouldn't lose my DH because of a 19yo's demands! I am so glad I started speaking up!

Thanks, Chief!

TheAccidentalSM's picture

I didn't know that people keep hedgehogs as pets. I've just googled it. You SD19 is mad. They require loads of daily care, they will bite, the quills will hurt the handler, their vet care is expensive, feeding them is expensive and the correct food is hard to find and some states, counties and or towns have special restrictions around their ownership. I would have run away from this when I was at university.

I found this about state level restrictions. You don't happen to live in one of these?

Hedgehogs are prohibited in Georgia, California, Pennsylvania, Alabama, Maine, Vermont, and Hawaii. We suggest that you further investigate the legality of hedgehog ownership if you live in one of these states.
Hedgehog ownership is restricted in Arizona, Maine, New Jersey, and Oregon. We suggest that you further investigate the legality of hedgehog ownership if you live in one of these states.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Nope, not in one of those states. Believe me, I checked on that a few weeks ago as well! I have read that headgehogs are notorious for carrying fleas and mites, although the fleas don't transfer to dogs. I have 5 dogs and I wasn't going to take any chances. Also, it's less common, but there is a fungus (Sally! lmao) that hedgehogs carry that can be transferred to their handlers.

And I thought bedbugs in SD19's room would be a problem! I just checked the campus website and all the students can have in the dorms is a 10-gallon fish tank. Hmmmmmm...... }:)

That hedgehog is NOT coming into my house.

~ Moon

ChiefGrownup's picture

BTW, our bm wants not just one but TWO hedgehogs and has for some time. She tried very hard to get us to take her dog because she wanted hedgehogs instead. I've held firm on not adopting her dog. I've done what I can to see that doggie gets a better life, but he must always go back to her place. I know the minute I agree to adopt him she will get more pets that I will then feel compelled to save from her neglect.

Rags's picture

Hedge hog fungus. Yes, I had one when I was a kid and it was a constant battle to treat it for fleas, mites, and fungus. It only lived a few years after we got it. It transferred the fungus to our rabbits and ultimatey they died too.

Hedge hogs are great pets, not so great from a health perspective.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

We have 5 dogs, I am at my limit. My four are less hassle than yappy SDog with the pee diaper. Why is everybody so into hedgehogs if they carry fleas and mites? It's not like dogs, who MIGHT get fleas, the literature I found said it was almost certain that fleas and mites would be difficult to control with most hedgehogs. Those poor creatures. To think one is at the mercy of SD19 who probably holds it all of the time.....ugh.

Sally, I truly thought your nickname for Fungus referred to something even more dirty and evil...... }:)

Am I crazy to worry that SD19 might show up during break? I need to ban her from my home somehow....

~ Moon