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Thinking a lot these past few days

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

A problem that I have is that I have no one to talk to. My GF from HS called out of the blue a month ago and I enlightened her as to how bad things had gotten. She gave me the name of a good attorney, so I have two that I could go to. At what point do you make that decision? I know things won't change with DH and the SDs and I am hyper-sensitive to everything lately.

Or maybe the moments of clarity are really becoming evident.

DH doesn't acknowledge me sometimes when we're in the same room because he's so absorbed in sports or tweeting. I know he hears me, he just doesn't do me the respect of answering until I make a loud, sarcastic comment, or simply tell him to get off his ass like a mother would do to a teenager.

I have had chronic pain for years and because of FM I have problems with sensory overload. It makes my head go crazy because my brain can't handle it. It's described as the body not knowing when to stop and start with all of the input it's receiving, like the brakes are messed up. DH always drives too fast for me, and even though I've gotten better at tolerating it since I went off of Lyrica, it's always the same. I feel he doesn't respect me enough to think of how I'm feeling when he drives me places. So, I hardly ever go anywhere with him. We had a wedding to go to last night and we're on the East Coast. There was so much rain here that the lanes on the sides of the highway were flooded and only the middle lane was safe. DH was getting pissy and didn't want to slow down. Again, like a damn teenager, so I have to reprimand him over and over while I'm getting sick to my stomach. It happens every time. Last night's drive was an hour and a half each way. Never again.

He just pulled up so I'll add more later, but the disrespect keeps piling up. He doesn't value me. At all. And he thinks everything is fine.

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I have a therapist I go to. He's been on vacation so he doesn't know about me locking SD19 in the garage and calling the cope about 2 weeks ago. I go see him this Friday. Things are going to change at therapy. I'm not going to be told to play nice with SD19 and coddle her. Fuck that nonsense.

Yesterday I had a moment of clarity, that I will have to leave my dogs. They would be better off in a big home with a large yard and I really don't think I could provide that for them. So, DH can have them or we can take turns. Not sure with that one, because then DH wouldn't be gone from my life. We'd be bound by the dogs as if they were kids. I am dealing better with the thought of letting them go, for sanity's sake. That's been a tough one for me, but I'm just starting to get used to the idea although it's killing me. It's the realistic thing to do.

Yes, I am working on an exit plan. I need to save more money and then probably go stay with my parents for a few months. I'll need the money for an attorney so I don't want to waste it on rent. I can give my tenant notice to move or I can wait until March 1st when the lease expires, and then go back to my old place.

~ Moon

JustAgirl42's picture

I think if you are at the point of being able to leave your dogs, then you are absolutely making the right decision to move out. I would have to be on my last legs to do that and I think you've been at this point for long enough. Sad

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

No bios for me! I took myself slowly off of Lyrica last year. Last dose was November, so its not the meds. I physically feel better without it. It blocked pain but it made my muscles stiff and affected my balance. It was a mess!

MissDirected's picture

Have you ever taken Neurontin? That stuff made me walk into walls!

I would love to see you be able to take at least one of your furbabies with you Moon. (How many dogs do you have?) Transitioning to your new life would be easier on you spiritually (and in turn physically) if you had a buddy.

Amber Miller's picture

Neurontin is a trip! I was like a damn zombie. My DH took away my car keys and told me I was acting weird. I do much better on standard pain pills. I too have severe chronic pain from an auto- immune disease. Stress definitely increases my pain levels.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I have four dogs plus SDog in a diaper, who is NOT mine. DH and I bought the four together, three are from the same litter and the fourth is a cousin. Ugh, I'll have to think on this more. Although I would probably take the two less active ones as my townhouse has less space. The active two would stay with DH where there is a bigger yard. If he moved back to his old place (if we sold this house) there is still more room there than at my townhouse. Yes, taking the two less active and quieter ones might make the most sense in a closer neighborhood. Also, one of the less active ones has a medical issue and I would want to make sure she was taken care of perfectly. I'm used to a high-maintenance dog from my last pup. Special food, trips to vet, medications, etc. I could handle it while DH might let it slip.

~ Moon

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

I wish there were a way to keep your pets, but I do understand that you have to put you before them. My best friend has FM, and it seriously can make life miserable when you don't have someone who truly loves and respects you! She personally doesn't know what she would do without her husband, as there are some days she simply doesn't have the strength to function. Seriously? He can't even be considerate enough when you are in the car to not drive aggressively? If I have one of my migraines, and I tell DH that his driving is making me feel ill, he WILL change how he brakes, turns, etc. as to not make me hurl! Yeah...I know that there are respect issues with my DH, as well, if it comes to me and HHB, but at least there is still some shred there. I don't think yours even has a shred of respect!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Mine has hearing loss too! Don't even get this FM girl who is very sensitive to noise started!

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

My ex was the worst with the whole "sacrifice for me" excuse! One day, I was cleaning out my car at the gas station like I normally do. My ex would often take my car to take friends home and stuff, and would leave trash in the center console. Well, this time I found a joint in there! I threw it away with the rest of the trash! I was pissed! I got home and told him I threw it away, and didn't appreciate him leaving his crap in my car! I told him I wasn't about to get pulled over for something stupid like a light out, and get hauled off to jail for pot that wasn't mine cause the cop could smell it in the car! His response? "You wouldn't go to jail for me?" Really? I've never done drugs in my life! I barely take prescriptions when told to by a doctor (when I got my tubes tied, I took OTC Advil because I didn't want to take the vicodine the doctor prescribed).

Needless to say, one can see one of the many reasons he is my EX!

MissDirected's picture

I've tried finding fosters for DH's before. Nobody else wants to deal with them either. It's easier to find fosters for Michael Vicks pit bulls!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I will leave the dogs with DH at a house with a big yard or take them with me to a rental with a big yard....once I have saved up enough money. That's when it will be time. A friend said I need to break it to DH gently to let him know this is coming. Right now I can sit tight, get through this weekend with SD19 moving back to college. I will NOT be around, I will be at my mother's house.

~ Moon

simifan's picture

"A friend said I need to break it to DH gently to let him know this is coming."

girl, please... Show him the exact consideration he has shown your feelings.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Yeah, you two are right.....I guess I'll know when it happens. I like to fly under the radar.....I don't know right now. Sad

Monchichi's picture

Can I suggest a running kick to his crotch with your bags packed, at the door way waiting for you to leave?

another step's picture

Hey Moon. Sounds like you really are reaching the end of your rope. Have you had a consult with an attorney yet? Please keep in mind that you may have more money than you think. You have the issue of Spousal Support - especially with your health issues - to consider and depending on your stat, you may be able to file for it immediately. That will allow you to possibly move somewhere with your dogs OR kennel them until you find a place. And you may have more rights in marital accounts, retirement accounts, and the worth of your current house than you think.

Bottom line is that you don't know until you talk to someone. And that should be totally free. And please don't say that you don't want your share of the joint assets that have built up. You have paid dearly over the years. It is now time for you to get something back out so that you can rebuild your life. Time to take care of YOU!!!! Big hugs to you girl.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Good points. I would just add spend some of the bucks on the atty first before renting anything. Wasn't it Rags who gained total ownership of his house in his first marriage because Judge said wife had abandoned it? or that it was "possessed" by Rags?

Do not move out of that house or obligate yourself to another residence until you've consulted with an attorney. It may be you would be sacrificing your biggest asset that YOU worked for through your PAIN. Retirement years come at you fast, do not let this asset slip through your fingers without careful advice.

Also, consider there are other steps beside outright divorce. In my first marriage I was advised to file for Legal Separation at least because I was in a similar state to you: miserable, but not a hundred percent ready to pull the plug. Legal Separation freezes the assets where they are so in my case I was protected from any further gambling debts he might incur. Legal Separation you can stay in for years, decades. You an proceed to divorce (we did) or you can vacate it and go back to being married no prob. Just a thought.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Thank you another step and CGU. I admit I have been trying to think of how to make a clean break and start over, and you both have enlightened me. I almost made an appointment to see an attorney for this week, but I chickened out. I also thought I would be dumping a shitload of money for a retainer up front. So, I need to at least make an initial meeting with the attorney and see what I can do. I'm good with details, so I won't miss a beat. Thanks, everyone.

~ Moon Sad

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Part of it is that I don't know what "everything" is yet. We've only been in the house two years, it's in both of our names and I think he took 25k out of his 401k for a down payment. He has said before that he "put enough down" on this house, so he isn't leaving. Also, there isn't much equity in it, so whatever it sold for would leave us with just a little. Does that make sense? Am I thinking of this in the right terms? Let's say the house is worth 650k, but we paid 585k for it. We haven't paid the loan down much, so if we sold it for 650, not much is left to split.

The dogs are going to be a huge issue. I feel sick tonight. Sad

~ Moon

another step's picture

Part of what the lawyer does is assemble what "everything" actually is. Then they demand WAY more than is likely to be gotten and settle for a reasonable amount taking all circumstances into account. Your big one is the health issue. Please - talk to a couple of attorneys and pick one that you feel comfortable will advocate strongly for you.

ChiefGrownup's picture

If you are not expecting cash out of the house make sure you also do not end up with a lot of debt, either. If you move out having signed a one year lease maybe your dh will stop making mortgage payments and let the house default. Not only would your credit be ruined but you could still be liable for the mortgage or the gain. Then you would be left with the choice of having to pay both your new lease and half or full mortgage payments on house you no longer live in.

Or your dh may suddenly take out seconds or lines of credit on the house after you move out. Again, hornet's nest of debt for you.

One consultation with lawyer should only cost a few or couple hundred. If you have all your facts in a row to be considered. Could save your credit rating and hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Pokeyketchum's picture

I think you should just go see one. Make yourself go, if you reallly plan to leave so you have an idea what to mentally prepare for, otherwise you are just staying stuck.